Acceptance

I was just reading a blog by a friend of mine about change. He used the example of people being against the changes to Facebook, and used that to talk about how life is about change and we must learn to be flexible and accept that change is going to happen no matter what. The real key is in how we handle that. As you can imagine it really struck home with me. My family has done nothing but see change in our lives for the last two years. What struck me was the part about acceptance because that to me is the key to dealing with change. So l looked up several different definitions of acceptance here is the one I liked best. Acceptance: The act of accepting; a receiving what is offered, with approbation, satisfaction, or acquiescence; esp., favorable reception; approval; as, the acceptance of a gift.

I am learning a really good lesson in my life right now. I know that things have changed. I know that things will continue to change, for better or worse. My cancer is proving to be something very uncontrollable. The last week or so I have started having nausea again, being really tired, having a very sore mouth due to the chemo, almost to the point I am having trouble eating. I am also not steeping well. Again writing this at 3:30 in the morning. I know that my body will continue to change, due to the cancer and all of the chemicals they are pumping through my body. I get it. I understand change that is out of my control better than I ever have. What I have a hard time with is the acceptance part. Usually my acceptance comes with an attitude of I will deal with it but I don't have to like it. What struck me is that all of the definitions that I read, somewhere in the definition, refered to accteing being a positive thing. Like the one above stated, "favorable reception: approval: as, the acceptance of a gift". I don't know about you but I don't see nausea and throwing up as a gift. I also know that having a new boss who you don't like doesn't seem like a gift. Nor do new job regulations or requirements. We all have those people we work with or a family member we have to accept as a "favorable gift". Surely an illness or death cannot be seen as a gift. The loss of a job, a cut in pay, an unwanted move, I could go on and on. It's all about those changes that life brings, want them or not.

I think what God is trying to impress upon me is that if I really want to find peace in all of this, if I want to be happy no matter my circumstances, is that I must accept whatever comes with the best attitude that I can possibly have. It's not easy, nor is it done over night. It is, for me, a process over time and a lot of work. There have been a VERY few times in my life where I was able to do that. And talking to and watching others, I realized those times that I and they were able to do that, those situations became non-issues for them. I didn't even think about it anymore. I just went on with whatever I was supposed to be doing, giving that situation no second thought. It didn't let it "rent any space in my brain". Maybe acceptance is seeing whatever I am dealing with as a gift. Maybe I am to focus on the good things that can come from that situation. I should focus on what I can learn through it that will make me a better person. Maybe I will learn what I don't want to be or act like. Maybe it will help me see the kind of boss I don't want to be, should I ever become the boss. It could teach me to be a better coworker. Maybe a better family member or friend. I do know that if I can do any of this, and it's a big if, I will grow and become a better person. It's hard to see throwing up or being nauseas as gift, but I still have to focus on the good. Like, I could be in bed waiting for the end. At least I can walk to the bathroom to throw up! And at least I can walk to my medicine cabinet to get my nausea medicine when I need it. And driinking a malt or shake when I can't swallow food, well they are never bad things! It's ice cream for crying out loud! Is acceptance a gift. Today yes. Talk to me tomorrow and the answer may be different! But what I do know is this, it is another challenge in life that if I allow it, can make me a better person. Change will come no matter what, the question is what will I do with it? And will I see it for the gift that it can be? Stay tuned..........

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....................

Update

Well if you live around here and don't love this weather something is wrong with you. Of course the three days of the coolest weather we had here I had to spend in Houston where it was still 100 degrees! But this weekend the rain and cool weather has been great. We truly, like most, needed the rain. It was wonderful to sit last night and watch the thunder, listen to the rain and watch the Sooners beat Florida State!

