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It is Saturday as I write this. I am trying to get it done before 3:00 pm because it is that time of year again! OU football. They play at 3:00 today and once kick off comes, I will be doing nothing else but watching the game. What a great time of year. Cool Saturday's with nothing to do but be lazy and watch football. And for anyone who is wondering, my wife is a huge football fan, especially OU football. Yes I know I am lucky. One of the reasons I married her.

We have a little bit of news. We met with the surgeon yesterday. The first thing is he took the drain out of my arm pit which I am very grateful for. They aren't so much painful as they are annoying and restrictive. The final pathology lab came back on Thursday and he was able to let us know what they said. They took 15 lymph nodes out during the surgery and of those, 3 were cancerous. I think in my previous blog after the surgery I talked about a tumor under my arm that they weren't able to get to through the first incision. It too was cancerous. Also some of the tissue he removed that was around the nodes was cancerous as well. The rest of the nodes and tissue he took out was clear. It's what we all expected. No better, no worse. On Wednesday and Thursday I was very sick. I had chest and head congestion along with aches and pains and couldn't hardly get off the couch. After sharing that with the surgeon, he told us that it is a viral infection and is most likely what caused my breathing problems on the operating table. We know there will probably have to be more surgeries in the future and we were worried about the breathing issues. He assured us that the issues were a result of the illness and nothing else, and that we shouldn't worry about any more issues during any future surgeries. We have not met with our Oncologist here and don't know when we will. We do have an appointment at MD Anderson in Houston next Friday the 17th. We are going to meet with them and see what they say. We will then come home, met with the Doctor's here, and formulate a game plan. If we feel that I can be best treated in Houston, we will do everything we can to make that happen, if it's at all possible.

Again with the hurry up and wait for answers. I think yesterday both Rebecca and I reached a point that we just flipped the proverbial switch and turned it off. We are both worn out and needed to rest. I cannot say enough about my wife. She is incredible. She has taken care of me, the kids, the house, and been constantly on the phone getting medical records and talking to Doctor's office's. Tenacious doesn't even cover it. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. We are shutting it down for the weekend. We are going to rest this weekend, try not to think too much, and hit the ground running on Monday. We really appreciate all of the emails, calls, and texts from everyone. It means a lot to us and gives us strength everyday. We know things will be a little different this time, but the one thing that will never change is that all of the thoughts and prayers we receive are what helps us get through no matter what the road ahead my bring. Thank You!

Post Surgery

I am sitting on the couch, writing and watching TV. In case you are wondering the show is one of those entertainment shows and they are talking about "Dancing with the Stars". Wow, do we not have anything better to do now days than watch people, called stars, dance? And how is Bristol Palin a star? That is thirty seconds of my life I will never get back!

Well, as I stated, we are home. The surgery went okay. Once I was under, the doctor began and removed the first lymph node. It was then immediately sent to the lab where it was tested and confirmed that it was cancer. He then removed all lymph nodes that he could find. He also told us that there was an area of tissue that didn't look good to him so he removed it as well. After that he began working on other areas of tissue, as we understand it, as a precautionary measure. During that time I stopped breathing, and did so a few times. The decision was then made between he and the Anesthesiologist to stop the surgery. He did tell us that he accomplished what he hoped to but was unable to continue to do more because of the breathing issues. We hope that all was removed and won't have to do another surgery in the same area, but that will remain to be seen. We will now have to watch the issues that come with having the nodes removed. The next step, at this point, will be to make an appointment with MD Anderson in Houston. We are going to try to get it done next week. The Oncologist here will wait on the lab results to come back and we will then meet with her and begin to formulate a treatment plan. As I stated in my previous blog, much more will be known once the labs come back. I am feeling good for the most part. I am in a small amount of pain but it is much better than the last two surgeries. I do have another drain tube in the arm pit that we have to drain once an hour or so, but luckily this time the after care is minimal.

The last two times I have had surgery we made arrangements for the kids to be elsewhere. This time, after some discussion, we gave them the option to go to school or go to the hospital with us. Each of the last two times it was hard on them to not be there through the whole process, which left them with a lot of questions. The hope was if we took them they would feel more part of the process and help answer some of their questions. They each chose to go with us and I am glad they did. They got to be there with their mom and my parents which I think helped all of them. They did great too. They got to watch the IV nurse put my IV in, got to see the inside of the room, and got a great laugh when they saw me in the "gown". It was quiet funny to watch and listen to them try not to laugh out loud when they saw me.

