Questions To Ponder........

I know this is going to sound like a country and western song but, what would you do if your doctor told you that you had 6-9 months to live and they are going to try a medicine that may or may not work? And if it does work it will only work for a little while, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, or not at all? I know I tried to address these questions in a blog not long ago, but I don't really think I did it justice, so I am going to try again.

Let me first say, in our commitment to be ever honest, I think some misinterpret the honesty for negativity. Please don't misunderstand, we are not negative. We have never, nor are we now giving up. We will fight no matter what. But I still hold firm to the belief that we must be honest about where we are. And I share our lives, like I did in the previous blog, so that others can see life doesn't stop no matter what. Not only do we deal with the cancer, we still have to deal with life, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Not only do we deal with life, but everyday those words, you have 6-9 months left if not treated, echo in my mind. I will be 4o in August. I used to joke and say I will never make it to 40. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never joked. But as I approach my birthday, I daily examine my life and the possibility I may not be around much longer. Not something I was planning on at this point in my life. But it does cause my to examine where I am at and the kind of person I am.

Let me first say, I do not spend time looking back. I don't do the if only, or I wish I would have. I believe the past is where it belongs. I cannot go back and change anything, and any time I would spend dwelling on it, or worrying about it, is time wasted. And I also don't live today in fear or in shutdown because my day's may be numbered. I try my best, and I don't always do it well, to enjoy each day that I have and be happy. But being in the position I am now, I do think about the end. One of the things I think about quite a bit, and just shared with Rebecca not long ago is, when we discuss things in the future my first thought is always, will I be here? For example, we were discussing the kids school year next year and all I could think was will I be here. When we talk about Tyler going into high school I think, will I be a part? It makes it difficult to plan for the future. Obviously we plan like I will be here, but to say it's not in both of our minds would be a lie.

Also, being a husband, father, man and provider, I worry about what would happen to my family after I am gone. I worry about their financial situation, worry about the yard getting mowed, worry about the oil getting changed, and worry about the little things on a daily basis that I take care of. Mostly I worry about their emotional, spiritual, and physical well being. I worry about Rebecca and her sense of loss and loneliness, and pray for her strength and healing. And yes, she and I have discussed how I feel about her moving on someday, and how I feel about her getting remarried. (Which for the time being is just between us.) I think about how grateful I am that I met and married her, and thank God she is part of my life everyday no matter how long or short that time may be. What I will say is all I care about is she and the kids being happy with or without me. We have also discussed with the kids the possibility that there may come a day I won't be here anymore, and that while okay to be sad, it's also okay to move on someday and enjoy and make the most of life. (Not fun by the way.) All the while living right now like things are as normal as possible, and enjoying my time with them, imparting as much of me in them as possible. (Whether they like it or not!) We have talked about my funeral, though not in final detail. But Rebecca know they gist of what I want.

I think about my parents and the fact that your not supposed to outlive you children. As a parent now, I cannot imagine what that would be like. I am more thankful each day for them and how they raised me. I try to call them more, almost everyday, and spend as much time with them as possible. Some of the things that go through my mind are, I am glad I am not their only child, and I am grateful they have grandchildren. I think a lot about how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I think about my brother and sister and their families, and am grateful if this had to happen to one of us, it was me. I am very grateful neither of them or their families have to deal with this. I think everyday how grateful I am for my family and their love, strength, and support. And for making sure my family has what it needs everyday.

I think about all of the friends I have made through the years. I am especially grateful for the ones who continue to stick by me everyday, who stay in touch, hang out with us and are there unconditionally. It is from you and my family that we gain much of the strength we need each and everyday.

What I don't think about. And it will be random. I don't think about the end itself. It will come whether in months or years. When eating that doughnut or steak I don't think to myself I shouldn't be doing this. Now, I just do it. I don't think to myself, I need to get off the couch and go run or walk. I just don't! Actually I can't it hurts too much right now. I don't think, I really need to do a will. I just did it. And there ain't much to leave anyway! I don't think, some day I want to drive to Houston or Nashville. Well you know. I am not sad that Oprah is going off the air, I don't care. I don't think, you know I will be 40 in August, I really need to get to the doctor and have an annual check up!

