Round 4

Greetings from the Wileman house. I hope this blog finds each of you well, warm, and done with your Christmas shopping. I know not all of you can be finished though because not all of you have asked me what I want! Just kidding. I still have a few things left to get myself, but I just cannot stand going into stores this time of year. I actually went with Rebecca the other day and was quite proud of myself. I think I really surprised her when I suggested that we finish whatever shopping she had left. I won't do that again I promise!

Well Round 4 is officially in the books. As I stated before we were able to do it here in Tulsa which was great. I went Monday through Thursday for about three hours each day. Then on Friday I had to go in for a shot that is designed to make new cells. It was a difficult week for me. I am finding that each round is a little harder than the last. I still don't have any nausea to speak of, and my appetite remains good, but I had other issues. Basically my blood pressure stayed too high through most of the week, I am having some sleeplessness and joint and body pain. I also am having a disconnected feeling. It's kind of strange and hard to explain but I will just stare off into space, have a hard time getting things to go from my brain to my mouth, and just cannot seem to process things in my head. I am also struggling a little with the whole process. I told Rebecca the other day one of the frustrating things for me is there is no end in sight for all of this. No one can say on this day and time that this will be over and you can get back to living. And I understand that no one can, it just doesn't make it any easier for me. But we plug on. We will go to Houston on December 29th and 30th for the next round of testing. We will then see what the tumors are doing, what the doctor's say and go from there.

I have also been reminded that no matter what, life doesn't stop. I noticed the other day that the back bumper on my car had been hit and no one told us! (Bumper is totaled.) And two of the kids are sick. High fever's, coughing and just miserable. I am doing my best to keep from catching it but I don't have much hope. But we keep on putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best we can. We have so much to be thankful for this season. It could always be worse!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Upate

Well this one will be short. No ranting or raving about things of the world. No going on and on about the things floating around him my head. I won't wax poetic about high gas prices, the government, health care, the leak we had last week that drove my water bill up three times the normal bill, the fact that there is nothing on TV when you sit around the house most of the day, bad drivers, cold weather, eating out, the holidays, traffic, and........oops sorry bout that. I digress once again.

The good news is we found a very good doctor here that is willing to follow the treatment plan given by MD Anderson. We met with him this week and were very comfortable with him, his staff and his office. So long story short, I will start the next round on Monday in Tulsa. We are very grateful. We will still have to go to Houston December the 27th through the 29th for more testing. They will do a full battery of tests to check the progress of the treatments and then we will go from there. MD Anderson and our doctor there will still be the main doctor and hospital no matter what. But we are going to take advantage of doing as much as we can here. Over all I feel good. I still have no major side effects. The energy level is still not normal but that is to be expected. And we are still grateful for the lack of side effects.

Not much else is new. We are getting ready for Christmas like everyone else. Rebecca has gone back to work and is dealing with a crazy schedule. The kidos are good and definitely ready for Christmas. And one thing is sure, we are enjoying being home! Thank you again for all of the thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, and cards. We can't do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................................

I never would have thought.............

Wow, I just looked down at my watch and realized it is already December! Where does the time go? And yes, as I get older time seems to go even faster. I can honestly say one thing for sure, when this year began I never, not in a million years, would have been able to guess how this year would end. Never saw it coming, not quite like it has. All I can say is this year has been many things. One of them is the "I never would have thought" year. Let me explain.

"I never would have thought that I would actually work less days this year than I have worked, and still have my job!" Okay, that is one example. I wanted to give you a little taste to help you understand my thinking. I sometimes use the term "cancer fallout". It is actually interchangeable with the term "I never would have thought" when I use it. Now that we are hopefully on the same page I shall begin. I will start with some of the more obvious:

1. I never would have thought that I would end the year as a stage four cancer patient. It's not something you add to your New Year's resolutions or a to-do list.

2. I never would have thought that I would sit on the couch so much that the cushion's would take on and hold the shape of my backside. They did. Enough said.

3. I never would have thought that I would be able to tell you all the good places to stop between here and Houston, TX. Just ask me, I really do know a great beef jerky place.

4. I never would have thought that I would spend so much time in Texas. I am sorry to all my Texan friends but I still feel a little dirty when I get home from there. I have to ask Bob Stoops to forgive me.

5. I never would have thought that I would actually be able to give a guy in Houston directions on how to get somewhere in Houston. It really happened at a stop light, and he lives there!

6. I never would have thought that I would get used to being stuck in the back of the hand with needles. Wait, never mind, still not used to it.

7. I never would have thought that I would spend so much time in doctor's offices and hospital's. It's payback for all those years I refused to go to the doctor. I call it a conspiracy.

8. I never would have thought that I would be on a first name basis with someone at the health insurance company. I am still deciding if I should buy her a Christmas present. Nope never mind.

9. I never would have thought that I would get caught with chewing tobacco in my mouth, in the hospital room at the MD Anderson Cancer Hospital, by the doctor, with my mother in the room. True story! hehehehehehe.....................

10. I never would have thought that I would see so many people, especially in Owasso, Collinsville, and Law Enforcement, do so much for us to allow us to fight this fight with all we have. But you did.

11. I never would have thought that this journey would bring me even closer to people in my life who I care so much about and who care so much about me. But thank God it did.

12. I never would have thought that this journey would actually push some people further away from me. Sad, but very true. (My commitment to honesty.)

I could go on and on. So much has truly happened that I haven't expected. Some good and some not good. It's part of life. But I think what has been most surprising to me is all of the good that has happened in my life in spite of such a bad situation. Some of it is truly funny, and that has been one of the great "cancer fallouts". I have said from the beginning I had two choices that day the doctor told us the news. I could give up and die, or I could fight and make the most of each day. I chose, and still choose the latter. And humor is a huge part of getting better. I love to laugh at situations, and love even more to laugh at myself. I can do some pretty funny stuff and trust me I don't mean to most of the time. And there has been some rough times as well. There really are people in my life who have gone the other direction for some reason. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's making them deal with their own realities, I really don't know. But it breaks my heart. There have been some day's that just aren't good for me. Some day's I have focused on the wrong things, or allowed the negative to control my thinking. I am not perfect. But what I can say is this, one of the strangest "fallouts" for me has been, in some ways this has been one of the best things to happen to me. It has changed my perspective on life in so many ways it would take me forever to write about all of them. Hopefully it is, and will make me a better human being. Hopefully, no matter how much time I have left, I will leave this world a better place than I found it. (I am not saying this is going to get me. Let's face it, we don't know how much time we have on this earth. If the Tulsa Transit ever start's running a bus route, in my neighborhood, in Owasso, and a bus comes by at the exact moment that I step into the street, and it is exceeding the speed limit of 25 mph, and it doesn't brake or swerve to miss me, I could be hit and killed by a bus!) It's possible. It' all up to me and the choices I make. Aw, I think I will save that for another day.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Strange

I am experiencing something new tonight. It is 11:30 and I cannot sleep. Sleep is usually not a problem for me when I am well, and it definitely hasn't been a problem since I started my treatments. But for whatever reason I finally gave up and got out of bed. So I figured it may be a good time to do a little writing.

I find myself in a weird place the last few days. I am not sure quite how to express how I feel except to say I feel somewhat lost. I think part of the problem is I don't feel sick. My family and I are still amazed that I am not having any major side effects from the treatments. Nor do I have any physical problems from the cancer. I have to remind myself sometimes that I am a stage four cancer patient! I guess the biggest issue is that I have very little to do right now since I am not working. I used to think it would be great to be in a position to not have to work. Well I was wrong. And what makes it harder is the fact that I feel fine most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about feeling good, I am very grateful for that. But it makes the down time harder. Another problem is because of the pick line in my left arm, and the lympedema in my right arm, I am restricted to lifting less than ten pounds. I also have to be very careful not to cut or hurt my right arm. That can lead to an infection which would be bad for me. I guess the bottom line is the boredom is getting old. In the big picture of things we are so very grateful that things are good and boredom isn't going to kill me. It's just another one of those things that I call "cancer fallout" that I didn't expect. It's actually kind of funny now that I have talked about it. Oh well maybe it's time to start reading more cause I can tell you there is nothing on TV most of the time!

We got a piece of news today that was a great relief. I haven't blogged about it because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it at the time. Brianna, our nine year old daughter, has a birth mark that had two moles in it that were changing. We took her to my dermatologist before we left for Houston to have it looked at. While we were in Houston her grandmother took her back to the doctor to have them removed and sent off for testing. Of course, under the circumstances, you can imagine our fears while waiting for the test results. They were negative, praise God. I have blogged before about my belief's about God not giving us more than we can handle. I can honestly say I don't know what we would have done, especially Rebecca, if things had turned out different. Thank God we didn't have to "handle" that!

