Future Posts

It is another cold, winter day here in Oklahoma. We had more snow last night but thankfully most of it seems to be melting away on the roads. It's funny, I asked several of the old timers in Collinsville what the almanac said about what kind of winter we were going to have and most of them said cold and dry. Oh well at least they got the cold part right.



A wonderful thing took place last night. My sister, brother, and I converged on our parents house with families in tow. It was the first time we have all been together under the same roof. It was so great to be there as a family, even if it was only for a short time. For those of you who may not know my brother and his wife live in Phoenix and my sister and her family live in Manhattan (Kansas). So it is difficult for all of us to be together. I told my mom at one point it hadn't been that loud in their house in a long time and it was great to hear.



One of the many things that I have learned over the last several months, and have expressed often, is that family is one of the most important things in my life. During my time stuck on the couch at home, I realized that I could never again allow things to get in the way of my relationship with my family. Too many times I see families who allow politics, religion, friends, opinions, different ways of raising children, different choices, and other laundry list of things, come between them. Sometimes to the point of not seeing or speaking to one another. I don't understand. I decided that no matter what, I will not allow that to happen with me and my family. Now, don't get me wrong, I will not change who I am or what I believe when I am with my family. There has been a rule with our family for quite a while now and it is simply, when we are together we will not discuss politics, religion or raising children. Period. Call it what you want, respecting each others beliefs or agreeing to disagree, but that's what we do and it works. We know we don't all agree. Some of us are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. We have different likes and dislikes. Our parents raised us to be our own people and it worked. The bottom line for me is we need our families. I need my family. When I got sick my family was there for me without question. All of those other issues, that just don't matter, were gone and we were left to focus on us. In the end all of those other things don't matter a bit. Family matters, we matter.



To my family; thank you for all that you have done for me through this time. I shutter to think what this would have been like without you. I don't think I could have done it. Each of you have been there for me, unconditionally, with love, prayer and support. This has brought us even closer together and I thank God everyday for that. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Thank You!



Well on the cancer front, the roller coaster has started again. We go to the Oncologist next week for our next check-up. I don't know what kind of testing they will do but I told my wife and mom last night that I am getting nervous again. It's those same old feelings again. I guess it is normal. And I am sure that it will happen every time. I just wasn't ready for it. But it will be like this every three months from now on. Hopefully it will get better. I have also decided that I will write something once a week and try and have it posted each Friday. I will also post as soon as we know what testing will be done and what the results are.



Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Scars

Okay for those of you who prayed for a white Christmas in Oklahoma, it worked. I just finished a 12 hour shift, on Christmas Eve, in about 8 inches of snow. And yes the crazies were out. We didn't want to take anyone to jail on Christmas Eve, or in this weather, but she left us no choice. I never cease to be amazed at human beings and the things they do. One of these day's I am going to write a book. I wish I could tell you about it but I can't. You may not believe me anyway. I am still amazed!

A thought come to me today. My wife Rebecca, our kids and I, had my Mom, Dad and Cousin Tom over today for Christmas. It occurred to me before they got here this morning that this would be the first time I have ever had my parents in my house for Christmas. That, combined with the fact that I am still alive and not sick in a hospital, made today the best Christmas I have ever had. We did the gift thing, yes the kids got spoiled which is a whole other story, then cooked a big breakfast, ate, sat by the fire, and spent time together. I just cannot express how much it meant to me. As you can expect, at some point in the conversation, my cancer came up. Mom and Dad hadn't seen my arm in a while where they did the surgery. They were commenting on how good it looks, and how well it is healing. I then made the statement that I have made many times over the last month, "I am so grateful to be alive and well, and not in a hospital or sick in bed". And I mean it. I am. I never expected, when we heard those words, to be back at work, in the cold and snow, by Christmas. As I said those words I had the same thought I have every time I say it. I hope I don't ever forget. Then it hit me, the scar. I have a huge void on my right forearm where the skin graft is that is just hard to explain. The skin is a different color, there is the void that will always be there and the color is different. People who see it and don't know me ask me what happened. I tell them. The very next thought was the scars on Jesus, you will know him by his scars. If it is you, can I feel the scars on you hands. When I finally went back to work and was able to uncover my arm, my wife and I talked about how it looks, and how people would react to it. It has never been anything that embarrassed me. On the contrary, I have been proud of it. But only now realizing why I am proud of it. And what I realized today was my gratitude is permanently on my right arm, if I allow it.

What is it about scars? Most of us try to hide them. Especially if we feel they are ugly or are in a place that aren't easily hidden. We try to cover them with make-up, clothes, surgeries, whatever the case may be. Some of our scars aren't so easy to see. Some of them are emotional. Some of them we don't want to talk about. Some of them, maybe we have never told anyone. Maybe we think others won't think them a big deal or won't understand. Some of them maybe we don't need to talk about to everyone. But we all have scars no matter their source or whether they are physical or emotional. I think we all have some of both. Not all to the same extreme, but they are there. As I thought about all of this I reflected on the process of a scar. Something bad happened in the beginning. Some sort of damage was done that caused us pain, either physical or emotional damage. Then there was the process of healing. If it was physical, there may have been bandaid's, stitches, medicine, any number of options. If it was emotional, there may have been counseling, talking to someone, support groups, religion, the list goes on. Then, and I suppose this is where I am, there is reflection. Reflection on the lessons learned. As I look back on my life I realize that for many of those scars I wasn't even in a place, initially, to see the lesson's learned. I understand that today I am in a better place to to see them for there lesson's and not there ugliness. What I did realize, on a very simple level, is that I have a great reminder every single day of the gift I have been given. And it comes in the form of something most look at as ugly, or at least hard to look at. To me it is the most beautiful thing in the world. I am proud of my scar. I am slowly learning that if I look not at the ugliness of the scar itself, but look at the beauty of the lesson's the scar taught me, I might just do a little growing. Maybe, just maybe, I won't forget. I know that as the day's pass, and I put distance between me and September 2009, it will get easier and easier to forget if I allow it. That's what I do. I let life get in the way, just like tonight when I was complaining about the weather and having to work in it.

So, I have changed my prayer. Now I pray that everyday I will meet a stranger who will ask me, "What happened to you arm?" Another thing to add to my gratitude list, scars.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to pray................

Two events occurred in my life Sunday evening that were the kind of events that cause a lot of questions. One was the feel good kind. The kind that makes you sit still and realize that there are people in this world who have God given talents that change the world. The other event was the kind of event that makes you realize there are people in this world who are just the opposite. They have something, I wouldn't call gifts, that do something that changes the world and makes you sit still and realize that there is truly evil in this world. What a conundrum. I, of all people know there are some really sick people in this world. But I guess after having been through all we have over the last several months, I have become more acutely aware of both the bad and good things that go on in this world.



The first was the good one. It was the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 25th anniversary concert. I know what some of you Baptist's are thinking, rock and roll. I know, but the thing was I listened to some of the best musical artist's in the world. U2, Bruce Springsteen, Crosby Stills and Nash, James Taylor, Stevie Wonder. It was amazing. And during the middle of Simon and Garfunkel, my wife brought up the point that music just isn't what it used to be. What followed was a conversation about how music today just has no substance or meaning. What has happened? I know that during their time young men were being drafted and sent to a war that was killing them in record numbers. They wrote songs that had substance and meaning. Agree or not, they wrote about things going on in the world. And the music itself, no comparison to today's music. They had to be able to sing and play music. They did not have all the computers to "clean up" their voices, nothing to help their albums sound better. They could do it all, write it, play it, sing it. Today, most musicians sound terrible in person. It's all about the looks, the shows, the money. And I would venture to say that most of today's rock stars wouldn't have the first clue how to write a song or play an instrument. Thank goodness there are still a few around who can do those things. Music is important to me. I am not sure how to put my finger on it, but music is nourishment, peace, and many other things. I may not always be in the mood for the same kind of music, but I can always count on finding the music I want, when I want it. It helps me cry when I need to cry, laugh when I need to laugh, be still when I need to be still, and sing when I want to sing. Probably why it was said, "Make a joyful noise to the Lord".

