Running out of titles.............

Man it is quiet in the house this Sunday morning. The kids are gone and Rebecca is still sleeping. I enjoy quiet much more than I used to. It gives me time to sit, be quiet, and reflect, if I choose to, and I have to be honest, I don't always choose to. I am learning that there are some times thinking too much at this point in my life isn't always a good thing. But I am learning to enjoy it every chance I get.



I was sent the link to a blog this week written by a man who is a journalist and melanoma survivor. (He is a much better writer!) The first post I read was about his struggle to be honest about his feelings. As any who follow my blog will know, I try my best to always be honest about where I am at and what I am feeling. So it was good to read about someone else's struggle to be open and honest. I have to admit, there are things that go through my head almost on a daily basis that I simply don't share with anyone. And I think for a multitude of reasons. One of them being I have learned that some people simply aren't prepared to hear certain things. I shouldn't expect people to always understand my fears or concerns. I also am careful not to share certain things because I don't ever want anyone to think that I focus on the bad in this thing. But for me to not have those thoughts and fears is unrealistic. I have yet to figure out how to be fear free. Fear is after all a God given, self-preserving instinct. I also believe, and this isn't rocket science, that I have to deal with my fears but not focus on them, or maybe a better way to say it is I cannot obsess on them. But all of this got me to thinking, how do I expect others to respond when I ask them how they are doing?

We all do it. When we see someone we know it is natural to ask, how are you? Do I expect an honest answer from them, or do I simply want the proverbial everything is good response? Do I expect the same honesty from the check-out person at the store as I do from my best friend? Am I prepared to be a good listener no matter who needs to talk? Simply put, I don't expect the check-out person to be as honest as a friend. And I hope that my wife will always answer more honestly than anyone else. But the question that I have come to ask myself, no matter who I ask is, do I really want the truth? Am I concerned enough about others to be prepared to listen when I ask? What is my motivation? Keep in mind, I don't think the check-out line at the grocery store is the time or place, but, I still must ask myself if I really care about them. Or am I too concerned about me and my life that I cannot focus on someone else, even for a few minutes.

Many people have asked me if this journey through cancer has changed me and my perspective on life. Simply put yes. It would take years to write about all of the ways. And I am starting to learn that this is one area I haven't done well in. Too many days it has been too easy to focus on only me and my problems. I have not been the kind of husband, father, son, brother, friend, or human being I should be. I haven't really wanted people to be honest with me when I ask them how they are doing. I haven't done much to serve others. So the question now is what will I do about it? Am I willing to get out of myself and focus on someone else, even if for a moment? Will I be willing to listen to someone who may need to talk? Will I do more for others without any expectiation of any reward? Can I get out of my own way?

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............................

Well it has been a while, I know. I am not sure why. One reason is since the last medical update there isn't any new medical news. I did finish another round, and started on the latest one yesterday. I suppose I could call it writers block, but I am not a writer. The treatments are getting tougher and I haven't felt well most days. But I guess no matter what I call it, the bottom line is I just haven't felt like it. I wouldn't say that I have been depressed, but some days I have been down. I try my hardest to stay positive no matter what but I guess I am also human and this is turning out to be a long process.

I guess God knows what I need when I need it. Over the last couple of days he has brought people back into my life that I haven't spoken to or seen in a while. As some of you know I am a member of the Oklahoma Fraternal Order of Police. I know some people have there opinions of us overall so if you do keep them to yourself! What we are is a bunch of Police Officers who simply take care of one another and fight for what we feel is right. The FOP has been incredible to my family and I during this time. Anything I have needed has been done. They have supported us in ways that still humble me to my knees. I got to spend the weekend with many of them I don't see very often and it was just what I needed. Hearing them and their genuine love and support what just what the doctor ordered. There is no better organization or group of people in the world. Yesterday I was contacted by a family that I have known but not spoke with in years. They shared their stories of cancer, and have already become a great support. Then I received a phone call from an old friend who has been great at staying in touch with me.

