Two events occurred in my life Sunday evening that were the kind of events that cause a lot of questions. One was the feel good kind. The kind that makes you sit still and realize that there are people in this world who have God given talents that change the world. The other event was the kind of event that makes you realize there are people in this world who are just the opposite. They have something, I wouldn't call gifts, that do something that changes the world and makes you sit still and realize that there is truly evil in this world. What a conundrum. I, of all people know there are some really sick people in this world. But I guess after having been through all we have over the last several months, I have become more acutely aware of both the bad and good things that go on in this world.



The first was the good one. It was the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 25th anniversary concert. I know what some of you Baptist's are thinking, rock and roll. I know, but the thing was I listened to some of the best musical artist's in the world. U2, Bruce Springsteen, Crosby Stills and Nash, James Taylor, Stevie Wonder. It was amazing. And during the middle of Simon and Garfunkel, my wife brought up the point that music just isn't what it used to be. What followed was a conversation about how music today just has no substance or meaning. What has happened? I know that during their time young men were being drafted and sent to a war that was killing them in record numbers. They wrote songs that had substance and meaning. Agree or not, they wrote about things going on in the world. And the music itself, no comparison to today's music. They had to be able to sing and play music. They did not have all the computers to "clean up" their voices, nothing to help their albums sound better. They could do it all, write it, play it, sing it. Today, most musicians sound terrible in person. It's all about the looks, the shows, the money. And I would venture to say that most of today's rock stars wouldn't have the first clue how to write a song or play an instrument. Thank goodness there are still a few around who can do those things. Music is important to me. I am not sure how to put my finger on it, but music is nourishment, peace, and many other things. I may not always be in the mood for the same kind of music, but I can always count on finding the music I want, when I want it. It helps me cry when I need to cry, laugh when I need to laugh, be still when I need to be still, and sing when I want to sing. Probably why it was said, "Make a joyful noise to the Lord".

The second event was the horrific tragedy in the state of Washington. I am sure all of you have heard by now that four Police Officers were murdered in coffee shop on Sunday morning. Three men and one woman gave the ultimate sacrifice. This event really hit home with me. Most of them were around my age. They were fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, and brothers and sisters to all of us in law enforcement. We are a very, very tight knit group. We take care of one another. Never have I seen that more than in our life over the last several months. I won't go into great detail now, I will save it for another blog, but the men and women of the Owasso and Collinsville Police Departments have been incredible. Even my mom has said several times she cannot believe how tight we are and how we take care of each other. I am now going to get on my proverbial soap box. I think sometimes it is forgotten what Police Officers do on a daily basis. I understand that it is easy to do. I know as Police Officers, we are looked upon as ticket writers, men and women who are a necessary evil. I get it. I, like everyone else, still get that sinking feeling when you look in your rear view mirror and see the cop car behind you. And I do it for a living! Ours is a thankless job. Not a thinkless, a thankless job. When we are called it is usually when people are not at their best. We are called when grown ups cannot solve their own problems. We are marriage counselors, babysitters, mediators, and report takers. We are usually the ones who tell families they have lost a loved one. We respond to and investigate domestic violence, child abuse, shootings, homicides, sex crimes, and barking dogs. We deal with drug users who cannot take care of their own kids. I am part of the Tulsa County District Attorney's Task Force on crimes against children. You can only imagine what we deal with. We see and deal with things most people couldn't deal with. I still have nightmares from time to time about some of the things I have seen. Ever been at the grocery store with your wife and have a person, who you arrested two nights before, follow you around while you are shopping? Ever had someone you have arrested knock on you front door? I have, both. Ever had someone tell you when they get out of prison they are going to find you and kill you? Yep several times. And then there are those who will be the first to file a complaint on us for driving to fast to a call, but then will complain on us when they call and we don't get there fast enough. They want us to arrest someone else for something we can't arrest them for, but when they or a family member do something we have to arrest them for, they fight us. And finally, we as Officers, know every time we put on our uniform and go to work, it could be the last time we see our families. Part of our oath of office is we will lay down our life to protect our citizens. And if need be, we will, with honor. And we do it all with very little pay. Most of us have to work part-time jobs just to get by. My families hearts and prayers go out to the family, friends and co-workers of the fallen Officers. The ultimate sacrifice. I cannot imagine the pain they are feeling right now. I will get off my soap box now. I have spoken my peace, if you will. If you see a Police Officer today, thank them for what they do, buy them a cup of coffee, let them know you appreciate what they do. The last two months has renewed my desire to be a cop. I want to go back and be the best I can. It's one of those core changes I hope I don't ever loose again.

