Strange

Well we are home after a very long 10 hour drive. I have to be honest, if I never have to make that drive again I won't be sad. It is a long tough drive and you would think that it would wear me out to the point I wouldn't have any trouble sleeping yet here I am at 4:00 in the morning. I am sure the wonderful 10 hours of sleep I got last night are playing a factor in the sleeplessness as well. I guess I need to find balance in my sleep too.

You know the other thing a ten hour drive allows for is time to think. And with the news we got from the doctor yesterday, I had plenty to think about. (Which may also play into my sleep deprivation tonight.) I thought about a lot. Way to much to try and squeeze into a single blog. But two things keep coming to the forefront for me today. The first is that was the first time we have left a doctors office, through this whole process, without a game plan. All of the other times when something didn't work the doctors had another idea or plan of action to try next. Something to look forward to. Okay, maybe not the right words, but at least a plan of action which gave us the ability to keep going mentally and spiritually. Yesterday, nada, nothing, the proverbial scratching of the head. He gave us a couple of thoughts, but his exact words were, I am just thinking out loud and off the top of my head. Not very reassuring. His last words to my wife, because I had already left the room due to frustration about the way things had gone with the nurses and doctor prior to the final conversation, were don't give up. (And let me say this, one thing we have learned is this is our care, I am the patient and the doctor works for me. And it's okay, as long as I do it in the right manner, to express my displeasure with their timelessness, and manner in which they were doing things. And I did just that. And I finally reached a point at the end that I had to leave the room. It's my life we are talking about and beating around the bush doesn't work with me. I am done with my disclaimer.) And give up we are not. But we find ourselves in new territory. A new kind of limbo. No answers, no game plans, no good place to start looking again for a solution.

And it reminded me that I am weird. The biochemo at the beginning could have killed me, but I was eating cheeseburgers, not throwing up, walking around etc. The regular chemo same thing. A few small side effects but not like most. This last one that was supposed to be easy, bout killed me. And I don't look like a cancer patient. My hair has never fallen out, as bad as I wanted it to. I want to be bald. I haven't lost much weight at all. Was hoping to drop a few. Am still mostly self sufficient. I still have days I can mow the yard, weed eat, work on things and enjoy life, dialed down a little. I don't look like a stage 4 cancer patient. Someone said the other day, you don't look like you are as sick as you are. And I don't. And don't get me wrong I am very grateful for that. I thank God everyday that I am able to do those things when I can. But I am just not typical. Nothing about any of this has been typical if there is such a thing. I am just strange and that's okay. It keeps things interesting. Never boring.

What is the most strange though is the not knowing what to do now. There isn't anything to plan for, or prepare for mentally. There are no plans that need to be made in reference to extended stays in hospitals, or treatments at doctor's offices. There are no scans planned in a few months, or doctor's appointments to ready for. Nothing. And it is a strange place to be. And a quite bit scary. There is nothing to take your mind off of the what ifs. There's nothing to keep your mind busy or occupied. As I stated above, it's a new form of limbo. So time to come up with a plan of action. All we know at this point is I am going to try and meet with my oncologist here at home. Bring him up to date and get any ideas he may have. One of the things that the doctor in Nashville suggested was radiation for the tumor under my arm. If it continues to grow we are afraid it will affect the usage in my right arm, as I stated in my last blog. We will also get back in contact with MD Anderson and make an appointment with them to see if they have any ideas. And hopefully we can get that done sooner rather than later. And that is really about it on the cancer front at this point. What I am hoping for at this point is a great amount of rain so that my grass grows really fast every week so I can mow more. Or maybe I will build a bird house. One with a garage door, motion lighting and a sprinkler system. There is the huge amount of holes the dog is finding necessary to dig in our backyard, but I think I will let the kids fix those. There is always golf for anyone who wants to take me, but I cannot promise I can hold on to the clubs in my back swing. In all seriousness, we continue on. Laughing when we can, crying when we need to, yelling a little when necessary, and putting one foot in front of the other. That's all we can do.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................