Prayer Request

I just posted a new blog before this one, but this one is much more important. Our family needs more prayers. First of all, my uncle's wife, Leah, has been battling an unknown infection and other associated problems. She still needs a lot of thoughts and prayers as the doctor's continue to figure out what is going on. My cousin Tom, who lives alone in Austin, Texas, lost the sight in his right eye several weeks ago. Further testing has revealed a tumor on his right optic nerve that will require surgery on Wednesday of this week. It will be a major surgery, removing part of his scull, and removing the optic nerve. (I think.) He will be in ICU after the surgery. We also ask for your prayers for Rebecca's brother, Brian, and his family, as he does what our country asks of him in Afghanistan.

When it rains it pours. But, as I have said many times, we cannot do this without each of you and the thoughts and prayers you have continued to offer up for us. We pray simply for peace, guidance, and comfort. Thank you again to each of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath................

It takes a village......

I am noticing things more these days. Or at least I am paying more attention, escpecially to things spiritual. The things God wants to show me. I don't know if it's the cancer, or just getting older. Probably a combination of the two. But I noticed something this Easter weekend. Rebecca's brother is in the Army and was sent to Afghanistan last week. His wife and 19 month old came down and stayed with us over the weekend for Easter. On Saturday, she and Rebecca left me with Nathaniel while they went to run some errands. I know some of you are shocked, but really, I can babysit! We had a pretty good battle of wills after mom left, but once he realized he wasn't going to win with me he was great. At one point he fell asleep and I thought about the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. And it got me to thinking about my childhood.

It takes a village to raise a child. I know we don't live in villages here, but I really think that it still applies to us today. At least as I look back on my childhood, it applied to me. As a parent now, I realized Rebecca and I are very careful who we allow our children to be around. (It may also have something to do with what we do for a living too!) But we associate with adults who are like minded, have the same values, and raise their children much the way we do. We don't allow our kids to spend the night with a family we aren't familiar with or who do things drastically different than we do. We spend our time with others who have the same values and belief system we do. The people who watch our kids know that they have the right to discipline them when necessary, but we also trust them to teach them the same values we do. I also hope that our kids will feel comfortable talking to them if they need to.

As I look back on my childhood I realize there are many people who have influenced my life and helped me become the man I am today. I understand that my parents had the same values, outlook, and attitudes that Rebecca and I do when it came to the people I was around. Being a preachers kid who moved a lot, there were a lot of people. Not to mention the coach's, teachers and others who influenced me. And as I look back I grasp the value of my parents wisdom in who they allowed me to spend time with better than ever. I guess, like many other times in my life, it took this weekend with Nathaniel for me to really get it.

I am going to do something I try not to do very often. I am going to name names. I don't, not because I don't want to, but because I am always afraid I will leave someone out. So if I do I am sorry. As I stated, there have been many. Jim and Mary Morrison, Rob and Kathy Gandy, Doyle and Faye Jackson, Ken and Laura Lovett, Janice Ogden, Mike Lewis and the list goes on. But there are two in particular that I want to thank. Gene and Katie Reeves. You have to understand. Their son, and my best friend Shawn, spent more time together growing up than any of us can remember. When we lived in Ada, Oklahoma we were together every chance we got. I spent hours and hours at their house and with their family. And I realized this weekend a big part of who I am today is because of Gene and Katie. They taught me about work ethic, honesty, commitment, and more importantly love and the value of family. Gene taught me what it meant to be a man who loves God and takes care of his family. Katie taught me the value of that family, and just like my mother, how a wife is supposed to be. I will never forget the love and acceptance I always felt there. Shawn and I did a lot of things wrong and got in trouble, but I always knew they loved me no matter what. I could go on for hours but I won't. But I want them to know I now realize what a huge part they played in my life. Much of the fight that I have right now to fight the cancer, and the commitment to never give up, came from them. Gene and Katie, thank you. I love you guys.