Paul Harvey said it well:

The Policeman

What is a Policeman? By Paul Harvey

A policeman is a composite of what all men are I guess, a mingling of saint and sinner, dust and diety. Culled statistics wave the banners over stinkers, underscore instances of dishonesty and brutality because they are news. What that really means is that they are exceptional, they are unusual, they are not commonplace. Buried under the froth are the facts and the fact is less than one-half of one percent misfit that uniform and that is a better percentage than what you'd find among clergymen. What is a policeman? He of all men is at once the most needed and the most wanted; a strangely nameless creature who is "Sir" to his face, "pig" or worse behind his back. He must be such a diplomat that he can settle differences among individuals so that each will think he won. If a policeman is neat, he's conceited. If he's careless, he's a bum. If he's pleasant, he's a flirt. If he's not, he's a grouch. He must make instant decisions that would require months for a lawyer. But if he hurries, he's careless -if he's deliberate, he's lazy. He must be first to an accident and infallible with a diagnosis. He must be able to start breathing, stop bleeding, tie splints and, above all, be sure the victim goes home without a limp. Or, he must expect to be sued. The police officer must know every gun, draw on the run and hit where it doesn't hurt. He must be able to whip two men twice his size and half his age without soiling his uniform and without being "brutal". If you hit him, he's a coward - if he hits you, he's a bully. A policeman must know everything and not tell. He must know where all the sin is and not partake. The policeman must, from a single human hair, be able to describe the crime, the weapon, the criminal, and tell you where the criminal is hiding. But if he catches the criminal, he's lucky; if he doesn't, he's a dunce.If he gets promoted, he has political pull. If he doesn't, he's a dullard. The policeman must chase bum leads to dead ends, stakeout 10 nights to tag one witness who saw it happen but refuses to remember. He runs files and writes reports until his eyes ache to build a case against some felon who'd get dealt out by a shameless shamus or an honorable who isn't honorable. The policeman must be a minister, a social worker, a diplomat, a tough guy, and, of course, a genius, for he has to feed a family on a policeman's salary.

(Paul Harvey's own father was a policeman, who was killed by a bootlegger on Christmas Eve when Paul was a little boy.)

I know I haven't written in a while, and now I have "blogged" twice in the last two days. It seems the main theme of our lives here lately has been a day or two of big news, then hurry up and wait. With not much happening in the mean time. To let you know, there is also a new post just previous to this one, so there are actually two new ones. To begin, Rebecca and I went to my appointment with the surgeon yesterday. Going in, I had prepared myself to hear that my arm would require me to be off work for the next several weeks. I did not want to get my hopes up, and we had shifted gears and begin preparing ourselves for that. However, he told us the graft is now fully taken and the skin is strong, and that not only can I begin using my hand and arm again, but I will be able to go back to full duty next week! We are so grateful! I am really looking forward to going back to work. I still have to put ointment on it and keep it wrapped for the next two weeks. Then I will be able to expose it, only having to massage it each night, for a while, with Vitamin E Oil. He doesn't want to see me again until February. What a miracle!

