Facing My Realities

I was asked by someone this week to share my thoughts on living and dying. The request was based on the question, if you were told you had a year to live, what would you do? On the surface it seems a simple question. And I think that many times when posed with that question most of us have a simple, almost rehearsed answer. Most of us have a bucket list. Travel, spending more time with family, quitting our jobs, are some of the things I have heard and even said myself. The reality of an honest answer can be quite different. I have learned that over the last year in facing my own mortality. As always, I try to be honest here and this will be no exception.



For me it is a difficult question to answer. I have thought a lot about it since asked, and I don't know that I will share all of how I feel about it at this point. Let me first of all say this, the doctor's have not given me a set amount of time. I have never been told, you have six months, a year, or two years to live. So to honestly answer how I would feel if I had been told I have a year left simply isn't possible. We know the statistics for someone in my position. And I have definitely been put in a position to ponder my own mortality. I can tell you a few of the reasons I don't have a "bucket list". The first is money. I hear people say when answering that question that they would quit their jobs and travel. I giggle when I hear that because that tells me they have money stashed away somewhere. I don't, so travel will not be an option! One of the other things I hear is, I would quit my job. So far, the cancer has taken care of that for me! Do I have a few things I would like to do before I die? Of course I do. Maybe I will get to do them, maybe not. What I will focus more on as the weather continues to warm is playing as much golf as possible and doing as much fishing as possible. Besides my family, those are the things I most enjoy after all.

I think we all have regrets in life. I know that there are certain things that we would all change if we could go back. But we can't. As I have looked back on my life the things that I regret the most are the times I hurt those closest to me. And as I look to my life in the future my goal is to live in a way that causes no more pain to those people. A person once told me the best way to make amends to those we have hurt it to never repeat those mistakes and never hurt them again. At this point in my life one of my biggest regrets isn't what I did, it's what I am not able to do. My wife and I are fairly simple people. We don't care about possessions or toys. Our biggest goal in life is to buy a place with land and a house, in the country, where we could raise the kids and some animals. We had begun working toward that last summer. Now, with me being sick and not working it won't happen anytime soon. Not being able to help see one of your wife's dreams come true is hard. Along the same lines I could see how it would be easier for someone in my position to go out and do or buy a few things on that bucket list. Rebecca and I both would love to have a new truck. But one thing I realized early on is that I still must be smart about how we spend money. I still have a family to take care of and me being irresponsible would not be fair to them. Another reason I don't have a bucket list.

In the final analysis what I think about life and death, and looking at it from a perspective of having a short amount of time left, is really pretty simple. I am a Christian and know where I am going. I don't spend a lot of time wondering about heaven. I know that my pea brain can never comprehend it. When I get there, I will know. For my life on earth and how ever much time I have left, I simply hope for peace and happiness. Really what we all want I think. I am not an intellectual. I am a simple person with simple hopes and dreams. I hope for as much time as possible to spend with my family. When I do think about passing on what grieves me the most is losing them. Period. It makes my heart hurt in ways I cannot describe. What gives me the most joy when I think about living is my family. Period. I think for me it is more an issue of balance. I am learning to enjoy each day more than I ever have, but still do the things that are required of me each day. Paying bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, the world doesn't stop just because I am sick. I try my best to instill in our kids what I have learned and believe, and do the best to help them become their best. I try harder to be the best husband I can be, and show my wife how much I love her. I try to face this challenge of cancer, no matter it's results, with strength, dignity, humor, and resolve. Hoping that it will teach our children how to face life. I try each day, sometimes without doing them well, to be more compassionate, understanding, caring and tolerant. I think more these days about leaving this place better than I found it.

Those are but a few of my thoughts. One thing I am finding is that even the way I think and feel about life and death is, in some ways, an ever changing process. I guess one thing that doesn't change is I try to focus most of my energy on getting well. We have a long ways to go with no guarantee's. But no matter what I will never give up fighting, not only to stay alive, but to enjoy whatever time I have left.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Feb. Update

Well I am back home this weekend after being in Houston all last week. My parents and I left on Tuesday to go south and beat the winter storm. On Thursday I had all my tests, CT's, MRI, blood work etc. On Friday morning they did a Fine Needle Aspiration (better know as a biopsy) of the tumor under my arm. It wasn't the best trip in the world for several reasons but at least it is over for now.

