Raised Bed Garden

Last Saturday morning Rebecca and I awoke and found ourselves in a very strange place. It occured to us both that we actually had two days with no kids and no plans. Two whole days with nothing, nada, zip, zero, nothing to do. I should have known better. I knew she would have something up her sleeve, and sure enough it wasn't long before she was informing me of a new project.

She has always, even though we haven't done much of it, enjoyed planting and gardening. The problem is we live in a rent house and are limited to what we can do. So her resolution was something called a raised bed garden. We then began look at different examples on the Internet and finally found one she liked. It stands about waist high and is around 8"-12" deep and could be as big or small as you want to make it. After some discussion I was sold and we were off to Lowe's. (Of course it was an easy sell for me because it involved lumber and power tools!) After spending about an hour buying the material, we were home and off to work in the garage on our latest project. On Sunday evening we were able to stand back and look proudly at the finished project waiting to nurture and grow what I am sure will be the best tasting vegetables in the world!

What's my point you ask? Well, it is something even I wasn't expecting. I think I have a good relationship with my wife. We have our moments like all couples do, but for the most part we have a great relationship. What I found was this was one of the best things we have done for our marriage in a long time. First of all, it got us out of the house and away from the television. Even with me not working, it has become so easy for us to sit in front of the TV during our down time and simply zone out. Not communicating or spending any real quality time together. The second thing was it gave us a very attainable common goal, and the satisfaction of accomplishing that goal, and seeing the end result. I think it can help us with our long term goals as well. Seeing what we are capable of when we work together, and seeing how well we work together. We never argued or disagreed the whole time, not once. It gave me the satisfaction of teaching my wife to use power tools, and the joy of watching her discover that she liked working with wood, using tools, and building something. (And come to find out, she is very good at it!) And for someone like me, a male with a very Type A personality, it was good to stand back and not completely take over. And it was good for me to teach someone else something while not trying to control them the whole time. Part of learning to let go and let someone else. It gave us two days of exercising our bodies and minds while enjoying each others company. It gave us the chance to talk like we hadn't in a while. And we did.

So I guess my point is this. I will now look for other common tasks we can accomplish together. Not only did we build something that we can physically touch, and something that we can use on a daily basis, but we built something in our marriage that we can continue to build on. We made memories those two days in our garage, with no one else around. We strengthened our bond, our communication, and our sense of teamwork. And the best part is I got two days of being with my wife. Priceless.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................

Facing My Realities

I was asked by someone this week to share my thoughts on living and dying. The request was based on the question, if you were told you had a year to live, what would you do? On the surface it seems a simple question. And I think that many times when posed with that question most of us have a simple, almost rehearsed answer. Most of us have a bucket list. Travel, spending more time with family, quitting our jobs, are some of the things I have heard and even said myself. The reality of an honest answer can be quite different. I have learned that over the last year in facing my own mortality. As always, I try to be honest here and this will be no exception.



For me it is a difficult question to answer. I have thought a lot about it since asked, and I don't know that I will share all of how I feel about it at this point. Let me first of all say this, the doctor's have not given me a set amount of time. I have never been told, you have six months, a year, or two years to live. So to honestly answer how I would feel if I had been told I have a year left simply isn't possible. We know the statistics for someone in my position. And I have definitely been put in a position to ponder my own mortality. I can tell you a few of the reasons I don't have a "bucket list". The first is money. I hear people say when answering that question that they would quit their jobs and travel. I giggle when I hear that because that tells me they have money stashed away somewhere. I don't, so travel will not be an option! One of the other things I hear is, I would quit my job. So far, the cancer has taken care of that for me! Do I have a few things I would like to do before I die? Of course I do. Maybe I will get to do them, maybe not. What I will focus more on as the weather continues to warm is playing as much golf as possible and doing as much fishing as possible. Besides my family, those are the things I most enjoy after all.