I have been truly humbled yesterday and today. When Rebecca, Mom and I met with the surgeon that first day in his office, I never thought that only two months later I would be going back to work. I fully expected to be undergoing some kind of treatments, sick, and either in bed at home or the hospital. I saw on the news earlier this week the Rev. Billy Joe Daugherty had passed away. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma around the same time I was diagnosed. (For those of you not from around here, he is the pastor of a very large church in Tulsa called Victory. They have a school and Bible College as well.) Since they are somewhat associated with Oral Roberts University, I have met him a couple of times. He passed away while at MD Anderson Hospital in Houston. He had been battling an infection due to the chemo depleting his immune system. His was a cancer, statistically, that is much more treatable than mine. The long term survivability rates of mine are much more dim. My heart and prayers go out to him and his family and friends. But it caused me to realize that you just never know. By all rights I should have cancer somewhere else. Why am I healed and he is not? Why has my extreme, bad case, turned out to be such a miracle and his didn't. Who knows. It will be a question I ask my creator some day. What I do know is that illness and death are no respecter of persons or situations. And truly, bad things happen to good people. The results of free will and living in a world of sin. Mine is a miracle that is the result of love, prayers and support. Many times over the last several days I have gotten emotional just thinking about what a miracle this has been, and how blessed we are to have such great family, friends, and workplaces. I wish I could thank each of you face to face. But no matter what we do or say, we can never repay what we have been given, nor are there sufficient words in the English language to express or gratitude to all of you for the love, prayers, and support.

I wrote about mothers on my previous blog. I wrote about my mother and how our relationship has grown. I feel the same about my father. He has been there for me everyday, step by step. And I cannot thank him enough. I cannot imagine having gone through this without him. He has been here for us in every way imaginable. One of the biggest for me has been being able to pick up the phone and call my dad on those days where my head wasn't in a good place. Just talking to him, even if not about the cancer, always helps me get back to the right frame of mind. My parents have taught me so much about unconditional love and support, and continue to help me learn how to be a better parent. I wish I could express to you how much this experience has changed my family but I just cannot. I try and remember every day not to take for granted that we will always be here, and that life can change that at any moment. Again, what a great time to learn how to be truly grateful for my family. One of the other lesson's that my parents have taught me is that gratitude needs to be an everyday, vital part of my life.

It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday dealings and problems in life. It is easy to allow those things to get me down and frustrated. We have had our share of those things of late. Anna's tooth incident started this week off. After they got home from the dentist Sunday, Rebecca and I were sitting on the back porch and she told me that the dentist asked her at one point if we still have a certain dental insurance. She replied yes to which the dentist answered, "I wish you didn't". I told Rebecca, that is code for get ready for a huge bill. We will probably be paying of medical bills for years to come. Then Monday Rebecca lost her debit card. We had to cancel it. I picked up her paycheck from work this morning thinking we would be able to deposit it today, but no, the city post-dated it for Friday. It's always something. Gratitude. During these times it always helps me to take an inventory of myself and all the things I am grateful for. Amazing how well it works for me. And today, I am thankful to be alive, thankful for my wife, kids, and all my family and friends. Thankful that in this economy I have a good job. I am thankful I have a car to drive, clothes to wear, a warm house to live in. I am thankful that I live in a free country. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital or going through chemo. You know what is funny, today I am most grateful that I am again typing with two hands! Wow what I take for granted in life. Taking things for granted. Okay, I will save that for another day. This post is getting long I know.

Well I will stop now. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We love each and everyone of you. My prayer is that all of you will have the best Thanksgiving ever. And that we all focus on what is important in life, and that's each other. May God bless you the way he has blessed us.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath.........

It was a beautiful fall evening. There was a slight breeze blowing, wafting just the faintest hint of a fireplace from some where unknown. The air was clear, and the sky full of birds going who knows where. I had the grill on, with beautiful chickens, who gave their lives for the best cause, slowly basting. The ribs marinating, waiting to be cooked and devoured. The fire pit was prepared anxiously waiting to warm us up and help us relax. The kids were in the front yard playing. I could hear their giggles and laughter when the breeze would relent. I reluctantly went inside to change my clothes. As I finished I went to the living room and was speaking to my wonderful wife. Suddenly the door opened and we heard the muffled cry of Brianna. I have a rule with the kids, if your not bleeding, you better not be crying. (Only kidding, geeze, get off my back!) As I turned the corner and just began to give my famous saying, I saw her. A bloody paper towel held in her mouth. Blood dripping down her chin and on her shirt. Tears meandering down each check. I froze in my tracks! I shifted into that Type A, cop, I am trained for anything, I will fix anything, hands confidently on my hips with my chest puffed out frame of mind and boldly said, "what happened?" Its like superman had arrived! I began preparing to spring into action to render first aid for any cut, scrape bump or broken bone. Ready to bound to the car and drive to the emergency room. Brianna answered in a paper towel muffled voice, "I knocked out my tooth". At the same time presenting her right hand which contained her tooth, root and all! I bravely turned, looked into her mother's eyes and said, "holy cow she knocked out her entire tooth". I then boldly walked back to the bedroom, thanking God that Rebecca was here and it didn't happen on Mr. Mom's watch!