I attended a funeral on Friday that was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Her name was Jennifer Mansell. I met Jennifer around 12 years ago. She was a Tulsa Police Officer and a cancer survivor. She battled breast cancer for 10 years and it finally won last Monday night. Cancer again took one of the truly great ones. She was one I could call on anytime and knew she would be there for me. Even though she worked for a bigger department, she never looked down on me or treated me any different than she did anyone else. She was honest, hard working, and loved life. Sitting at the funeral, (which if you have never been to a Police Officers funeral I strongly suggest it, there is no other like it) I was reminded of how tight a bond we have has Police Officers, and saw how many lives she touched during her time on earth. Obviously Jennifer and I have at least two things in common and sitting through the funeral brought a whole new range of emotions for me at this point in my life.

But what I came away with from all of this is the reminder that family and friends is what we have here, period. Money, possessions, toys, none of it matters. I wrote a blog a while ago about God not giving us more that we can handle. I wrote about one of the ways that God does that for me is through all of the people in my life. My family and I cannot do this on our own. God uses each of you to give us the strength we need each day. I was reminded that I cannot isolate myself from the world no matter how I feel. We were not intended to be alone. I have a friend who used to say if God wanted me alone he would have put me on my own planet. He was right. Thank you to each of you for all you do for us. As I have said many times before, we simply cannot do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......................

Update

Sorry, I should have done this sooner. We went to Houston this week for a scheduled exam and doctor's appointment. We had Christmas with Rebecca's side of the family yesterday at our house. We got back from Houston late Wednesday night so I haven't taken the time to sit down and write.

So the latest. After another wonderful round of CT and MRI scans and x-ray's, we met with the doctor. I won't go into great detail but the visit didn't start off well. The physician's assistant went over the Radiologist's report with us. Based on what she said, there wasn't much change in the size of the tumors. When the doctor came in he asked us if she had gone over the reports with us and if we felt good about them. I obviously said no. Long story short, he explained that the Radiologist compares the last round of tests with the current one, thus showing little change. He then stated he looks at the very first test in October and compares it with the ones done on Wednesday. Doing that, you can definitely see a change in the tumors. The large one under my right arm is showing a black spot in the middle meaning the cancer is dying. The smaller tumors in my lungs have shrank some. The larger tumors have shrank some as well but not much. I also have lymph nodes in my pelvic area that are cancerous as well. The doctor seemed a little more pleased this time with the progress than he usually does. He stated he had hoped for more results but some is still better than none.

He also told us that I came to him with more disease (cancer) than anyone he has ever seen. He then said I have more disease than two or three of his patient's combined. Not what you want to hear from your doctor. But, as he stated, the good news is, it still isn't in any of my major organs, or my spine, or any other place that would change things in a major way. And we thank God for that. So the plan. I will do two more rounds of treatments here in Tulsa. After them we will return to Houston for our normal check up. At that time we will meet with a surgeon as well and will schedule a surgery to remove the tumor that is under my right arm. (Actually it is on my chest area on the right side directly across from my bicep.) This is where it get's technical. Apparently, and I cannot pronounce the name, melanoma can mutate. When the tumor is removed it will be tested for the mutation. If mine has the mutation, they will change me to a pill form of chemo that is effective for treating the mutation. The testing part takes a while, so while waiting to get the results I will do another two rounds of chemo here at home. After the results we will decide what to do next. The final step will be another surgery on the larger tumor in my left lung. There is an outside possibility that if the nodes in my pelvic area don't completely shrink I would have to have surgery to remove them.

So again, not great news, but not bad news. I asked the doctor if he was happy with the progress. His response, he was hoping for more shrinkage. But the best part is there is shrinkage and there are no new growths. So we carry on. I have to be honest, I can't get very excited about more chemo. Each round seems to be a little tougher that the last. But at least we will be home. Keep us in your prayers, as I know you do. I am working on a blog about this last year and the challenges we face this year so I won't carry on too much here. But 2011 is shaping up to be another year of challenges for us. We are going to face it head on like we did in 2010. And I am going to do my best to remember to........

Put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...................