The second event was the horrific tragedy in the state of Washington. I am sure all of you have heard by now that four Police Officers were murdered in coffee shop on Sunday morning. Three men and one woman gave the ultimate sacrifice. This event really hit home with me. Most of them were around my age. They were fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, and brothers and sisters to all of us in law enforcement. We are a very, very tight knit group. We take care of one another. Never have I seen that more than in our life over the last several months. I won't go into great detail now, I will save it for another blog, but the men and women of the Owasso and Collinsville Police Departments have been incredible. Even my mom has said several times she cannot believe how tight we are and how we take care of each other. I am now going to get on my proverbial soap box. I think sometimes it is forgotten what Police Officers do on a daily basis. I understand that it is easy to do. I know as Police Officers, we are looked upon as ticket writers, men and women who are a necessary evil. I get it. I, like everyone else, still get that sinking feeling when you look in your rear view mirror and see the cop car behind you. And I do it for a living! Ours is a thankless job. Not a thinkless, a thankless job. When we are called it is usually when people are not at their best. We are called when grown ups cannot solve their own problems. We are marriage counselors, babysitters, mediators, and report takers. We are usually the ones who tell families they have lost a loved one. We respond to and investigate domestic violence, child abuse, shootings, homicides, sex crimes, and barking dogs. We deal with drug users who cannot take care of their own kids. I am part of the Tulsa County District Attorney's Task Force on crimes against children. You can only imagine what we deal with. We see and deal with things most people couldn't deal with. I still have nightmares from time to time about some of the things I have seen. Ever been at the grocery store with your wife and have a person, who you arrested two nights before, follow you around while you are shopping? Ever had someone you have arrested knock on you front door? I have, both. Ever had someone tell you when they get out of prison they are going to find you and kill you? Yep several times. And then there are those who will be the first to file a complaint on us for driving to fast to a call, but then will complain on us when they call and we don't get there fast enough. They want us to arrest someone else for something we can't arrest them for, but when they or a family member do something we have to arrest them for, they fight us. And finally, we as Officers, know every time we put on our uniform and go to work, it could be the last time we see our families. Part of our oath of office is we will lay down our life to protect our citizens. And if need be, we will, with honor. And we do it all with very little pay. Most of us have to work part-time jobs just to get by. My families hearts and prayers go out to the family, friends and co-workers of the fallen Officers. The ultimate sacrifice. I cannot imagine the pain they are feeling right now. I will get off my soap box now. I have spoken my peace, if you will. If you see a Police Officer today, thank them for what they do, buy them a cup of coffee, let them know you appreciate what they do. The last two months has renewed my desire to be a cop. I want to go back and be the best I can. It's one of those core changes I hope I don't ever loose again.

Paul Harvey said it well:

The Policeman

What is a Policeman? By Paul Harvey

A policeman is a composite of what all men are I guess, a mingling of saint and sinner, dust and diety. Culled statistics wave the banners over stinkers, underscore instances of dishonesty and brutality because they are news. What that really means is that they are exceptional, they are unusual, they are not commonplace. Buried under the froth are the facts and the fact is less than one-half of one percent misfit that uniform and that is a better percentage than what you'd find among clergymen. What is a policeman? He of all men is at once the most needed and the most wanted; a strangely nameless creature who is "Sir" to his face, "pig" or worse behind his back. He must be such a diplomat that he can settle differences among individuals so that each will think he won. If a policeman is neat, he's conceited. If he's careless, he's a bum. If he's pleasant, he's a flirt. If he's not, he's a grouch. He must make instant decisions that would require months for a lawyer. But if he hurries, he's careless -if he's deliberate, he's lazy. He must be first to an accident and infallible with a diagnosis. He must be able to start breathing, stop bleeding, tie splints and, above all, be sure the victim goes home without a limp. Or, he must expect to be sued. The police officer must know every gun, draw on the run and hit where it doesn't hurt. He must be able to whip two men twice his size and half his age without soiling his uniform and without being "brutal". If you hit him, he's a coward - if he hits you, he's a bully. A policeman must know everything and not tell. He must know where all the sin is and not partake. The policeman must, from a single human hair, be able to describe the crime, the weapon, the criminal, and tell you where the criminal is hiding. But if he catches the criminal, he's lucky; if he doesn't, he's a dunce.If he gets promoted, he has political pull. If he doesn't, he's a dullard. The policeman must chase bum leads to dead ends, stakeout 10 nights to tag one witness who saw it happen but refuses to remember. He runs files and writes reports until his eyes ache to build a case against some felon who'd get dealt out by a shameless shamus or an honorable who isn't honorable. The policeman must be a minister, a social worker, a diplomat, a tough guy, and, of course, a genius, for he has to feed a family on a policeman's salary.

(Paul Harvey's own father was a policeman, who was killed by a bootlegger on Christmas Eve when Paul was a little boy.)

I know I haven't written in a while, and now I have "blogged" twice in the last two days. It seems the main theme of our lives here lately has been a day or two of big news, then hurry up and wait. With not much happening in the mean time. To let you know, there is also a new post just previous to this one, so there are actually two new ones. To begin, Rebecca and I went to my appointment with the surgeon yesterday. Going in, I had prepared myself to hear that my arm would require me to be off work for the next several weeks. I did not want to get my hopes up, and we had shifted gears and begin preparing ourselves for that. However, he told us the graft is now fully taken and the skin is strong, and that not only can I begin using my hand and arm again, but I will be able to go back to full duty next week! We are so grateful! I am really looking forward to going back to work. I still have to put ointment on it and keep it wrapped for the next two weeks. Then I will be able to expose it, only having to massage it each night, for a while, with Vitamin E Oil. He doesn't want to see me again until February. What a miracle!

I have been truly humbled yesterday and today. When Rebecca, Mom and I met with the surgeon that first day in his office, I never thought that only two months later I would be going back to work. I fully expected to be undergoing some kind of treatments, sick, and either in bed at home or the hospital. I saw on the news earlier this week the Rev. Billy Joe Daugherty had passed away. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma around the same time I was diagnosed. (For those of you not from around here, he is the pastor of a very large church in Tulsa called Victory. They have a school and Bible College as well.) Since they are somewhat associated with Oral Roberts University, I have met him a couple of times. He passed away while at MD Anderson Hospital in Houston. He had been battling an infection due to the chemo depleting his immune system. His was a cancer, statistically, that is much more treatable than mine. The long term survivability rates of mine are much more dim. My heart and prayers go out to him and his family and friends. But it caused me to realize that you just never know. By all rights I should have cancer somewhere else. Why am I healed and he is not? Why has my extreme, bad case, turned out to be such a miracle and his didn't. Who knows. It will be a question I ask my creator some day. What I do know is that illness and death are no respecter of persons or situations. And truly, bad things happen to good people. The results of free will and living in a world of sin. Mine is a miracle that is the result of love, prayers and support. Many times over the last several days I have gotten emotional just thinking about what a miracle this has been, and how blessed we are to have such great family, friends, and workplaces. I wish I could thank each of you face to face. But no matter what we do or say, we can never repay what we have been given, nor are there sufficient words in the English language to express or gratitude to all of you for the love, prayers, and support.

I wrote about mothers on my previous blog. I wrote about my mother and how our relationship has grown. I feel the same about my father. He has been there for me everyday, step by step. And I cannot thank him enough. I cannot imagine having gone through this without him. He has been here for us in every way imaginable. One of the biggest for me has been being able to pick up the phone and call my dad on those days where my head wasn't in a good place. Just talking to him, even if not about the cancer, always helps me get back to the right frame of mind. My parents have taught me so much about unconditional love and support, and continue to help me learn how to be a better parent. I wish I could express to you how much this experience has changed my family but I just cannot. I try and remember every day not to take for granted that we will always be here, and that life can change that at any moment. Again, what a great time to learn how to be truly grateful for my family. One of the other lesson's that my parents have taught me is that gratitude needs to be an everyday, vital part of my life.

It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday dealings and problems in life. It is easy to allow those things to get me down and frustrated. We have had our share of those things of late. Anna's tooth incident started this week off. After they got home from the dentist Sunday, Rebecca and I were sitting on the back porch and she told me that the dentist asked her at one point if we still have a certain dental insurance. She replied yes to which the dentist answered, "I wish you didn't". I told Rebecca, that is code for get ready for a huge bill. We will probably be paying of medical bills for years to come. Then Monday Rebecca lost her debit card. We had to cancel it. I picked up her paycheck from work this morning thinking we would be able to deposit it today, but no, the city post-dated it for Friday. It's always something. Gratitude. During these times it always helps me to take an inventory of myself and all the things I am grateful for. Amazing how well it works for me. And today, I am thankful to be alive, thankful for my wife, kids, and all my family and friends. Thankful that in this economy I have a good job. I am thankful I have a car to drive, clothes to wear, a warm house to live in. I am thankful that I live in a free country. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital or going through chemo. You know what is funny, today I am most grateful that I am again typing with two hands! Wow what I take for granted in life. Taking things for granted. Okay, I will save that for another day. This post is getting long I know.

