Short Update

This one will be short and sweet. I am scheduled for surgery Tuesday morning at 7:00 am. Much more will be known after the surgery and we will post a new blog and let everyone know what we find out. We are taking today (Sunday) to just be lazy and enjoy the day. I told Rebecca today is a time out!

Information Overload!

Well I am going to skip the weather issues and other anecdotes on this one. It is going to be a long one, sorry. We have been filled with tons of information over the last two days and in the final analysis, I don't know that we feel any better about things than we did before. I will do my best to explain in short and understandable terms where we are.

Let me first cover some points about melanoma. It is probably the least understood cancer, and without a doubt the hardest cancer to treat. Mine was an advanced melanoma. And with melanoma the cells, in the beginning, are microscopic. So small in fact that they can, and normally go undetected by all tests until they reach a certain size. The obvious problem with that is once they are detected they can be a serious issue. For example, one of the questions we had was my blood work. Every time I go to the doctor they do blood work, and every time it is fine. When we asked the doctor about that she said that is normal. It very rarely shows itself in the blood work. The next issue, and really the main issue with melanoma, is a term called metastasis. In essence, it means the cancer cells have begun to spread. I call it going mobile. With melanoma, the statistics are not good. Most don't survive advanced melanoma. And one of the worst things that can happen is that it shows up later in another part of the body. Thus, it metastasizes. It has gone mobile. One of the things we asked the doctor was when it shows up in another part of the body like my lymph-nodes, is it still melanoma or is it lymphoma? The answer was simple, melanoma. She said that once that diagnosis has been made, no matter where it shows up it is still melanoma. When we left the doctor's office yesterday my dad said it best. I will paraphrase, but basically he said, everything I have read about melanoma is, if it comes back anywhere else other than the original site, it is not good. It means that it has metastasized and the fight is on. I don't know a better way to sum it up. Another of the basic questions was, what stage do they consider me. Cancer has four stages, one through four, four being the worst. She has me at stage three. Bad, but not stage four. Stage four is mostly when it gets into organs. Obviously our fear at this point is that if it has metastasized it could be in other parts of my body but has not grown enough to show itself yet. One of the doctor's statements to me was, I understand this is your worst fear come true. Very true.

The next step is surgery. I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday the 7th. What the surgeon will do is take out a lymph-node, do some sort of test where they freeze the node and photograph it. From that they will be able to confirm that it is cancerous. At that point they will do a full node dissection. When they remove the nodes they will be biopsied and from that the Oncologist will be able to determine a lot. They will then be able to tell if it has metastasized. Don't ask me how, that is way over my head. But the information they receive from the pathology lab will determine what will happen next. Another one of the issues discussed was possible treatments. Basically chemotherapy is useless against melanoma. There will most likely be radiation on my right arm and shoulder area. You may remember when we went through round one, one of the suggestions was a drug called interferon. At the time we opted not to do it. It is the only drug, so far, that has shown any affect on melanoma. But it is a horrible drug for most people, with terrible side effects. Our doctor did say that we might have to look at it as a real possibility this time. (We hope not!) There is a new melanoma drug that has shown the best results by far, but it has not gotten final approval by the FDA yet. I think that the biggest thing that has caught me off guard so far was, if they do a full node dissection I will possibly have a lot of problems in the future with my right arm. With the nodes gone, a great amount of fluid will collect in my right arm causing swelling, lymphedema, and infections. One of the biggest contributors to those issues is usage of the arm. I will have to limit what I do with that arm. Not good for my line of work. I won't be able, if those things occur, to fight with people or do too much with that arm. When we brought that up with the Oncologist the first thing she said was that I may not be able to be a cop anymore and that she would help us get on medical disability. We asked the surgeon about the same issue today and he confirmed my fears as well. In our retirement system I cannot medical retire until my ten year mark. I am at six and one half. Not what I wanted to hear. I knew what the end result of the cancer could be, but I never thought I may have to give up the job that I love in the process.

