Fear

If I haven't said it enough the last few blogs, it's hot. Really hot. You would think that after almost 40 years in Oklahoma I wouldn't be surprised by the cold in the winter and the hot in the summer, but yet here I am shocked. The only good thing I suppose is that it slows down the mowing. Except that it is one of the things I actually look forward to doing during the week. I am one of the weird few who actually enjoys yard work.

Because it's hot, and I am the only one home, I am sitting on the couch watching TV. With the wonders of DVR we record and watch many shows, including Everybody Loves Raymond. I just finished watching an episode where Raymond goes in the hospital for a routine surgery and has problems. Of course it scares the family. Amid the humor, the underlying theme of the show is how precious life is and the fear of unexpectedly losing a family member. (His character lived of course.) Back to that in a bit. In our quest to be honest, as always, I must say that for the last week and a half I have been in a bad place. I have been more sick than ever before. It's funny how the first treatment, the biochemo therapy, could have killed me. It should have made me horribly sick but it didn't. I handled it well. The regular chemo didn't make me sick either. This new medicine, which is supposed to have minimal to no side effects, is kicking my behind. I have also been in a bad place mentally. I have been bored with no working and nothing else going on, I haven't talked to or heard from many people, haven't slept much, and worst of all have been pushing the family away. Part of the problem is we leave Monday for Nashville. I have a CT scan Tuesday morning and this will be the first test of whether or not the new medicine is working. Obviously that comes with a certain amount of fear and anxiety. Not to mention that trip alone is hard on us.

I have learned something else on this journey we are traveling. We know that more than likely this cancer will eventually get me. It could be months or even years, but with the aggressiveness of it and the statistics, we know what the chances are. You think about it a lot. But you think about it on different levels. Sometimes, like it has been here lately, you get so busy you don't think about it much, and when you do it is a distant thought. Then there are times you think about it from an almost business standpoint. It's about taking care of things in the future, planning. Then you think about it from an intellectual standpoint, the meaning of life, fulfilling dreams, etc. Sometimes, like the last week or so, I think about it without even realizing I am thinking about it. I know something is bothering me but I don't know what. I think it is the minds way of just not dealing with it. And knowing we have the tests coming up I think it was my subconscious way of not dealing with it. Now back to the show. The scene where the nurse comes out to the waiting area to speak with the family, and the wife breaks down in tears, set me off. Completely out of the blue I began to sob. I don't mean tear up, or cried a little, I mean sobbed. Like I haven't done in a long time. At first I thought why am I crying at a comedy? Then it occurred to me, I haven't been dealing with my own issues. Plus I haven't been honest about how scared I am about the tests next week. The tumor under my arm has grown so much it has changed my scars from the previous surgeries to the point one of them opened up in the middle of the night the other night and I woke up having bled through the night. I haven't taken the time to sit down with my wife, like we used to do, and just talked about everything. I have been that person I try not to be, the one who buries his head in life and doesn't deal with reality.

We are scared. One test next week brings many unknowns for us, almost to the point of overwhelming. We cannot make any long term decisions until we get some answers. As I have stated many times before the unknowns are the worst. What will we do if this drug isn't working? If it is working, can I handle being sick like I have been? What if it's working a little bit, but not much? What about work? Will it ever be an option again? What if I can't work? I can't handle sitting around the house much anymore. If it's not working what do we tell the kids? And trust me when I tell you, the reason we try to be so honest with each other and all of you is trying to ignore it or hide from it won't make it go away and just makes things worst. I have proven that the last couple of weeks. We have to face facts and deal with the reality of our situation. And I haven't done it very well. So another lesson learned, at least for now. I would like to say that I have learned my lesson for good, but I know better. We need your prayers next week. A lot will could change in a short amount of time, and we have to trust God that things will work out like they are supposed to. Even if it's not what we want, we have to trust that it's what he wants.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................