Several have asked me how I am doing, and more specifically how I am doing on this new drug. The short answer is ok. The long answer is longer, thus being called the long answer. I had gotten rid of the nausea, but it seems to be coming back in the afternoons. I am having some short dizzy spells and light headedness, but luckily I haven't fallen. I am in a lot more pain these days. There are several theories as to why. I feel like there are several reasons, really a combination of many. One, the most obvious, the cancer. Two I think after a year and five rounds of different kinds of chemo. my body is wearing out. After having conversations with my mother and wife, and listening to the things they have read and researched, the chemo. just wears your body out. On top of that having bone and joint degeneration makes me hurt all over. The trips to Houston are getting harder on my body. It usually takes me two or three days to recover from the travel alone. For whatever reason the tests have shown that my liver and spleen are swollen which I am sure attributes to some of the pain. My kidney functions are off and my hemoglobin is still down. I know that may not mean much to most of you, nor to me, but I think they contribute to how I feel. One of the fears we have is your organs can only take so much, and chemo., after a period of time, starts to damage those organs. I think we are starting to see some of that. I don't seem to have many obvious side effects from this new drug. I think my body is getting tired and worn out from fighting the cancer and all of the drugs they have put in my body. THANKFULLY, most days I am able to function pretty well. I do have those days that I can't do anything, but they aren't as often. The biggest obstacle is I still don't have a lot of energy. But as I have stated many times, it could be worse. And I am ever grateful that it is not. Overall on a scale of 1 to 10 I would say that I am about a 5 or 6. GIve or take a little each day. And for those of you who live with pain everyday, I have a lot more respect for you. I am having to learn to just live with most of the pain and it is a tough thing to do.

I also want to take a minute to say a huge thank you to my family. I have been reminded lately how much they mean to me, and what huge sacrifices several of them have and continue to make so that I can not only fight this fight, but get the best care in the world. I have been reminded here lately that this is incredibly hard on them to go through this with me. The bottom line, I may not be here today if not for the love, support, sacrifices, and selflessness of my family. So when you pray for me, say a prayer for my family as well. I am not and have not traveled this road alone and I am so grateful for each one of them. Thank you guys. I love you all!

Well Rebecca and I are going to enjoy our Sunday. It is the only day of the week that we don't have soccer, football, band, school, work, doctor's appointments or anything else. It is our only day to sit on the couch and relax, and today we are going to watch football and chill out. And hopefully refuel for another busy week. I hope that answers some of the questions. And again thank you to each of you for your love and support. We simply couldn't do this without you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

August the 30th was the one year anniversary of the second worst phone call I have ever received. I knew in the back of my mind the cancer had returned. But for me it was still hard to hear. My life had changed before that day. The first cancer phone call and all we went through that first year took care of that. I was truly living life differently. I had just been elected the Third Vice-President of the Oklahoma State Fraternal Order of Police. A huge honor and responsibility I was truly looking forward to. Things at work were good. Things at home were great with the wife and family. We were working towards hopefully buying a home. The kids were settled in, all was great. Yet somehow I knew in the back of my mind that if that day ever came, if the cancer ever returned, things would change drastically. If I had only know just how good my fortune telling abilities were.

And so the whirlwind began. Surgery, tests, and finally a trip to MD Anderson began what has been more of a journey than I could ever have imagined. One year later, hard to imagine in a lot of ways, seems like forever in others. I wish that I could say that it has been a great journey of self discovery and growth, during a time where I have been able to answer some of life's mysteries, solve long lived problems, and found a peace that passes all understanding. As I stated above, the year after the initial diagnosis, I was living differently. I valued life more. I slowed down a little bit. I didn't take as many things for granted, put my family and friends first, tired to be better at everything I did. But the changes that lay ahead were more than I ever bargained for. Because of the physical part of the treatments and surgeries I had to walk away from work. Something I have never done before. I was a workaholic. I wasn't able to perform my duties as Third Vice-President like I had wanted. It seemed even during those times I felt okay, I always had a doctor's appointment or a treatment or surgery when a responsibility came up that I needed to be a part of. I slowly had to start to give up the things I loved like fishing or playing golf. In the beginning I could stil do certain things like mow the yard, or work in the shop, things that would keep me busy. But slowly over time I have had to give those things up as well. (The one good thing is I have been able to spend a lot more time with the family and that is always a great thing.) Now days I spend most of my time stuck on the couch or in bed. As I have stated in previous blogs I am much more sick these days. Nausea, vomiting, fever, pain, and on and on. It has become very tough for me. Someone who is used to be constantly on the move. is now stuck doing nothing but sitting. And the trips to different states for treatments are starting to wear thin. And treatments, we are on our fourth different treatment, none of which have worked. And as one ends and another begins, it is becoming more difficult to be positive and upbeat that the new one is going to work. A year later, here we are, still fighting, still trying to find something that will work. And as I knew back then deep down inside, it is getting worse.