I think we all have regrets in life. I know that there are certain things that we would all change if we could go back. But we can't. As I have looked back on my life the things that I regret the most are the times I hurt those closest to me. And as I look to my life in the future my goal is to live in a way that causes no more pain to those people. A person once told me the best way to make amends to those we have hurt it to never repeat those mistakes and never hurt them again. At this point in my life one of my biggest regrets isn't what I did, it's what I am not able to do. My wife and I are fairly simple people. We don't care about possessions or toys. Our biggest goal in life is to buy a place with land and a house, in the country, where we could raise the kids and some animals. We had begun working toward that last summer. Now, with me being sick and not working it won't happen anytime soon. Not being able to help see one of your wife's dreams come true is hard. Along the same lines I could see how it would be easier for someone in my position to go out and do or buy a few things on that bucket list. Rebecca and I both would love to have a new truck. But one thing I realized early on is that I still must be smart about how we spend money. I still have a family to take care of and me being irresponsible would not be fair to them. Another reason I don't have a bucket list.

In the final analysis what I think about life and death, and looking at it from a perspective of having a short amount of time left, is really pretty simple. I am a Christian and know where I am going. I don't spend a lot of time wondering about heaven. I know that my pea brain can never comprehend it. When I get there, I will know. For my life on earth and how ever much time I have left, I simply hope for peace and happiness. Really what we all want I think. I am not an intellectual. I am a simple person with simple hopes and dreams. I hope for as much time as possible to spend with my family. When I do think about passing on what grieves me the most is losing them. Period. It makes my heart hurt in ways I cannot describe. What gives me the most joy when I think about living is my family. Period. I think for me it is more an issue of balance. I am learning to enjoy each day more than I ever have, but still do the things that are required of me each day. Paying bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, the world doesn't stop just because I am sick. I try my best to instill in our kids what I have learned and believe, and do the best to help them become their best. I try harder to be the best husband I can be, and show my wife how much I love her. I try to face this challenge of cancer, no matter it's results, with strength, dignity, humor, and resolve. Hoping that it will teach our children how to face life. I try each day, sometimes without doing them well, to be more compassionate, understanding, caring and tolerant. I think more these days about leaving this place better than I found it.

Those are but a few of my thoughts. One thing I am finding is that even the way I think and feel about life and death is, in some ways, an ever changing process. I guess one thing that doesn't change is I try to focus most of my energy on getting well. We have a long ways to go with no guarantee's. But no matter what I will never give up fighting, not only to stay alive, but to enjoy whatever time I have left.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Feb. Update

Well I am back home this weekend after being in Houston all last week. My parents and I left on Tuesday to go south and beat the winter storm. On Thursday I had all my tests, CT's, MRI, blood work etc. On Friday morning they did a Fine Needle Aspiration (better know as a biopsy) of the tumor under my arm. It wasn't the best trip in the world for several reasons but at least it is over for now.

One of the frustrating things that happened this trip was my doctor's appointment got scheduled for Thursday morning at 9:30, before I had my CT scan or my MRI done. It is kind of difficult for the doctor to make a diagnosis, or give a progress report on how I am doing without seeing any scans. After several phones calls to the nurse, it was decided by the doctor that I would still see him Thursday morning. It was a waste of time. (I did ask what happened and was told whoever scheduled the two day's made a mistake.) Later that day I went to another clinic there at MD Anderson to have my pick line cleaned and the bandage changed. (The pick line is the tube in my left arm that is used to inject the chemo. into me.) It has six stitches holding to my bicep. One of the stitches had pulled out so the nurse had to redo it. So she decided to redo all three on that side. She forgot to deaden the bottom one before she started stitching it. It wasn't that it hurt that bad, it was just another one of those frustrating things. And the biopsy, all I will say is they took a needle that looks like a drinking straw and stuck it in my three different times. Now I have three holes in my side. The biopsy is will be tested to see if my cancer has the mutation I spoke about a few blogs ago. It should take three to four weeks to get the results back.