I start my search tomorrow for a doctor here at home who will simply follow what the doctor at MD Anderson prescribes for my treatments. We really would like to stay at home for the next round and any that may follow. We should have an answer by the end of the week. Keep us in your prayers that we will find the right doctor. We will keep everyone updated.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................................

Home

Well it is Saturday the 27th of November and I am on my favorite spot. The couch! If I haven't said this enough, it is good to be home! Rebecca and the kids got the Christmas stuff out yesterday and got the house decorated. So I am looking at a beautiful tree, with a fire in the fireplace and the stockings hung on the mantel. Okay, I will stop, I am sounding like a Christmas carol. But it is beautiful and starting to feel like Christmas.

It was great to be home for Thanksgiving. The kids were excited to see us and we were excited to see them. The tradition in our young family has quickly become we spend Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with mine. She has a much, much, larger family than mine and for them Thanksgiving is the holiday everyone comes together if possible. It was great for Rebecca I know. If you don't know, her parents and one set of grandparents, are missionaries in the Philippines. As most of you know her mother flew back to Tulsa when we found out we were going to spend so much time in Houston. While we are gone she stay's at the house and takes care of the kids. Her father and sister were able to come home as well last week. So on Thanksgiving there were around thirty people in here uncle's house for the day. It was a great day for everyone I know. I am just not used to that many people in one house! I wasn't having the greatest of day's physically and one of the fallouts from the treatments is I seem to not be able to handle a lot of noise and people. I managed to stay for a few hours before going home and sleeping.

I share that to say this. I want to say a huge thank you to her parents, Gary and Jeannie, and my parents, Larry and Judy. All of whom have made huge sacrifices to do whatever has been necessary to help my family during this journey. It was not an easy or cheap task for Jeannie to drop everything she was doing in the Philippines and fly home for such a long period to help. It wasn't easy I am sure, for Gary and Rebecca's sister Sandra, to let their wife and mother go for such a long time. And it couldn't have been a bigger help to us to have her here with the kids. It allowed them to stay in their own house and keep as much of a normal routine as possible.

My parents have made two trips to Houston with us, which was the plan from the beginning, to help Rebecca and I while there. They have spent a lot of money on travel and lodging and food, not to mention a sacrifice of their time and routine to do whatever has been needed. They have sat with me in the hospital and during treatments, done our laundry, and been with us every step of the way. They have put their lives on hold for us.

During this Thanksgiving season, and trying to focus on what I am grateful for, I have thought a lot about the sacrifices that both families, and especially our parents, have made for us. I understand it more now that I am a parent. As a parent and someone who is now responsible for and to others, I realize what a sacrifice it has been for all of them. It has also been a tremendous reminder for me of how important family is. All families, I think, have times we may not agree with one another, may even get mad at each other, but no matter what when it comes down to it, we stand together and support each other without question or fail. And family and friends truly are what matters in life. Period.

Mom and Dad, Gary and Jeannie, we will never be able to repay you for all that you have done and continue to do for us. And there are no words sufficient to tell you how grateful we are for each of you. But, thank you very much! We simply would not be able to do what we are doing without each of you and the sacrifices you all have made.

We love you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........................................

My Wife

I am sitting, once again, in the hotel in Houston. It is a beautiful morning here. It is cool at night, just perfect enough to open the windows and enjoy the cool air. As much as I am enjoying the weather, I am ready to get back to Oklahoma and I don't care what the weather is like there! There is simply no place like home.

The title of this one is my wife. I have been on Facebook the last few minutes chatting with some friends. Both of them, as they always do, asked about Rebecca. As I sit in the quiet in the other room, it got me to thinking. What an incredible woman she is. I realized that some times it is so easy for me to get caught up in my own physical pain, the cancer, and all that comes with it, I forget what she must be going through. She gets as close to cancer as a person can without having it themselves. I have been reflecting back on all that she has done, and the emotions that she must be feeling as we go through this journey. I realized on such an acute level, what an incredibly strong woman she is. She keeps this family running. She makes sure that the kids have what they need, making sure they are in basketball, at practice, have rides home from school, keeps the house clean when we are home, grocery shops, cooks and works as much as she can while at home. With me, she keeps my schedule of blood work and doctor's appointments straight and keeps my medicine filled and makes sure I take them when I am supposed to. She has to flush my pick line everyday and has to change the bandage on it once a week. Just changing the bandage takes about twenty minutes and isn't an easy task. She and my mom had to take two classes at MD Anderson just to learn how to change the bandage! And when they did they had to demonstrate on me that they knew how to change it properly before they would let us leave the hospital. Whenever I take a shower she has to wrap and tape it with cling wrap to keep it from getting wet. Whenever we meet with the doctor's she is the one who takes notes, asks the important questions and then helps me understand what was discussed. She leaves the kids for an entire week each time we have to go to Houston. Never easy for her or them. She is my public information officer, nurse, family CEO, mother, partner and best friend.

But what I have been thinking about more this morning is what she must be going through emotionally. What a strain all this must be on her. But more than that, I tried to mentally switch roles and put myself in her place. I couldn't do it. As a spouse, the worst thing you can hear is that your partner has a disease that could take their life. Especially for two people who are so young and at the beginning of their marriage. (Yes, I said young. 39 is not that old!) I know that her fear is as much as mine has been through this journey. One of my biggest struggles from the beginning has been, this isn't fair to her or the kids. But life isn't fair. But she keeps going, putting one foot in front of the other, and not one time has she complained. Not once has she whined, griped, asked why, or complained about what she is going through. She simply does whatever needs to be done and does it with an attitude that makes me jealous! She is our rock, steady and strong and level headed when the rest of us aren't. She laugh's and jokes with me when I am down, lovingly get's on to me when I need it, calms my fears when I am scared, and gives me strength everyday. She know's me better than I know myself. She has stood beside me, without question, everyday. She is an incredible woman, wife, and mother who deserves all the credit.

Thank you Rebecca for being with me and teaching me what unconditional love is really all about. I love you!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath...............

Before and After

Good morning from Houston. I am sitting in the hotel this morning as I write. I thought it might be interesting to do a before and after all in the same blog. We'll see how it works.

We had a full round of test's done yesterday. I had a CT Scan, MRI brain scan, X-Ray's and blood work. We meet with the doctor at 11:30 today to find out the results. As I stated in a previous blog, the doctor told us last round that they want to see a 25% reduction in the tumor sizes to continue on with the current treatments. If there isn't that reduction, the doctor stated he would stop this treatment program and look for a different one to try. Obviously the hope is that this treatment is working and we will be able to continue with it. (If it is working we will check into the hospital tonight and begin round 3.) I wish I could say that I am 100% confident that all will go well today and we will be in the hospital tonight, but I cannot. I am praying that it is working, but I cannot help but worry about it. Obviously we had a lot of hope going into this treatment that it would rid my body of cancer. And I know we will be disappointed if it is not working. The other fear is each time something doesn't work, there are fewer options left. I think I do a pretty good job being positive most days, but as we draw closer to the appointment today, the more apprehensive I become. So we are saying a lot of prayers, and hoping for the best. And when I return to finish this blog we will have our answers.

The after. Well the news wasn't the worst in the world, but wasn't the best either. Actually let me clarify, it wasn't what we were hoping for. It was still good in some way's though. It was a roller coaster ride from them time we walked in the office. We alway's meet with a Physician's Assistant before we meet with the doctor. When the assistant came in she gave us copies of the reports from the tests. They were not so good. Then when the doctor came in he told us to ignore the test results because they were wrong. The bottom line is that the smaller tumors have shrunk. The larger ones have shrunk as well. But none of the shrinkage is significant enough to continue with the current treatments. That is still good news. The better news is there are no new tumors, my brain scan was exactly the same as it was before, with no new growth and the one spot they won't even call cancer hasn't grown any either. The treatment's. With the last treatment's there were five different drugs. Three types of chemotherapy, Interluken 2 and Interferon. We originally thought the doctor would suggest an entire new treatment program. Either some sort of clinical trial or some new drug. What he suggested was continuing with the three types of chemo., eliminating the Interluken and Interferon. In his experience and along with numbers from clinical trials, chemotherapy shows better results. In the clinical trials the Interluken and Interferon showed around a 15% success rate. The chemo. showed a 40% success rate. Combining them showed a 50% success rate. Obviously it is different with each person, and it is not as effective with me as they had hoped. The other problem is the Interluken and Interferon are both very toxic drugs and hard on the body. He believe's the success we have seen so far is due to the chemo. So the plan is that we will continue the chemo. We will start the next round here on Saturday. Each treatment is 4 days in the outpatient clinic. (No more nights in the hospital!) The doctor said it could consist of up to 6 treatments, with another round of test's to follow round 2. We will reassess at that point. I will also most likely have to have surgery to remove the larger tumors in the lungs and under my right arm. The best news of all is that we will be able to do the treatments at home, with a few trips back to Houston for follow-up's. We are going to do the first round here simply because we are already here. But we should be home in time for Thanksgiving! So it isn't all bad. Obviously we were hoping for your cured, go home. Oh well, it could always be worse. And we are grateful that it isn't. Thank you for all of your prayers, thoughts and messages today.