I share all of that because I made a commitment to be honest about how I feel. And a many days that is how I feel. Frustrated, scared, tired, sick, and simply worn out from it all. People don't call as much anymore. I don't talk to as many people as I used to. I have too much time to sit and think. So what now? That is a question I have asked myself a lot here lately. What do I do now? How do I continue to find the strength I need to keep on fighting? It is a question that is continually evolving. I haven't gotten there yet. I pray a lot more. I lean on my wife and family more than I ever thought I could or would. Then I make a trip to Houston and walk around and see others who are fighting and I realize several things. One, I am being selfish feeling sorry for myself. Two, I ain't the only one in the world in this position. It could be a whole lot worse than it is. I also realize how good I have it in so many ways. God continues to take care of us. Our needs are met every month, the kids are taken care of, even the dog gets to eat. It's all about my focus and what I chose to spend my time thinking about and focusing on. It's not a complicated or new theory. If I focus on the negative, I will be negative. If I focus on the positive I will be positive. It's really that simple, but not always easy. So I have to work a little harder at it, its good for me. I never thought this would drag out so long either. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I expected faster, one way or another. So, and yes I am going to say it, patience is slowly becoming a lesson I am being taught. Notice I didn't say learning. I am not even begin to explain or give any sort of dissertation on patience. As I am sitting here writing this the air conditioner in our bedroom went out. It's always something.

So one year later we press on. We continue to do our best to put one foot in front of the other. Some days are good, some not so good. The lessons I have learned and continue to learn are sometimes easy and sometimes hard, but in the end it's worth it. And as always I must give my wife a huge amount of credit. She continues to be there for me, and take care of me without complaining, not expecting anything in return. She has had to take on even more now that school has started, taking the kids to practice, school, and all their other activiites. She continues to work and take care of things around the house. She is absolutely amazing. The kids are doing well, busy as ever. We won't know until mid October if the new medicine is working or not. It's another round of hurry up and wait. You would think the we would be used to it by now, but apparently not. It's still hard as ever. Thankfully, at least for the time being, the weather has cooled off a great deal and I am hoping I will be able to get out and work around the yard a little. I think some fresh air and cool weather will do me some good. Thank you again to all of you for your prayers and support. We could't do it without you. Hopefully this new medicine will work at least enough to help me feel better. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to focus on the good things in life. Because even in the midst of all of this, there is still more good in my life than bad. And I think it's fitting that I am going through these changes during the change of season's outside. I think for me it's all about growth and knowing that I can change and grow no matter how good or bad things may get. I just have to keep my focus on the good, be open to the lessons that God is trying to teach me, and strive to be the man he wants me to be no matter the circumstances. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, no, one moment at a time.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

Catch Up

Well I know it has been a while since I last blogged. We are wrapping up a week long stay in Houston that quite simply hasn't been fun. We have been here since last Sunday. The weeks leading up to the trip were crazy to say the least. School started for all three kiddos, so you can imagine how busy we were, (okay how busy Rebecca was) getting them ready for school. During most of that time I was sick, really sick. I ran a fever, had terrible nausea, and was throwing up. Along with all of that had zero energy. My blood pressure was running consistently around 95/45 and all I did was sleep. I ate maybe once every other day and lost about 10 pounds. Not fun at all. The tumor under my arm continued, and continues to grow, causing quite a bit of pain.