And it's not just them. It is everyone who has touched my life through the years that gives me the strength to fight each and everyday. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and for all of my villagers, thank you. I am here today because of each of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Random Pictures

Spring Time

Well again it has been a while, I know. I go through "moods" I guess, one may call it a time of speechlessness. Bottom line, I haven't felt much like writing. The mood hit this morning, even though I really don't have a lot to say! Things are good at the Wileman's house. I got to see my new nephew a few weekends ago. My brother Jared and his wife Lindsay have a new baby boy, Parker Thomas Wileman, who is the cutest kid in the world! My brother, sister and I and all of the grandkids were at Grams and Papa's house a few weekends ago and it was great to be together. We have been doing a lot of spring cleaning and working in the yard a last few weeks. The garden we built is doing great. (I included some pictures of it and the "herb table" we built.) It has been a far more enjoyable than I ever imagined. It is very fun and rewarding to build something, plant things, and watch them grow as we try our best to take care of them. We have redone all of the flower beds and I have worked on the grass that still doesn't want to cooperate. Rebecca and I spent the entire day working outside yesterday. It's our "escape", therapy, and quality time together and we love it. Even though I will spend the rest of today on the couch in pain, it is well worth it. The picture of us, by the way, is at the Houston Astro's game from the last trip we made down there.

For any who may not have heard, our last trip to Houston was just a meeting with the doctor to discuss the next step. They are sending me to Nashville to Tennessee Oncology. The gist of it is we are running out of options. The doctors in Houston feel the next best step is to try a new drug that is not FDA approved, but is available for compassion cases. (Those like me who are stage 4 and nothing else is working.) The drug is specifically designed to target melanoma with the BRAF mutation that I have. It show's good results initially but from what we have read for most people the cancer comes back and comes back worse than before. The doctors in Houston even warned us about it while we were there last time. So we have an appointment on May 2nd in Nashville. It isn't a guarantee that we will get on the drug. The doctor in Nashville will make that decision after our meeting. So we push on. I think the worst part of this for Rebecca and I is the unknown. Not to mention we aren't excited about starting over with a new doctor, new place, new drive, new hospital, new everything medically. I am definitely being removed from my comfort zone in Houston. We won't go back to there unless this drug doesn't work and the doctor's in Nashville can't help us anymore. So, Nashville here we come.

I am feeling ok. I still have issues from the side effects caused by the chemo. We have had a lot problems with my incision from the last surgery. The glue and tape they use to close it up doesn't like my body. Part of the incision opened back up after surgery and we have been having to baby it to get it to close. More wound care, dressings, gauze pads and time caring for it. You would think that we would be used to it by now! I have such a great wife who does a great job caring for my wounds. I am trying to do more physically to get some strength back. I am getting there slowly but have to be careful not to over do it. The kids are doing good, looking forward to the end of school and summer time. Rebecca is well and still putting up with me, thank goodness! We are getting ready for Easter weekend and time with Rebecca's family. That's all for now. We wish everyone a great Easter weekend and hope you all can spend time with family and friends. That is after all, what really matters.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath......................

Surgery

Well we are back in the hotel room after being released the day after surgery. I feeling better than I expected. I am swollen and sore, but the pain isn't as bad as I had anticipated. I have another drain tube to deal with for a week or so, and can't say that I am real excited about it. Over all, the surgery went well. There were no complications or problems. The surgeon told us this morning that he was able to remove a little over a third of the tumor. He told us he couldn't remove it all because the end closest to my arm pit had grown around the artery that feeds blood to my right arm thus preventing him from cutting into it. Another part, around the bottom, was lying across a nerve bundle, also precluding any cutting. So there is still some tumor left. One of the reasons for the surgery is so that the T cells from it can be harvested. One of the things they can do is harvest those cells, which means separating them from the tumor, "clean" them up, and then put them back in my body. Once they are healthy and put back, the theory is they will target the bad cells and kill them off. It is a long shot in several ways, but it can be a last case scenario if we get to that point. I get the feeling after the last several days, that it may be the biggest reason for doing the surgery.