Well that is the latest. We will spend tomorrow being lazy and then get started on Saturday. We are both very tired. The last several days have been emotionally taxing, and now that we have some answers we are crashing. We will continue to keep everyone updated as we go.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Soap Box

Okay, I am going to do something I try not to do when I write. I am going to get on a new soap box. This blog isn't intended to be a place where I preach or judge. But it's also about me being honest about where I am at in life and the lessons I am learning as we go through this journey. We had something happen this week that opened my eye's to something I have been guilty about too many times in the past. But this instance made me realize how much I can hurt someone else. As I write this, I am writing to me more than anyone else.

Have you ever played the game, especially when young, where a large group of people sit in a circle and someone whispers some statement in the first persons ear, then they are to whisper to the person to their right the same statement? The point of the game is each person is supposed to tell the secret to the next person, then the last person in the circle say's the statement out loud. The gist of it is that the last person never get's the statement correct. It's actually amazing how much the secret changes by the time it get's to the last person. The point of the game is to talk about rumors. What happened this week was a rumor. Wednesday morning I got a phone call from our best friend. They were very upset because they had heard that while in the hospital on Monday night for my fever, that I had a brain scan done and they found more cancer and gave me six months to live. And when I say upset I mean upset. I finally convinced them that there was nothing further from the truth. But as I hung up the phone I found myself upset they they were upset, and angry that someone would start that kind of rumor. (For those of you who don't know me very well, I am very protective of the people close to me.) I later spoke with a few other people who had heard the same thing. I had to stop myself from not trying to find out who started the rumor!

As I calmed down I began to think about rumors. I realized for the first time in a long time that rumors, whether started intentionally or not, and I don't think this one was, can be devastating to people. And believe me when I tell you cops are the worst. But it got me to asking questions. Why is it that our culture feeds so much on rumors? Why can't we learn to just keep our mouths shut when it doesn't concern us? Is it that we need to feel better about ourselves to see or hear others in pain or trouble? Is it a center of attention issue, where we want others to listen to us? I am not a shrink and I don't have the answers. All I can do is answer for myself. I know in the past when I have perpetuated a rumor, it was because I wanted to look others to look at me as someone in the "know". I wanted to appear smart and wise with my dissertations that usually came after sharing the rumor. I would cover the rumor with those dissertations to make others think I was doing it because I cared about the person who I was talking about and knew what was best for them. (Even though they weren't there to hear it!) I did find pleasure in others pain or trouble. I did enjoy the "juicy" rumors about others. I am guilty of all of it.

What this is teaching me is this, mind my own business. I have a friend who used to say, "if it is past the end of your nose, it is none of your business". He is right. It is helping me to see that what I say, whether true or not, can be detrimental to someone else. Rumors, true or not, can damage someone's life forever. I think it is why the scriptures talk about the power of the tounge and the necessity to keep control of it. I need to simply focus on my life and responsibilities. It is also helping me to look inward and find out what it is in me that feels the need to talk about others. I need to work on my own insecurities and character flaws. I need to be more compassionate about others in general whether I like them or not. I need to learn to be less selfish every day. I really need to learn to think before I speak. I need not focus on anything past the end of my nose, period.

No the rumor is not true. I had no scans and nothing new was found in my brain. We leave tomorrow to head back to Houston. I have a full battery of test's scheduled for Wednesday and we will know more on Thursday when we meet with the doctor. And please, if you hear any rumors about my condition, call us and find out if it's true. I don't want what happened to our friend to happen to anyone else.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........................

Behind

Well let me say sorry for not writing sooner. We have had a few health issues since returning home and I simply have had days where I haven't felt like doing much. It's good as always to be home! It's getting harder each time to get motivated to make the trip south. I just don't like being away from home! I am truly a home body.

The last round of treatments went well once again. I did have two days of my first real bout of nausea on the last day. I am really grateful I haven't had to deal with that any more than I have. It is not fun. The side effects were about the same otherwise. On the day that I was released they gave me a shot that is to help encourage white cell growth and to help boost my immune system. When we got to the hotel room that evening my fever spiked to 102. After speaking with the doctor they felt it was probably caused from the shot. We stayed in the room that evening and stayed the next day. My fever broke and by Friday I was feeling good enough to drive home. I felt good on Saturday and Sunday. Monday I started feeling bad and my fever spike to 101.5. We then went to the emergency room, as instructed, and once we got there my fever was almost 103. They took blood, did a chest x-ray, and started me on antibiotics. Of course my fever had broke before they started any medication! They still sent me to Tulsa to the hospital to keep me overnight for observation. After a night of observation and medication they could find nothing wrong. All of my blood work was fine and my fever never spiked again. I am having problems with my right foot and ankle. It is an old injury but in essence I have torn ligaments and bone fragments in my right ankle. I was scheduled to have surgery on it in October of last year but obviously once the cancer was found last year it took precedence over the ankle. The doctors in Houston say that one of the treatments I am receiving can cause joint and bone issues, especially in areas where there were previous problems. The bottom line is now my right foot and ankle are swollen to the point I cannot bend my toes or walk on my foot and hurt all the time. More fun, let me tell you! Other than that, I feel fine now. I am not dealing with any other side effects and am grateful as always for that.

Not much else is new on the medical front. We will leave next Tuesday for Houston. I am scheduled to have tests done on Wednesday and Thursday. We are very apprehensive at this point. As I stated in my previous blog, if the test's show no change in the tumors the doctor stated he will stop this treatment and we will have to look at other options. Obviously we are worried because it would mean that we are running out of options. Keeping with the theme of honesty, it is hard on us right now to even think that way. We may have some big decisions to make next week, so for now we are trying to focus on just being at home and enjoying time with our family and friends. It's not how I wanted to spend my thanksgiving but it also helps remind me that I still have so much to be thankful for! Keep us in your prayers next week. As soon as we know more we will let everyone know.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

The latest from Houston

Well I am writing this in the hospital room in Houston. I just finished the first round of five and so far all seems well. I did have what they call rigors. They are actually chills from the drug interferon. They make you shake uncontrollably, so hard it makes the bed shake. And once it reaches that point for me they have to give me Demerol. It is the only thing that will stop it. It is a long twenty or thirty minutes. The itching and rash has started as well but it is not too bad, yet. Rebecca and I are doing our best to just have fun, even in the hospital. The nurse was asking a list of questions yesterday and one of them was are you easily distracted? I started staring at one of the monitors. She asked me again, sir, are you easily distracted? I said, sorry that monitor distracted me. She found it very funny. She is one who actually has a sense of humor. We joke with all of the staff and some are more receptive than others. I see it as another challenge, to get all of the to laugh be the end of the week!

On the medical front, I had a chest x-ray yesterday before we met with the doctor. When we met with him the news wasn't what we were hoping for. The good news is there are no new tumors, and the current tumors haven't grown any. The frustrating news was they haven't shrunk any either. The doctor said with this rigorous treatment, they usually see results after the first round. After some discussion he said, and we agreed, that we would go ahead with round two. At the end of the week we will hopefully be able to come home for two weeks like we did last time. Then we will come back to Houston and have a full round of test's done to check the progress. If at that point the tumors haven't shrunk by at least 25%, the doctor will stop these treatments and we will look at other options. PRAY FOR SHRINKAGE!

Pray for my wife and her family as well. Late last her her grandfather, her mother's dad, was rushed to the hospital with a possible stroke. After keeping him over night and testing, they have ruled out a stroke. He is okay now but they don't know what is going on. Pray for my wife this week as well. This is tough on her and she never complains, ever. It's not easy to spend a week in a hospital room when you are not the patient. And don't be afraid to call or text us. If we don't answer it just means we are busy or asleep. And don't worry if you don't know what to say, we don't either. We can talk about the weather, or how bad our Dallas Cowboys are this year!

Well that is all I have for right now. Time to lay back down and rest. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............................

Don't take it for granted......

Well, from what little I was able to be outside today, it was very nice. The trees around here are starting their changes and are beautiful. I am looking forward in some ways to the drive to Houston tomorrow. I actually enjoy long drives in the car and seeing different parts of the country especially in the fall. But I know too that I will be glad when we do get there and are able to get out of the car.