With the doctor's appointment mistake, they told me they would call me on Friday morning and let me know the results. It's a little too confusing and time consuming to go into too much depth about all the dynamics, but when we met with the doctor and physician's assistant on Thursday we were left with the impression that they wouldn't do surgery. As I told my parent's and wife I was confused because surgery had been discussed at our last appointment. The physician's assistant called Friday morning and gave us the results. The tumor under my arm is shrinking and some of the cancer in it is dying. The ones in my lungs and abdomen area are not showing much shrinkage. Some are shrinking, it is just not significant. The good news is there is no new growths and it hasn't spread anywhere new. And the ones that are there aren't growing. So again, not bad news, just not the news we were hoping for. My cancer is being stubborn. One of the things I did ask the doctor was how much more chemo. can my body take? For whatever reason I am handling the chemo. very well. Most people only get six rounds before the side effects become too much. (To look at me, you would never know I was sick.) He said I should be able to handle at least two more rounds which would put me at eight rounds. So at the end of the phone call, the physician's assistant said the doctor was recommending two more rounds of chemo. About thirty minutes later I got another phone call from the physician's assistant. She told me that the doctor, after spending more time looking at my scans and after more discussion, had changed his mind and was now recommending surgery to remove the tumor under my arm. So the decision was made, the next step will be surgery in Houston. We don't know when it will be. They are supposed to schedule it and call me this week to let me know. We are hoping that it will be before the end of the month. Once I am completely healed after the surgery I will resume some sort of chemo. I have to be totally healed before I can do more chemo. so we don't have a set time frame.

Believe it or not, that is the short version. It was a stressful few days for us, but we continue on. Hopefully the biopsy results will show the mutation and I will be able to switch to a different type of chemo. and see if it will be more effective in killing my cancer. As soon as we have a schedule for the surgery I will update everyone.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................................

Voices.........

I am sitting in the hotel in Houston as I begin writing this. I am watching the morning news shows and laughing as I watch them talk about the horrible cold weather. It's 26 degrees. Sorry that's not that cold. Some schools are even starting late due to the cold. They are asking people to conserve power here due to the cold. Last week, because of cold weather, they had rolling blackouts here! But I was reminded that a huge part of life is all about perspective and what we are used to. They simply don't have to deal with winter like we do in Oklahoma, and we don't have to deal with winter like they do in Kansas or Nebraska. It is all relative.

I am going to get on my equally sided rectangular object, or soap box. I will be the first to say the technology has, and continues, to transform our lives. Everything continues to change and evolve. Microwaves, TV's, cell phones, computers, cars and on and on. I even saw an advertisement for a car the other day that will now give audible facebook updates! (I think that is going a little too far.) If it weren't for modern technology I may not be doing as well as I am. And I will admit that I am somewhat of a gadget junkie. I like to have the latest and greatest, even though I am not good at using them. As a matter of fact, I really don't even know how to use half of what my computers and phone are capable of. But what I have realized is that one of the downfalls of modern technology is we are losing human interaction. Face to face, voice to voice interaction. Between text messages, email, facebook updates, and instant messaging, many of us choose those as the means by which we communicate. And don't get me wrong, I am guilty as well. Those means of communicating have their place and time. Sometimes they are easier and more convenient. I am one who uses a blue tooth headset because I don't like having to hold the phone up to the side of my head. I ask myself the question, have we gotten to lazy? Do we rely on convenience too much?

For me the answer is yes. I have realized over the last several months that I have come to rely too heavily on these tools. I think it is a sad editorial of myself that I can infer emotions in text messages with the ones I am closest to. I have come to miss some of that interaction with others. What I am learning is that not only do I miss it, sometimes I need it. (Not to mention I am getting really tired of texting!) It goes back to what I wrote about not long ago. We are not meant to be alone. Relationships with others is one of the most important things in my life. I need to take more time to make phone calls and actually speak with others. I need to take more time to have a meal, or share a cup of coffee with those I care about. And sometimes, and there really is no way around it for me, I need to spend time with them, not send them emails. I need to hear their voice, not send them text messages. Sometimes hearing their voice can fix a day gone bad, calm a fear that is getting out of control, give a sense of peace that I cannot find anywhere else, and put a smile on my face. Sometimes I just need to hear a voice.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............................