One of the frustrating things that happened this trip was my doctor's appointment got scheduled for Thursday morning at 9:30, before I had my CT scan or my MRI done. It is kind of difficult for the doctor to make a diagnosis, or give a progress report on how I am doing without seeing any scans. After several phones calls to the nurse, it was decided by the doctor that I would still see him Thursday morning. It was a waste of time. (I did ask what happened and was told whoever scheduled the two day's made a mistake.) Later that day I went to another clinic there at MD Anderson to have my pick line cleaned and the bandage changed. (The pick line is the tube in my left arm that is used to inject the chemo. into me.) It has six stitches holding to my bicep. One of the stitches had pulled out so the nurse had to redo it. So she decided to redo all three on that side. She forgot to deaden the bottom one before she started stitching it. It wasn't that it hurt that bad, it was just another one of those frustrating things. And the biopsy, all I will say is they took a needle that looks like a drinking straw and stuck it in my three different times. Now I have three holes in my side. The biopsy is will be tested to see if my cancer has the mutation I spoke about a few blogs ago. It should take three to four weeks to get the results back.

With the doctor's appointment mistake, they told me they would call me on Friday morning and let me know the results. It's a little too confusing and time consuming to go into too much depth about all the dynamics, but when we met with the doctor and physician's assistant on Thursday we were left with the impression that they wouldn't do surgery. As I told my parent's and wife I was confused because surgery had been discussed at our last appointment. The physician's assistant called Friday morning and gave us the results. The tumor under my arm is shrinking and some of the cancer in it is dying. The ones in my lungs and abdomen area are not showing much shrinkage. Some are shrinking, it is just not significant. The good news is there is no new growths and it hasn't spread anywhere new. And the ones that are there aren't growing. So again, not bad news, just not the news we were hoping for. My cancer is being stubborn. One of the things I did ask the doctor was how much more chemo. can my body take? For whatever reason I am handling the chemo. very well. Most people only get six rounds before the side effects become too much. (To look at me, you would never know I was sick.) He said I should be able to handle at least two more rounds which would put me at eight rounds. So at the end of the phone call, the physician's assistant said the doctor was recommending two more rounds of chemo. About thirty minutes later I got another phone call from the physician's assistant. She told me that the doctor, after spending more time looking at my scans and after more discussion, had changed his mind and was now recommending surgery to remove the tumor under my arm. So the decision was made, the next step will be surgery in Houston. We don't know when it will be. They are supposed to schedule it and call me this week to let me know. We are hoping that it will be before the end of the month. Once I am completely healed after the surgery I will resume some sort of chemo. I have to be totally healed before I can do more chemo. so we don't have a set time frame.

Believe it or not, that is the short version. It was a stressful few days for us, but we continue on. Hopefully the biopsy results will show the mutation and I will be able to switch to a different type of chemo. and see if it will be more effective in killing my cancer. As soon as we have a schedule for the surgery I will update everyone.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................................

Voices.........

I am sitting in the hotel in Houston as I begin writing this. I am watching the morning news shows and laughing as I watch them talk about the horrible cold weather. It's 26 degrees. Sorry that's not that cold. Some schools are even starting late due to the cold. They are asking people to conserve power here due to the cold. Last week, because of cold weather, they had rolling blackouts here! But I was reminded that a huge part of life is all about perspective and what we are used to. They simply don't have to deal with winter like we do in Oklahoma, and we don't have to deal with winter like they do in Kansas or Nebraska. It is all relative.

I am going to get on my equally sided rectangular object, or soap box. I will be the first to say the technology has, and continues, to transform our lives. Everything continues to change and evolve. Microwaves, TV's, cell phones, computers, cars and on and on. I even saw an advertisement for a car the other day that will now give audible facebook updates! (I think that is going a little too far.) If it weren't for modern technology I may not be doing as well as I am. And I will admit that I am somewhat of a gadget junkie. I like to have the latest and greatest, even though I am not good at using them. As a matter of fact, I really don't even know how to use half of what my computers and phone are capable of. But what I have realized is that one of the downfalls of modern technology is we are losing human interaction. Face to face, voice to voice interaction. Between text messages, email, facebook updates, and instant messaging, many of us choose those as the means by which we communicate. And don't get me wrong, I am guilty as well. Those means of communicating have their place and time. Sometimes they are easier and more convenient. I am one who uses a blue tooth headset because I don't like having to hold the phone up to the side of my head. I ask myself the question, have we gotten to lazy? Do we rely on convenience too much?

For me the answer is yes. I have realized over the last several months that I have come to rely too heavily on these tools. I think it is a sad editorial of myself that I can infer emotions in text messages with the ones I am closest to. I have come to miss some of that interaction with others. What I am learning is that not only do I miss it, sometimes I need it. (Not to mention I am getting really tired of texting!) It goes back to what I wrote about not long ago. We are not meant to be alone. Relationships with others is one of the most important things in my life. I need to take more time to make phone calls and actually speak with others. I need to take more time to have a meal, or share a cup of coffee with those I care about. And sometimes, and there really is no way around it for me, I need to spend time with them, not send them emails. I need to hear their voice, not send them text messages. Sometimes hearing their voice can fix a day gone bad, calm a fear that is getting out of control, give a sense of peace that I cannot find anywhere else, and put a smile on my face. Sometimes I just need to hear a voice.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............................