Let me first of all say this. We are not being negative, nor will we EVER give up. Rebecca and I made a few commitments to each other when all of this started a year ago. The first and foremost is that we will always be honest with each other, the kids, and each one of you. I was watching a video clip the other day on the new melanoma drug on MSNBC. The first statement that the doctor being interviewed made was, "advanced melanoma historically is a death sentence". That is our reality. Not that we think that will happen. But we also won't bury our heads in the sand, whistle dixie, and pretend everything will be okay. We have to know what we could face. The fact is, if things go the way we think, this is going to be a greater challenge. We both have to worry about sick time at work. I have some left but it won't last long. The kids still have to be fed, the bills have to get paid, life goes on no matter what. The fear is multiplied this time, partly because we are more educated that we were the last. One of the other commitments we made was that when we get bad news, we give each other a day or two to feel whatever we each need to feel. Whether it is angry, sad, scared, frustrated or any other feeling. We give ourselves that time to feel it, deal with it, and be done with it. We then come back together and say, okay, enough. Now we shift those gears and fight, period. We are pushing in the clutch and starting to shift. It is going to be a long weekend waiting for Tuesday. But, one thing is for sure, we have been through a lot and have learned how to keep going forward and fight with all we have. We have a great support of family and friends who have done and continue to do so much for us. It has been great to have my Mom and Dad with us every step of the way this week. So that is where we are and what we know. And yes I asked the surgeon today if I got the buy three get the fourth surgery free deal and he said no. Oh well, worth a try. We will keep everyone updated as we know more.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breathe.............

Round 2

Let me just get this out of the way. I am ready for fall. Enough of the heat. And yes I know, in December I will be begging for warm weather. I have tried to water the weeds in the front yard for the last several days to try and green it up a little but I am afraid I am wasting my money!

Well here we are, Round 2. We had hoped that we would at least make the one year mark, which would have been September 24. But we didn't. For those who don't know in July I had surgery for an umbilical hernia. When they got me into the operating room the surgeon, who knows my history, found a lump on my stomach he didn't like and removed it. It was tested and came back clear, but is the kind of lump that turns into melanoma. (And yes I was off work for 6 weeks. I am trying to set a record for days not worked in a year!) A few weeks after my surgery I found a large lump, unlike anything I have had, in my right arm pit, in the area of lymph-nodes. I finally went back to work a week or so ago on a Wednesday evening. On the following Friday I went to see the Oncologist. After examining the lump and the other one she found that I had missed, she told me that I would have to have a PET Scan and to be prepared for the fact the cancer had come back. We got the results back yesterday and they told us that several of the nodes in that area "lit up" on the PET scan and are enlarged. The next steps at this point will be an appointment with the Oncologist today, an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and surgery sometime in the next week. Yes, more surgery. They are going to remove all of the lymph-nodes under my right arm. And off work again. I am going to break that record. I am also going to ask the surgeon if there is some sort of buy three get the forth free surgery, or frequent surgery miles. I gotta get something at this point besides more scars! We don't know, at this point, about any chemo. or radiation. When we went through the first round the doctor's told us that if a recurrence happened in the same area there would be some sort of treatments but it is still too early to know at this point. We are grateful that so far it doesn't appear to have spread any where else. With melanoma, it still could be somewhere else we just don't know it yet. We have learned a lot about melanoma over the last year and each recurrence is very scary because it can spread fast and is so small that even a PET scan won't pick it up for a while.

That is what we know at this point. We are scared to say the least. I think that in the back of our minds we knew this day would come again, we just didn't expect it so fast. I have had numerous lumps and moles removed and tested over the last year and each has been fine, and I think in some ways we just expected them all to turn out that way. I don't care how many times you hear you have cancer, it never gets easier. And having to tell my family and friends isn't much easier either. We are still somewhat in shock and are a little numb at this point. The worst part this time was the waiting to get answers after the doctor's appointment. That feeling of limbo, not knowing, is almost worse for us than knowing that I have cancer. We have talked many times over the last few days that a least if we had answers we can shift gears and get into the fight mode. So that is where we are today. Shifting those gears and putting together a game plan. We most likely will, at some point, head back to MD Anderson in Houston at least for a consultation. I want to always keep that door open and have that tool at our disposal. We will have more answers over the next few days and will post a new blog as soon as we know more. I know that each of you do, but keep us, especially the kids and our families, in your prayers. When we told the kids last night they handled it very well. Later in the evening the each got very emotional with tears and hugs. There is no more helpless feeling in the world. They have been through a lot and it is very frustrating for me to know that they will have to go through even more. Round 2. Time to get the gloves on and fight.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Been a While

