Facing My Realities

I was asked by someone this week to share my thoughts on living and dying. The request was based on the question, if you were told you had a year to live, what would you do? On the surface it seems a simple question. And I think that many times when posed with that question most of us have a simple, almost rehearsed answer. Most of us have a bucket list. Travel, spending more time with family, quitting our jobs, are some of the things I have heard and even said myself. The reality of an honest answer can be quite different. I have learned that over the last year in facing my own mortality. As always, I try to be honest here and this will be no exception.



For me it is a difficult question to answer. I have thought a lot about it since asked, and I don't know that I will share all of how I feel about it at this point. Let me first of all say this, the doctor's have not given me a set amount of time. I have never been told, you have six months, a year, or two years to live. So to honestly answer how I would feel if I had been told I have a year left simply isn't possible. We know the statistics for someone in my position. And I have definitely been put in a position to ponder my own mortality. I can tell you a few of the reasons I don't have a "bucket list". The first is money. I hear people say when answering that question that they would quit their jobs and travel. I giggle when I hear that because that tells me they have money stashed away somewhere. I don't, so travel will not be an option! One of the other things I hear is, I would quit my job. So far, the cancer has taken care of that for me! Do I have a few things I would like to do before I die? Of course I do. Maybe I will get to do them, maybe not. What I will focus more on as the weather continues to warm is playing as much golf as possible and doing as much fishing as possible. Besides my family, those are the things I most enjoy after all.

I think we all have regrets in life. I know that there are certain things that we would all change if we could go back. But we can't. As I have looked back on my life the things that I regret the most are the times I hurt those closest to me. And as I look to my life in the future my goal is to live in a way that causes no more pain to those people. A person once told me the best way to make amends to those we have hurt it to never repeat those mistakes and never hurt them again. At this point in my life one of my biggest regrets isn't what I did, it's what I am not able to do. My wife and I are fairly simple people. We don't care about possessions or toys. Our biggest goal in life is to buy a place with land and a house, in the country, where we could raise the kids and some animals. We had begun working toward that last summer. Now, with me being sick and not working it won't happen anytime soon. Not being able to help see one of your wife's dreams come true is hard. Along the same lines I could see how it would be easier for someone in my position to go out and do or buy a few things on that bucket list. Rebecca and I both would love to have a new truck. But one thing I realized early on is that I still must be smart about how we spend money. I still have a family to take care of and me being irresponsible would not be fair to them. Another reason I don't have a bucket list.

In the final analysis what I think about life and death, and looking at it from a perspective of having a short amount of time left, is really pretty simple. I am a Christian and know where I am going. I don't spend a lot of time wondering about heaven. I know that my pea brain can never comprehend it. When I get there, I will know. For my life on earth and how ever much time I have left, I simply hope for peace and happiness. Really what we all want I think. I am not an intellectual. I am a simple person with simple hopes and dreams. I hope for as much time as possible to spend with my family. When I do think about passing on what grieves me the most is losing them. Period. It makes my heart hurt in ways I cannot describe. What gives me the most joy when I think about living is my family. Period. I think for me it is more an issue of balance. I am learning to enjoy each day more than I ever have, but still do the things that are required of me each day. Paying bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, the world doesn't stop just because I am sick. I try my best to instill in our kids what I have learned and believe, and do the best to help them become their best. I try harder to be the best husband I can be, and show my wife how much I love her. I try to face this challenge of cancer, no matter it's results, with strength, dignity, humor, and resolve. Hoping that it will teach our children how to face life. I try each day, sometimes without doing them well, to be more compassionate, understanding, caring and tolerant. I think more these days about leaving this place better than I found it.

Those are but a few of my thoughts. One thing I am finding is that even the way I think and feel about life and death is, in some ways, an ever changing process. I guess one thing that doesn't change is I try to focus most of my energy on getting well. We have a long ways to go with no guarantee's. But no matter what I will never give up fighting, not only to stay alive, but to enjoy whatever time I have left.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............