Well, it wasn't the news we were hoping for. It was the worst case scenario at this point. We still have a lot of unanswered questions that will simply take time. We have always known in the back of our minds that this day and others like it could come. As I think I stated in the last blog September 24, 2010 would have been my one year mark. Almost made it. I cannot even begin to express the feelings and emotions we have all felt over the last few weeks and especially today. Scared, angry, numb, hopeful, overwhelmed, tired, we have covered them all. Funny how things change so quickly in life. We face a new challenge, one that brings more to the table than last time. Along with a greater sense of urgency, comes an even greater will to fight no matter what it takes. I have been reminded today as I spent time with family and friends, that nothing else matters but my life with my family and friends. Each of you brings strength and hope into our lives everyday. My outlook is simple, I will fight with everything I have and enjoy each day to it's fullest. And at least if I am going be sick in will be in the fall and not the horrible heat we have had this summer! We will do our best to keep everyone informed as we go.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Short Update

This one will be short and sweet. I am scheduled for surgery Tuesday morning at 7:00 am. Much more will be known after the surgery and we will post a new blog and let everyone know what we find out. We are taking today (Sunday) to just be lazy and enjoy the day. I told Rebecca today is a time out!

Information Overload!

Well I am going to skip the weather issues and other anecdotes on this one. It is going to be a long one, sorry. We have been filled with tons of information over the last two days and in the final analysis, I don't know that we feel any better about things than we did before. I will do my best to explain in short and understandable terms where we are.

Let me first cover some points about melanoma. It is probably the least understood cancer, and without a doubt the hardest cancer to treat. Mine was an advanced melanoma. And with melanoma the cells, in the beginning, are microscopic. So small in fact that they can, and normally go undetected by all tests until they reach a certain size. The obvious problem with that is once they are detected they can be a serious issue. For example, one of the questions we had was my blood work. Every time I go to the doctor they do blood work, and every time it is fine. When we asked the doctor about that she said that is normal. It very rarely shows itself in the blood work. The next issue, and really the main issue with melanoma, is a term called metastasis. In essence, it means the cancer cells have begun to spread. I call it going mobile. With melanoma, the statistics are not good. Most don't survive advanced melanoma. And one of the worst things that can happen is that it shows up later in another part of the body. Thus, it metastasizes. It has gone mobile. One of the things we asked the doctor was when it shows up in another part of the body like my lymph-nodes, is it still melanoma or is it lymphoma? The answer was simple, melanoma. She said that once that diagnosis has been made, no matter where it shows up it is still melanoma. When we left the doctor's office yesterday my dad said it best. I will paraphrase, but basically he said, everything I have read about melanoma is, if it comes back anywhere else other than the original site, it is not good. It means that it has metastasized and the fight is on. I don't know a better way to sum it up. Another of the basic questions was, what stage do they consider me. Cancer has four stages, one through four, four being the worst. She has me at stage three. Bad, but not stage four. Stage four is mostly when it gets into organs. Obviously our fear at this point is that if it has metastasized it could be in other parts of my body but has not grown enough to show itself yet. One of the doctor's statements to me was, I understand this is your worst fear come true. Very true.

The next step is surgery. I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday the 7th. What the surgeon will do is take out a lymph-node, do some sort of test where they freeze the node and photograph it. From that they will be able to confirm that it is cancerous. At that point they will do a full node dissection. When they remove the nodes they will be biopsied and from that the Oncologist will be able to determine a lot. They will then be able to tell if it has metastasized. Don't ask me how, that is way over my head. But the information they receive from the pathology lab will determine what will happen next. Another one of the issues discussed was possible treatments. Basically chemotherapy is useless against melanoma. There will most likely be radiation on my right arm and shoulder area. You may remember when we went through round one, one of the suggestions was a drug called interferon. At the time we opted not to do it. It is the only drug, so far, that has shown any affect on melanoma. But it is a horrible drug for most people, with terrible side effects. Our doctor did say that we might have to look at it as a real possibility this time. (We hope not!) There is a new melanoma drug that has shown the best results by far, but it has not gotten final approval by the FDA yet. I think that the biggest thing that has caught me off guard so far was, if they do a full node dissection I will possibly have a lot of problems in the future with my right arm. With the nodes gone, a great amount of fluid will collect in my right arm causing swelling, lymphedema, and infections. One of the biggest contributors to those issues is usage of the arm. I will have to limit what I do with that arm. Not good for my line of work. I won't be able, if those things occur, to fight with people or do too much with that arm. When we brought that up with the Oncologist the first thing she said was that I may not be able to be a cop anymore and that she would help us get on medical disability. We asked the surgeon about the same issue today and he confirmed my fears as well. In our retirement system I cannot medical retire until my ten year mark. I am at six and one half. Not what I wanted to hear. I knew what the end result of the cancer could be, but I never thought I may have to give up the job that I love in the process.