This is but a part, an honest part, of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I bring it up again because I was asked again the other day about what I think about possibly nearing the end. I think about everything you can imagine and then some. I think about how many people would come to my funeral. I think about how long it will be before people don't think about me so much after I am gone. I do think about Rebecca getting remarried. I picture being at each of the kids high school graduations. I think about the IPad 4 or 5, which ever one it would be. Right now, because life hasn't stopped and there is so much going on in our lives, I am overwhelmed and can't seem to think about a whole lot. But if you noticed, like I did, there was one theme that seemed to keep coming back while I wrote this and it's gratitude. And it's true. I am continually grateful. Grateful that if this had to happen to me, this was this best point in my life for it to happen. Words will never do justice to how much I love my wife and how grateful I am for her and the kids. I am grateful for my parents and the way they stand by us, and love me unconditionally. I am grateful this happened to me and not someone else, especially not one of the kids, or my niece's or nephew. I am grateful for my friends and their love and support.

I know this was a little long and a lot of this I have written about not too long ago, but God put it on my heart and I felt led. I really don't want anyone to think the honesty is us giving up. WE ARE NOT! I just felt led to let you in a little on what goes through my head each day. We love each of you and cannot thank you enough for your support. We did get a call from Nashville yesterday and we will be going back next Tuesday for appointments on Wednesday. Hopefully after the appointment we will be starting the new medicine. Oh and do me a favor. We absolutely love it when people leave comments on our blog. Do us a favor and if you do leave a comment, and don't mind, please sign your name to it so we will know who you are. If you really just don't want to we understand, but we like seeing them and knowing who it is.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Quick Update

It is a chilly Saturday morning. I don't like saying that. It was 90 degrees here on Monday and today the high is only going to be 62 degrees. Gotta love Oklahoma weather. I am not a big fan of heat, but after the winter we had was really enjoying the warmer weather. The cool is hard on the garden and my body!

The saying if it can go wrong it will has truly applied to us as of late. Both cars in the shop, the garbage disposal quit, Rebecca's computer crashed and it's permanent, and our horse and colt died during birth. Last Sunday Rebecca went into to work to take care of a few things and while getting out of the car fell and landed on her elbow. The x-ray's were negative, but it is very swollen and she is in a lot of pain. She is off work until the doctor's release her. She has an appointment with an Orthopedic specialist this coming Monday to try and determine if there is any major nerve or ligament damage. I am not feeling well most days but still try and do as much as I can. I don't share all this to complain but simply to say I have been reminded that no matter what happens on the cancer front, life doesn't stop. All of this, combined with the latest news from the doctor's, had made it tough on Rebecca and I. We are learning each day about simply putting that one foot in front of the other.

The truth is I have been reminded about a lot of things the last couple of weeks. I have been reminded how important the people in my life are. We have had family and friends who have stepped up and gone above and beyond to help us the last several weeks with different needs. We cannot say thank you enough. As I have stated many times this journey cannot be done without each of you. We truly have been reminded that life doesn't stop no matter what we are going through. And I am learning all over again that getting mad about it doesn't fix it or change it. It only makes it worse. I am discovering that I have now have physical limitations that I have to accept, like it or not. So I am learning how to either do things differently or accept the fact that there are some things I may not be able to do anymore. And there have been a lot of things happen that I won't even discuss here.

Combined with all of that, and especially because of the news from the doctor, I am reminded that I have to do my best to let go and trust God. It ain't easy. I have to be honest, I know that on the cancer front, we are running out of options. I have never been so scared. And I am reminded that no matter how bad I want to be, or no matter how hard I try, I am not in control. I haven't learned how to completely let go. I would like to think that I am getting a little better then something happens and I am reminded how I am not. But I still try every day. I do my best to put my trust in God. It's when people like I mentioned above either call or send words of encouragement, or do something to help, that I am reminded how God takes care of us and gives us the strength we need each day. It's the people. It's my family and friends that God uses to help get me through each day. So we continue on, putting one foot in front of the other, and doing our best to trust God. I need to refocus on just enjoying each day that I am given and not worrying about the things I cannot control. So today I will just enjoy the day no matter what it brings and focus on my family.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

News from Nashville

This is the first blog written from Nashville. I don't think it will make my writing any better. Sorry. I am also tired and a little grumpy so this one will be to the point. I will say that the drive to Nashville is a much prettier one than the drive to Houston. There are also many more interesting places to stop and visit and we have taken advantage of them so far. But as always we are ready to go home. We will leave in the morning and hopefully be back in our bed tomorrow night.

