Voices.........

I am sitting in the hotel in Houston as I begin writing this. I am watching the morning news shows and laughing as I watch them talk about the horrible cold weather. It's 26 degrees. Sorry that's not that cold. Some schools are even starting late due to the cold. They are asking people to conserve power here due to the cold. Last week, because of cold weather, they had rolling blackouts here! But I was reminded that a huge part of life is all about perspective and what we are used to. They simply don't have to deal with winter like we do in Oklahoma, and we don't have to deal with winter like they do in Kansas or Nebraska. It is all relative.

I am going to get on my equally sided rectangular object, or soap box. I will be the first to say the technology has, and continues, to transform our lives. Everything continues to change and evolve. Microwaves, TV's, cell phones, computers, cars and on and on. I even saw an advertisement for a car the other day that will now give audible facebook updates! (I think that is going a little too far.) If it weren't for modern technology I may not be doing as well as I am. And I will admit that I am somewhat of a gadget junkie. I like to have the latest and greatest, even though I am not good at using them. As a matter of fact, I really don't even know how to use half of what my computers and phone are capable of. But what I have realized is that one of the downfalls of modern technology is we are losing human interaction. Face to face, voice to voice interaction. Between text messages, email, facebook updates, and instant messaging, many of us choose those as the means by which we communicate. And don't get me wrong, I am guilty as well. Those means of communicating have their place and time. Sometimes they are easier and more convenient. I am one who uses a blue tooth headset because I don't like having to hold the phone up to the side of my head. I ask myself the question, have we gotten to lazy? Do we rely on convenience too much?

For me the answer is yes. I have realized over the last several months that I have come to rely too heavily on these tools. I think it is a sad editorial of myself that I can infer emotions in text messages with the ones I am closest to. I have come to miss some of that interaction with others. What I am learning is that not only do I miss it, sometimes I need it. (Not to mention I am getting really tired of texting!) It goes back to what I wrote about not long ago. We are not meant to be alone. Relationships with others is one of the most important things in my life. I need to take more time to make phone calls and actually speak with others. I need to take more time to have a meal, or share a cup of coffee with those I care about. And sometimes, and there really is no way around it for me, I need to spend time with them, not send them emails. I need to hear their voice, not send them text messages. Sometimes hearing their voice can fix a day gone bad, calm a fear that is getting out of control, give a sense of peace that I cannot find anywhere else, and put a smile on my face. Sometimes I just need to hear a voice.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............................

Running out of titles.............

Man it is quiet in the house this Sunday morning. The kids are gone and Rebecca is still sleeping. I enjoy quiet much more than I used to. It gives me time to sit, be quiet, and reflect, if I choose to, and I have to be honest, I don't always choose to. I am learning that there are some times thinking too much at this point in my life isn't always a good thing. But I am learning to enjoy it every chance I get.



I was sent the link to a blog this week written by a man who is a journalist and melanoma survivor. (He is a much better writer!) The first post I read was about his struggle to be honest about his feelings. As any who follow my blog will know, I try my best to always be honest about where I am at and what I am feeling. So it was good to read about someone else's struggle to be open and honest. I have to admit, there are things that go through my head almost on a daily basis that I simply don't share with anyone. And I think for a multitude of reasons. One of them being I have learned that some people simply aren't prepared to hear certain things. I shouldn't expect people to always understand my fears or concerns. I also am careful not to share certain things because I don't ever want anyone to think that I focus on the bad in this thing. But for me to not have those thoughts and fears is unrealistic. I have yet to figure out how to be fear free. Fear is after all a God given, self-preserving instinct. I also believe, and this isn't rocket science, that I have to deal with my fears but not focus on them, or maybe a better way to say it is I cannot obsess on them. But all of this got me to thinking, how do I expect others to respond when I ask them how they are doing?

We all do it. When we see someone we know it is natural to ask, how are you? Do I expect an honest answer from them, or do I simply want the proverbial everything is good response? Do I expect the same honesty from the check-out person at the store as I do from my best friend? Am I prepared to be a good listener no matter who needs to talk? Simply put, I don't expect the check-out person to be as honest as a friend. And I hope that my wife will always answer more honestly than anyone else. But the question that I have come to ask myself, no matter who I ask is, do I really want the truth? Am I concerned enough about others to be prepared to listen when I ask? What is my motivation? Keep in mind, I don't think the check-out line at the grocery store is the time or place, but, I still must ask myself if I really care about them. Or am I too concerned about me and my life that I cannot focus on someone else, even for a few minutes.

Many people have asked me if this journey through cancer has changed me and my perspective on life. Simply put yes. It would take years to write about all of the ways. And I am starting to learn that this is one area I haven't done well in. Too many days it has been too easy to focus on only me and my problems. I have not been the kind of husband, father, son, brother, friend, or human being I should be. I haven't really wanted people to be honest with me when I ask them how they are doing. I haven't done much to serve others. So the question now is what will I do about it? Am I willing to get out of myself and focus on someone else, even if for a moment? Will I be willing to listen to someone who may need to talk? Will I do more for others without any expectiation of any reward? Can I get out of my own way?

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............................

Well it has been a while, I know. I am not sure why. One reason is since the last medical update there isn't any new medical news. I did finish another round, and started on the latest one yesterday. I suppose I could call it writers block, but I am not a writer. The treatments are getting tougher and I haven't felt well most days. But I guess no matter what I call it, the bottom line is I just haven't felt like it. I wouldn't say that I have been depressed, but some days I have been down. I try my hardest to stay positive no matter what but I guess I am also human and this is turning out to be a long process.

I guess God knows what I need when I need it. Over the last couple of days he has brought people back into my life that I haven't spoken to or seen in a while. As some of you know I am a member of the Oklahoma Fraternal Order of Police. I know some people have there opinions of us overall so if you do keep them to yourself! What we are is a bunch of Police Officers who simply take care of one another and fight for what we feel is right. The FOP has been incredible to my family and I during this time. Anything I have needed has been done. They have supported us in ways that still humble me to my knees. I got to spend the weekend with many of them I don't see very often and it was just what I needed. Hearing them and their genuine love and support what just what the doctor ordered. There is no better organization or group of people in the world. Yesterday I was contacted by a family that I have known but not spoke with in years. They shared their stories of cancer, and have already become a great support. Then I received a phone call from an old friend who has been great at staying in touch with me.

I attended a funeral on Friday that was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Her name was Jennifer Mansell. I met Jennifer around 12 years ago. She was a Tulsa Police Officer and a cancer survivor. She battled breast cancer for 10 years and it finally won last Monday night. Cancer again took one of the truly great ones. She was one I could call on anytime and knew she would be there for me. Even though she worked for a bigger department, she never looked down on me or treated me any different than she did anyone else. She was honest, hard working, and loved life. Sitting at the funeral, (which if you have never been to a Police Officers funeral I strongly suggest it, there is no other like it) I was reminded of how tight a bond we have has Police Officers, and saw how many lives she touched during her time on earth. Obviously Jennifer and I have at least two things in common and sitting through the funeral brought a whole new range of emotions for me at this point in my life.

But what I came away with from all of this is the reminder that family and friends is what we have here, period. Money, possessions, toys, none of it matters. I wrote a blog a while ago about God not giving us more that we can handle. I wrote about one of the ways that God does that for me is through all of the people in my life. My family and I cannot do this on our own. God uses each of you to give us the strength we need each day. I was reminded that I cannot isolate myself from the world no matter how I feel. We were not intended to be alone. I have a friend who used to say if God wanted me alone he would have put me on my own planet. He was right. Thank you to each of you for all you do for us. As I have said many times before, we simply cannot do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......................

Update

Sorry, I should have done this sooner. We went to Houston this week for a scheduled exam and doctor's appointment. We had Christmas with Rebecca's side of the family yesterday at our house. We got back from Houston late Wednesday night so I haven't taken the time to sit down and write.

So the latest. After another wonderful round of CT and MRI scans and x-ray's, we met with the doctor. I won't go into great detail but the visit didn't start off well. The physician's assistant went over the Radiologist's report with us. Based on what she said, there wasn't much change in the size of the tumors. When the doctor came in he asked us if she had gone over the reports with us and if we felt good about them. I obviously said no. Long story short, he explained that the Radiologist compares the last round of tests with the current one, thus showing little change. He then stated he looks at the very first test in October and compares it with the ones done on Wednesday. Doing that, you can definitely see a change in the tumors. The large one under my right arm is showing a black spot in the middle meaning the cancer is dying. The smaller tumors in my lungs have shrank some. The larger tumors have shrank some as well but not much. I also have lymph nodes in my pelvic area that are cancerous as well. The doctor seemed a little more pleased this time with the progress than he usually does. He stated he had hoped for more results but some is still better than none.

He also told us that I came to him with more disease (cancer) than anyone he has ever seen. He then said I have more disease than two or three of his patient's combined. Not what you want to hear from your doctor. But, as he stated, the good news is, it still isn't in any of my major organs, or my spine, or any other place that would change things in a major way. And we thank God for that. So the plan. I will do two more rounds of treatments here in Tulsa. After them we will return to Houston for our normal check up. At that time we will meet with a surgeon as well and will schedule a surgery to remove the tumor that is under my right arm. (Actually it is on my chest area on the right side directly across from my bicep.) This is where it get's technical. Apparently, and I cannot pronounce the name, melanoma can mutate. When the tumor is removed it will be tested for the mutation. If mine has the mutation, they will change me to a pill form of chemo that is effective for treating the mutation. The testing part takes a while, so while waiting to get the results I will do another two rounds of chemo here at home. After the results we will decide what to do next. The final step will be another surgery on the larger tumor in my left lung. There is an outside possibility that if the nodes in my pelvic area don't completely shrink I would have to have surgery to remove them.

So again, not great news, but not bad news. I asked the doctor if he was happy with the progress. His response, he was hoping for more shrinkage. But the best part is there is shrinkage and there are no new growths. So we carry on. I have to be honest, I can't get very excited about more chemo. Each round seems to be a little tougher that the last. But at least we will be home. Keep us in your prayers, as I know you do. I am working on a blog about this last year and the challenges we face this year so I won't carry on too much here. But 2011 is shaping up to be another year of challenges for us. We are going to face it head on like we did in 2010. And I am going to do my best to remember to........

Put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...................

Round 4

Greetings from the Wileman house. I hope this blog finds each of you well, warm, and done with your Christmas shopping. I know not all of you can be finished though because not all of you have asked me what I want! Just kidding. I still have a few things left to get myself, but I just cannot stand going into stores this time of year. I actually went with Rebecca the other day and was quite proud of myself. I think I really surprised her when I suggested that we finish whatever shopping she had left. I won't do that again I promise!

Well Round 4 is officially in the books. As I stated before we were able to do it here in Tulsa which was great. I went Monday through Thursday for about three hours each day. Then on Friday I had to go in for a shot that is designed to make new cells. It was a difficult week for me. I am finding that each round is a little harder than the last. I still don't have any nausea to speak of, and my appetite remains good, but I had other issues. Basically my blood pressure stayed too high through most of the week, I am having some sleeplessness and joint and body pain. I also am having a disconnected feeling. It's kind of strange and hard to explain but I will just stare off into space, have a hard time getting things to go from my brain to my mouth, and just cannot seem to process things in my head. I am also struggling a little with the whole process. I told Rebecca the other day one of the frustrating things for me is there is no end in sight for all of this. No one can say on this day and time that this will be over and you can get back to living. And I understand that no one can, it just doesn't make it any easier for me. But we plug on. We will go to Houston on December 29th and 30th for the next round of testing. We will then see what the tumors are doing, what the doctor's say and go from there.

I have also been reminded that no matter what, life doesn't stop. I noticed the other day that the back bumper on my car had been hit and no one told us! (Bumper is totaled.) And two of the kids are sick. High fever's, coughing and just miserable. I am doing my best to keep from catching it but I don't have much hope. But we keep on putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best we can. We have so much to be thankful for this season. It could always be worse!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Upate

Well this one will be short. No ranting or raving about things of the world. No going on and on about the things floating around him my head. I won't wax poetic about high gas prices, the government, health care, the leak we had last week that drove my water bill up three times the normal bill, the fact that there is nothing on TV when you sit around the house most of the day, bad drivers, cold weather, eating out, the holidays, traffic, and........oops sorry bout that. I digress once again.

The good news is we found a very good doctor here that is willing to follow the treatment plan given by MD Anderson. We met with him this week and were very comfortable with him, his staff and his office. So long story short, I will start the next round on Monday in Tulsa. We are very grateful. We will still have to go to Houston December the 27th through the 29th for more testing. They will do a full battery of tests to check the progress of the treatments and then we will go from there. MD Anderson and our doctor there will still be the main doctor and hospital no matter what. But we are going to take advantage of doing as much as we can here. Over all I feel good. I still have no major side effects. The energy level is still not normal but that is to be expected. And we are still grateful for the lack of side effects.