The trip to Houston was to be tested for a new clinical trial. And when I say tested, I mean tested. One of the things they found was that I am very anemic, which is part of what was causing me to be so sick. They gave me two pints of blood in a transfusion on Wednesday and so far it has helped a little bit. On Monday we were at the hospital from 9 am to 9 pm. I had meetings with the doctor and nurses, had a bone scan, had blood work, and had CT scans. We were off on Tuesday which was great because it was my birthday. Wednesday was much of the same, being at the hospital from 8:30 am to 10:30 pm. Thursday was 9 am to 4:30 pm and Friday was all morning with and upper GI. And I can say that not only do I feel like a lab rat, but a pin cushion as well. I have never been stuck with so many needles in all my life. I was tested in every way possible, and it absolutely wore me out. The good news, I guess, is that I qualify for and started the new medication. It is in the second phase and they don't know much about it and don't have a lot of results to go off of. What it does in theory is stop the blood flow to the cancer. Cancer likes a lot of blood flow and cannot survive without it. But being so new we simply don't know what to expect. I have to do a lot more work with this drug. I have to keep a daily log of when I take it, and keep a daily journal of how I am feeling and any side effects. I also, for the first six weeks, have to return to Houston every two weeks for check ups. One of the side effects that they watch closely is that it can cause your blood pressure to go way up. So we will see what happens.

I think we would all agree, we each know our bodies pretty well. In the weeks between the last dose of drugs in Nashville, and this trip to Houston, I knew things were changing. The tumor under my arm was growing at an alarming rate, plus not feeling well, I suspected in the back of my mind that the cancer was moving and growing again. When we met with the doctor on Wednesday my feelings were confirmed. The cancer is spreading and growing again. There is new cancer in more lymph nodes under my arm, there is now cancer in my chest cavity, and there is quite a bit more in my lungs, especially my right lung. It's called metastatic, or in transit. And it is quite a bit more. They noted that my liver and spleen are swollen, but show no masses. As I stated above I am very anemic, and am having some other problems like the nausea and vomiting, which they cannot figure out. I have very little energy and not much of an appetite. I have a lot of pain from the tumor under my arm and deal with it the best I can.

We have been doing this long enough now that when we get bad news like we did in the doctors office we handle it a lot better, at least in the moment. I sat down yesterday and read the report again and it finally sank in that the cancer is moving again, and it hit a little harder. Thankfully it has stayed out of the rest of my vital organs, but knowing that it is moving and growing again, fast, worries us. We hope the new drug will do it's job. And I have to be honest, I am tired. I mentioned in a blog a while ago that this was turning into a marathon and I was right. The other thing I don't like is not being able to do the things I was able to not long ago like mowing and weed eating, working in my shop, playing golf, and working around the house. Most days I am relegated to the couch or the bed. And that is tough for me. Some day's I have to dig even deeper to find the strength I need. But, as always we have only one choice, keep going. Not giving up or giving in. We continue to do our best to put one foot in front of the other and deal with whatever comes. I turned 40 last week and turning 40 is usually a big deal, but for me it was and even bigger deal. Much more meaningful. When all this started two years ago, I didn't know if I would still be here to celebrate it. But I am, and now I am old. Or at least that's what the kids say. And I don't know how old I feel, but I feel old! So we embark on our next phase in this journey, not knowing what lies ahead. But we will continue to try and keep life as normal as possible, and fight with all we have. Next week will be a reminder how life doesn't stop. The kids have soccer practice Monday and Friday, Tuesday and Thursday, and Tyler has football everyday after school. We haven't quite figured out how we are going to pull it all off, but it will be fun to say the least! (And it will be that way for months until soccer is over!) Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. We need them now more than ever. I will try and do a better job of blogging and keeping everyone updated.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath......................

Another Trip

Well for those who may not know we just returned from another trip to Houston. With school starting soon, and not being able to do anything with the kids this summer, we decided to take them with us. They have wanted to go all along, to see what we do, so we decided this would be the best time. And I have to say that they did really well, they behaved great. They loved the hotel room, especially the 10th floor, with huge windows that you could look out and see lot's of Houston. Not to mention the swimming pool. We had a little bit of free time so we were able to take them to the Holocaust Museum and the Museum of Natural Science. Both of which were very interesting, even for me. The Holocaust Museum was incredible. It was a great reminder to me that no matter how bad things can get for me, it could always be worse. Not to mention not being able to grasp how one human being can do those kinds of things to another human being. But that is a blog for another day. Believe it or not, it was actually a little cooler there than it was here, and I mean only a little bit. And it actually rained several times. Okay, I will stop.