Don't you just love this day and age of modern technology? Facebook, Twitter, instant chat, comment sections, blogs and on and on. Yes there is some sarcasm behind that statement, but there is also a lot of truth to it for me as well. I have to admit, I do the Facebook thing. Mainly to stay in touch with people who I may not otherwise. And obviously I blog. But I cannot help but giggle a little when I read the things that get posted, especially on Facebook. You can count of the minister's, if you have any as your friends, to post religious postings. You can count on restaurants to post weekly specials. You can be sure some of your friends will always post things they hate about work. Of course, and rightfully so, you can count on proud parents to post pictures of their children. But the thought occurred to me the other day, maybe if we pay attention we can learn about each other by the things we post. It caused to me to stop and think for a minute about the things I post. I don't post a lot, but I do from time to time and I wondered what my posts say about me? I know that we all see posts from people who are constantly negative, some with the world is against me attitude. (I have to admit when I read those right now I want to get on there and offer to trade them places!) Are mine that way? Some are always funny. Are mine? Some of them are constantly those games that every time you level up, or farm your neighbor, or water some animal, or walk some plant they have to post it. I won't even go there. So I went back and looked at mine and yes, it says a lot about me and where I am at right now. They are all cancer related.

Then the light bulb came on and I thought you dummie, you have a blog. What does that say about you? I guess what is really driving this blog is when you are in the position I am in it changes your perspective on life. As I stated in the previous blog, my life will never be the same again. Almost every thing we do right now is cancer related or focused. And hearing the things we heard from the doctor in the beginning of the ordeal makes you stop and look at life and what is really important. I have had my priorities rearranged whether I wanted them to or not. I guess what I really want to say is this, take nothing for granted anymore. I have learned the hard way that there are just somethings in life that aren't as important as we thought they were. My work as a Police Officer in Collinsville goes on without me. Just like it did before I worked there and will do long after I am gone. The Fraternal Order of Police will do the same. It functions just fine without me. Not that I don't contribute to those places when I am well, but I am replaceable. Those places and things don't make me who I am. They are what I do. What makes me who I am is my family and friends, my core beliefs, the way I was raised and my choices in life. But mostly the people. I told my mother yesterday that you know you have friends but since this has happened we have watched people, literally all over the world, start to pray for us, email us, call us, text us, donate their money and time and support us unconditionally and it is amazing. And that's what life is all about. Family and friends. And I am reminded everyday that life is precious. Period. Take nothing for granted anymore. Learn to enjoy life everyday no matter what happens. You just don't know. I have to tell you a story then I will get off my soap box. As I got about halfway through this blog my phone rang. It was the seven year old daughter of our best friends Ron and Rae Sutton. She called to see how I was doing. She told her mother she wanted me to know that she loves . She did it on her own! That's what life is all about. (And yes I cried a little.) Give someone a hug today you normally wouldn't. Call that person you have been meaning to but haven't. Tell your family you love them. And thank God for the blessings in your life.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........................

Well I want to apologize for not writing sooner. I would like to say that I have been so busy I haven't had time to write, but that is just not true. We have been been busy the last two days, but I have had plenty of time to write. Rebecca however has been busy. She is amazing. Since we have been home she has gone to work as much as she can and taken care of me. Her mother came in this week to help with the kids over the next several months. She has already been a huge help. Today we have nothing on the schedule and hopefully we will be able to rest and refuel.

On the medical front all is well for the most part. I still am having minimal side effects. The only one that has been an issue since being home has been a rash and itching caused by one of the drugs. It was rough the first few days but has improved greatly over the last several days and I am grateful. I have to continue to have blood work done, even while at home. I go to a lab here in Owasso where they draw the blood, test it, then send the results to the doctor's at MD Anderson. I have done two so far and all my numbers have been fine. I am not sure what is going on right now but the last two days my knees and feet have hurt to the point of almost being immobile. We don't know if it is related to the cancer drugs or if it is something else but it has been rough. There is also the typical energy issue. I just run out of gas pretty quick but that is to be expected. I am sleeping well and have found my long lost appetite. As of Monday I had lost around 30 pounds but since then I have put some of it back on with the help of Rebecca's great cooking, doughnuts and cookies and cream ice cream! It's kind of nice to not have to worry about putting weight on. I look at it like a bear feeding in preparation for hibernation. I know that the week I am back in the hospital I won't feel like eating so I am eating now in preparation for my hibernation!

The last two days have been incredible. Friday was the Fraternal Order of Police golf tournament fundraiser, and Saturday was the all day fundraiser at the Silver Dollar Restaurant in Collinsville. Yesterday there was an all you can eat breakfast, Poker Run, raffle, and auction. I was able to go to the breakfast then the auction. It was utterly amazing to see. My family and I cannot say thank you enough to the people who worked so hard to put on both fundraisers. We also cannot say thank you enough to the sponsors who donated money and items to both of the fundraisers and to all who participated. It was truly amazing. We simply could not do this without all of you and your support. Thank you!

Well, will we leave on Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I have to be back at the hospital on Friday at 2:00 pm. (Funny, that actually give you a piece of paper that are called "orders" with the date and time of return!) I have to be honest, right now I am not looking forward to it. I laughed when I just typed that. How could anyone ever look forward to cancer treatments! But honestly I have mixed emotions. I know I have to do this. I know it will save my life. But some days to think about it is overwhelming. I have the typical fears like, will I do as well this time as I did the last? Will the side effects be worse? Are the treatments working? Has the cancer spread more? I know these are typical emotions, but if I dwell too long on them they can be overwhelming. I try to simply focus on today and the gifts I have been given. As my dad said from the beginning of this latest journey, my life will never be the same again. He was right. The trick for me now is how to make the adjustments to accept this as my life now, and how to be and do the best I can, enjoy life as much as possible, and walk through this journey with dignity and honor. One thing is sure, each day is a totally new experience.

That is all for now. I will write more over the next couple of days. I have a lot rolling around in my head that I won't bore you with. I will save it for another day. Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. We cannot do this without each of you!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....................

No Title

I tried to think of a clever title for this post but so far nothing has come to me. I am writing this in the hotel across from the hospital. Earlier in the week I kept call the hospital room, the hotel room and vice versa. The hotel room is much better, the one I am in now. The only thing better will be when I see the front of our house!

In staying true to my theme of honesty here I have to tell you, yesterday was a very odd day for me. The end of round one. During the week I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital. I was tired of having someone in and out of the room every two hours either poking me, testing me, weighing me, changing my chemo, and on and on. I got very tired of sleeping on the small bed, and not being able to turn over and sleep on my side. Let's face it, after seven days, all of it was getting old. One of the things that Rebecca had to do was learn about taking care of me while at home. I had no idea what would be involved. Obviously my immune system is shot, and will be for some time. So I will have to be very careful when I am out of the hospital. Something like a simple infection could kill me. I cannot shave with a razor anymore, I cannot let my skin dry out, cannot get dehydrated, cannot get a fever, cannot be around large groups of people for very long, and on and on. I guess it was another fall out of all of this I did not expect. When we left the hospital and got to the hotel room I found myself not wanting to leave the room. I found myself wanting, in some ways, to go back to the hospital. As bad as I wanted to get out of there, when I did I realized I had left a comfort zone. But today is better. It's another part of the journey that I will have to be careful when not in the hospital to take care of myself, but find that balance of not going to extremes either way.

I have to say that we are very grateful that things have gone well so far. My body has done well and the side effects, while not fun, have been minimal. I don't feel great, but I don't feel horrible. Rebecca and I went outside today and sat in the sunlight which felt great. For me it was the first time in seven days I have been outside. As I sat on the bench and soaked up the sun and fresh air it occurred to me that this was only round one and there are many more to come. As I started to contemplate how many more rounds of this I will have to endure, I was reminded that all I can do is take this mess one day at a time. If I focus on anything else I won't make it. My little saying that I post at the end of each blog has never meant more to me than it does right now. Literally. Because I have to drink a lot of water, do breathing treatments and walk as much as possible. We will also need A LOT of prayers tomorrow. We just heard from the nurse that we are cleared to go home so we will head out in the morning with my parents. We are going to drive which is normally an eight hour drive. But tomorrow it will be doubled because we will have to stop every hour and a half so I can walk around to avoid blood clots. Please pray for us!!

My family and I want to again say thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers. There is no question that one of the biggest reasons that things have gone so well is because of all of the prayers that have lifted us up and carried us through. We cannot thank you enough. I am living proof that prayers work. Period.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...........................

Wednesday

Well as a I sat down to write this the fire alarm went off. Rebecca had just left to go down stairs and get some milk, and mom and dad aren’t here. I kinda giggled cause the elevators don’t work during a fire alarm so they won’t be able to get up here for a while. Me, being the cop, walked out into the hallway to investigate and got yelled at to shut my door. Don’t they know I am a…..they might but right now it is meaningless. All about perspective. I still can’t tell you what it’s like outside right now. Looks pretty from the window. They did say that maybe later today or tomorrow I can walk outside. Would be nice.

