I have learned so much 0n this journey we are on. And I am in the middle of learning even more. For those of you who know we have moved to a new place. The reason we moved is because it is on a little over five acres with a fence and is set up for horses. Also it is the exact same amount of rent we were paying for the last place. For those of you who may remember before I was diagnosed with the second round of the cancer, we were looking for a place to buy with land. It has always been my dream to get back to a place where I can have a few cattle and horses, and it's been Rebecca's dream as well. With this place we can at least have a few horses at some point, the kids have been able to get a dog which they have loved. It has a shop back behind the house that is as big as a garage which I have loved. But I have noticed something, no matter how good it is, its change. And change, no matter good or bad, can be tough on all of us. We are having to adjust to a smaller house. Also an older house. The hot water tank has already had to be replaced, we have had a water leak, and one of our breakers keeps tripping. (I have quickly gotten to know our landlord really well!) We got our first electric bill and I about passed out due to all of the fees, the old house bill combined with the new house bill and the fact that we have window units in the new house. Then the dog got hurt trying to go under a fence and cut herself bad requiring surgery and costing us almost $400.00! And I don't care how hard we try, moving cost money so there has been a financial strain that I hadn't expected. Don't get me wrong, it is worth it the more settled in we get but it is still change. On top of all of that I am still adjusting to the new doctor and place in Nashville. I am having to adjust to a new drug and all of the side effects that come with that. Now there is the possibility that we will again change my care to a new place with new doctor's in Oklahoma City. Not to mention not know what is going on inside of me with the cancer. Not knowing what it is doing. Is it getting better, worse, staying the same? Is it moving, where is it moving to? And that is something I deal with everyday no matter what else is going on.
Change, to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone. I found this definition of change and it pretty well sums it up for me. Earlier this week I had several days of being what I called "locked up". And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But it finally occurred to me everything had or was changing and I wasn't handling it well. I had nothing that I felt like I had control of. And yes I know, we ultimately have no control of anything. But when you are an active cancer patient, I don't think feeling like everything, finances, housing, weather, cancer, being out of control is a good thing. It's just like the doctor. At least when you have the same doctor, who knows everything about your case from beginning to end, you feel like you can get mad at them, or argue with them, cry in front of them. But no matter what there is a sense of peace knowing that they know everything about your case. And I know all of the status quo responses to change. If we don't change we don't grow, change gets us out a ruts, change can bring even better things than before, changes can make us better people, change can broaden our horizons, and on and on. And I agree with those things. And this may very well be one of those times in my life. What I can say is this for sure, change is very scary from a medical stand point. There is a lot to be said about keeping the same people in charge of your care, and changing them is scary. And the other thing I can say is that I am afraid that I have pushed away, or at least kept at arms length, the one thing that I know hasn't changed through all of this and that is family and friends, especially my wife. It was right there in front of me the whole time, the one constant, all I have to do is reach out. So I guess maybe I haven't learned as much as I claim to have learned. I guess maybe it's still hard for me to ask for help. The whole male ego thing, or as some have called it, stupidity. But that, on top of all of the other changes going on in our lives, has been tough for me to handle.
So what it is about change. Fear of the unknown? Out of our routine? I don't know. And I know that sometimes change is good, even if we don't see it at the time. But I think that there are times that change may not be good. I don't believe, for me, that I should change just to change. I think for me change should be thought about and looked at before decisions are made. But then when you do that, how do you know what the right choice is. It seems that more times than not we won't know for a while if we made the right decision or not. AAAWWWWW! That's usually how I feel no matter what I chose. I do know this, I think the most important part of the decision making process is motive. What is my motive, or reason, in making the decision. Is it selfish? Was it too quick? Did I look at all the angles? Am I looking too deep, making too big a deal of it? Then there are times that change happens that I didn't plan on and can do nothing about, like cancer. Change that happens that is completely out of my control. What do I do with those times? Again I think part of the answer lies in the motive. Once the change happens the decisions that I make from there have to be made from a standpoint of right motives. Motives that are best for me and my family. I guess the bottom line, no matter whether the change comes from my own decision or just happens, it's what I do with it from there that matters. It's how I handle it. I must first check my motives. Are they selfish or are they right. Are they what I want, or are they what is best. I have to take all the information I can get, talk with my wife, then make a choice and stick with it. I also must learn to be somewhat flexible. Change sometimes requires me to be flexible which is something I am not good at. I like routine. I like things to stay the same, but I can't always be that lucky. I guess the bottom line is, like so many other things in life, is to find balance. To do my best from pure motives, then deal with what comes. Sounds good doesn't it. I will try to do better. Take things one step at a time and do my best to breath. We will see what changes this week!
Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............
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