True story. And it happened Sunday afternoon. You know, I won't go into great detail, but I have seen a lot. Murders, suicides, car crashes, drownings, all kinds of carnage. Doesn't bother me a bit. I will go on one of those calls, then go right to eat. No problem. But there is just something about the teeth and mouth that gets me. I am going to admit something I probably shouldn't. I haven't been to a dentist in over fifteen years. They are mean, pain inflicting, people, who I am fully convinced do it on purpose. I have known several of them over the years who I really like as people, but something happens when they put on the coat. Okay, okay, I know it's not true. And there is one who I am especially grateful for now, even though it didn't start that way. Rebecca, being the great mother she is calmly stood up, took the tooth and put it in a glass of cold milk. She then called the dentist for help. The dentist then told her we should put the tooth back in place. WHAT? PUT IT BACK? I don't even want to look at it. Why on God's green earth would I even begin to know how to put it back. See, dentist's! Rebecca didn't feel comfortable with that idea either. So the now wonderful, awesome, best dentist in the world, met them at her office to fix the tooth. The dentist put the tooth back in place and after a failed attempt to take a mold and make a retainer, put four braces across her front teeth to hold it in place. She will go back in two weeks to have it checked and will possibly have to have a root canal. Anna, (what I call her) has been a trooper. She is a tough little girl. We don't really know all the details of what happened. She was roller blading in the driveway with a metal curtain rod in her hand. Somehow she fell forward and hit the rod. The first thing she wanted to know when she got home was if her brother's had thrown away the rod! She wanted it gone.

But what really got to me, and the reason for this post, is what I observed. It is Thanksgiving time, a time to be grateful. What I watched take place between Brianna and Rebecca was the amazing mystery of the child and parent relationship. Especially the mother and child. Mother's, I would argue, are one of God's greatest creation's. It reminded me of my mother. Rebecca stayed calm. Never got excited. Which in turn kept Anna calm, and yes me too. I would watch them as Anna would hug her and there was something indescribable about it. That mother child connection that is a gift from God. As I thought about it while they were gone, I thought about what I have been through the last several months and how much my mother and father have meant to me. Those long conversations I have had with my mom that are different than ever before. Something about facing my own mortality forces me to focus on the things that are important, and draws me closer to people. I have always been close to my mom. But this has stripped away any last issues I may have had with my family, and drawn us closer than ever. My mom has always been there for me no matter what. But things are different now, better, better than I could have ever imagined. It's a mom thing. Those hugs, the love, the words of wisdom and support, indescribable. It's what I think is God's best example of his love for us. Unconditional, supportive, calming love. God figured out a way to give us the best earthly example, even though his is much greater, of the kind of love he has for us. What an incredible lesson in love. It is another great lesson that I am learning through this tough time. Thank you to all of my family for your love and support. I can't do it without out you.

Mom, thank you. You are the best. I Love You!

I had a brain scan done last week. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't a good experience. I don't know who was more happy to see me leave, me or the radiology tech. It wasn't pretty. But, the scan can back clear. Another amen. I go to the surgeon tomorrow and I am hoping to be released to go back to work. I am not holding my breath, just hoping. I don't think my arm is ready yet. I will post tomorrow night and let everyone know what happens. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Thought you all might like a few picks of my beautiful bride. I know most of you are asking yourselves, how did I pull that off! Please don't ask too much, it might ruin it. I have no idea how I convinced her. She is the best. And wow is she gorgeous!