My post from yesterday turned out to be a little misleading. As the day progressed I felt worse. I spent most of the afternoon sleeping. I guess it finally caught up with me. I didn’t fell horrible, just no energy. The main thing I am dealing with right now is shortness of breath. The way it was explained to me was the drugs cause my body to retain a lot of extra fluid which in turn puts pressure on my body one of the results being the shortness of breath. They have me doing breathing treatments three times a day. Which is a great gesture but not really much help. Right now it is better. In case your curious the parade of folks in and out of the room starts around 4 am each day. From 4 until around noon it is non-stop. Today for example the nurse started at 4 am. Then comes the person who takes my blood pressure, temperature, pulse ox, and weight. Then comes the next person with a breathing treatment. Then the day shift nurse comes in and introduces themselves and goes over the plan for the day. Then another lady came in and took more blood. At some point a physicians assistant will come in and go over where my levels are at and let us know how everything is going. Then shortly after that a doctor will come in and do the same thing. They have all been great. They have made things so much easier. They treat us everyday with kindness and compassion, answer our questions, and listen to us. It makes a huge difference.

So the tentative plan for today is let the last course of drugs go through my body, continue to keep and eye on my vitals and see where things stand tomorrow. I have the catheter in my arm that will stay in place until this whole mess is over. One of the things we will have to be very careful of is infection. It will have to be flushed and cleaned and bandaged once a week even while at home. Which means Rebecca and Mom are having to go to two different classes on how to do it. Then, later today, they will have to actually perform the procedure in front of the nurse before they will let me go. We will be here at least through tomorrow. We may be released tomorrow or Friday depending on how much my swelling goes down. Once released, we will have to come back to the hospital once or twice more to have blood work done to make sure all of my “levels” are stable. It is looking like we will most likely be able to leave for Tulsa on Monday or Tuesday. (As I say that the nurse just took my blood pressure and it was too high so who knows) That’s it for now. I feel better today and am grateful. It has not been fun, but it could have been a lot worse. I will let everyone know more as we do.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don’t forget to breath…………..

Tuesday

Well it is Tuesday morning here at MD Anderson. The only major even that has happened thus far is that I accidentally poured a 32 oz. cup of cold water on me and my bed this morning around 6 while trying to take medicine the nurse was giving me. That is one way to wake up! I guess that is payback for trying to tease the nurses too much this week. I have been trying to blog the last couple of days but the internet here isn’t so great and it won’t save or publish my post so we are going to try and do this a different way today.

On the medical front all is going really well. All of my numbers from my blood work are perfect. I still have a few small side effects like fatigue, some diarrhea (I knew you wanted to know that), shortness of breath and bloating. Most of them are supposed to stop the minutes the drugs stop. I have had no nausea or dizziness. Honestly the doctors are surprised I am doing so well. I am still getting up and walking around two or three times a day. I will start my last round of treatments Wednesday morning around 4 am. then they will take me off all of them and keep me for observations for a day or two. The will then release me from the hospital on Thursday or Friday, and we will stay here in Houston for a day or two then be on our way back to Tulsa! I know this, without a doubt. The only reason this has gone so well is because of all of the thoughts, prayers and support of all of you. PERIOD! I was just talking to Rebecca and Mom about that. We have people praying for us all over the world and I am a firm believer in prayer. THANK YOU! Its not been easy, but it has been as easy as it could be because of all of you. The other good news it that this usually means the following treatments will be easier as well. The next question will be how is it affecting the cancer? We should know in about six weeks.

My family and I simply cannot thank each of you for all you all are doing for us. It is humbling and amazing. I have thought a lot about this while lying in bed these last few days and the simple answer is there is power in numbers. Not once have I been depressed or down. Not once have I said why me. I realized that I am drawing my strength from all of those prayers, thoughts, fundraisers, messages, phone calls, and texts that we have gotten from all of you. Surprisingly I have been in a great mood each day knowing that this is only temporary and soon I will get to be back to my home and family and friends. There is no greater motivation.

Well today will be another normal day for me of more needles and drugs and trying to eat. I think I may go see if I can challenge someone to a race around the nurses station. Thank you again to all of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don’t forget to breath……………..

Machine

This is the machine that hold all the drugs. I am hooked

to it 24/7. Even have to shower hooked up to it. And when

a bag gets empty it sounds a very loud alarm. Lovely

when your dead asleep

Round One in Houston

Wow, I have been wanting to write for a few days now but they don't leave me alone long enough to get anything done. I will write more about Thursday another day. There is just too much to cover at this point. I will say that the put the catheter line in my left bicep. They poke a big hole and then take a flexible piece of wire and thread it through the veins. It has to go over the shoulder, past the heart and to the right lung area. The first two attempts weren't good. Let me tell you when they poke the vein with the wire, from inside the vein, it ain't fun. Then a surgeon looked at a place underneath my right arm that we thought was fluid build up from my last surgery in Tulsa. The idea was to drain it to give me some pain relief. Again, poked with a big needle but nothing drained. Which means it is now a hematoma. Which means another surgery at some point to fix it but not now. And yes it was wicked painful. I about jumped off the table.

After all of the tests and scans and pokes and sticks, we met with the Doctor around 2 pm. First, I passed the physical to proceed with the treaments. They did find a small defect in my heart that I don't understand but all of them seem to not be concerned with it. Then, and yes here it comes, they found more cancer in my lungs, both of them. Until yesterday they could only find the cancer in my right lung. And apprenetly one of the spots is of good size. Then, and by this point I had my suspicions, the brain scan showed a small spot. The good news is the radiologist wouldn't call it metastatic. He said it could be a vein or something else. But they are concerned because the spot is visible from every angle in every scan, and it wasn't there in any of the previous scans. So they are changing one of my drugs, to a drug that will penetrate the blood brain barrier and hopefully kill whatever it is. We were the given the "orders" and had to report to the hospital. We were assigned a room and told to come back whenever. So Mom and Dad and Rebecca and I went to eat dinner. We finally reported to the hospital around 8 pm and checked into our room. They started the IV around midnight giving me fluids only. Then around 2 am the chemo. started. Even though it's called chemo and it is, it's also not. I am being given a combination of drugs that are chemo, while some aren't typical chemo. One of them, a drug called interferon, gave me the most horrible chills I have ever had yesterday. I started shaking so hard that I was shaking the bed to the point you could hear it rattling, that went on for an hour. They gave me some medicine to help and the first round helped but didn't stop it. Finally they gave me some more and I was able to sleep for a while and stopped shaking but woke up with a 102 degree temp. Guess you got to give to get! So far there hasn't been much nausea, mostly fatigue and some dizziness. Sleep comes in small spurts due to being checked on or stuck every couple of hours. Today should tell us a lot. They said yesterday that for most day two and three are when the symptoms set in for most people. We are praying they will be minimal for me. The list of possible side effects is just too long to list here, so if I get them I will just discuss them as they come. The nurses and doctors are the best. Each day for me is a new adventure and I am doing my best to laugh and joke with the staff. Some like it, some don't know what to think of me! I love it.

Well I told my family when we left the doctors office yesterday that there has always been some doubt in my mind as to whether or not coming here was the right decision. The cost, logistics, separating us from the kids, and so many other doubts have gone through my mind. And as much as I didn't want to hear that the cancer has spread even more, it was reassurance to me that this is the place we have to be to get the help I need. So I am here, 100%. It is going to be horribly expensive, I am going to be away from home a lot, it is going to be hard on the kids and my family and friends. It is going to be super hard on me physically. But this is where I have to be. Period. I have seen so much already that has changed me in some ways. I met a 4 year old girl with melanoma. It started as a spot on her arm, then moved into they nodes under her arm, hum, sound familiar? My wife and mother met a man with melanoma in his lungs and brains. It's good to know that in that since, I am not alone. I have heard stories from patient's that are absolutely inspiring to me. I see this place now as a place of hope and promise. Along with that, and all of the support from our families and great friends back home, we are going to beat this no matter what it takes. God brought us here for a reason, no doubt about it. Well as I was sitting here typing this the nurses have been changing out the drugs and today begins round two. One of the drugs makes you sleepy and kind of out of it so I will stop for now. Please don't be worried about calling us or emailing or texting us. It is great to hear from everyone. Hopefully we will be back in the middle of next week to see everyone. Thank you again to all of you for you support, prayers, messages and calls. And to those of you who have and are working so hard on fundraisers for us. Just incredible.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to pray.................

Morning

Well just a quick update this morning. It is Tuesday October 5th. We fly out today at noon on a plane that is part of the Angel Flight program. And what a program that is. They fly patients to MD Anderson in Houston (among other places I think) for free. It is mostly for people who cannot afford to fly commercially or who have to fly back and forth on a regular basis. It is private plane owners and companies who donate their planes, and time to provide a service to others. It is incredible. It is another one of those things where others have stepped up and helped us tremendously during this time. Besides it beats having to go through airport security or the Houston airport any day of the week. Then, thanks to my Texas State Fraternal Order of Police family, we will have a ride waiting on us when we land.