Running out of titles.............

Man it is quiet in the house this Sunday morning. The kids are gone and Rebecca is still sleeping. I enjoy quiet much more than I used to. It gives me time to sit, be quiet, and reflect, if I choose to, and I have to be honest, I don't always choose to. I am learning that there are some times thinking too much at this point in my life isn't always a good thing. But I am learning to enjoy it every chance I get.



I was sent the link to a blog this week written by a man who is a journalist and melanoma survivor. (He is a much better writer!) The first post I read was about his struggle to be honest about his feelings. As any who follow my blog will know, I try my best to always be honest about where I am at and what I am feeling. So it was good to read about someone else's struggle to be open and honest. I have to admit, there are things that go through my head almost on a daily basis that I simply don't share with anyone. And I think for a multitude of reasons. One of them being I have learned that some people simply aren't prepared to hear certain things. I shouldn't expect people to always understand my fears or concerns. I also am careful not to share certain things because I don't ever want anyone to think that I focus on the bad in this thing. But for me to not have those thoughts and fears is unrealistic. I have yet to figure out how to be fear free. Fear is after all a God given, self-preserving instinct. I also believe, and this isn't rocket science, that I have to deal with my fears but not focus on them, or maybe a better way to say it is I cannot obsess on them. But all of this got me to thinking, how do I expect others to respond when I ask them how they are doing?

We all do it. When we see someone we know it is natural to ask, how are you? Do I expect an honest answer from them, or do I simply want the proverbial everything is good response? Do I expect the same honesty from the check-out person at the store as I do from my best friend? Am I prepared to be a good listener no matter who needs to talk? Simply put, I don't expect the check-out person to be as honest as a friend. And I hope that my wife will always answer more honestly than anyone else. But the question that I have come to ask myself, no matter who I ask is, do I really want the truth? Am I concerned enough about others to be prepared to listen when I ask? What is my motivation? Keep in mind, I don't think the check-out line at the grocery store is the time or place, but, I still must ask myself if I really care about them. Or am I too concerned about me and my life that I cannot focus on someone else, even for a few minutes.

Many people have asked me if this journey through cancer has changed me and my perspective on life. Simply put yes. It would take years to write about all of the ways. And I am starting to learn that this is one area I haven't done well in. Too many days it has been too easy to focus on only me and my problems. I have not been the kind of husband, father, son, brother, friend, or human being I should be. I haven't really wanted people to be honest with me when I ask them how they are doing. I haven't done much to serve others. So the question now is what will I do about it? Am I willing to get out of myself and focus on someone else, even if for a moment? Will I be willing to listen to someone who may need to talk? Will I do more for others without any expectiation of any reward? Can I get out of my own way?

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............................

Well it has been a while, I know. I am not sure why. One reason is since the last medical update there isn't any new medical news. I did finish another round, and started on the latest one yesterday. I suppose I could call it writers block, but I am not a writer. The treatments are getting tougher and I haven't felt well most days. But I guess no matter what I call it, the bottom line is I just haven't felt like it. I wouldn't say that I have been depressed, but some days I have been down. I try my hardest to stay positive no matter what but I guess I am also human and this is turning out to be a long process.

I guess God knows what I need when I need it. Over the last couple of days he has brought people back into my life that I haven't spoken to or seen in a while. As some of you know I am a member of the Oklahoma Fraternal Order of Police. I know some people have there opinions of us overall so if you do keep them to yourself! What we are is a bunch of Police Officers who simply take care of one another and fight for what we feel is right. The FOP has been incredible to my family and I during this time. Anything I have needed has been done. They have supported us in ways that still humble me to my knees. I got to spend the weekend with many of them I don't see very often and it was just what I needed. Hearing them and their genuine love and support what just what the doctor ordered. There is no better organization or group of people in the world. Yesterday I was contacted by a family that I have known but not spoke with in years. They shared their stories of cancer, and have already become a great support. Then I received a phone call from an old friend who has been great at staying in touch with me.