Let me first of all say this. We are not being negative, nor will we EVER give up. Rebecca and I made a few commitments to each other when all of this started a year ago. The first and foremost is that we will always be honest with each other, the kids, and each one of you. I was watching a video clip the other day on the new melanoma drug on MSNBC. The first statement that the doctor being interviewed made was, "advanced melanoma historically is a death sentence". That is our reality. Not that we think that will happen. But we also won't bury our heads in the sand, whistle dixie, and pretend everything will be okay. We have to know what we could face. The fact is, if things go the way we think, this is going to be a greater challenge. We both have to worry about sick time at work. I have some left but it won't last long. The kids still have to be fed, the bills have to get paid, life goes on no matter what. The fear is multiplied this time, partly because we are more educated that we were the last. One of the other commitments we made was that when we get bad news, we give each other a day or two to feel whatever we each need to feel. Whether it is angry, sad, scared, frustrated or any other feeling. We give ourselves that time to feel it, deal with it, and be done with it. We then come back together and say, okay, enough. Now we shift those gears and fight, period. We are pushing in the clutch and starting to shift. It is going to be a long weekend waiting for Tuesday. But, one thing is for sure, we have been through a lot and have learned how to keep going forward and fight with all we have. We have a great support of family and friends who have done and continue to do so much for us. It has been great to have my Mom and Dad with us every step of the way this week. So that is where we are and what we know. And yes I asked the surgeon today if I got the buy three get the fourth surgery free deal and he said no. Oh well, worth a try. We will keep everyone updated as we know more.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breathe.............

Round 2

Let me just get this out of the way. I am ready for fall. Enough of the heat. And yes I know, in December I will be begging for warm weather. I have tried to water the weeds in the front yard for the last several days to try and green it up a little but I am afraid I am wasting my money!

Well here we are, Round 2. We had hoped that we would at least make the one year mark, which would have been September 24. But we didn't. For those who don't know in July I had surgery for an umbilical hernia. When they got me into the operating room the surgeon, who knows my history, found a lump on my stomach he didn't like and removed it. It was tested and came back clear, but is the kind of lump that turns into melanoma. (And yes I was off work for 6 weeks. I am trying to set a record for days not worked in a year!) A few weeks after my surgery I found a large lump, unlike anything I have had, in my right arm pit, in the area of lymph-nodes. I finally went back to work a week or so ago on a Wednesday evening. On the following Friday I went to see the Oncologist. After examining the lump and the other one she found that I had missed, she told me that I would have to have a PET Scan and to be prepared for the fact the cancer had come back. We got the results back yesterday and they told us that several of the nodes in that area "lit up" on the PET scan and are enlarged. The next steps at this point will be an appointment with the Oncologist today, an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and surgery sometime in the next week. Yes, more surgery. They are going to remove all of the lymph-nodes under my right arm. And off work again. I am going to break that record. I am also going to ask the surgeon if there is some sort of buy three get the forth free surgery, or frequent surgery miles. I gotta get something at this point besides more scars! We don't know, at this point, about any chemo. or radiation. When we went through the first round the doctor's told us that if a recurrence happened in the same area there would be some sort of treatments but it is still too early to know at this point. We are grateful that so far it doesn't appear to have spread any where else. With melanoma, it still could be somewhere else we just don't know it yet. We have learned a lot about melanoma over the last year and each recurrence is very scary because it can spread fast and is so small that even a PET scan won't pick it up for a while.