As for any further treatment it is still up in the air. We still haven't met with the oncologist. We did speak briefly with his Physician's Assistant on Monday. What we found out is that I do have the mutation they were looking for. (From the biopsy we did here last month.) The good news is that there are two drugs right now that are showing promise in treating melanoma, but only if you have the mutation. (It's official name is V600E, sounds like a motorcycle I know.) Neither are FDA approved as of today, but both can be used for compassion cases like mine. On a side note, a compassion case is someone like me who is stage 4 and other treatments aren't working to kill the cancer. As you can imagine I don't like the term compassion case. But it is the reality of the situation for us. The one that seems most promising for me is only available at three places around the country. The closest to us is Nashville, TN. So there is a possibility we may have to start traveling to a hospital there. Having not met with the doctor, we just don't know anymore. And we don't know when that will be. We are waiting for them to schedule an appointment.

I will be honest. I have been a bit frustrated with the doctor here in Houston as of late. There has not been much communication with us, phone calls have gone unreturned and lots of questions remained unanswered for us. Personally, I don't like going for so long without some sort of treatment, given the history of my fast moving and growing cancer. Especially being here and not being able to get those answers. But we press on. This has definitely turned into a marathon and not a sprint. And I have been more a little more negative about it all here lately. So last night I had to do something I was taught a long time ago. I simply thanked God for all the good things that have happened and all of the bad things that haven't. Like I still feel good most days, am still very functional, I have not had to deal with any infections or major side effects, I still have the same small amount of hair I started with, the same big belly, I don't have to take too many medications, and I am sleeping again. I still have the best family and friends in the world without question. So, today I will try and stay focused on the good and not the bad. One good thing that did happen this week was I convinced them to take the "pick-line" out of my left arm that has been there since October. As of Saturday I will be able to once again take a normal shower, without having to wrap my arm in plastic wrap! It's the small things.

That's what we know for now. I do know that I have a follow up appointment with the surgeon on Monday April 4th. As we know more we will let everyone know.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..........

Raised Bed Garden

Last Saturday morning Rebecca and I awoke and found ourselves in a very strange place. It occured to us both that we actually had two days with no kids and no plans. Two whole days with nothing, nada, zip, zero, nothing to do. I should have known better. I knew she would have something up her sleeve, and sure enough it wasn't long before she was informing me of a new project.

She has always, even though we haven't done much of it, enjoyed planting and gardening. The problem is we live in a rent house and are limited to what we can do. So her resolution was something called a raised bed garden. We then began look at different examples on the Internet and finally found one she liked. It stands about waist high and is around 8"-12" deep and could be as big or small as you want to make it. After some discussion I was sold and we were off to Lowe's. (Of course it was an easy sell for me because it involved lumber and power tools!) After spending about an hour buying the material, we were home and off to work in the garage on our latest project. On Sunday evening we were able to stand back and look proudly at the finished project waiting to nurture and grow what I am sure will be the best tasting vegetables in the world!

What's my point you ask? Well, it is something even I wasn't expecting. I think I have a good relationship with my wife. We have our moments like all couples do, but for the most part we have a great relationship. What I found was this was one of the best things we have done for our marriage in a long time. First of all, it got us out of the house and away from the television. Even with me not working, it has become so easy for us to sit in front of the TV during our down time and simply zone out. Not communicating or spending any real quality time together. The second thing was it gave us a very attainable common goal, and the satisfaction of accomplishing that goal, and seeing the end result. I think it can help us with our long term goals as well. Seeing what we are capable of when we work together, and seeing how well we work together. We never argued or disagreed the whole time, not once. It gave me the satisfaction of teaching my wife to use power tools, and the joy of watching her discover that she liked working with wood, using tools, and building something. (And come to find out, she is very good at it!) And for someone like me, a male with a very Type A personality, it was good to stand back and not completely take over. And it was good for me to teach someone else something while not trying to control them the whole time. Part of learning to let go and let someone else. It gave us two days of exercising our bodies and minds while enjoying each others company. It gave us the chance to talk like we hadn't in a while. And we did.

So I guess my point is this. I will now look for other common tasks we can accomplish together. Not only did we build something that we can physically touch, and something that we can use on a daily basis, but we built something in our marriage that we can continue to build on. We made memories those two days in our garage, with no one else around. We strengthened our bond, our communication, and our sense of teamwork. And the best part is I got two days of being with my wife. Priceless.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................