As most of you know by now my parents are going with us. They both came down with the head and chest junk over the weekend and aren't feeling well. Both Rebecca and I started feeling ill last night. One of the rules at the hospital is if you are sick you cannot be around the patient's so we need prayers that we will all be feeling well by Thursday. Yesterday I kept saying, I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick. Mind over matter! No please pray for us that we are well by the weekend. Otherwise we are doing okay. Obviously we are nervous. The fear of the unknown is always the worst. I think we are all ready to get through the first week so at least we will have a better idea of what to expect. There are still many things up in the air like will I feel up to traveling after the treatments. If not, we will have to find a place to stay there in Houston. Not an easy proposition to find a place there that is affordable. Rebecca's mom will be coming on October 18th to stay at our house with the kids. So, we had to send them of to stay with family members last night which was hard, especially on Rebecca. We are going to miss them. This is a very difficult time for them and they need lots of prayers as well. There is not much else at this point. I am going to post blogs as much as possible. Some of them may be through dictation to Rebecca, but we will keep everyone posted as much as possible.

Thank you again for all you prayers, support, emails, and texts. Thank you to all of you who are giving of your time and energy to do fundraisers and help us during this time. Words cannot express how grateful we are. We love all of you guys.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Donate Button

Two blogs in one day, I know, I know. But it was suggested to us by a new friend that we set up a PayPal account and link it to the blog so it would be easier for people to donate. Again after some consternation on my part, and pushing by family and friends I did. (Rebecca did all the computer work!) It is the donate button in the top right hand corner of the blog. Once again another example of the incredible things others are doing for us right now! Thanks Mike.

Schedule

My favorite time of day, my favorite time of year. I just dropped the kids off at school, the wife is in bed and it is quiet in the house. And sitting on the porch on a beautiful fall morning with my coffee is just about perfect. Then the dump truck goes by, oh well. Which reminds me, I am going to call the city of Owasso today and see if they will put up some orange barrels, or cones, or signs in front of my house because I think the street we live on is the only street in Tulsa County that is not under some sort of construction! I remember laughing so hard I cried one day a few years ago. They were redoing the State Capitol building in Oklahoma City, and I don't know if it was a real contest or just something the paper was doing, but they were taking suggestions for what should go on top of the dome. One guy said and orange construction barrel! I am still laughing today.

Well we now have a schedule for next week. We leave on Tuesday the 5th. We don't have to be at the hospital until Thursday morning at 8:30. When the nurse called it took her twenty minutes to give Rebecca the schedule for that day. We literally have appointments from 9:00 that morning until 8:00 that night. I get to do everything from a counseling session, to blood work, to scans (yes I get to drink barium) to stress tests, and heart tests and on and on. Then we return to the hospital on Friday morning at 8:30 for my catheter. Let me pause right here for a minute. When I initially heard that word, I called everything off. Apparently it's not the kind of catheter I was thinking about. It's actually a port where they will always inject the treatments. Okay, so lets call it a port, not a catheter. Because, and I told Rebecca, if they try the catheter the way I am thinking I will run out of the hospital and will beat her back to Tulsa! There are just some things where I will draw the line. I have my standards. Then we will meet with the doctor and nurse later that day to go over the treatment plan and will have to be admitted in the hospital before 11:00 pm on Friday. Then the first round will begin. And yes Adam (a fellow Officer from Altus who commented on my last blog) I have been in touch with the Texas State FOP Vice-President who has been incredibly helpful. Again, we are still just amazed at the response and help we are getting from all over the country. Simply amazing.

We are doing good. My brother came to town this week and I am getting to spend some time with him which is always great. Yesterday was a good day. So far, today is a good day. We have a lot to do to get ready to leave but we are also trying to take some time for ourselves and not let it overwhelm us. It has been a wonderful lesson and reminder for me to focus on today, and not worry about tomorrow and things I cannot control. It's times like this that help me see that even when life is normal, I spend far too much time worrying about things tomorrow, or next week or even next year. I have today and I am grateful for that. We still have to do things to plan ahead, that is part of life, but I also don't have to allow those things to become a point of stress for me either. When I do, I miss out on things like helping the kids with their homework. (Yes I was helping with third grade math last night and was totally lost. Go ahead laugh, next time I will call one of you!) I have also realized that when I spend my time worrying or focused on things that I cannot control I can become absent from my own family, even in the same room. So, we enjoy today. Whatever happens in Houston, we will find out about when we get there. Suddenly the word balance comes to mind. No I haven't figured it out, but there is a lesson in that word for me.

Thank you again to each and everyone of you for you love and support. I cannot express how important each of you are to us in this journey. We will keep you posted as always.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

Good Morning!

You know if I could have sat down and ordered up the perfect weather day it would have been yesterday. What an absolutely gorgeous day! I was joking with someone that we had better enjoy this week because knowing how things go in Oklahoma it could be snowing next week. And believe me I am enjoying it.

There isn't a lot of news to talk about except we aren't going to have to move. Things fell into place that will allow us to stay in our home. I am beyond grateful. I cannot express how grateful I am. I also had to sit down yesterday and sign a will, medical and financial power of attorney, and end of life directives. I have to be honest, it wasn't something I was planning on doing at this point in my life but it is part of being smart and prudent. Later in the day I told Rebecca don't take the $637.42 and my two worldly possessions and blow them all in one place! She laughed and reminded me that I am not even worth that much (financially)! In some ways this week has been very surreal. Things like signing those documents was very weired. Trying to get disability. weired as well. But something really amazing has happened to me over the last few days. I have found a new strength and a new frame of mind. Much of the fear that I felt last week has begun to melt away and I am starting to see this as just another adventure in life. And the best part is I know what is causing it. Each one of you!

I have been utterly amazed and humbled at the people who are going far above and beyond to help us. There is already numerous fundraisers in the works, money has been donated, our yard is taken care of, and the list goes on. I have even received emails and messages from people I have never met. What I am learning is that once I let go and started accepting help, I found a new source of strength. When someone calls, writes or texts, I get filled with strength and some of that fear goes away. I could go on and on but I won't. We simply want to say thank you. There will never be any way we will be able to repay all that has been and will be done for us. But I want you to know that each of you have already helped in ways you can never imagine. I feel better mentally, emotionally and physically. I am more ready each day to get to Houston and fight with everything I have. I am less and less scared of the treatments, less scared of the financial issues, and more trusting that God will take care of us no matter what. I have said from the beginning to my immediate family that this isn't just my fight, it's a family fight. Well the fight just got a whole lot bigger because each of you are my family, and we cannot do it without you. THANK YOU!

Well we don't know the exact date but will leave the first of next week sometime. I am scheduled to check into the hospital on October 8th to begin the first round of treatments. Then hopefully I will feel like coming home in the following two weeks. I guess one thing I should request prayer for is the doctor's and nurses at the hospital. As much as I don't know what I am getting myself into, they have not a clue what they are getting themselves into with me. You will need to pray that they can deal with me as well! Oh and definitely pray for my wife and parents as well. I can be a handful! Hey you gotta have fun as much as possible and hopefully I will be able to do that during all of this. I will blog again sometime soon but I wanted today to let each of you know how grateful we are for all that is being done. Absolutely amazing!

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Houston, We have a problem.........

I wish I could sit here and say that I haven't agonized over this decision, been scared in a way that I never knew was humanly possible, or just completely locked up at times, but I can't. I have done all of that over the last several days. This has and still is an absolutely unbelievable experience to go through. It is well past a journey. But we continue on.

We are going to Houston for treatments. In one sense I am relieved a decision has been made. In other ways I am more scared now than ever before. We also made the decision to move out of our house and move in with one of Rebecca's family members. It's the last thing that I or we wanted to do, but we have no other option. We have no short term disability at work, and we simply cannot stay here with me not having any income. I hate that we have to turn the kids lives upside down like that, I hate that this disease is causing my families lives to change completely with no end in sight, and I hate that I have no control over it at this point. I hate that this has been so completely overwhelming for Rebecca and I. We are having to do our best to make the right decisions with what little information we have. I hate watching my parents go through this. Your not supposed to have these kinds of conversations with your parents. I hate that most likely I will have to walk away from my career that I love. I am too young. I hate that the very treatments that are supposed to help me could kill me. I hate that the doctors agree that I have most likely have mirco-melanoma cells all over my body that we may not find till it's too late. I hate that we don't know yet how my body will respond to the treatment's. Will it make me so sick I won't be able to come home during that time? I hate that my wife and parents, family and friends, will have to watch me go through all that.