Well I will stop now. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We love each and everyone of you. My prayer is that all of you will have the best Thanksgiving ever. And that we all focus on what is important in life, and that's each other. May God bless you the way he has blessed us.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath.........

It was a beautiful fall evening. There was a slight breeze blowing, wafting just the faintest hint of a fireplace from some where unknown. The air was clear, and the sky full of birds going who knows where. I had the grill on, with beautiful chickens, who gave their lives for the best cause, slowly basting. The ribs marinating, waiting to be cooked and devoured. The fire pit was prepared anxiously waiting to warm us up and help us relax. The kids were in the front yard playing. I could hear their giggles and laughter when the breeze would relent. I reluctantly went inside to change my clothes. As I finished I went to the living room and was speaking to my wonderful wife. Suddenly the door opened and we heard the muffled cry of Brianna. I have a rule with the kids, if your not bleeding, you better not be crying. (Only kidding, geeze, get off my back!) As I turned the corner and just began to give my famous saying, I saw her. A bloody paper towel held in her mouth. Blood dripping down her chin and on her shirt. Tears meandering down each check. I froze in my tracks! I shifted into that Type A, cop, I am trained for anything, I will fix anything, hands confidently on my hips with my chest puffed out frame of mind and boldly said, "what happened?" Its like superman had arrived! I began preparing to spring into action to render first aid for any cut, scrape bump or broken bone. Ready to bound to the car and drive to the emergency room. Brianna answered in a paper towel muffled voice, "I knocked out my tooth". At the same time presenting her right hand which contained her tooth, root and all! I bravely turned, looked into her mother's eyes and said, "holy cow she knocked out her entire tooth". I then boldly walked back to the bedroom, thanking God that Rebecca was here and it didn't happen on Mr. Mom's watch!

True story. And it happened Sunday afternoon. You know, I won't go into great detail, but I have seen a lot. Murders, suicides, car crashes, drownings, all kinds of carnage. Doesn't bother me a bit. I will go on one of those calls, then go right to eat. No problem. But there is just something about the teeth and mouth that gets me. I am going to admit something I probably shouldn't. I haven't been to a dentist in over fifteen years. They are mean, pain inflicting, people, who I am fully convinced do it on purpose. I have known several of them over the years who I really like as people, but something happens when they put on the coat. Okay, okay, I know it's not true. And there is one who I am especially grateful for now, even though it didn't start that way. Rebecca, being the great mother she is calmly stood up, took the tooth and put it in a glass of cold milk. She then called the dentist for help. The dentist then told her we should put the tooth back in place. WHAT? PUT IT BACK? I don't even want to look at it. Why on God's green earth would I even begin to know how to put it back. See, dentist's! Rebecca didn't feel comfortable with that idea either. So the now wonderful, awesome, best dentist in the world, met them at her office to fix the tooth. The dentist put the tooth back in place and after a failed attempt to take a mold and make a retainer, put four braces across her front teeth to hold it in place. She will go back in two weeks to have it checked and will possibly have to have a root canal. Anna, (what I call her) has been a trooper. She is a tough little girl. We don't really know all the details of what happened. She was roller blading in the driveway with a metal curtain rod in her hand. Somehow she fell forward and hit the rod. The first thing she wanted to know when she got home was if her brother's had thrown away the rod! She wanted it gone.

But what really got to me, and the reason for this post, is what I observed. It is Thanksgiving time, a time to be grateful. What I watched take place between Brianna and Rebecca was the amazing mystery of the child and parent relationship. Especially the mother and child. Mother's, I would argue, are one of God's greatest creation's. It reminded me of my mother. Rebecca stayed calm. Never got excited. Which in turn kept Anna calm, and yes me too. I would watch them as Anna would hug her and there was something indescribable about it. That mother child connection that is a gift from God. As I thought about it while they were gone, I thought about what I have been through the last several months and how much my mother and father have meant to me. Those long conversations I have had with my mom that are different than ever before. Something about facing my own mortality forces me to focus on the things that are important, and draws me closer to people. I have always been close to my mom. But this has stripped away any last issues I may have had with my family, and drawn us closer than ever. My mom has always been there for me no matter what. But things are different now, better, better than I could have ever imagined. It's a mom thing. Those hugs, the love, the words of wisdom and support, indescribable. It's what I think is God's best example of his love for us. Unconditional, supportive, calming love. God figured out a way to give us the best earthly example, even though his is much greater, of the kind of love he has for us. What an incredible lesson in love. It is another great lesson that I am learning through this tough time. Thank you to all of my family for your love and support. I can't do it without out you.

Mom, thank you. You are the best. I Love You!

I had a brain scan done last week. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't a good experience. I don't know who was more happy to see me leave, me or the radiology tech. It wasn't pretty. But, the scan can back clear. Another amen. I go to the surgeon tomorrow and I am hoping to be released to go back to work. I am not holding my breath, just hoping. I don't think my arm is ready yet. I will post tomorrow night and let everyone know what happens. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Thought you all might like a few picks of my beautiful bride. I know most of you are asking yourselves, how did I pull that off! Please don't ask too much, it might ruin it. I have no idea how I convinced her. She is the best. And wow is she gorgeous!

I am going to go in a little different direction with this posting. I read a blog the other day where a man, a minister, wrote about the importance of being pruned. I understand pruning. One of the many hats I wore before finding my way in life was landscaping. Some of you may have fountain grass or monkey grass in your gardens. Both of them should be pruned in the fall. They should be cut back, almost to ground level, and then in the spring and summer they will grow back and be fuller and taller. If you want a tree to grow tall, healthy, and give good shade then the branches toward the bottom of the tree need to be cut off and encourage the growth to be higher up the tree. Also, any dead or damaged limbs need to be removed. Pruning. Pruning is a good thing no matter the application. It removes the old and encourages growth and health in its recipient. (Funny, the English language. Prune, the fruit and juice, disgusting. Prune to get rid of the old and encourage the new, good!) The author of the blog, like me, has cancer. If I understand him right he refers to each of these experiences as God's way of pruning. Getting rid of the old ideas and issues and bringing us to a place in life that is basic. Bring us to a place where we start to realize what is important in life. I know what is happening to me is pruning. Sitting around the house not being able to work, having only one hand each day, being told you have cancer, these are the power tools of human pruning!

But as I have pondered this question of pruning I have asked myself is it really God doing this. I can honestly tell you that not once have I asked why me. As my friend Chad said, why not me. I have talked to many of you since all this started and some of you, who know me well, have said when you do something you do it right! A truer statement was never spoken. I don't know whether or not plants can feel. I have my doubts. But I can tell you pruning doesn't feel too good for me. Being told I have cancer, not being able to work, all the pruning happening to me right now doesn't always feel good. I wish I could sit here and tell you everyday has been great, and I rejoice everyday for this gift, but I can't. Some days are just not good. Some days I just want to scream. Some days are great. Some days I think, ok I got it, I understand. And as I sit here I still ask myself is this the direct hand of God, or is this just life? Did God do this, is he just allowing it to happen, or is it just life? I don't believe God "did" this to me. Did he allow it? I really don't know. I don't presume to know what God is thinking. But the question I keep asking myself is, how many pruning opportunities have I missed in the past? See, when they are big events, like cancer, I get it. But I look back and realize how many smaller opportunities I have missed. Driving in traffic, situations at work, people, the list is long. Let me give you an example. Before getting married, I lived alone for several years. I am a very clean and neat person when it comes to my house, almost obsessive. It's easy to keep things clean when you live alone. Marrying my beautiful wife meant moving into a house with four other people. Three of whom are kids. Let the pruning begin! Don't get me wrong, I still keep the house clean, but I have had to learn to not worry so much if things aren't just the way I like them. It's okay if the bed didn't get made. It's okay if shoes aren't put up or there's a few dirty dishes. Honestly it doesn't stay that way for long, but the pruning comes in not getting upset about it. Learning to put things in perspective by what is really important. It's a process, and I work on it daily. But hopefully I will be much more aware of these opprotunity in the future, no matter the size.