I am going to go in a little different direction with this posting. I read a blog the other day where a man, a minister, wrote about the importance of being pruned. I understand pruning. One of the many hats I wore before finding my way in life was landscaping. Some of you may have fountain grass or monkey grass in your gardens. Both of them should be pruned in the fall. They should be cut back, almost to ground level, and then in the spring and summer they will grow back and be fuller and taller. If you want a tree to grow tall, healthy, and give good shade then the branches toward the bottom of the tree need to be cut off and encourage the growth to be higher up the tree. Also, any dead or damaged limbs need to be removed. Pruning. Pruning is a good thing no matter the application. It removes the old and encourages growth and health in its recipient. (Funny, the English language. Prune, the fruit and juice, disgusting. Prune to get rid of the old and encourage the new, good!) The author of the blog, like me, has cancer. If I understand him right he refers to each of these experiences as God's way of pruning. Getting rid of the old ideas and issues and bringing us to a place in life that is basic. Bring us to a place where we start to realize what is important in life. I know what is happening to me is pruning. Sitting around the house not being able to work, having only one hand each day, being told you have cancer, these are the power tools of human pruning!

But as I have pondered this question of pruning I have asked myself is it really God doing this. I can honestly tell you that not once have I asked why me. As my friend Chad said, why not me. I have talked to many of you since all this started and some of you, who know me well, have said when you do something you do it right! A truer statement was never spoken. I don't know whether or not plants can feel. I have my doubts. But I can tell you pruning doesn't feel too good for me. Being told I have cancer, not being able to work, all the pruning happening to me right now doesn't always feel good. I wish I could sit here and tell you everyday has been great, and I rejoice everyday for this gift, but I can't. Some days are just not good. Some days I just want to scream. Some days are great. Some days I think, ok I got it, I understand. And as I sit here I still ask myself is this the direct hand of God, or is this just life? Did God do this, is he just allowing it to happen, or is it just life? I don't believe God "did" this to me. Did he allow it? I really don't know. I don't presume to know what God is thinking. But the question I keep asking myself is, how many pruning opportunities have I missed in the past? See, when they are big events, like cancer, I get it. But I look back and realize how many smaller opportunities I have missed. Driving in traffic, situations at work, people, the list is long. Let me give you an example. Before getting married, I lived alone for several years. I am a very clean and neat person when it comes to my house, almost obsessive. It's easy to keep things clean when you live alone. Marrying my beautiful wife meant moving into a house with four other people. Three of whom are kids. Let the pruning begin! Don't get me wrong, I still keep the house clean, but I have had to learn to not worry so much if things aren't just the way I like them. It's okay if the bed didn't get made. It's okay if shoes aren't put up or there's a few dirty dishes. Honestly it doesn't stay that way for long, but the pruning comes in not getting upset about it. Learning to put things in perspective by what is really important. It's a process, and I work on it daily. But hopefully I will be much more aware of these opprotunity in the future, no matter the size.

Well on the cancer front, we spoke with the doctor's office today and the latest tumor is clear. No cancer. Thank God! Also, after much prayer, talking and reasearch, we have chosen not to do the treatments. We simply feel the risks far out way the reward. I have talked enough about the side effects, but simply put we don't want to risk any long term damage to my mind or body. So, time to get back to life. Hopefully I will go back to work next week and be on light duty. We went grocery shopping today. I need to get back to work, and get a second job!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

Three kids and me. Five grilled pork chops, one whole fryer chicken grilled, one container of rice and one bag of salad. Dinner time. After dinner, zero pork chops, one half of fryer chicken, one half container of rice and an empty bag of salad. $25.00. Friday payday, priceless, at least for a few days! Man they just never stop eating! Anybody got a mini-van they want to donate? Why you ask? Ever seen the movie Mr. Mom? I am the epitome of Mr. Mom, but now days they are called soccer moms, thus the need for the mini van! And all still one handed. The only thing I am not very good at one handed is folding clothes, but come to think of it I am not good at that two handed.