On the medical front, not much has changed. The only scan they did was an MRI of the brain. The good news is it was once again clear. They didn't do any CT scans because Nashville had done them so recently. Turns our Nashville didn't so the same scans MD does, and we were all hoping they had done scans. They were able to tell that the tumor in my left lung is the size of a quarter. The tumor under my arm is growing. When we asked the doctor about radiation to shrink the tumor, he stated they didn't like to use radiation because if they do, and the cancer comes back in that area in the future, any chemo. would be less effective due to the radiation. So we aren't going to do any, especially since I have had so much cancer in that area. Basically what is going to happen now is I will again become part of a clinical trial at MD Anderson. It is a drug that is based upon a drug that was created to fight colon cancer. It has been very successful on the colon cancer, and because of the success was tried against breast cancer but was unsuccessful. And it is brand new so there are no numbers to look at, no success or failure rates, we are starting from scratch. So the next step will be they will call me and set up and appointment for a physical. Then, if that goes well, we will get started on the medication. I will have to go to Houston at least once a month, like I did in Nashville, to have test's done and pick up my medication. It too is a pill I will take everyday, and has most of the same side effects the last one did. That's all we know about it at his point. We won't know anymore until we go back down and meet with the doctor in charge of the study. I would be lying at this point if I said I wasn't a little tired. Tired of trying things and them not working. Tired of the side effects that seem to be getting worse. Tired of not working or doing anything. Tired of traveling to Nashville and Houston. But it is still better than the alternative. So we carry on. We are glad to be back at MD Anderson. That is where we are comfortable. And the doctor who is in charge of the study is in the melanoma group with our doctor there, so that makes us feel better. I also like the drive there better than the one to Nashville.

Well that is about it for now. We are getting ready for school to start. I think the kids are ready, which is amazing. Everything else is well, except for this heat and lack of rain. Hopefully we will get started on the new drug sooner, rather than later. As soon as we know something we will let everyone know.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

Back to Houston

We I am pretty sure that I haven't said this lately but it is hot and dry here. Really hot and really dry. Did I tell you it's hot here, oh and dry, really dry. I cannot believe I am gonna say this but it is making snow look really good, and I am not a big fan of snow. I tried to do some things outside yesterday but it was just miserable and I couldn't stay out there.

I made a commitment to be honest on here so that is what I am going to do today. Last week when we got home from Nashville, I was in a bad place. A really bad place. As I stated in the last blog this is the first time we have never had a game plan. When we got home the reality of it all set in. We are running out of options. No one seems to know what to do and everything we try fails. And I allowed myself to get lost in my head and all of the what if's. Finally on Friday I made myself get up and mow the yard. (And yes it was really hot and dry!) My wonderful wife knows me all too well and knows how to handle me. She quietly supported me, and checked on me, and reminded me that we are in this thing together. We were able to spend and evening together with the kids outside grilling steaks and playing football and it was just what I needed. Then this morning I received and email from an old friend from my childhood days that I have lost touch with. He reminisced about childhood memories and gave me words of encouragement. It was just what I needed. I have had several people who talk about how well we have handled all of this. People have complimented us on our resolve and attitude since this started and overall we have been positive and upbeat. We made a commitment to face this head on with a positive attitude, tried to keep life as normal as possible, done what the doctor's have said, stuck together as a family. And we will continue to do the same thing. We will continue to face this head on with a great attitude, humor, and as much strength as we can muster.

Why I share all of this today is that I am reminded that I am human. I am going to have those "days". I will tell you, this is the most scared I have been through this entire two year journey. I will also say that after almost a year of surgeries and brutal treatments, I have a hard time some days getting excited about doing more. I will not lie, there have been brief moments where I have thought about saying enough is enough. But I can also say that the will to live usually gives me all the motivation that I need to get busy again, whatever the treatment may be. I guess I share all of this because we said we would always be honest about what is going on. And the other reason is to again say thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. It always seems like I get a text message or phone call or email from someone at just the right time. And it isn't about the words that are said, it's about the contact with someone who cares. So thank you. I am much better now, I guess you could say I am back.