Well on the cancer front, we spoke with the doctor's office today and the latest tumor is clear. No cancer. Thank God! Also, after much prayer, talking and reasearch, we have chosen not to do the treatments. We simply feel the risks far out way the reward. I have talked enough about the side effects, but simply put we don't want to risk any long term damage to my mind or body. So, time to get back to life. Hopefully I will go back to work next week and be on light duty. We went grocery shopping today. I need to get back to work, and get a second job!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

Three kids and me. Five grilled pork chops, one whole fryer chicken grilled, one container of rice and one bag of salad. Dinner time. After dinner, zero pork chops, one half of fryer chicken, one half container of rice and an empty bag of salad. $25.00. Friday payday, priceless, at least for a few days! Man they just never stop eating! Anybody got a mini-van they want to donate? Why you ask? Ever seen the movie Mr. Mom? I am the epitome of Mr. Mom, but now days they are called soccer moms, thus the need for the mini van! And all still one handed. The only thing I am not very good at one handed is folding clothes, but come to think of it I am not good at that two handed.



Well I know it has been a while since I have written. Playing soccer mom has kept me busy! There also hasn't been any news to write about, at least until this week. I have had four doctor's appointments this week. The first was my primary care, the theme of which was my weight and blood pressure. And then he talked some about my blood pressure then my weight. Then we talked some about my weight and my blood pressure. You get the drift. Then off to the Oncologist. I was hoping to find someone with wings, a wand and some pixey dust to sprinkle on us to give us that magical answer we've been looking for. Wait for it......NOPE, just a human like the rest of us. (I must say she was great. Rebecca and I both really liked her a lot.) We talked to her for quite a while. She repeated basically everything we have learned already. No magic dust. She told us that the interferon has a history of very tough side effects, both physical and mental, and that she has never had a patient complete the full round of treatments. At one point she summed up how I feel right now. Keep in mind I will paraphrase, but basically what she said was it's gotta be tough deciding whether to do the treatments and possibly be sick for a year, with not much hope for a good result, or choose not to and just wait for the other shoe to fall. That's how we feel everyday. As I have stated before the best the interferon can promise is maybe a 10% reduction in the recurrence rate and maybe push back the recurrence time by a year. It does nothing to improve the survivability rate. So again with the dilemma. We have not made a decision yet. For me it will be a quality of life issue. The real struggle for both of us is if we choose not to are we going to feel like we are doing everything we can. Or will we feel guilty that we aren't. I have searched for answers in life before and never felt like I got them, not until the decision was made and I was able to look back and see if my decision was the right one. This is one of those that scares me to think time will be the answer. But then again I could be hit by a bus before then! I said in an earlier blog how my wise mother told me welcome to your new life. Well to give you a glimpse I went to the dermatologist's office this morning. One of the things I will have to do is go to the dermatologist every three months, along with the Oncologist. I had my first full body scan this morning. The doctor found a small lump under the skin on my right shoulder, with a mole on the top of the skin next to it. She then numbed my shoulder, cut the tumor out, then stitched the incision. Then told me she was not too concerned but it needed to be sent to the lab to be tested. Great, more waiting to hear test results. But that is what my life will be from now on. Oh and I almost forgot. I went to the surgeon's yesterday for a follow up. The skin graft is looking good. I don't have to wear my sling anymore but I do have to keep it wrapped. I still cannot use my hand and will not be fully released to work for at least three more weeks. So here we are. I have never felt so at a loss. I am afraid to do the treatments. But I am afraid not to. I am scared to let my family down. I am scared to put my family through me being sick and depressed for a year. I am scared of losing my job or my income. Or do we wait. I just don't know.



What I do know is this, each time we face a new obstacle, my resolve to become a better person is challenged. As I have said all along, my perspective on life and what is important is changing. One of those areas is work. I love being a cop. I hope to have a long and enjoyable career. But what I have realized is pre-cancer being a cop was who I was, not what I did. It should be what I do, not who I am. I also can look back and realize that I would too quickly get caught up in the gossip and the small petty things that just don't matter. I would allow what others would do or say to affect me to the point of losing sleep. I made it more important than I should have. Don't get me wrong, some of it you can't help but bring home. Ours is a tough job. The things we see, hear and have to deal with. You have to be a special person to do what we do and keep your sanity. The world is not a pretty place. But if I can change my perspective on work, and keep it in it's place, I will actually be a better cop. Keeping my focus on why I became a cop, to make a difference.

I have been asking myself a question a lot lately, if it all ends tomorrow, did I leave this place better than I found it? Have I done and been the best I could? Right now, today, no I haven't. So my new goal is each day when I lay down to sleep, can I do so with a clear conscience that I did the best I could and somehow made a difference, even if only a small one. Tough challenge for me.

Keep us in your prayers. Hopefully we will find out next week if the new tumor is cancerous. Again with the waiting! I also found out this week I only have ten hours of sick time left, but have to be out for three more weeks. Because of my generous boss, or the "the boss" as I like to call her, and some light duty, I think we have it covered. But if anything should change in the near future, life could get even more interesting. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....

This is a beautiful October Glory Maple tree in our front yard. Being home most days I have had the joy of watching it make its fall transformation. Last evening I walked outside to see the most amazing sunset. The picture does not do justice to what I was able to stand there and soak in. God's amazing glory and the gift of slowing down life to enjoy these pleasures I would normally ignore, gifts that have come in spite of the way they got here. Funny that I am making my own transformations during the time the earth is making hers. I know how I feel about hers, it's mine I am not so sure about some days. Some days I just don't know how to feel. I stood in awe looking at that sunset and was reminded how much bigger all of this is than me. I only hope that no matter what happens, I will never forget to "stop and smell the roses".

We need a new kind of prayer. As I have said the battle we face is both scary and unsure. The one thing I am learning about this melanoma is even the best doctors in the world just don't know much about it. They know even less about how to treat it. I have been doing a lot of reading about interferon, the treatment that has been suggested, and the more I learn about it the less excited I am about doing it. As I said in a previous blog, it is not designed to kill cancer but rather to boost my immune system which they think helps fight any cancer cells that may return in the future. Statistically it is supposed to reduce the recurrence rate from 85% to 70%, and possibly push back the time frame of the recurrence. It won't stop it, or even prevent it. It is a controversial topic in the medical community. My doctors here are suggesting I not do it. The doctors at MD Anderson and another well respected cancer hospital are saying I should. Now if I only had one of those magic eight balls! The problem for me is the side effects can be brutal. I have read many stories where long term mental and physical effects were too much. Some of them, that I won't go into, were at best extreme. There are also those who go through it without any problems, even returning to a normal life during the treatments. All without any guarantee that it will even be effective. One full year of almost daily injections, possible bad side effects, and not a single promise that it will do even the slightest bit of good. Or it may help. For me, the definition of dilemma. Thus the request for a new kind of prayer. Pray for us to have wisdom in making this decision. Pray we will find the guidance that we need. Pray that if we choose to do it that the side effects will be minimal. Pray that Landry Jones will win games for OU. Wait sorry wrong prayer! Seriously I really just don't know what to do. I don't like not having an answer. We are going to meet with more doctors over the coming days and will make a decision soon. As soon as we know we will let all of you know. Please keep praying.

In the mean time I am going to try and keep things slow, and continue to to enjoy all the changes going on in and around me. When I go slower I can smell the roses without cutting my nose on the thorns!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Well it is Saturday morning, the day we go home. Rebecca and I talked a lot yesterday and we've tried to remind ourselves that it could always be worse and that a lot of good things have happened. I told her at one point that I am grateful we came to Houston in October, not July or August. I have been here during those months and the humidity is unreal! I am also grateful we had the opportunity to go to a place like MD Anderson. Just that alone is tremendous. There is so much that we are thankful for right now!