Well I know it has been a while since I have written. Playing soccer mom has kept me busy! There also hasn't been any news to write about, at least until this week. I have had four doctor's appointments this week. The first was my primary care, the theme of which was my weight and blood pressure. And then he talked some about my blood pressure then my weight. Then we talked some about my weight and my blood pressure. You get the drift. Then off to the Oncologist. I was hoping to find someone with wings, a wand and some pixey dust to sprinkle on us to give us that magical answer we've been looking for. Wait for it......NOPE, just a human like the rest of us. (I must say she was great. Rebecca and I both really liked her a lot.) We talked to her for quite a while. She repeated basically everything we have learned already. No magic dust. She told us that the interferon has a history of very tough side effects, both physical and mental, and that she has never had a patient complete the full round of treatments. At one point she summed up how I feel right now. Keep in mind I will paraphrase, but basically what she said was it's gotta be tough deciding whether to do the treatments and possibly be sick for a year, with not much hope for a good result, or choose not to and just wait for the other shoe to fall. That's how we feel everyday. As I have stated before the best the interferon can promise is maybe a 10% reduction in the recurrence rate and maybe push back the recurrence time by a year. It does nothing to improve the survivability rate. So again with the dilemma. We have not made a decision yet. For me it will be a quality of life issue. The real struggle for both of us is if we choose not to are we going to feel like we are doing everything we can. Or will we feel guilty that we aren't. I have searched for answers in life before and never felt like I got them, not until the decision was made and I was able to look back and see if my decision was the right one. This is one of those that scares me to think time will be the answer. But then again I could be hit by a bus before then! I said in an earlier blog how my wise mother told me welcome to your new life. Well to give you a glimpse I went to the dermatologist's office this morning. One of the things I will have to do is go to the dermatologist every three months, along with the Oncologist. I had my first full body scan this morning. The doctor found a small lump under the skin on my right shoulder, with a mole on the top of the skin next to it. She then numbed my shoulder, cut the tumor out, then stitched the incision. Then told me she was not too concerned but it needed to be sent to the lab to be tested. Great, more waiting to hear test results. But that is what my life will be from now on. Oh and I almost forgot. I went to the surgeon's yesterday for a follow up. The skin graft is looking good. I don't have to wear my sling anymore but I do have to keep it wrapped. I still cannot use my hand and will not be fully released to work for at least three more weeks. So here we are. I have never felt so at a loss. I am afraid to do the treatments. But I am afraid not to. I am scared to let my family down. I am scared to put my family through me being sick and depressed for a year. I am scared of losing my job or my income. Or do we wait. I just don't know.



What I do know is this, each time we face a new obstacle, my resolve to become a better person is challenged. As I have said all along, my perspective on life and what is important is changing. One of those areas is work. I love being a cop. I hope to have a long and enjoyable career. But what I have realized is pre-cancer being a cop was who I was, not what I did. It should be what I do, not who I am. I also can look back and realize that I would too quickly get caught up in the gossip and the small petty things that just don't matter. I would allow what others would do or say to affect me to the point of losing sleep. I made it more important than I should have. Don't get me wrong, some of it you can't help but bring home. Ours is a tough job. The things we see, hear and have to deal with. You have to be a special person to do what we do and keep your sanity. The world is not a pretty place. But if I can change my perspective on work, and keep it in it's place, I will actually be a better cop. Keeping my focus on why I became a cop, to make a difference.

I have been asking myself a question a lot lately, if it all ends tomorrow, did I leave this place better than I found it? Have I done and been the best I could? Right now, today, no I haven't. So my new goal is each day when I lay down to sleep, can I do so with a clear conscience that I did the best I could and somehow made a difference, even if only a small one. Tough challenge for me.

Keep us in your prayers. Hopefully we will find out next week if the new tumor is cancerous. Again with the waiting! I also found out this week I only have ten hours of sick time left, but have to be out for three more weeks. Because of my generous boss, or the "the boss" as I like to call her, and some light duty, I think we have it covered. But if anything should change in the near future, life could get even more interesting. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....