On another note, as soon as we got home I got in touch with MD Anderson. After several days of communicating with them we have an appointment next Thursday the 28th. We are looking forward to that and will let you all know what is said and done.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........................................

Strange

Well we are home after a very long 10 hour drive. I have to be honest, if I never have to make that drive again I won't be sad. It is a long tough drive and you would think that it would wear me out to the point I wouldn't have any trouble sleeping yet here I am at 4:00 in the morning. I am sure the wonderful 10 hours of sleep I got last night are playing a factor in the sleeplessness as well. I guess I need to find balance in my sleep too.

You know the other thing a ten hour drive allows for is time to think. And with the news we got from the doctor yesterday, I had plenty to think about. (Which may also play into my sleep deprivation tonight.) I thought about a lot. Way to much to try and squeeze into a single blog. But two things keep coming to the forefront for me today. The first is that was the first time we have left a doctors office, through this whole process, without a game plan. All of the other times when something didn't work the doctors had another idea or plan of action to try next. Something to look forward to. Okay, maybe not the right words, but at least a plan of action which gave us the ability to keep going mentally and spiritually. Yesterday, nada, nothing, the proverbial scratching of the head. He gave us a couple of thoughts, but his exact words were, I am just thinking out loud and off the top of my head. Not very reassuring. His last words to my wife, because I had already left the room due to frustration about the way things had gone with the nurses and doctor prior to the final conversation, were don't give up. (And let me say this, one thing we have learned is this is our care, I am the patient and the doctor works for me. And it's okay, as long as I do it in the right manner, to express my displeasure with their timelessness, and manner in which they were doing things. And I did just that. And I finally reached a point at the end that I had to leave the room. It's my life we are talking about and beating around the bush doesn't work with me. I am done with my disclaimer.) And give up we are not. But we find ourselves in new territory. A new kind of limbo. No answers, no game plans, no good place to start looking again for a solution.

And it reminded me that I am weird. The biochemo at the beginning could have killed me, but I was eating cheeseburgers, not throwing up, walking around etc. The regular chemo same thing. A few small side effects but not like most. This last one that was supposed to be easy, bout killed me. And I don't look like a cancer patient. My hair has never fallen out, as bad as I wanted it to. I want to be bald. I haven't lost much weight at all. Was hoping to drop a few. Am still mostly self sufficient. I still have days I can mow the yard, weed eat, work on things and enjoy life, dialed down a little. I don't look like a stage 4 cancer patient. Someone said the other day, you don't look like you are as sick as you are. And I don't. And don't get me wrong I am very grateful for that. I thank God everyday that I am able to do those things when I can. But I am just not typical. Nothing about any of this has been typical if there is such a thing. I am just strange and that's okay. It keeps things interesting. Never boring.

What is the most strange though is the not knowing what to do now. There isn't anything to plan for, or prepare for mentally. There are no plans that need to be made in reference to extended stays in hospitals, or treatments at doctor's offices. There are no scans planned in a few months, or doctor's appointments to ready for. Nothing. And it is a strange place to be. And a quite bit scary. There is nothing to take your mind off of the what ifs. There's nothing to keep your mind busy or occupied. As I stated above, it's a new form of limbo. So time to come up with a plan of action. All we know at this point is I am going to try and meet with my oncologist here at home. Bring him up to date and get any ideas he may have. One of the things that the doctor in Nashville suggested was radiation for the tumor under my arm. If it continues to grow we are afraid it will affect the usage in my right arm, as I stated in my last blog. We will also get back in contact with MD Anderson and make an appointment with them to see if they have any ideas. And hopefully we can get that done sooner rather than later. And that is really about it on the cancer front at this point. What I am hoping for at this point is a great amount of rain so that my grass grows really fast every week so I can mow more. Or maybe I will build a bird house. One with a garage door, motion lighting and a sprinkler system. There is the huge amount of holes the dog is finding necessary to dig in our backyard, but I think I will let the kids fix those. There is always golf for anyone who wants to take me, but I cannot promise I can hold on to the clubs in my back swing. In all seriousness, we continue on. Laughing when we can, crying when we need to, yelling a little when necessary, and putting one foot in front of the other. That's all we can do.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................