I want to say a few things about my post yesterday. I do not want anyone to think we are giving up, or are not going to fight! We are going to fight this with every ounce of being that we have! This is not going to get me anytime soon! (I am not done annoying my wife and mother yet, way too much fun.) We simply feel like we always need to be open and honest about what the doctors tell us and what is going on each day. We also, as a couple, feel like it is important for us to face reality. We aren't going to be morbid or obsess over it, but we also can't bury our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist either. We feel there is a healthy balance. I told Rebecca yesterday that the long term prognosis, although bad, will be a great motivator for me to do the things I will need to do like the treatments and changing my eating habits. And a lot of you know me, I like to be "shot straight", tell me like it is and we will deal with it. Some body said "I wouldn't have had the nerve to ask the doctor what you did", well I didn't have the nerve not to! The fact that at this point there is no cancer to be found is a miracle! I know I have said it and it is true! We are very grateful for that. A lot of people we have talked to have asked what the significance of that is for us now. The best way I can describe it is war. What we did was win a battle, just not the war. But, how do you win the war? Win the battles! Andy 1, cancer 0. I still tell it everyday, you ain't gonna beat me. (I just thought of two or three more analogies I could have used in place of war so here goes. No just kidding I won't bore you but I do have a good boxing one!) My wife and I talked a lot yesterday about how this is going to change our lives on a daily basis, but how not to let it control us. We will hopefully find a healthy balance. I want to make one thing clear that I didn't yesterday. Rebecca asked the doctor if we stay on top of this and catch any recurrences early, can I still have a good thirty or forty years? He said yes, more than likely. There is our focus. Rebecca made a great point yesterday, who knows maybe over the next several years they will find a cure. Amen to that. But the bottom line is the only reason we are here today, and the reason why they can't find anymore cancer now is because of God and all your prayers! THANK YOU! I just cannot say it enough. We could not do this without you guys and your prayers and support. Your messages, phone calls, cards, and words of encouragement give us so much strength. So, to use a term from my generation, game on! We will start making doctor's appointments this week and get busy living, We will let everyone know when the treatments will start.

As I finish this we are home. It is good to be home. We are both sick now which is just great. We have had a long day are are ready to watch some football and go to bed! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...........

Okay, here goes. We had our appointment at MD Anderson today. We got there around 9:00 a.m. I registered, was sent for blood work, then got back to a room. We had to fill out a medical history questionnaire before we got there. The nurse, physician's assistant, and the doctor all asked me the same questions we answered on the questionnaire! Then the physician's assistant examined me, left, then the doctor came in and did the same exam. Wow. Finally we were able to sit and visit with him. He was very professional, straightforward, and he answered all of our questions. What follows is the gist of our conversation.



As I have stated I have a Clarks Level 4 melanoma that was large, was ulcerated, and vascular. (Meaning into the veins.) Again, the miracle is that we still cannot find anymore cancer. But I had the things that you don't want to find in melanoma. As we spoke with the doctor he told us right off the bat that the recurrence rate for this type of cancer is 80%-85% within four years. The historical peak of recurrence is about 18 months. He told us that with melanoma, the cells are initially so microscopic they they may be missed by tests for a while. Meaning it still could have spread and we just can't find it yet. I will have to visit an Oncologist every three months for the rest of my life. He also told us the recurrence is usually in the same area. (meaning as a melanoma, not after the spreading) The treatment would then be surgery along with heavy localized chemo. and radiation. He then explained to us that anytime this type of cancer got into my liver, brain, or bones, that the chances of treating it would be slim. With treatments I would live about a year, without treatments about 5-6 months. I then asked him the question that's been in the back of my mind all along. I asked him if this would eventually kill me? His response, "yes it probably will". The survival rate of this kind of cancer, historically, is 20%-25%. We then discussed the options. Now, keep in mind, any treatments we do are not designed to kill cancer, only to prolong the recurrence. He suggested the drug interferon. It hopefully will lower the recurrence rate to 70% and push the time back a few years. It will be a full year of injections. The possible side effects are depression, fatigue, and flu like symptoms. We have done some research and it seems to depend on the individual. The interferon is supposed to boost my immune system, in turn allowing my body to fight the bad cells, which is the only thing they know is effective at fighting the melanoma cells. The good news is we will be able to do this at home. No more trips to Houston for now.

Well that is what we face. I have made the commitment all along to be honest with everyone. I also tell you the truth because we still need all the prayers we can get. The doctor also told us the best prevention will be Rebecca and I. We will have to constantly check my entire body for any changes. If we are clear now, and catch any recurrences early, we should be okay. We are both still in shock. I told my mom earlier, I feel like every time we walk out of a doctors office it feels like we have been punched in the gut and can't catch our breath. But for those of you who know me well know that I just need a couple of days to process this, and come next week we will ready to fight for my life. Mom summed it up today. Welcome to your new life. She's right, it changed forever today. I think I am done for tonight. To top everything off, I am getting sick!

Remember everyday, put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Well it is Monday evening as I write this. Today is Tylers twelfth birthday and I am sitting on the couch watching him play the new video game we bought him. The only bad part about these games is they are expensive, and he will have the whole game beat in a couple of days! We had a very good evening. After school we took him and the other kids to Cici's Pizza, then to Walmart to spend his birthday money, then to eat ice cream. We decided to wait until we came home from Houston to have a party. We just have too much to do to get ready. It was nice just to be together as a family for his day. It has been so exciting to watch him the last couple of days. He has been bouncing off the walls with excitement. It's been invigorating to be around that kind of youthful energy, not to mention the joy I get from watching the three of them grow. I used to get sad and question God wondering why I never had children. Not anymore. This was part of my destiny in life. This is just where I am supposed to be, and just who I am supposed to be with. What joy and peace it has brought to my life.

We are preparing to leave for Houston. We fly out Wednesday afternoon. Our appointment is Thursday morning at 10:00 a.m. Hopefully we will be back Saturday afternoon, unless something changes. We are again in a place with more questions than answers. We have no idea what to expect. Living that way will teach you a great deal about living one day at a time. You have to make a conscious choice to worry to about the unknown, or stay focused on today. I sleep better when I focus on today. When you are told that you have an illness that could ultimately take your life, it does funny things to your head. I know, imagine that! I have not had depression or anger, nor have I wanted to hide. Quite the opposite. I am ready to fight like no one has ever seen. I even say out loud everyday, cancer you picked on the wrong person! (Yes I really do.) I have heard the feelings will come out in different ways. If so, mine have been manifesting themselves in my dreams. Strange, weired, and some scary. The kind of dreams you wake yourself up from then sit there for a minute and come back to reality. (And for those of you who may be wondering, I quit taking my pain medication a week ago. I don't need a padded room.) The brain is an amazing thing. Puzzling, but amazing. As Rebecca and I talked about it today she reminded me it's probably another result of feeling things are out of control for me. And she is right. So much is past the end of my nose. But what really helps is remembering all of the miracles God has already worked so far. The list is too long for this. Someday maybe I will write a book about all the miracles God has worked in my life and the lives of my family. Amazing! So hopefully tonight I can get some rest. We have another long day tomorrow.


Please keep us in your prayers as we travel, and while we are in Houston. We will post on the blog Thursday night after our appointment. We are ready! We need more prayers! My wife Rebecca's best friend Becca, just found out today that she has Cervical Cancer. She has a husband and three small children. Lets show her what prayer is doing for us!

You want to know how much I love my wife? I have been to Walmart four times in the last three days! THAT is love. The good news is if I have to go through chemo I won't have to worry about my hair falling out, I pulled it all out on our last trip. Hope there aren't any Walmarts close in Houston, I would rather go to the hospital! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Well I got to put my new found outlook on life to the test yesterday. For the first time since the surgery, I had my first day back in the real world. I don't think I passed the test. I told Rebecca last night that I guess in my subconscious I have somehow expected things in life to go on hold or at least be smooth while we fight the cancer. Yeah I know what you are saying, I should know better. I got up yesterday and got dressed which was fun one handed. I had to take Brandon to the doctor, so I went to the other side of the house to wake him up. As I walked into the hall I saw the toilet overflowing in their bathroom, and noticed the two inches of water in the floor! So I shut the water off, got Brandon up and went to the doctor for what we thought was a 9:50 appointment. Turns out it was at 10:40. So two hours later we left the doctor. Then off to bank where I had to argue with them, then off to pharmacy where they over charged me $50.00 and another argument, then home to meet a plumber. He fixed the toilet, I watched him, only to have it over flow again later. It still isn't working. There's more but I won't bore you. Point is, and the question I had to ask myself is, how did I handle it? Honestly not too well. But it was also another good lesson learned. I was reminded it's not about what life hands me, it's simply about how I deal with what I am handed. I cannot control the world or others. I cannot control doctors, pharmacies, banks, or anything else past the end of my nose. Truthfully, I don't want to. All I can do is control my thoughts, actions, reactions and attitude. I mess up when I let others rent space in my brain. The bottom line is all those things, days like yesterday, just aren't worth worrying about. Like I said before all those "sayings", don't sweat the small stuff, life is too short, and our new favorite, it could always be worse, really mean something today.

What is important is my brother Jared flew into town yesterday to spend the weekend with me and the family! I am so excited to see him. It is going to be a great weekend. Family is what matters. Period.