Well, I am good at one thing in life and that is stating the obvious so here goes; it's been a while. I must once again apologize for not doing a better job of keeping everyone updated. I have had several people contact me either through emails, or my parents, or by the phone inquiring about how things are going. Hopefully I will answer those questions. We, like everyone else in the world, have been extremely busy. Rebecca and I were laughing the other day because we couldn't wait for the kids to be out of school for the summer so the schedule would slow down. But quite the opposite has happened. They are, and will continue to be, even busier than they were during school! They are having a good summer though and that is what matters.

On the cancer front. All is clear! I continue to go to my tri-monthly doctor's appointments with the Oncologist, Dermatologist, and regular doctor. If I have never written before about my dermatologist visits I will now. They aren't fun. Since my initial diagnosis and surgery, I have had three different moles removed and tested. All came back fine. And it isn't the four or five shots they give you to numb the area, or the sawing, cutting or burning of the mole that I dislike. What I don't care for is the exam itself. Simply put, it is me, in my birthday suit, with at least three women in the room while the doctor (female doctor) goes over every inch of my body. Uncomfortable for me to say the least. Yes ladies I know it isn't comparable. But I must admit, I am not a small guy and it is just not something I look forward to. I digress. In all seriousness, we are extremely grateful that I am clear so far. And I know that all the exams, tests, blood work and doctor's visits are vital to my health. We are very grateful that we have such tremendous doctor's. I will say that it has been a rough first half of the year otherwise. While not directly dealing with cancer, I have however been dealing with a lot of other health problems. As I stated in my previous blogs I have had very high blood pressure. With medication that seems to be under control. I have adjusted quite nicely to the CPAP (breathing machine at night) and am sleeping very well. I have had pneumonia, along with numerous other small health issues. While those are not large issues in and of themselves, what has been frustrating is I used to never get sick. And as I stated before I am not a great patient. A few weeks ago I notice a "bulge" by my belly button. I had my suspicions and went to the doctor last Tuesday and confirmed that I have a hernia. A umbilical hernia to be exact. I saw a surgeon on Wednesday who told me it needed to be fixed. He also told me that if it filled up with waste could make me septic, or cause an infection, which would lead to bigger problems. So the bottom line is I cannot wait and will have surgery next Friday, July the 9th. It will be out-patient, but will be a fully under, incision in my stomach kind of surgery. What really got me is there is a six week recovery time where I cannot lift or strain that area in anyway. Which is bad for me in my line of work. Not to mention I was hoping that I would be able to spread out my next surgery time to like, oh I don't know, ten years or so! But I guess this is the next adventure that life has laid in front of us.

If anyone has been wondering how I have been doing in reference to some of the things I blogged about before like, patience, perspective, and attitude, let's just say some good, some not so good. It has been easy to allow myself to get caught up in life again. Work, for both Rebecca and I, has been challenging in a lot of ways. But thankfully we are both still employed! There have been other things that have been stressful, but for the most part we continue to stay focused on what is important and that is family and friends. And I have a great wife and family who do a great job of bringing me back to reality at those times I lose my focus. I told my wife on the way home from the surgeon's office that maybe I didn't learn my lesson the first time so I get to spend another six to seven weeks on the couch like a kid in time out! No, just kidding, I think this is just another issue in life. And the most important thing, we are not dealing with cancer. And we thank God for that. I will also have time to do more blogging, and I know you just can't wait. I do want to again say thank you to all of you who have asked how were are doing and for your thoughts and prayers. We simply couldn't have done it without each of you. I will try and post another blog this weekend and let everyone know how the surgery goes.

Remember each day to drink a lot of water, put one foot in front of the other, and don't forget to breath.......

Finally the sure signs of spring. Warm weather and wind. Wind that foreshadows the coming storms. I love spring time. By far my favorite time of year. I love to sit on the porch, out of the rain of course, and watch the storms lumber through. The thunder, the lighting, and that fresh smell after the rain promising green grass, blooming trees and flowers. And nights slept with the windows open. So much better than cold and snow, especially the older I get. The body is much happier.