That is what we know at this point. We are scared to say the least. I think that in the back of our minds we knew this day would come again, we just didn't expect it so fast. I have had numerous lumps and moles removed and tested over the last year and each has been fine, and I think in some ways we just expected them all to turn out that way. I don't care how many times you hear you have cancer, it never gets easier. And having to tell my family and friends isn't much easier either. We are still somewhat in shock and are a little numb at this point. The worst part this time was the waiting to get answers after the doctor's appointment. That feeling of limbo, not knowing, is almost worse for us than knowing that I have cancer. We have talked many times over the last few days that a least if we had answers we can shift gears and get into the fight mode. So that is where we are today. Shifting those gears and putting together a game plan. We most likely will, at some point, head back to MD Anderson in Houston at least for a consultation. I want to always keep that door open and have that tool at our disposal. We will have more answers over the next few days and will post a new blog as soon as we know more. I know that each of you do, but keep us, especially the kids and our families, in your prayers. When we told the kids last night they handled it very well. Later in the evening the each got very emotional with tears and hugs. There is no more helpless feeling in the world. They have been through a lot and it is very frustrating for me to know that they will have to go through even more. Round 2. Time to get the gloves on and fight.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Been a While

Well, I am good at one thing in life and that is stating the obvious so here goes; it's been a while. I must once again apologize for not doing a better job of keeping everyone updated. I have had several people contact me either through emails, or my parents, or by the phone inquiring about how things are going. Hopefully I will answer those questions. We, like everyone else in the world, have been extremely busy. Rebecca and I were laughing the other day because we couldn't wait for the kids to be out of school for the summer so the schedule would slow down. But quite the opposite has happened. They are, and will continue to be, even busier than they were during school! They are having a good summer though and that is what matters.

On the cancer front. All is clear! I continue to go to my tri-monthly doctor's appointments with the Oncologist, Dermatologist, and regular doctor. If I have never written before about my dermatologist visits I will now. They aren't fun. Since my initial diagnosis and surgery, I have had three different moles removed and tested. All came back fine. And it isn't the four or five shots they give you to numb the area, or the sawing, cutting or burning of the mole that I dislike. What I don't care for is the exam itself. Simply put, it is me, in my birthday suit, with at least three women in the room while the doctor (female doctor) goes over every inch of my body. Uncomfortable for me to say the least. Yes ladies I know it isn't comparable. But I must admit, I am not a small guy and it is just not something I look forward to. I digress. In all seriousness, we are extremely grateful that I am clear so far. And I know that all the exams, tests, blood work and doctor's visits are vital to my health. We are very grateful that we have such tremendous doctor's. I will say that it has been a rough first half of the year otherwise. While not directly dealing with cancer, I have however been dealing with a lot of other health problems. As I stated in my previous blogs I have had very high blood pressure. With medication that seems to be under control. I have adjusted quite nicely to the CPAP (breathing machine at night) and am sleeping very well. I have had pneumonia, along with numerous other small health issues. While those are not large issues in and of themselves, what has been frustrating is I used to never get sick. And as I stated before I am not a great patient. A few weeks ago I notice a "bulge" by my belly button. I had my suspicions and went to the doctor last Tuesday and confirmed that I have a hernia. A umbilical hernia to be exact. I saw a surgeon on Wednesday who told me it needed to be fixed. He also told me that if it filled up with waste could make me septic, or cause an infection, which would lead to bigger problems. So the bottom line is I cannot wait and will have surgery next Friday, July the 9th. It will be out-patient, but will be a fully under, incision in my stomach kind of surgery. What really got me is there is a six week recovery time where I cannot lift or strain that area in anyway. Which is bad for me in my line of work. Not to mention I was hoping that I would be able to spread out my next surgery time to like, oh I don't know, ten years or so! But I guess this is the next adventure that life has laid in front of us.

If anyone has been wondering how I have been doing in reference to some of the things I blogged about before like, patience, perspective, and attitude, let's just say some good, some not so good. It has been easy to allow myself to get caught up in life again. Work, for both Rebecca and I, has been challenging in a lot of ways. But thankfully we are both still employed! There have been other things that have been stressful, but for the most part we continue to stay focused on what is important and that is family and friends. And I have a great wife and family who do a great job of bringing me back to reality at those times I lose my focus. I told my wife on the way home from the surgeon's office that maybe I didn't learn my lesson the first time so I get to spend another six to seven weeks on the couch like a kid in time out! No, just kidding, I think this is just another issue in life. And the most important thing, we are not dealing with cancer. And we thank God for that. I will also have time to do more blogging, and I know you just can't wait. I do want to again say thank you to all of you who have asked how were are doing and for your thoughts and prayers. We simply couldn't have done it without each of you. I will try and post another blog this weekend and let everyone know how the surgery goes.