If you haven't picked up on it yet I am a little bit angry right now. I have said all along I will always be honest with where I am at. I also share that because I have talked a lot about how for me, shifting the mental and emotional gears is important for me. Well I have shifted a gear now. I think being angry at this thing is a good thing for me. All of the things I just talked about, along with a million other things have been swimming in my head for the last several days. And making the decision to go to Houston, even though it created many more questions, helps me get focused on fighting. And when I get angry and focused usually means you better just get out of my way. I won't stop until I win it. (You can ask the people who know me best, I can be a little more that tenacious when I reach this point.) We are going to make any sacrifice necessary to do whatever we have to, to not only make this work, but to win it. As several of my friends have said all along, I am just too mean to lose to cancer.

We still need tons of prayers. We have so much that is up in the air right now. Big decisions will still have to be made from here on out. It is not going to be easy on any front, but all we can do now is take things one step at a time. What we do know is we will go to Houston and the first couple of days will be more testing. Then I will be admitted into the hospital to begin the treatments. I will be in the hospital for a week for the treatments, then will be out for two weeks then back in a week. This will go on for a minimum of 5 months depending on how well the cancer responds. They told us that it will be up to me and how I feel if I will be able to travel home during those two weeks off. If not we will then face the issues of trying to find a place to stay there in Houston. If you remember, we had talked about the real possibility of me going on permanent medical disability due to the last surgery and the loss of the nodes. We are going to look into that now to see if that will be an option. It would at least, at some point, bring in some income. I could go on and on but I will stop. The important thing for us it is time to fight. And the fight is on. We cannot say thank you enough for all of the help, prayers, phone calls and cards we have already gotten. Those are the things that give us the strength to get through this. THANK YOU!

We don't have anything set in stone in terms of a date, but when we do we will let everyone now. We are going to spend the next couple of weeks packing, moving, and doing what needs to be done now to get ready. I will post more next week. Oh and if you were wondering about the title? I don't think the doctor's and nurses have any idea what they are getting themselves into with me.......hehehehe........

Andy,

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............

Signed,

Andy

Short One

We have been asked many times over the last several days by many of you what we need. My normal reaction is we don't need anything. Actually, that is my ego not wanting to ask for help. I am simply not good at asking, and my closest friends know that about me. So our best friend Rae decided to open a benefit account at the American Bank of Oklahoma in Collinsville. (Not Bank of Oklahoma.) And I have to be honest, finances are going to be our biggest obstacle through all of this. So I was asked if I would post this information on here, and after some consternation by me, and encouragement from others here goes. To donate money to the account you may contact the following people: Rae Sutton (918) 951-6529 or Michael Dunning at (918) 629-5776. They can direct you on how to donate. If anyone knows where I can get a new body free of cancer, around 25 years old, in really good shape, with more hair I would be very grateful as well! Thank You!

WOW!

I thought the last time I wrote was information over load. I was wrong. I didn't realized that you could actually reach a point where no matter how bad you want to think, and I mean about anything, you just cannot make your brain work. It's possible. I actually forgot how to get to the bathroom today, and I was standing in front of the door! And the worst part is it ain't over. If this keeps up I may actually get committed for being comatose on my feet.

This is going to be another long one. I apologize, but to make it understandable there is simply no way around it. We had our appointment at MD Anderson last Friday. When you first arrive the nurse does the initial intake, asking a million questions. Then the Physician Assistant comes in, asks the same million questions, does a brief exam then leaves to get the doctor. This visit, the Assistant came back in and informed us that the doctor was looking over my latest PET Scan, done just weeks ago, and told us that he had found a spot in my right lung that he didn't like. She told us that he was looking over all of the Scans, MRI's, CT Scans done over the last year to see if the spot showed up in any of them. Finally the doctor came in and said those magic words you love to hear when you are at one of the leading cancer hospital's in the world........I have bad news. YAH! What he told us was that there is a nodule in my right lung that "lit up" on the PET Scan and was bigger than it should be. (It wasn't in any other scans.) He told us that in his opinion, he would feel safe saying as percentages go, the chances are 90% that it is cancer. He then told us that if we wanted to have a biopsy done that we could but that it comes with a lot of risks. The biggest risk is the lung collapsing. He stated, and we are in agreement, that doing a biopsy is simply irrelevant. The reason is because the fear that we have had all along is that the cancer would metastasize and it has. And because of that there are most likely micro-metastasized cancer cells other places in my body. Thus it is not very important that it be biopsied because whether or not it is won't change the treatment plan. Upon asking him, he told me he would put me at stage 4 cancer.

We then began discussing treatment options. Actually he and Rebecca discussed them. I was sitting in the corner staring into la la land wondering if I could jump over the exam table and be out the door in less than two steps. What I finally learned the next day was he suggested three treatment plans. Mild, Moderate, and Advanced. Fairly simple sounding names. Don't let that fool you. I did. The moderate is one drug with only a 1% effective rate, would be done here at home and is fairly inexpensive. I would also be able to work during the treatments. The moderate is a combination of two drugs, is only 4% effective, costs around $15,000 a treatment, and would take a minimum of 5 months. Most likely I would not be able to work during that time due to being sick from the treatments. The advanced has two options. Both are a combination of drugs that are about 16% effective, range in cost from $45,000-$75,000 a treatment, can only be done at MD Anderson in Houston, and is physically brutal on the patient. They both are a minimum of 5 months which obviously means I won't be able to work. I also have to pass a physical exam just to see if my body can handle the treatments. It would mean being in the hospital in Houston for one week during the treatments, then off for two weeks, then back again for a week, and so on. The last question that Rebecca asked was what was the prognosis without any treatments. The answer, I have 18 months to live. At that point, while still in la la land and planning my escape, I am pretty sure I started drooling. All I wanted was to leave. When we got home we started looking up the drugs that are involved we found several articles that said once it gets into the lungs the patient has 15-18 months to live without treatments.

So the quandary. At this point we feel the only option is one of the advanced treatments. We understand that the cancer has gone "mobile" and that is not good. Whether or not the spot in my lung is cancer is irrelevant. We have to do something, and it needs to be aggressive. The problems now are numerous. First there is the obvious, money. Not counting the cost of the treatments, there is me not working and trying to maintain our life here. We will have to take measures to down size to the bare minimum financially. Then there is being in Houston for more than 6 months. The logistics are mind boggling. There is travel, food, medicine, and the list goes on. But, and what weighs on our decision more, is the long term prognosis is not good. I called a good friend of mine today who is a Radiologist at the Cancer Treatment Centers of American in Tulsa. After a conversation with him, he spoke with an Oncologist there and both immediately said I need to go to MD Anderson. We are going to go. One way or another, we are going. But, and I don't like to ask, we need help. Please pray that God works things out for us to go to Houston. Please pray that God works things out here at home. Especially, please pray for my family, all of them. The stakes have been raised once again and the fight is on. We are going to fight with every ounce of our beings, and are going to seek out every option possible. I will be honest, I have not had a good day. I have let the fear take over. I have asked why me, what now, what are we going to do? All we can do at this point is put one foot in front of the other, work towards going to Houston, and trust that God will open the doors. We trust that all will be okay.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Latest

It is Saturday as I write this. I am trying to get it done before 3:00 pm because it is that time of year again! OU football. They play at 3:00 today and once kick off comes, I will be doing nothing else but watching the game. What a great time of year. Cool Saturday's with nothing to do but be lazy and watch football. And for anyone who is wondering, my wife is a huge football fan, especially OU football. Yes I know I am lucky. One of the reasons I married her.

We have a little bit of news. We met with the surgeon yesterday. The first thing is he took the drain out of my arm pit which I am very grateful for. They aren't so much painful as they are annoying and restrictive. The final pathology lab came back on Thursday and he was able to let us know what they said. They took 15 lymph nodes out during the surgery and of those, 3 were cancerous. I think in my previous blog after the surgery I talked about a tumor under my arm that they weren't able to get to through the first incision. It too was cancerous. Also some of the tissue he removed that was around the nodes was cancerous as well. The rest of the nodes and tissue he took out was clear. It's what we all expected. No better, no worse. On Wednesday and Thursday I was very sick. I had chest and head congestion along with aches and pains and couldn't hardly get off the couch. After sharing that with the surgeon, he told us that it is a viral infection and is most likely what caused my breathing problems on the operating table. We know there will probably have to be more surgeries in the future and we were worried about the breathing issues. He assured us that the issues were a result of the illness and nothing else, and that we shouldn't worry about any more issues during any future surgeries. We have not met with our Oncologist here and don't know when we will. We do have an appointment at MD Anderson in Houston next Friday the 17th. We are going to meet with them and see what they say. We will then come home, met with the Doctor's here, and formulate a game plan. If we feel that I can be best treated in Houston, we will do everything we can to make that happen, if it's at all possible.