Before I get into why I am writing today, let me first give a background. A month or so ago, there was a meningitis out break in a small town called Oologah about eight miles north of Collinsville. (Collinsville is where I work.) Several young children at the elementary school were infected. Three passed away. One was a young girl who actually lived in Collinsville. Several days after she passed away I spoke with her father. Heartbreaking. One 7 year old, Jeremiah , was infected but is still alive. That's the good news for him. The horrible news is he has had to have both his arm's and leg's amputated, and is currently out of state to have his facial reconstruction surgery. This morning several of the local Fraternal Order of Police Lodges came together and put on a fundraiser. The Lodges from Collinsville, Owasso, Tulsa, Broken Arrow, Jenks and Glenpool each set up at different locations in their cities and took donations. I was amazed as we stood in the bank parking lot and watched person after person donate money to his family. Some giving five dollars, some hundreds of dollars, but each giving what they could. It was simply humbling to watch. It gave me a little faith in humanity again. One of the fallout's of being a Police Officer is you become much more pessimistic and extremely sceptical of people. We don't usually see the good side of humanity. At the Collinsville/Owasso location we ended up raising $9700.00, with the combined total of all locations around $40,000.00 Absolutely amazing!

It's been on my mind all day. While we were standing there this morning we talked about how hard it would be to have all your limbs removed. Not to mention the agony the parents must be going through right now. At some point during the day, and for no explainable reason, a conversation I had with an old friend the other day came to mind. We were chatting on the Internet and he said something to the affect of let's have lunch sometime, you have quiet a story to tell. I didn't think much of it at first, and I am not really sure why it stuck in my head, but I think I am starting to understand now. I began to realize that no matter what, life is going to deal us all hard times. Things that, like I stated in my previous blog, are out of our control. Being diagnosed with cancer, losing a job, other illnesses, death, things that happen due to no fault of our own. It got me to thinking about my life. Yes, I have had some rough times. Especially lately. My family and I have been through a lot. But as I pondered my whole life the thing that keep resonating in my mind was most of my hard times in life were due to my poor decision making. It occured to me that there are two types of rough times, those that we have no control over, and those that happen due to poor choices. Most of my "bad" times were created by a poor decisions I had made. I know that most wouldn't find this to be a revelation. Most people figure that out pretty early in life. I guess I knew it as well, I just had never thought about it before.

As I think about it I guess the reason it is on my mind is two-fold. One, make better decisions. Life is going to hand me enough without my adding to it. There is no sense in me adding to my own problems by making bad choices. I have realized over the last few years I have made better decisions. Granted, I still have my moments of brain dead. And some decisions I make, I may have to wait to see if it was the right one or not. Sometimes the only judge of a good or bad decision is time. But I try harder today. The other issue on my mind is pity. There have been times in my life that I have pity partied about situations and circumstance. I now realize, especially when the "bad" time was due to my poor decision, that I have no right to pity party. It's like never brushing my teeth then whining about a tooth ache, or not paying rent then complaining about being homeless. Then, and this is what I was reminded of while raising money that morning, it could always be worse. There are many people out there who have it a lot worse due to no fault of their own. Those children and families did not ask to get sick. They did nothing to deserve it. But it happened. It reminded me how short my memory is. While I was sick, one of our favorite sayings was, it can always be worse. And it can. I guess the main lesson in all of this for me has been, once again, gratitude. How soon I forget. And no matter what happens pity serves me no purpose. It keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me in a place in my mind that blocks out all reason and sanity. It is a poison that effects every area of my life. Bad things are going to happen. We live in a world of sin and imperfection. The key for me will always be, when those times come, how will I handle it. What will I chose? To be as positive as possible and move forward, or stay stuck in pity? Hopefully I will also remember when making decisions not to add to those times!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Treading Lightly

One of my favorite movie lines is from the movie Con air. It is about bad convicts who are being transported on an airplane, and while in air, they take over the plane. After taking control, they are playing the song Sweet Home Alabama on a radio. The character played by Steve Buscemi looks at the character played by Nicolas Cage and says, "define irony, a bunch of convicts singing and dancing on a plane by a band that died in a plane crash". I have my own definition of irony. The first day of a long awaited spring, and it's freezing cold and snowing. Gotta love it. Me and my guys got to spend over an hour standing on the highway last night, after people decided to start playing bumper cars on the frozen bridges. Come on warm weather!