I attended a funeral on Friday that was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Her name was Jennifer Mansell. I met Jennifer around 12 years ago. She was a Tulsa Police Officer and a cancer survivor. She battled breast cancer for 10 years and it finally won last Monday night. Cancer again took one of the truly great ones. She was one I could call on anytime and knew she would be there for me. Even though she worked for a bigger department, she never looked down on me or treated me any different than she did anyone else. She was honest, hard working, and loved life. Sitting at the funeral, (which if you have never been to a Police Officers funeral I strongly suggest it, there is no other like it) I was reminded of how tight a bond we have has Police Officers, and saw how many lives she touched during her time on earth. Obviously Jennifer and I have at least two things in common and sitting through the funeral brought a whole new range of emotions for me at this point in my life.

But what I came away with from all of this is the reminder that family and friends is what we have here, period. Money, possessions, toys, none of it matters. I wrote a blog a while ago about God not giving us more that we can handle. I wrote about one of the ways that God does that for me is through all of the people in my life. My family and I cannot do this on our own. God uses each of you to give us the strength we need each day. I was reminded that I cannot isolate myself from the world no matter how I feel. We were not intended to be alone. I have a friend who used to say if God wanted me alone he would have put me on my own planet. He was right. Thank you to each of you for all you do for us. As I have said many times before, we simply cannot do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......................

Update

Sorry, I should have done this sooner. We went to Houston this week for a scheduled exam and doctor's appointment. We had Christmas with Rebecca's side of the family yesterday at our house. We got back from Houston late Wednesday night so I haven't taken the time to sit down and write.

So the latest. After another wonderful round of CT and MRI scans and x-ray's, we met with the doctor. I won't go into great detail but the visit didn't start off well. The physician's assistant went over the Radiologist's report with us. Based on what she said, there wasn't much change in the size of the tumors. When the doctor came in he asked us if she had gone over the reports with us and if we felt good about them. I obviously said no. Long story short, he explained that the Radiologist compares the last round of tests with the current one, thus showing little change. He then stated he looks at the very first test in October and compares it with the ones done on Wednesday. Doing that, you can definitely see a change in the tumors. The large one under my right arm is showing a black spot in the middle meaning the cancer is dying. The smaller tumors in my lungs have shrank some. The larger tumors have shrank some as well but not much. I also have lymph nodes in my pelvic area that are cancerous as well. The doctor seemed a little more pleased this time with the progress than he usually does. He stated he had hoped for more results but some is still better than none.

He also told us that I came to him with more disease (cancer) than anyone he has ever seen. He then said I have more disease than two or three of his patient's combined. Not what you want to hear from your doctor. But, as he stated, the good news is, it still isn't in any of my major organs, or my spine, or any other place that would change things in a major way. And we thank God for that. So the plan. I will do two more rounds of treatments here in Tulsa. After them we will return to Houston for our normal check up. At that time we will meet with a surgeon as well and will schedule a surgery to remove the tumor that is under my right arm. (Actually it is on my chest area on the right side directly across from my bicep.) This is where it get's technical. Apparently, and I cannot pronounce the name, melanoma can mutate. When the tumor is removed it will be tested for the mutation. If mine has the mutation, they will change me to a pill form of chemo that is effective for treating the mutation. The testing part takes a while, so while waiting to get the results I will do another two rounds of chemo here at home. After the results we will decide what to do next. The final step will be another surgery on the larger tumor in my left lung. There is an outside possibility that if the nodes in my pelvic area don't completely shrink I would have to have surgery to remove them.

So again, not great news, but not bad news. I asked the doctor if he was happy with the progress. His response, he was hoping for more shrinkage. But the best part is there is shrinkage and there are no new growths. So we carry on. I have to be honest, I can't get very excited about more chemo. Each round seems to be a little tougher that the last. But at least we will be home. Keep us in your prayers, as I know you do. I am working on a blog about this last year and the challenges we face this year so I won't carry on too much here. But 2011 is shaping up to be another year of challenges for us. We are going to face it head on like we did in 2010. And I am going to do my best to remember to........

Put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...................