Remember each day to drink a lot of water, put one foot in front of the other, and don't forget to breath.......

Finally the sure signs of spring. Warm weather and wind. Wind that foreshadows the coming storms. I love spring time. By far my favorite time of year. I love to sit on the porch, out of the rain of course, and watch the storms lumber through. The thunder, the lighting, and that fresh smell after the rain promising green grass, blooming trees and flowers. And nights slept with the windows open. So much better than cold and snow, especially the older I get. The body is much happier.

Before I get into why I am writing today, let me first give a background. A month or so ago, there was a meningitis out break in a small town called Oologah about eight miles north of Collinsville. (Collinsville is where I work.) Several young children at the elementary school were infected. Three passed away. One was a young girl who actually lived in Collinsville. Several days after she passed away I spoke with her father. Heartbreaking. One 7 year old, Jeremiah , was infected but is still alive. That's the good news for him. The horrible news is he has had to have both his arm's and leg's amputated, and is currently out of state to have his facial reconstruction surgery. This morning several of the local Fraternal Order of Police Lodges came together and put on a fundraiser. The Lodges from Collinsville, Owasso, Tulsa, Broken Arrow, Jenks and Glenpool each set up at different locations in their cities and took donations. I was amazed as we stood in the bank parking lot and watched person after person donate money to his family. Some giving five dollars, some hundreds of dollars, but each giving what they could. It was simply humbling to watch. It gave me a little faith in humanity again. One of the fallout's of being a Police Officer is you become much more pessimistic and extremely sceptical of people. We don't usually see the good side of humanity. At the Collinsville/Owasso location we ended up raising $9700.00, with the combined total of all locations around $40,000.00 Absolutely amazing!

It's been on my mind all day. While we were standing there this morning we talked about how hard it would be to have all your limbs removed. Not to mention the agony the parents must be going through right now. At some point during the day, and for no explainable reason, a conversation I had with an old friend the other day came to mind. We were chatting on the Internet and he said something to the affect of let's have lunch sometime, you have quiet a story to tell. I didn't think much of it at first, and I am not really sure why it stuck in my head, but I think I am starting to understand now. I began to realize that no matter what, life is going to deal us all hard times. Things that, like I stated in my previous blog, are out of our control. Being diagnosed with cancer, losing a job, other illnesses, death, things that happen due to no fault of our own. It got me to thinking about my life. Yes, I have had some rough times. Especially lately. My family and I have been through a lot. But as I pondered my whole life the thing that keep resonating in my mind was most of my hard times in life were due to my poor decision making. It occured to me that there are two types of rough times, those that we have no control over, and those that happen due to poor choices. Most of my "bad" times were created by a poor decisions I had made. I know that most wouldn't find this to be a revelation. Most people figure that out pretty early in life. I guess I knew it as well, I just had never thought about it before.

As I think about it I guess the reason it is on my mind is two-fold. One, make better decisions. Life is going to hand me enough without my adding to it. There is no sense in me adding to my own problems by making bad choices. I have realized over the last few years I have made better decisions. Granted, I still have my moments of brain dead. And some decisions I make, I may have to wait to see if it was the right one or not. Sometimes the only judge of a good or bad decision is time. But I try harder today. The other issue on my mind is pity. There have been times in my life that I have pity partied about situations and circumstance. I now realize, especially when the "bad" time was due to my poor decision, that I have no right to pity party. It's like never brushing my teeth then whining about a tooth ache, or not paying rent then complaining about being homeless. Then, and this is what I was reminded of while raising money that morning, it could always be worse. There are many people out there who have it a lot worse due to no fault of their own. Those children and families did not ask to get sick. They did nothing to deserve it. But it happened. It reminded me how short my memory is. While I was sick, one of our favorite sayings was, it can always be worse. And it can. I guess the main lesson in all of this for me has been, once again, gratitude. How soon I forget. And no matter what happens pity serves me no purpose. It keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me in a place in my mind that blocks out all reason and sanity. It is a poison that effects every area of my life. Bad things are going to happen. We live in a world of sin and imperfection. The key for me will always be, when those times come, how will I handle it. What will I chose? To be as positive as possible and move forward, or stay stuck in pity? Hopefully I will also remember when making decisions not to add to those times!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........