I am going to to go in a different direction. They are subjects with which I will tread lightly. Most of you who know me know that I don't get too involved in political banter, try not to rail too much about the going's on in the world, and try to mostly mind my own business in general. But the last few weeks things have happened and are happening in this world that give me pause. The first is Washington. I never cease to be amazed at what they do. I am fully convinced that there is some sort of alien bubble around them that prevents their return to reality. I will keep most of my personal opinions about them, and the health care bill, and the president, to myself. What I will say is as a working, tax paying American, I do not like what I see and hear coming from Washington. We are headed in a bad direction. Then there is the Southern Baptists'. I have mostly lost touch with them and what they do or don't do. But Kenneth Star as the president of Baylor University? Really? I won't even go into that. Then my current favorite is the Tulsa County Sheriff attempting to take control of local Police Departments in an attempt to create a metro department. Make no mistake, it is basically a hostile take over where the municipal officers like me have no say at all. I would love to go into all the details and how I feel about it but that would take an entire book to cover it all. What I will say is that it is simply an attempt by the Mayor of Tulsa and the Sheriff to gain more control and power, and destroy the Fraternal Order of Police in Tulsa County. It will cause good, hard working Police Officers to lose their jobs and their retirement pension for no other reason than power and control by political leaders who are power hungry. The cities we work for are not broke. One of the cities affected has had the best and fastest growing sales tax income in Tulsa County for the last year or more. We as Officer's are very much afraid that we could be unemployed sometime over the next two years, for no other reason than power and money. Period. It is a scary and sobering possibility.

So, I know some of you may be asking, where did this all come from? I came home the other day, after hearing the news about the Sheriff's plans, and after a not so good day at work, and was very scared and angry. My thoughts were two fold. What is it about power that makes people loose touch with reality? The saying power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, keeps running through my head. It seems to me that more and more we seem to be losing the freedoms this country was founded on. I hate to sound like some sort of extremist because I am not, but at some point when do I say enough is enough and become at least more active in saying enough is enough. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. He said something very interesting. He said his wife looked at him and asked him, when was the last time you prayed for our government? It took me back for a moment. I haven't done that in a very long time. I think I will start. I think we all need to. I really will stop before I voice too many of my personal opinions.

The second, and more pertinent thought for me, was control. Another one of my favorite movie lines is from "Day's of Thunder". Nicole Kidman's character tells Tom Cruise's character, "control is an illusion you infantile egomaniac". It always hits me between the eyes. Control. One of the biggest lesson's I have learned in life is just how little control I have. Sure I can control if I go to work or not, or if I wash the car or not, or if I put the trash out. But I cannot ultimately control the weather, what goes on in Washington, or Tulsa County, or cancer. I went through a rough period in life several years ago and one of the biggest lessons that I had to work on was control. I began to understand that I cannot control people. No matter how bad I want to, no matter how hard I try, I cannot control people and what they do or say. I also cannot control life and what goes on. I had to begin to learn how to take care of me and my decisions, and let go of everything else. Don't get me wrong, I am not very good at it. But what I began to learn, and have been reminded of lately, is that control is somewhat of an illusion. And if I spend my time upset, mad, or worrying about things I ultimately cannot control I am waisting my precious time and energy. When you get that "phone all" from the doctor who says "I don't normally do this over the phone but in your case time is of the essence", you have cancer, you learn a lot about control! So I have had to step back, take a deep breath, and do my best to give these things that are going on to God and trust they will work out. Besides if I did have that kind of control I would probably just mess things up even worse. God knows better then me for sure.

On the health front. Not much new. I have had pneumonia for the last couple of weeks and have been at home again on the couch. I hopefully am on the down hill slide now. Unfortunately I think Rebecca has it now! I go to my regular doctor on Monday with some new issues to deal with. I will go to the Oncologist in May for my next check up. Other than that we are very ready for some spring and warmer weather. We are very ready.