Facing My Realities

I was asked by someone this week to share my thoughts on living and dying. The request was based on the question, if you were told you had a year to live, what would you do? On the surface it seems a simple question. And I think that many times when posed with that question most of us have a simple, almost rehearsed answer. Most of us have a bucket list. Travel, spending more time with family, quitting our jobs, are some of the things I have heard and even said myself. The reality of an honest answer can be quite different. I have learned that over the last year in facing my own mortality. As always, I try to be honest here and this will be no exception.



For me it is a difficult question to answer. I have thought a lot about it since asked, and I don't know that I will share all of how I feel about it at this point. Let me first of all say this, the doctor's have not given me a set amount of time. I have never been told, you have six months, a year, or two years to live. So to honestly answer how I would feel if I had been told I have a year left simply isn't possible. We know the statistics for someone in my position. And I have definitely been put in a position to ponder my own mortality. I can tell you a few of the reasons I don't have a "bucket list". The first is money. I hear people say when answering that question that they would quit their jobs and travel. I giggle when I hear that because that tells me they have money stashed away somewhere. I don't, so travel will not be an option! One of the other things I hear is, I would quit my job. So far, the cancer has taken care of that for me! Do I have a few things I would like to do before I die? Of course I do. Maybe I will get to do them, maybe not. What I will focus more on as the weather continues to warm is playing as much golf as possible and doing as much fishing as possible. Besides my family, those are the things I most enjoy after all.

I think we all have regrets in life. I know that there are certain things that we would all change if we could go back. But we can't. As I have looked back on my life the things that I regret the most are the times I hurt those closest to me. And as I look to my life in the future my goal is to live in a way that causes no more pain to those people. A person once told me the best way to make amends to those we have hurt it to never repeat those mistakes and never hurt them again. At this point in my life one of my biggest regrets isn't what I did, it's what I am not able to do. My wife and I are fairly simple people. We don't care about possessions or toys. Our biggest goal in life is to buy a place with land and a house, in the country, where we could raise the kids and some animals. We had begun working toward that last summer. Now, with me being sick and not working it won't happen anytime soon. Not being able to help see one of your wife's dreams come true is hard. Along the same lines I could see how it would be easier for someone in my position to go out and do or buy a few things on that bucket list. Rebecca and I both would love to have a new truck. But one thing I realized early on is that I still must be smart about how we spend money. I still have a family to take care of and me being irresponsible would not be fair to them. Another reason I don't have a bucket list.

In the final analysis what I think about life and death, and looking at it from a perspective of having a short amount of time left, is really pretty simple. I am a Christian and know where I am going. I don't spend a lot of time wondering about heaven. I know that my pea brain can never comprehend it. When I get there, I will know. For my life on earth and how ever much time I have left, I simply hope for peace and happiness. Really what we all want I think. I am not an intellectual. I am a simple person with simple hopes and dreams. I hope for as much time as possible to spend with my family. When I do think about passing on what grieves me the most is losing them. Period. It makes my heart hurt in ways I cannot describe. What gives me the most joy when I think about living is my family. Period. I think for me it is more an issue of balance. I am learning to enjoy each day more than I ever have, but still do the things that are required of me each day. Paying bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, the world doesn't stop just because I am sick. I try my best to instill in our kids what I have learned and believe, and do the best to help them become their best. I try harder to be the best husband I can be, and show my wife how much I love her. I try to face this challenge of cancer, no matter it's results, with strength, dignity, humor, and resolve. Hoping that it will teach our children how to face life. I try each day, sometimes without doing them well, to be more compassionate, understanding, caring and tolerant. I think more these days about leaving this place better than I found it.

Those are but a few of my thoughts. One thing I am finding is that even the way I think and feel about life and death is, in some ways, an ever changing process. I guess one thing that doesn't change is I try to focus most of my energy on getting well. We have a long ways to go with no guarantee's. But no matter what I will never give up fighting, not only to stay alive, but to enjoy whatever time I have left.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............