When I first wrote this today, we hadn't heard anything from MD Anderson. We heard from them today., We have an appointment next Thursday October 22. It is the initial appointment so we don't really know what to expect. Right now we are in scramble mode to get travel, lodging, work and kid arrangements made! We love you guys!

Remember everyday, put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

I am speechless. I have gone back and forth since we left the doctors office yesterday about how to write about the kind of day we had. The simple, and only way I know how to put into words what we found out is, MIRACLE! Now I must say first, we are far from out of the woods, and we still have a long and tough fight in front of us. But what we heard was completely unexpected. When I got up yesterday I was fully prepared and ready to deal with the worst. I knew it was going to be a long day with the PET Scan, then having to deal with removing bandages and other physical issues. I was also prepared to hear about how far the cancer had traveled and how big of a battle we had to fight. And as I have said all along I am ready to fight. What happened was we got up and went to the PET Scan in the morning first, and as expected it was miserable. I guess I needed only one needle stick to check my blood sugar and inject me with dye, but two of them stuck me six times before they got one to work! I sat there and thought, I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. When we finally got out of there we went straight to the surgeons office for the surgery follow-up. I had to fast before the scan so by the time we got there I was hungry, frustrated and tired. Mom and Dad met us there and I am so grateful for that. When the nurse called us back, Rebecca and I walked into the room, and as we sat down the nurse said something about the pathology lab report. I think I said something like, oh good it's back. She, the nurse, said very casually, yeah it came back negative, (the lymph node) even the part they took out of your arm is negative. I just began to cry. The nurse then handed the lab report to us and surprisingly, there it was in plain english, negative for melanoma. (By surprising I mean plain english in a medical report!) I looked at my wife and said go get mom. Not only did we have to tell them the worst news, we got to tell them the best so far. All four of us just kind of stood or sat there with tears in our eyes trying to let it sink in. Then the doctor came in and told me that when he got to my lab report he gave out a yell because even he didn't expect that kind of report! Then he brought us back to reality reminding us that I still have a serious form of cancer, with a tough road ahead and a cancer with high return rate. We discussed some of our options and other things, then Mom and Dad left the room and the fun began. The wrap and stitches came off my arm which wasn't fun, and yes I almost passed out. Then the drain came out, praise God! Then the real fun came when he ripped the bandage off of my thigh, and Rebecca and I both almost passed out. I still have to wear my sling and keep my arm immobile for several weeks, but it will be easier now to function and I can shower again! Then when we finally got home I was on the phone with papa (a.k.a. dad) and the other line rang. I recognized the number as the surgeons office. When I answered it, it was Dr. Garber, and he said more good news the PET Scan is clear, it shows no cancer! My jaw dropped. I think I remember a high five with Rebecca! High five, where did that come from?!

Now having said all of that, I still want to repeat what I said earlier, we are far from out of the woods. While we are rejoicing in the miracle so far, we still have more work to do. We made the decision from the beginning to go to MD Anderson in Houston for a consultation. We still are. We want the best people in the world working on this with us and that's where they are. Rebecca called them yesterday and began the process. We have to get them all my records and they will review them, then schedule an appointment. They have already told us to be prepared for another surgery right off the bat. They told us that while most surgeons remove and test one lymph node, they remove and test ten. And most treatments, while focused more on future prevention than killing current cells, will be long and arduous, and will make me sick. The main reason I am telling you this is each of you proved yesterday that prayer works, and God is a big God of big miracles! Without each of you and your prayers and thoughts, yesterday would have never happened. I, by all rights, should have cancer all over my body. But the miracle is I don't!Each of you and this experience has stirred a faith inside of me I cannot put into words, thank you! Mine and Rebecca's prayers, on our own, just aren't big enough. So we ask you keep them coming. We are going to need them even more. We will be going to Houston in the next three weeks and we still face the same challenges we did before. There are going to be financial challenges with the travel and each of us missing work. There may really be challenges with Rebecca missing work. There will be obstacles with the kids staying home and in a normal routine. There may be times I have to stay in Houston without my wife. There will be more physical challenges for me. And the list goes on, so we ask that you keep the prayers coming, without them we can't do it! And the "you know what lady" hasn't started singing yet. What I am telling people about the good news from yesterday is it is not an all clear, but it is the best news we could have got. And we are rejoicing!

I have to share another story with you. I have a very good friend, Ron Badertscher. We lived next door to each other before Rebecca and I married and moved to Owasso. I have known Ron for about six years. His mother, Stacy, passed away from cancer several years ago. Ron is a big part of a non-profit organization called Cancer Sucks! He sent me a message yesterday and told me that he was glad to hear our great news yesterday. Yesterday would have been her sixtieth birthday! He said, "what great news to hear on her day". Truly so. Thanks Ron.

Well on a lighter note. I got to sleep in our bed last night and it was great! I am also going to attempt a shower tonight, and I know a few who are grateful for that! Again, we cannot thank you all enough for all you have done! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Well it is day something! I am still sitting on the couch. Same view! All in all, things are still good. No pain to speak of and we are grateful still. I had a rough night, night before last. I have never taken pain pills before and they began to really play havoc on my stomach. Thanks to my brother, Jared the pharmacist, he was able to give me a remedy and I am much better now. I want to say a huge thank you to our dear friend Melissa. She called and came over Monday night. She took it upon herself to come over and pamper us. She exfoliated Rebecca's face and hands. (I think that's what it is called, and no I did not have mine done!) Then she gave us both foot massages! And I mean a full massage with two kinds of cream and warm water. It was incredible! It also has to be one of the most selfless acts I have seen in a long time. It was a true example of putting others first, and giving without expectations. I, for the first time in my life, grasped the full lesson of washing someones feet. Thank you Melissa, not only did we both enjoy it immensely, you taught me another lesson in life. One I truly needed to learn.

Okay, since this blog morphed into me trying to express my feelings and thoughts, it requires honesty on part. Otherwise it will be meaningless. So, today I am not so good. Physically good. Mentally not so good. Part of it is the sitting on the couch and not being able to do anything, and having to rely so heavily on someone else. If I have never been anything else in life, I have been independent. For those of you who don't know me well, I need to be busy. I love being at home, but even at home I am constantly busy. Cleaning house, (yes I like cleaning) working in the yard or the garage, just staying busy. So, on day whatever, I am getting restless. I also go in tomorrow for the PET Scan and I am not looking forward to having to lay completely still for two hours with the bandages, sling and drain. Not to mention just being still for that long. The bigger issue is still the waiting. I guess in the aftermath of the surgery I have had enough to keep my mind busy. But the last couple of days I have regressed into worrying about the unknown again. We are still waiting on the lymph node biopsy and I am really ready for an answer. If it is cancerous it will require another surgery which excites me very little. I just want answers and I am growing impatient. I try not to but it is getting tough. We also see the surgeon tomorrow and I am hoping they at least take the drain out. I will say overall I am still confident we are going are going to beat this thing, it is just one of those days. Fear still creeps in from from time to time, guess it's part of the journey. Keep us in your prayers tomorrow.

My how God works. The kids just got home from school and the house is again full of laughter and energy. Just what the doctor ordered. We love you guys!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

Day 4? Well no rain to watch today which is ok. Something about that rain that is so relaxing though. I did have a really good "babysitter" again today. Nothing like mom when you aren't well. And as a good mother does she came bearing gifts! Food! Taco's, cheese dip, bananna pudding and.............LEMON BARS! Praise God! Thank you mom! It really was good, she got to spend some time with the kids today which they always enjoy as she does. I am so very greatful for my family and friends. I have been truly humbled by all of the phone calls and messages I have received over the last two days. They mean so much to us right now, hearing your words of friendship and encouragement is a large part of where we draw our strength. I had to charge my phone twice today! Thank you for your prayers for Rebecca, she slept last night and looks much more rested today. We are going to try and move the recliner into our bedroom so we can at least sleep in the same room. We are still newly weds after all.

I have thought a lot today about the unknowns we face over the next several weeks. I would be lying if I said there was no fear. There is, we are all scared, it is human nature. The waiting and fear of the unknown is still the worst. We speak often that we are ready to find something out, formulate a game plan, and get busy. I was watching the Shawshank Redemption yesterday and was reminded of one of my favorite movie lines, "you can either get busy living, or get busy dying". We are getting busy living. But the main theme that keeps running through my head is how things have already changed for me. So many things that used to be important to me just aren't anymore. Things and people who used to bother me, sometimes to the point of losing sleep, don't anymore. The corny sayings we have heard all our lives like "don't sweat the small stuff" and "one day at a time" actually mean something to me today. My cancer survivor comrade Chad posted a saying on his facebook today, "I used to pity myself for having no shoes till I met the man with no feet". Wow! Life is too short, another one of those over used statements. Life is too short. It's too short to be angry, too short to be jealous, too short to be mean, too short to carry a grudge, too short to not talk to and be with those we love, and the list goes on. One of our new favorite saying's is "it could always be worse", and it could. My hope and prayer is that others can find their "place" without that phone call. I however am way too hard headed to just listen to someone else and learn. I have to be smacked over the head with the phone call just to get my attention. You can ask my parents I have one way of learning, the hard way. My next big obsticle in life is WHEN I am well, I won't forget everything I just said!

Well I will end now. That has just really been on my heart today. Life is all about our families and friends and we love all of you! I have a really big day tomorrow..........the couch and football! It's a rough life but somebody's got to do it.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

Day number 3 I think. They are starting to run together on me. As I have stated before there have been so many blessings each day that it has just been amazing. I was blessed with another today. Even though I am a little more mobile I still require a "babysitter". Since Rebecca had to go back to work my Dad came over and sat with me today. It's always wonderful to spend time with any of my family, and it was special to hang with pop's today. Thanks dad. Do me a special favor, when you pray tonight, pray for sleep for my wonderful wife. She has so much on her plate right now. A glimpse in her life today. She was up early, like 6 am, got herself and the kids ready, dropped them off for school then off to work for a twelve hour shift. While at work not only did she work, she came home twice to check on me and made numerous phone calls to the doctor and pharmacies. (We are having issues with the bandage on my leg still.) She went to two different pharmacies looking for the right bandages. She will then come home after 7 pm, feed us spend time with the kiddos, then help me clean up, change my bandages, change my clothes, empty the drain attached to my arm and get me situated to sleep. Then she works again tomorrow! All the while never complaining once. Not so much as one negative word or frown. She really needs a good nights sleep, and a really long vacation when all of this is over!

Nothing else new to share today. Mom is coming over to babysit tomorrow and I am looking forward to that. I had a rough night last night and am looking forward to a better night tonight.

I hope you all enjoyed the pictures. Never again will I make anyone look at a picture of me without a full shirt on I promise. I was ambushed in that picture! And of course you can now see the kind of sense of humor Shawn, Josh, and my wife have finding it so funny I was in the Women's Health Center for my major surgery! Okay truth be told, I would have done the same thing had the tables been turned. I do believe there is a lot of truth to laughter is the best medicine. I hope each of you are well. Thanks again for all the prayers and support. Until next time....

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath......

Pictures from Surgery day:)

Right after surgery, he was awake and doing well. I'm guessing Josh or Shawn said something goofy to make him laugh:)


Of course we couldn't resist, this was the sign over the doorway to go to his room:)

Josh was able to get this picture, even though it was the women's health center, apparently alot of surgeons operate out of here, they did an excellent job taking care of him!!!

"Center for Women's Health, MakingWomen's Health a Priority"

Day 2 on the couch andI am looking out the window watching God water the earth. Amazing how I view things differently now days. I can honestly say I am more relaxed right now, inspite all of the unknowns we still face, and in spite of the wraps, slings and tubes, than I have been in a long time. Not being at work helps a great deal as well. As much as I love what I do, and I am sure that I will miss it before long, I must admit this is a nice break. I still feel good physcially. The pain is still minimal which is tremendous. I am a little more mobile today. We have quickly settled into a routine. Every four hours I take my medicine. I then sit up on the edge of the couch and Rebecca helps me put the sling on my arm. I then get up with her help, and do a sort of waddle limp thing to the bathroom. I then waddle limp back to the couch, where she helps me sit back down and we make any necessary sling, wrap or tube adjustments. The wrap on my leg always slides down when I get up and move around which has become annoying. It is quite a show to watch! The good news is today my legs feel better and I am able to put the sling on myself and get up and then back down without any help! I know it doesn't sound like much but hopefully it will mean my wife can go to bed tonight and sleep without having to get up with me all night. (She has to go back to work tomorrow) Yes I will admit it, its hard for me to ask and rely on someone else for help. But I am getting better. The kids were gone the day of surgery, so when they got home after school yesterday was the first time they saw me in my current state. They did really well. Brianna wasn't sure what to think. At one point she sat down on the couch, looked at my cast and said "that's cool". It was really good to have the kids home. That is pretty much life for us right now. I know, I know, take a deep breath, the excitment is overwhelming!

The latest news from the medical front. We go in next Tuesday for a PET Scan. That will tell us if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. We also hope to know by then the results of the lymph node biopsy. We will then meet with several Dr.'s here to put together a treatment plan, if it has spread. Then we would make plans to go to Houston. Well that is all for know. Time for my four hour stuff! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....

Surgery

Well here we are, the day after surgery, on the couch recliner my new favorite place in the world! And yes I am pecking left handed. The surgery went great according to the doctor. They took the large piece out of my forearm and I have a very large soft cast on my arm. I have to keep it completely still, not even moving my fingers. When I get up to go to the bathroom, or get up to do anything, I have to put on a sling. They took a large piece of skin off of the top of my right thigh for the skin graft so I have a very large three-layer bandage on it that is taped to my leg and safety pinned to my shorts to keep it from sliding down when I go to the bathroom! I also had a large incision under my right arm where they removed a lymph node to be tested. I also have a drain hose, about two feet long, coming out of that incision. It has to be drained every so often. The pain has been very manageable. Much better than we thought it would be which we are very grateful for! Thank you so much to all of you for your prayers, thoughts, calls, and messages. Thanks to all who were at the hospital, and all who came by the house yesterday, it meant the world to us. And to Josh, your the best! To my wife, you are the best wife and nurse ever. I would never want to do this without her! I am trying to be a good patient! She pretty much has to do everything for me, getting up every four hours at night to give me medicine, cook, feed me, drain the hose, help me get up and down, and the list goes on. She is incredible! I am going to let her finish this blog today because I just took my medicine and feel a nap coming on! But I wanted to say thanks again and we love you guys!

He pretty much said it all... and no I do not pay him to say anything nice about me:) He's doing great, praying the pain continues to stay manageable for him. And he is being a great patient! So far so good... We will not hear any new results for a few days, possibly even early next week. As soon as the doctor hears anything he will call us. We will see him next Tuesday, hopefully the drain will be removed and that will be one less thing Andy has to deal with. I have to say we have been greatly blessed with our group of doctors, the Dermatologist and her nurse Jan has stayed in contact throughout all of this. Jan called yesterday to check on him, even said she had thought about coming up to the hospital to sit with us, since it was her day off, but she was worried we would be bothered since we really don't know her. Of course we would have been honored, but glad she didn't spend a day off sitting at a boring hospital:) It's amazing to us that she has taken the time to encourage us and help in any way she can. The surgeon, Dr. Garber called the night before surgery to check on him, and again last night. He made sure we had all his numbers so we could call any time day or night if needed. This has truly been a God thing, we picked Dr. Kendrick(dermatologist) off a list from the insurance web site with no referrals or information, and in turn she has referred us to the others, to know that God has his hand in every little detail is amazing!! Everything has gone smoothly and quickly and can only pray it continues that way. We are humbled by all the prayers and support we have from all our family, friends and strangers that have been been and will continue to pray for us. We could not have gone through this as well as we have without all that everyone has done for us. Thank you!!!! We have been asked numerous times over the last two weeks if we need anything, right now there really is not anything we need, however, the prayers,visits, phone calls and messages help greatly, so keep them coming;)


Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breathe.......

Well it is Monday morning, the day before the surgery and tests. I must admit, I am not looking forward to it. I told Rebecca the other day that I think I am more worried about the surgery than I am the cancer. I made the mistake last week of reading an article in our local newspaper about a man who went to one of our local hospital's for knee surgery and they performed the surgery on the wrong knee! And no, it's not the hospitial we will be using. Not a good choice on my part.