Remember everyday, to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..........

Hello Again

Wow, it has been a while. In many ways it seems like just yesterday this journey started, and in some ways it seems like years ago. One thing I do know is that I haven't done a very good job keeping everyone updated on how things are going. One problem has been this Blogger site changed it's log in process. For those of you who know me well know that I am computer illiterate and get easily frustrated. I have tried several times to log in but have not been able to. Instead of taking my time and trying to figure it out, or asking for help, I just stop trying! I really don't even know what I did to get logged in this time, but somehow I did. I do apologize for not keeping everyone updated, hopefully I have the log-in issue fixed and will do a better job of updating.

Well, the short version is, everything is clear! I have had three more moles, or bumps, removed and checked, and all came back fine. I had a CT Scan done of my neck and chest area because of a new cough, and it was clear as well. I continue to see three different doctors every three months. The regular trips to the dermatologist have turned out to be very humbling. Keep in mind, as we have stated before in the blog, we are forever grateful for the dermatologist. I truly believe it is because of her actions, and getting us to the surgeon as fast as she did, is a big part of why I am well today. But, and I won't go into explicit detail, but every three months I have a full body scan done to check for any new spots. And when I say full body scan, I mean full body scan. The way the Lord brought me into this world, with three to four women in the room kind of body scan. As Forrest Gump would say, that's all I have to say about that. My arm is healing well. I had my last visit with the surgeon in February and he said it is doing well and will continue to change in color and form over the next year. I did have quite a bit of pain in my arm for the first several months but that too seems to be almost gone. I have no feeling on the graft itself due to the removal of the nerves in that area. I had a new first experience the other day with it. As I was getting ready for work I noticed a small scratch and scab right in the middle of the graft and had no idea how it got there. Reminding me I have to be careful because I can hit it and not even realize that I have done anything to it. I will also have to be very careful with it in the sun. The doctor told me that sunlight can damage the graft if I don't keep it covered or keep sun block on it while I am outside. I told my wife one day that the cancer has seemed to open Pandora's box to a whole slew of other health issues. I am on several new medications for blood pressure and acid reflux. I started having a very hard time sleeping just after the surgery which finally led to me having a sleep study done. The result was I stopped breathing 87 times in an hour. Now I have a CPAP machine that I wear while I sleep. It is taking some getting used to but I am finally able to sleep again which is wonderful.

Speaking of cancer. Two years ago I took part in the Relay for Life event in Owasso. Most of you have probably heard of it. It is a fundraising event for cancer research. Companies and people form teams and ask for donations. Then the teams walk laps for the donations. I have to be honest, the reason I did it two years ago was because Rebecca was on her team from work. And I was there because we were dating and I was there for her. This year, as you can imagine, it means a great deal more to me. We will once again be on the City of Owasso team. I will get to wear the "Survivor" t-shirt and take part in the "Survivor" dinner. And we will walk to raise money. And yes, we may be asking for donation's from many of you. I normally don't like to do that sort of thing. I don't like being pestered by fundraisers and don't like doing it to others, but this is something we feel strongly about. I don't know what it is, but it seems like there are more and more people we know who are being affected by cancer. I know of two people who have lost their battle with cancer just in the last month. One of whom was not much older than me. I will let you know more over the next few weeks.

I did something I haven't done since all this started. I went back on my logs and read them again from the beginning. I know the biggest reason we started this was to keep everyone informed. And yes it was therapeutic for me. But I became even more grateful I did this as I read them. It was such a tremendous reminder for me of the things we have been through. And it also answered some questions for me. One of the biggest is yes, it is easy for me to forget as I put more time between me and the beginning. I really needed that. It has become easy for me to forget some days. I have had more day's than I care to admit that I have gotten caught back up in the things in life that really don't matter. I whine to much about things that don't matter. I have allowed things, people, and situations to rent space in my brain when I shouldn't. I must remember my own words, all that really matters is family and friends. I am going to make an effort to blog again on a regular basis, if for no other reason than to help me stay focused.

Thank you again to each of you for all of you love, support and prayers. May God bless each of you the way he has us.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath......