Questions To Ponder........

I know this is going to sound like a country and western song but, what would you do if your doctor told you that you had 6-9 months to live and they are going to try a medicine that may or may not work? And if it does work it will only work for a little while, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, or not at all? I know I tried to address these questions in a blog not long ago, but I don't really think I did it justice, so I am going to try again.

Let me first say, in our commitment to be ever honest, I think some misinterpret the honesty for negativity. Please don't misunderstand, we are not negative. We have never, nor are we now giving up. We will fight no matter what. But I still hold firm to the belief that we must be honest about where we are. And I share our lives, like I did in the previous blog, so that others can see life doesn't stop no matter what. Not only do we deal with the cancer, we still have to deal with life, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Not only do we deal with life, but everyday those words, you have 6-9 months left if not treated, echo in my mind. I will be 4o in August. I used to joke and say I will never make it to 40. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never joked. But as I approach my birthday, I daily examine my life and the possibility I may not be around much longer. Not something I was planning on at this point in my life. But it does cause my to examine where I am at and the kind of person I am.

Let me first say, I do not spend time looking back. I don't do the if only, or I wish I would have. I believe the past is where it belongs. I cannot go back and change anything, and any time I would spend dwelling on it, or worrying about it, is time wasted. And I also don't live today in fear or in shutdown because my day's may be numbered. I try my best, and I don't always do it well, to enjoy each day that I have and be happy. But being in the position I am now, I do think about the end. One of the things I think about quite a bit, and just shared with Rebecca not long ago is, when we discuss things in the future my first thought is always, will I be here? For example, we were discussing the kids school year next year and all I could think was will I be here. When we talk about Tyler going into high school I think, will I be a part? It makes it difficult to plan for the future. Obviously we plan like I will be here, but to say it's not in both of our minds would be a lie.

Also, being a husband, father, man and provider, I worry about what would happen to my family after I am gone. I worry about their financial situation, worry about the yard getting mowed, worry about the oil getting changed, and worry about the little things on a daily basis that I take care of. Mostly I worry about their emotional, spiritual, and physical well being. I worry about Rebecca and her sense of loss and loneliness, and pray for her strength and healing. And yes, she and I have discussed how I feel about her moving on someday, and how I feel about her getting remarried. (Which for the time being is just between us.) I think about how grateful I am that I met and married her, and thank God she is part of my life everyday no matter how long or short that time may be. What I will say is all I care about is she and the kids being happy with or without me. We have also discussed with the kids the possibility that there may come a day I won't be here anymore, and that while okay to be sad, it's also okay to move on someday and enjoy and make the most of life. (Not fun by the way.) All the while living right now like things are as normal as possible, and enjoying my time with them, imparting as much of me in them as possible. (Whether they like it or not!) We have talked about my funeral, though not in final detail. But Rebecca know they gist of what I want.

I think about my parents and the fact that your not supposed to outlive you children. As a parent now, I cannot imagine what that would be like. I am more thankful each day for them and how they raised me. I try to call them more, almost everyday, and spend as much time with them as possible. Some of the things that go through my mind are, I am glad I am not their only child, and I am grateful they have grandchildren. I think a lot about how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I think about my brother and sister and their families, and am grateful if this had to happen to one of us, it was me. I am very grateful neither of them or their families have to deal with this. I think everyday how grateful I am for my family and their love, strength, and support. And for making sure my family has what it needs everyday.

I think about all of the friends I have made through the years. I am especially grateful for the ones who continue to stick by me everyday, who stay in touch, hang out with us and are there unconditionally. It is from you and my family that we gain much of the strength we need each and everyday.

What I don't think about. And it will be random. I don't think about the end itself. It will come whether in months or years. When eating that doughnut or steak I don't think to myself I shouldn't be doing this. Now, I just do it. I don't think to myself, I need to get off the couch and go run or walk. I just don't! Actually I can't it hurts too much right now. I don't think, I really need to do a will. I just did it. And there ain't much to leave anyway! I don't think, some day I want to drive to Houston or Nashville. Well you know. I am not sad that Oprah is going off the air, I don't care. I don't think, you know I will be 40 in August, I really need to get to the doctor and have an annual check up!

This is but a part, an honest part, of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I bring it up again because I was asked again the other day about what I think about possibly nearing the end. I think about everything you can imagine and then some. I think about how many people would come to my funeral. I think about how long it will be before people don't think about me so much after I am gone. I do think about Rebecca getting remarried. I picture being at each of the kids high school graduations. I think about the IPad 4 or 5, which ever one it would be. Right now, because life hasn't stopped and there is so much going on in our lives, I am overwhelmed and can't seem to think about a whole lot. But if you noticed, like I did, there was one theme that seemed to keep coming back while I wrote this and it's gratitude. And it's true. I am continually grateful. Grateful that if this had to happen to me, this was this best point in my life for it to happen. Words will never do justice to how much I love my wife and how grateful I am for her and the kids. I am grateful for my parents and the way they stand by us, and love me unconditionally. I am grateful this happened to me and not someone else, especially not one of the kids, or my niece's or nephew. I am grateful for my friends and their love and support.

I know this was a little long and a lot of this I have written about not too long ago, but God put it on my heart and I felt led. I really don't want anyone to think the honesty is us giving up. WE ARE NOT! I just felt led to let you in a little on what goes through my head each day. We love each of you and cannot thank you enough for your support. We did get a call from Nashville yesterday and we will be going back next Tuesday for appointments on Wednesday. Hopefully after the appointment we will be starting the new medicine. Oh and do me a favor. We absolutely love it when people leave comments on our blog. Do us a favor and if you do leave a comment, and don't mind, please sign your name to it so we will know who you are. If you really just don't want to we understand, but we like seeing them and knowing who it is.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............