Again with the hurry up and wait for answers. I think yesterday both Rebecca and I reached a point that we just flipped the proverbial switch and turned it off. We are both worn out and needed to rest. I cannot say enough about my wife. She is incredible. She has taken care of me, the kids, the house, and been constantly on the phone getting medical records and talking to Doctor's office's. Tenacious doesn't even cover it. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. We are shutting it down for the weekend. We are going to rest this weekend, try not to think too much, and hit the ground running on Monday. We really appreciate all of the emails, calls, and texts from everyone. It means a lot to us and gives us strength everyday. We know things will be a little different this time, but the one thing that will never change is that all of the thoughts and prayers we receive are what helps us get through no matter what the road ahead my bring. Thank You!

Post Surgery

I am sitting on the couch, writing and watching TV. In case you are wondering the show is one of those entertainment shows and they are talking about "Dancing with the Stars". Wow, do we not have anything better to do now days than watch people, called stars, dance? And how is Bristol Palin a star? That is thirty seconds of my life I will never get back!

Well, as I stated, we are home. The surgery went okay. Once I was under, the doctor began and removed the first lymph node. It was then immediately sent to the lab where it was tested and confirmed that it was cancer. He then removed all lymph nodes that he could find. He also told us that there was an area of tissue that didn't look good to him so he removed it as well. After that he began working on other areas of tissue, as we understand it, as a precautionary measure. During that time I stopped breathing, and did so a few times. The decision was then made between he and the Anesthesiologist to stop the surgery. He did tell us that he accomplished what he hoped to but was unable to continue to do more because of the breathing issues. We hope that all was removed and won't have to do another surgery in the same area, but that will remain to be seen. We will now have to watch the issues that come with having the nodes removed. The next step, at this point, will be to make an appointment with MD Anderson in Houston. We are going to try to get it done next week. The Oncologist here will wait on the lab results to come back and we will then meet with her and begin to formulate a treatment plan. As I stated in my previous blog, much more will be known once the labs come back. I am feeling good for the most part. I am in a small amount of pain but it is much better than the last two surgeries. I do have another drain tube in the arm pit that we have to drain once an hour or so, but luckily this time the after care is minimal.

The last two times I have had surgery we made arrangements for the kids to be elsewhere. This time, after some discussion, we gave them the option to go to school or go to the hospital with us. Each of the last two times it was hard on them to not be there through the whole process, which left them with a lot of questions. The hope was if we took them they would feel more part of the process and help answer some of their questions. They each chose to go with us and I am glad they did. They got to be there with their mom and my parents which I think helped all of them. They did great too. They got to watch the IV nurse put my IV in, got to see the inside of the room, and got a great laugh when they saw me in the "gown". It was quiet funny to watch and listen to them try not to laugh out loud when they saw me.

Well, it wasn't the news we were hoping for. It was the worst case scenario at this point. We still have a lot of unanswered questions that will simply take time. We have always known in the back of our minds that this day and others like it could come. As I think I stated in the last blog September 24, 2010 would have been my one year mark. Almost made it. I cannot even begin to express the feelings and emotions we have all felt over the last few weeks and especially today. Scared, angry, numb, hopeful, overwhelmed, tired, we have covered them all. Funny how things change so quickly in life. We face a new challenge, one that brings more to the table than last time. Along with a greater sense of urgency, comes an even greater will to fight no matter what it takes. I have been reminded today as I spent time with family and friends, that nothing else matters but my life with my family and friends. Each of you brings strength and hope into our lives everyday. My outlook is simple, I will fight with everything I have and enjoy each day to it's fullest. And at least if I am going be sick in will be in the fall and not the horrible heat we have had this summer! We will do our best to keep everyone informed as we go.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Short Update

This one will be short and sweet. I am scheduled for surgery Tuesday morning at 7:00 am. Much more will be known after the surgery and we will post a new blog and let everyone know what we find out. We are taking today (Sunday) to just be lazy and enjoy the day. I told Rebecca today is a time out!

Information Overload!

Well I am going to skip the weather issues and other anecdotes on this one. It is going to be a long one, sorry. We have been filled with tons of information over the last two days and in the final analysis, I don't know that we feel any better about things than we did before. I will do my best to explain in short and understandable terms where we are.

Let me first cover some points about melanoma. It is probably the least understood cancer, and without a doubt the hardest cancer to treat. Mine was an advanced melanoma. And with melanoma the cells, in the beginning, are microscopic. So small in fact that they can, and normally go undetected by all tests until they reach a certain size. The obvious problem with that is once they are detected they can be a serious issue. For example, one of the questions we had was my blood work. Every time I go to the doctor they do blood work, and every time it is fine. When we asked the doctor about that she said that is normal. It very rarely shows itself in the blood work. The next issue, and really the main issue with melanoma, is a term called metastasis. In essence, it means the cancer cells have begun to spread. I call it going mobile. With melanoma, the statistics are not good. Most don't survive advanced melanoma. And one of the worst things that can happen is that it shows up later in another part of the body. Thus, it metastasizes. It has gone mobile. One of the things we asked the doctor was when it shows up in another part of the body like my lymph-nodes, is it still melanoma or is it lymphoma? The answer was simple, melanoma. She said that once that diagnosis has been made, no matter where it shows up it is still melanoma. When we left the doctor's office yesterday my dad said it best. I will paraphrase, but basically he said, everything I have read about melanoma is, if it comes back anywhere else other than the original site, it is not good. It means that it has metastasized and the fight is on. I don't know a better way to sum it up. Another of the basic questions was, what stage do they consider me. Cancer has four stages, one through four, four being the worst. She has me at stage three. Bad, but not stage four. Stage four is mostly when it gets into organs. Obviously our fear at this point is that if it has metastasized it could be in other parts of my body but has not grown enough to show itself yet. One of the doctor's statements to me was, I understand this is your worst fear come true. Very true.

The next step is surgery. I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday the 7th. What the surgeon will do is take out a lymph-node, do some sort of test where they freeze the node and photograph it. From that they will be able to confirm that it is cancerous. At that point they will do a full node dissection. When they remove the nodes they will be biopsied and from that the Oncologist will be able to determine a lot. They will then be able to tell if it has metastasized. Don't ask me how, that is way over my head. But the information they receive from the pathology lab will determine what will happen next. Another one of the issues discussed was possible treatments. Basically chemotherapy is useless against melanoma. There will most likely be radiation on my right arm and shoulder area. You may remember when we went through round one, one of the suggestions was a drug called interferon. At the time we opted not to do it. It is the only drug, so far, that has shown any affect on melanoma. But it is a horrible drug for most people, with terrible side effects. Our doctor did say that we might have to look at it as a real possibility this time. (We hope not!) There is a new melanoma drug that has shown the best results by far, but it has not gotten final approval by the FDA yet. I think that the biggest thing that has caught me off guard so far was, if they do a full node dissection I will possibly have a lot of problems in the future with my right arm. With the nodes gone, a great amount of fluid will collect in my right arm causing swelling, lymphedema, and infections. One of the biggest contributors to those issues is usage of the arm. I will have to limit what I do with that arm. Not good for my line of work. I won't be able, if those things occur, to fight with people or do too much with that arm. When we brought that up with the Oncologist the first thing she said was that I may not be able to be a cop anymore and that she would help us get on medical disability. We asked the surgeon about the same issue today and he confirmed my fears as well. In our retirement system I cannot medical retire until my ten year mark. I am at six and one half. Not what I wanted to hear. I knew what the end result of the cancer could be, but I never thought I may have to give up the job that I love in the process.

Let me first of all say this. We are not being negative, nor will we EVER give up. Rebecca and I made a few commitments to each other when all of this started a year ago. The first and foremost is that we will always be honest with each other, the kids, and each one of you. I was watching a video clip the other day on the new melanoma drug on MSNBC. The first statement that the doctor being interviewed made was, "advanced melanoma historically is a death sentence". That is our reality. Not that we think that will happen. But we also won't bury our heads in the sand, whistle dixie, and pretend everything will be okay. We have to know what we could face. The fact is, if things go the way we think, this is going to be a greater challenge. We both have to worry about sick time at work. I have some left but it won't last long. The kids still have to be fed, the bills have to get paid, life goes on no matter what. The fear is multiplied this time, partly because we are more educated that we were the last. One of the other commitments we made was that when we get bad news, we give each other a day or two to feel whatever we each need to feel. Whether it is angry, sad, scared, frustrated or any other feeling. We give ourselves that time to feel it, deal with it, and be done with it. We then come back together and say, okay, enough. Now we shift those gears and fight, period. We are pushing in the clutch and starting to shift. It is going to be a long weekend waiting for Tuesday. But, one thing is for sure, we have been through a lot and have learned how to keep going forward and fight with all we have. We have a great support of family and friends who have done and continue to do so much for us. It has been great to have my Mom and Dad with us every step of the way this week. So that is where we are and what we know. And yes I asked the surgeon today if I got the buy three get the fourth surgery free deal and he said no. Oh well, worth a try. We will keep everyone updated as we know more.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breathe.............