I have a lot going through my mind this morning, too much to form any coherent thoughts, and attempt to put them on "paper". What has mostly been on my mind is the adjustments I will have to make over the next few weeks. Some of you may have had to make similar adjustments or worse. But for me it is a new experience. It occured to me after the visit with the surgeon. My right forearm will have a large void in it where the tumor will be removed. They will then do skin grafts to help cover the void. It will not completely cover it and I will have a large ugly scar. Which is fine with me, something to brag about later! I will have bandages stiched to my arm, then some sort of soft cast or wrap, then a sling. I have to keep it completely imobile. The way my head works, and I am sure some of you are scared to find that out, is all I could think about was not being able to do the daily things. So think about this, start from the beginning of your day and think about every thing you do from getting out of bed to going back to bed at the end of the day. Some things should be fairly easy. But other things may not be becuase I am not very good with my left hand for anything, except eating which is obvious. So that I don't embarass my mother or mother-in-law or wife, I won't go into anymore detail. I will just say somethings could be interesting.

I have spoken a lot in the blog about how wonderful it is to have such a great support group. And how it seems like God provides me with what I need. I was in a weird place when I got up this morning. The house was quiet, and we have a lot to do today so my mind has been racing since I got up. So I thought I would do a little writing hoping that would help. But midway through my writing my phone rang. It was my uncle. What a God send. It was excatly what I needed. We had a GREAT conversation, and it helped calm my mind and spirit and bring me back a little closer to center. Thanks Lynn. Wow another phone call from Jan from the Dr.'s office. Thank you to you and Dr. Kendrick! More great people who are in our corner! Amazing how God works.

I know that all of you are, but please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It is going to be a long day for all of us. Pray for the doctors and nurses that they will have the best day in surgery they have ever had! We willl post again as soon as we find something out. I will continue to try and post as much as possible. It will be another one of those adjustments for me because it will be left handed pecking instead of typing. (And yes I can type, quite well thank you. Hey I had to get an A in at least one class in school!)

Thank you and we Love all of you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....

More than I can handle?

As we thought and talked about doing this blog, at first I thought it would just be the best way to keep everyone informed of the diagnosis, treatments, and progress. But the more I thought about it the more I realized this would be therapeutic for me to write about what I am feeling and thinking. (I know that may be a little scary!) As I sat down today I giggled a little because the thought came to me, I wonder if this is something like writing a sermon. See, for those of you who may not know I come from a long line of preachers. My grandfather, father, uncle, 2 cousins and my father-in-law, all preachers. I remember dad talking about working on sermons and writing sermons, and I thought wow you spend a lot of time for only 20 or 30 minute sermons. (Dad was always good to get us out of church on time, and home to watch football.) I guess the reason I thought about that is because that phone call that changed my life, has completely changed my perspective on life. Things that used to be important aren’t anymore. And the things that are important are acutely important. God, family, friends, and health. Period.

I have pondered those nagging questions we all deal with at some point in life. And I have also thought a lot about the things I was taught about God. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why me? How much more do I have to deal with? God won’t give us more than we can handle. Hmmmm, really? I had a conversation with my good friend Chad the other night. He is a cancer survivor. I watched him go through his journey and come out cancer free and a better man. During our conversation we talked about God not giving us more than we can handle. I had some what of an epiphany this week while pondering that question. If I had to deal with this on my own there is no way in this world I could get through it. Alone, there is no way. Now, I am not claiming to have the answer to this question, but for me the answer came in the overwhelming support I have from all my family and friends. Did God give me more than I can handle? I really don’t know, I don’t think God gave this to me in the first place. But what I can say is that everyday he has given me the tools and the means to handle it. And it comes in the form of you. God has given us each of you, with different talents, abilities, resources, gifts, perspectives, personalities, support and love, and that simply is what is getting us through. He continually provides for us, even in ways we don’t see until later down the road. It is really wonderful to watch something happen and be able to look back and see that God was orchestrating it the entire time. For example, today we were able to take the kids to the Oklahoma Air National Guard Base in Tulsa. Our incredible friends Jason and Tina, who work there, invited us to go to family day. Tyler, our oldest, is all about military. We were able to spend the day looking at F-16 fighter jets, all kinds of other planes, get face painted, Jupiter jump, eat pizza, pet snakes, (not me I hate snakes!) fish, rock climb, it was incredible. It was one of those acutely important things in life, watching the kids be kids and have fun. It was so great to spend that time with the kids, and take our minds off of what lies ahead, even if just for a little while. Thank you Jason and Tina!

So, does God give me more than I can handle? I really don’t know. But what I do know is he is daily giving me the things I need to handle it. Period.

Remember, everyday put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don’t forget to breath…..

The Beginning

So here it goes. I would never have thought that I would be doing something like this. I said for the longest time I would never get on facebook, now I am addicted to Mafia Wars! But amazing how things change. As you all now by now, on Thursday October 21, 2009 I received a phone call that will forever change my life, and the lives of the people close to me. I was told I have cancer. I had a tumor removed from my arm the previous week, and the Dr. called me on the phone and told me the news. You don't want to start a conversation with your Dr. by them saying, "I don't usually do this over the phone, but in you case time is of the essence". Then she told me that she had already contacted a surgeon and made an appointment for me because the rest of the tumor, under the skin, had to be removed. I really don't remember much of the conversation after that. The next thing I remember is lying on the floor in our bedroom, in the fetal position, crying like I haven't done in years. My only thought then was, I have to tell Rebecca. That would be my wonderful, beautiful, best wife in the world, for those of you who may not know her. And yes you can argue with me all you want, my wife is the best wife ever!

I then went to her work and told her the news, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. For those of you who don't know her father, Gary Phillips, was at the Mayo Clinic for 8 months fighting a very rare form of cancer. Praise God, today he is cancer free! So, hard on my wife is an under statement. She and I then went and did the next hardest thing I have ever done in my life which was to tell my parents. I will never forget that as long as I live. I have never been so sick in all of my life. The next hardest thing I have ever done was telling our kids. (my stepkids.) All within two days. I cannot begin to put into words how I felt or the things that were going through my mind those two days. I went from I cannot believe I am sick, to I don't want to die, to losing my arm, to going through chemo., to leaving a life I have now that is better than it has ever been before. Then came the wait. The appointment with the surgeon was a week away. The longest week of our lives. The waiting, the not knowing, the dangerous places your mind can go when there are no answers and no direction. The only way I got through it was my wife and kids, my parents, and the best friends a guy can have. I cannot say thank you enough to all of you who have called, texted, and sent messages. You are what got us through. Especially Chad, Josh, Jason, Michael, Shawn and Ron and Rae. You will never know how much you mean to us. And especially to my family, all of you, I couldn't do this without you.

So we finally met with the surgeon yesterday, October 2, 2009. The answers finally came, just not the ones we were hoping for. The doctor then began to tell us, me, Rebecca and my mom, that I have a Level 4 Melanoma. They grade them on the size and depth. The levels are 1-5 with one being the best and 5 the worst. He also told me that the size of mine is 11mm which is very large, and that it is ulcerated. All things you don't want to see in that kind of cancer. He also told us that the survival rate of this kind of cancer is not good because Melanoma is very unpredictable and aggressive. The fear at this point is that it has spread into my lymph nodes, or it has gotten into my bloodstream. (On a side note, I don't always hear things right, and definitely don't remember things well. Plus my head has been swimming. So if I give any incorrect information, I apologize and my wife will correct it at a later point. My disclaimer!) I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday October 6,2009. They are going to remove a large piece of my forearm where the tumor is. It will require skin grafts and my arm will be completely immobile for two to three weeks. They will also test my lymph nodes that day to see if the cancer has spread. If it is found in my lymph nodes, they will do another surgery to remove them. Then hopefully we will have a PET scan done to determine if it has gone into other parts of my body. At that point we will formulate a treatment plan, which will be us going to MD Anderson in Houston.

It is amazing how God works, even through tough times. This is the best time in my life for me to get to go through this. This list of good things is too long to list all of them. As we go along in this blog I will try to share them from time to time. One took place today. I have a good friend who I have lost touch with over the last several years. He is a Radiologist. We ran into each other a few months ago while I was working. We were able to exchange numbers and get in touch again. Today God put him on my heart and I called him. I told him what was going on and he began to give me direction on what to do and told me that he would review my tests and make sure we formulate a treatment plan. It is simply a God thing that I now have a Dr. in my corner who I know has my best interests at heart and will work with me as a friend!

When I woke up this morning I was ready to fight. And that is what I am going to do. FIGHT!

One of our friends told us the other day, Andy is too mean, he will mean the cancer right out of himself! And I will. Please keep my wife and family in your prayers, they may not have to endure the physical part of this, but they will endure everything else I go through. (And I am not a good patient, so they will really need your prayers!)

Remember every day, put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....