Three kids and me. Five grilled pork chops, one whole fryer chicken grilled, one container of rice and one bag of salad. Dinner time. After dinner, zero pork chops, one half of fryer chicken, one half container of rice and an empty bag of salad. $25.00. Friday payday, priceless, at least for a few days! Man they just never stop eating! Anybody got a mini-van they want to donate? Why you ask? Ever seen the movie Mr. Mom? I am the epitome of Mr. Mom, but now days they are called soccer moms, thus the need for the mini van! And all still one handed. The only thing I am not very good at one handed is folding clothes, but come to think of it I am not good at that two handed.



Well I know it has been a while since I have written. Playing soccer mom has kept me busy! There also hasn't been any news to write about, at least until this week. I have had four doctor's appointments this week. The first was my primary care, the theme of which was my weight and blood pressure. And then he talked some about my blood pressure then my weight. Then we talked some about my weight and my blood pressure. You get the drift. Then off to the Oncologist. I was hoping to find someone with wings, a wand and some pixey dust to sprinkle on us to give us that magical answer we've been looking for. Wait for it......NOPE, just a human like the rest of us. (I must say she was great. Rebecca and I both really liked her a lot.) We talked to her for quite a while. She repeated basically everything we have learned already. No magic dust. She told us that the interferon has a history of very tough side effects, both physical and mental, and that she has never had a patient complete the full round of treatments. At one point she summed up how I feel right now. Keep in mind I will paraphrase, but basically what she said was it's gotta be tough deciding whether to do the treatments and possibly be sick for a year, with not much hope for a good result, or choose not to and just wait for the other shoe to fall. That's how we feel everyday. As I have stated before the best the interferon can promise is maybe a 10% reduction in the recurrence rate and maybe push back the recurrence time by a year. It does nothing to improve the survivability rate. So again with the dilemma. We have not made a decision yet. For me it will be a quality of life issue. The real struggle for both of us is if we choose not to are we going to feel like we are doing everything we can. Or will we feel guilty that we aren't. I have searched for answers in life before and never felt like I got them, not until the decision was made and I was able to look back and see if my decision was the right one. This is one of those that scares me to think time will be the answer. But then again I could be hit by a bus before then! I said in an earlier blog how my wise mother told me welcome to your new life. Well to give you a glimpse I went to the dermatologist's office this morning. One of the things I will have to do is go to the dermatologist every three months, along with the Oncologist. I had my first full body scan this morning. The doctor found a small lump under the skin on my right shoulder, with a mole on the top of the skin next to it. She then numbed my shoulder, cut the tumor out, then stitched the incision. Then told me she was not too concerned but it needed to be sent to the lab to be tested. Great, more waiting to hear test results. But that is what my life will be from now on. Oh and I almost forgot. I went to the surgeon's yesterday for a follow up. The skin graft is looking good. I don't have to wear my sling anymore but I do have to keep it wrapped. I still cannot use my hand and will not be fully released to work for at least three more weeks. So here we are. I have never felt so at a loss. I am afraid to do the treatments. But I am afraid not to. I am scared to let my family down. I am scared to put my family through me being sick and depressed for a year. I am scared of losing my job or my income. Or do we wait. I just don't know.



What I do know is this, each time we face a new obstacle, my resolve to become a better person is challenged. As I have said all along, my perspective on life and what is important is changing. One of those areas is work. I love being a cop. I hope to have a long and enjoyable career. But what I have realized is pre-cancer being a cop was who I was, not what I did. It should be what I do, not who I am. I also can look back and realize that I would too quickly get caught up in the gossip and the small petty things that just don't matter. I would allow what others would do or say to affect me to the point of losing sleep. I made it more important than I should have. Don't get me wrong, some of it you can't help but bring home. Ours is a tough job. The things we see, hear and have to deal with. You have to be a special person to do what we do and keep your sanity. The world is not a pretty place. But if I can change my perspective on work, and keep it in it's place, I will actually be a better cop. Keeping my focus on why I became a cop, to make a difference.

I have been asking myself a question a lot lately, if it all ends tomorrow, did I leave this place better than I found it? Have I done and been the best I could? Right now, today, no I haven't. So my new goal is each day when I lay down to sleep, can I do so with a clear conscience that I did the best I could and somehow made a difference, even if only a small one. Tough challenge for me.

Keep us in your prayers. Hopefully we will find out next week if the new tumor is cancerous. Again with the waiting! I also found out this week I only have ten hours of sick time left, but have to be out for three more weeks. Because of my generous boss, or the "the boss" as I like to call her, and some light duty, I think we have it covered. But if anything should change in the near future, life could get even more interesting. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....