The visit today was good. We liked the Doctor and staff very much, feeling comfortable with each of them. It was good to get another perspective on where I am at with all of this. He basically agreed with the Doctor's at MD Anderson. He said left untreated I have would have about 6-9 months left. He also agreed that the new drug they are going to put me on is the best option we have at this point. As I have stated before the drug isn't FDA approved yet but can be given to compassion cases like me. There are a few hoops that we have to jump through before we can start the treatment. The biggest one being the drug company has to run test's on it's own of some of my tissue samples. That and the other few things that are required will take about a month. So hopefully we will be back here in a month to finish up the red tape and begin the medication. It is in pill form and is one I will take everyday. I have to come to Nashville once a month to get the medication and do testing. The one thing all of the Doctor's have made clear from the start is that this is not a cure. All of the patients who have been on it so far did well for a while but at some point the cancer came back and was usually worse. He did say that they are learning more every day about why that happens and are working on new medications. He told us this drug will hopefully extend my life until new medications are discovered that will work better. One of the good things is that the side effects are very minimal and should be much easier on me than chemo.

One of the concern's that we have had is that I am feeling worse as of late. I am having more and more days where I simply don't have it in me to do much. I am in more pain each day. We knew these day's would come. One of the things we like about this Doctor is that they are helping us address these issues. They spent a great amount of time talking with us and helping us formulate a plan to work on the pain and discomfort issues. The Doctor explained it to me this way. He said it is like my body is constantly on a treadmill fighting the cancer and it never takes a break. Basically my body never really gets any rest. He said the body can only do that for so long before it just gives out. So hopefully if this new chemo and other medications do their job my body will get a break for a while.

As always after these types of visits we are both wiped out. It continues to be an emotional roller coaster. I think the best way to describe us right now would be numb. There is so much going through my mind right now, along with several other things that have happened over the last week, I cannot even begin to put it all in words. We simply ask for your prayers. Hopefully tonight will bring rest and tomorrow will bring home!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...........

Prayer Request

I just posted a new blog before this one, but this one is much more important. Our family needs more prayers. First of all, my uncle's wife, Leah, has been battling an unknown infection and other associated problems. She still needs a lot of thoughts and prayers as the doctor's continue to figure out what is going on. My cousin Tom, who lives alone in Austin, Texas, lost the sight in his right eye several weeks ago. Further testing has revealed a tumor on his right optic nerve that will require surgery on Wednesday of this week. It will be a major surgery, removing part of his scull, and removing the optic nerve. (I think.) He will be in ICU after the surgery. We also ask for your prayers for Rebecca's brother, Brian, and his family, as he does what our country asks of him in Afghanistan.

When it rains it pours. But, as I have said many times, we cannot do this without each of you and the thoughts and prayers you have continued to offer up for us. We pray simply for peace, guidance, and comfort. Thank you again to each of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath................

It takes a village......

I am noticing things more these days. Or at least I am paying more attention, escpecially to things spiritual. The things God wants to show me. I don't know if it's the cancer, or just getting older. Probably a combination of the two. But I noticed something this Easter weekend. Rebecca's brother is in the Army and was sent to Afghanistan last week. His wife and 19 month old came down and stayed with us over the weekend for Easter. On Saturday, she and Rebecca left me with Nathaniel while they went to run some errands. I know some of you are shocked, but really, I can babysit! We had a pretty good battle of wills after mom left, but once he realized he wasn't going to win with me he was great. At one point he fell asleep and I thought about the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. And it got me to thinking about my childhood.

It takes a village to raise a child. I know we don't live in villages here, but I really think that it still applies to us today. At least as I look back on my childhood, it applied to me. As a parent now, I realized Rebecca and I are very careful who we allow our children to be around. (It may also have something to do with what we do for a living too!) But we associate with adults who are like minded, have the same values, and raise their children much the way we do. We don't allow our kids to spend the night with a family we aren't familiar with or who do things drastically different than we do. We spend our time with others who have the same values and belief system we do. The people who watch our kids know that they have the right to discipline them when necessary, but we also trust them to teach them the same values we do. I also hope that our kids will feel comfortable talking to them if they need to.

As I look back on my childhood I realize there are many people who have influenced my life and helped me become the man I am today. I understand that my parents had the same values, outlook, and attitudes that Rebecca and I do when it came to the people I was around. Being a preachers kid who moved a lot, there were a lot of people. Not to mention the coach's, teachers and others who influenced me. And as I look back I grasp the value of my parents wisdom in who they allowed me to spend time with better than ever. I guess, like many other times in my life, it took this weekend with Nathaniel for me to really get it.