Not much else is new. We are getting ready for Christmas like everyone else. Rebecca has gone back to work and is dealing with a crazy schedule. The kidos are good and definitely ready for Christmas. And one thing is sure, we are enjoying being home! Thank you again for all of the thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, and cards. We can't do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................................

I never would have thought.............

Wow, I just looked down at my watch and realized it is already December! Where does the time go? And yes, as I get older time seems to go even faster. I can honestly say one thing for sure, when this year began I never, not in a million years, would have been able to guess how this year would end. Never saw it coming, not quite like it has. All I can say is this year has been many things. One of them is the "I never would have thought" year. Let me explain.

"I never would have thought that I would actually work less days this year than I have worked, and still have my job!" Okay, that is one example. I wanted to give you a little taste to help you understand my thinking. I sometimes use the term "cancer fallout". It is actually interchangeable with the term "I never would have thought" when I use it. Now that we are hopefully on the same page I shall begin. I will start with some of the more obvious:

1. I never would have thought that I would end the year as a stage four cancer patient. It's not something you add to your New Year's resolutions or a to-do list.

2. I never would have thought that I would sit on the couch so much that the cushion's would take on and hold the shape of my backside. They did. Enough said.

3. I never would have thought that I would be able to tell you all the good places to stop between here and Houston, TX. Just ask me, I really do know a great beef jerky place.

4. I never would have thought that I would spend so much time in Texas. I am sorry to all my Texan friends but I still feel a little dirty when I get home from there. I have to ask Bob Stoops to forgive me.

5. I never would have thought that I would actually be able to give a guy in Houston directions on how to get somewhere in Houston. It really happened at a stop light, and he lives there!

6. I never would have thought that I would get used to being stuck in the back of the hand with needles. Wait, never mind, still not used to it.

7. I never would have thought that I would spend so much time in doctor's offices and hospital's. It's payback for all those years I refused to go to the doctor. I call it a conspiracy.

8. I never would have thought that I would be on a first name basis with someone at the health insurance company. I am still deciding if I should buy her a Christmas present. Nope never mind.

9. I never would have thought that I would get caught with chewing tobacco in my mouth, in the hospital room at the MD Anderson Cancer Hospital, by the doctor, with my mother in the room. True story! hehehehehehe.....................

10. I never would have thought that I would see so many people, especially in Owasso, Collinsville, and Law Enforcement, do so much for us to allow us to fight this fight with all we have. But you did.

11. I never would have thought that this journey would bring me even closer to people in my life who I care so much about and who care so much about me. But thank God it did.

12. I never would have thought that this journey would actually push some people further away from me. Sad, but very true. (My commitment to honesty.)

I could go on and on. So much has truly happened that I haven't expected. Some good and some not good. It's part of life. But I think what has been most surprising to me is all of the good that has happened in my life in spite of such a bad situation. Some of it is truly funny, and that has been one of the great "cancer fallouts". I have said from the beginning I had two choices that day the doctor told us the news. I could give up and die, or I could fight and make the most of each day. I chose, and still choose the latter. And humor is a huge part of getting better. I love to laugh at situations, and love even more to laugh at myself. I can do some pretty funny stuff and trust me I don't mean to most of the time. And there has been some rough times as well. There really are people in my life who have gone the other direction for some reason. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's making them deal with their own realities, I really don't know. But it breaks my heart. There have been some day's that just aren't good for me. Some day's I have focused on the wrong things, or allowed the negative to control my thinking. I am not perfect. But what I can say is this, one of the strangest "fallouts" for me has been, in some ways this has been one of the best things to happen to me. It has changed my perspective on life in so many ways it would take me forever to write about all of them. Hopefully it is, and will make me a better human being. Hopefully, no matter how much time I have left, I will leave this world a better place than I found it. (I am not saying this is going to get me. Let's face it, we don't know how much time we have on this earth. If the Tulsa Transit ever start's running a bus route, in my neighborhood, in Owasso, and a bus comes by at the exact moment that I step into the street, and it is exceeding the speed limit of 25 mph, and it doesn't brake or swerve to miss me, I could be hit and killed by a bus!) It's possible. It' all up to me and the choices I make. Aw, I think I will save that for another day.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................