I am going to do something I try not to do very often. I am going to name names. I don't, not because I don't want to, but because I am always afraid I will leave someone out. So if I do I am sorry. As I stated, there have been many. Jim and Mary Morrison, Rob and Kathy Gandy, Doyle and Faye Jackson, Ken and Laura Lovett, Janice Ogden, Mike Lewis and the list goes on. But there are two in particular that I want to thank. Gene and Katie Reeves. You have to understand. Their son, and my best friend Shawn, spent more time together growing up than any of us can remember. When we lived in Ada, Oklahoma we were together every chance we got. I spent hours and hours at their house and with their family. And I realized this weekend a big part of who I am today is because of Gene and Katie. They taught me about work ethic, honesty, commitment, and more importantly love and the value of family. Gene taught me what it meant to be a man who loves God and takes care of his family. Katie taught me the value of that family, and just like my mother, how a wife is supposed to be. I will never forget the love and acceptance I always felt there. Shawn and I did a lot of things wrong and got in trouble, but I always knew they loved me no matter what. I could go on for hours but I won't. But I want them to know I now realize what a huge part they played in my life. Much of the fight that I have right now to fight the cancer, and the commitment to never give up, came from them. Gene and Katie, thank you. I love you guys.

And it's not just them. It is everyone who has touched my life through the years that gives me the strength to fight each and everyday. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and for all of my villagers, thank you. I am here today because of each of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Random Pictures

Spring Time

Well again it has been a while, I know. I go through "moods" I guess, one may call it a time of speechlessness. Bottom line, I haven't felt much like writing. The mood hit this morning, even though I really don't have a lot to say! Things are good at the Wileman's house. I got to see my new nephew a few weekends ago. My brother Jared and his wife Lindsay have a new baby boy, Parker Thomas Wileman, who is the cutest kid in the world! My brother, sister and I and all of the grandkids were at Grams and Papa's house a few weekends ago and it was great to be together. We have been doing a lot of spring cleaning and working in the yard a last few weeks. The garden we built is doing great. (I included some pictures of it and the "herb table" we built.) It has been a far more enjoyable than I ever imagined. It is very fun and rewarding to build something, plant things, and watch them grow as we try our best to take care of them. We have redone all of the flower beds and I have worked on the grass that still doesn't want to cooperate. Rebecca and I spent the entire day working outside yesterday. It's our "escape", therapy, and quality time together and we love it. Even though I will spend the rest of today on the couch in pain, it is well worth it. The picture of us, by the way, is at the Houston Astro's game from the last trip we made down there.

For any who may not have heard, our last trip to Houston was just a meeting with the doctor to discuss the next step. They are sending me to Nashville to Tennessee Oncology. The gist of it is we are running out of options. The doctors in Houston feel the next best step is to try a new drug that is not FDA approved, but is available for compassion cases. (Those like me who are stage 4 and nothing else is working.) The drug is specifically designed to target melanoma with the BRAF mutation that I have. It show's good results initially but from what we have read for most people the cancer comes back and comes back worse than before. The doctors in Houston even warned us about it while we were there last time. So we have an appointment on May 2nd in Nashville. It isn't a guarantee that we will get on the drug. The doctor in Nashville will make that decision after our meeting. So we push on. I think the worst part of this for Rebecca and I is the unknown. Not to mention we aren't excited about starting over with a new doctor, new place, new drive, new hospital, new everything medically. I am definitely being removed from my comfort zone in Houston. We won't go back to there unless this drug doesn't work and the doctor's in Nashville can't help us anymore. So, Nashville here we come.

I am feeling ok. I still have issues from the side effects caused by the chemo. We have had a lot problems with my incision from the last surgery. The glue and tape they use to close it up doesn't like my body. Part of the incision opened back up after surgery and we have been having to baby it to get it to close. More wound care, dressings, gauze pads and time caring for it. You would think that we would be used to it by now! I have such a great wife who does a great job caring for my wounds. I am trying to do more physically to get some strength back. I am getting there slowly but have to be careful not to over do it. The kids are doing good, looking forward to the end of school and summer time. Rebecca is well and still putting up with me, thank goodness! We are getting ready for Easter weekend and time with Rebecca's family. That's all for now. We wish everyone a great Easter weekend and hope you all can spend time with family and friends. That is after all, what really matters.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath......................