Our family's journey with Melanoma

Too Long

2011-11-25T09:37:00.002-06:00

Well I know for those few of you who follow me it has been too long since I have last blogged and I am sorry. To say that things have been rough would be an understatmtent. Yes I am on a new drug and it has been very difficult on me. One issue we are having has nothing to do with the durg. The turmor under my arm continues to grow and in in doing so is causuing the skin to split open and bleed more than it doesn't. And when it bleeds, it really bleeds, not just a little bit. Keeping it under control continues to to be more and more of a challenge. The drug itself is proving to be a challenge as well. It has cuased more nauaesa, more to the point of not eating. I went about two solid weeks without eating much of anything, losing around 20 pounds. I was finally able to eat yesterday (Thanksgiving) so I am hoping we are over that hump for a while.

I went to the doctor here last week for reglularly scheduled blood work and found most of my count's were way out of whack. I won't bore you with the all the details other that to say it wasn't good. I ended up having to have another transfusion and had to be given lots's of fluid. I will go back on Monday for another round of test's and after a conversation with the nurse expect that I will have another transfusion next week and more fluids. (When I say transfusion, I do mean blood transfusion by the way.) When we first got home after my first treatment I was having really high fevers and very loose stools. Part of the side effects we are supposed to watch for. I pretty much have had all of the things you don't want. The simplest way I know to put it is I have been really sick. And scared.

I can say this. I think my body if getting worn out between constantly fighting the cancer and dealing with the side effects of all the drugs they have running through my body. The pain is better thanks in large part to being on a program with a pain doctor at MD Anderson. That has made some things a little easier. But I can tell that things have changed for the worse just by the way I feel both physcially, and emotionally. It has become more difficult on a daily basis. I am able to to alone less and less as things have gotten worse. I am unable to to do for myself more each day which is alway's a difficult thing for me. As you can imgaine that had put a lot more pressure on my wife and parents. Especially my wife and as you can guess she needs lot's of prayers right now.

We all need lot's of prayers and support right now. We go back to Houston on the 2nd of December for the next round of drugs. (That I am not looking forward to) We are talking about seeing if we can maybe move the treatments here and do them with the doctor's here. The trips to Houston are simply getting too hard on me. The doctor's here have proven they know what they are doing with this new drug which was one of the big questions we had when we started it. We should know more in a few weeks. That is all I have in me for now. We needs all the prayers we can get, and thank each of you for your support.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath........................

Update

2011-10-13T19:16:00.003-05:00

Well the good news is I survived the tests yesterday. It seems the more MRI's that I do, the more I hate them. I am getting to the point I am lucky to get through them to be honest. The older I get the less I like enclosed spaces and not being able to move around. The CT's I can handle no problem. But the other thing is doing all of them in one day, including all the other test's, makes for a really long day. Not to mention the trips themselves are getting harder and harder. All I can say is I will be really glad to be home tomorrow night.

The test results. Bottom line, things are worse. There is a new spot in one of my lungs, and several of the nodules in my lungs are bigger. Several of the infefected lymph nodes under my arm have doubled in size. The latest chemo. has had no effect on the cancer at all. There still is a spot in my brain, but it still remains unchanged and they won't call it cancer. We talked about two other possible drugs. One of which simply hasn't shown much promise. The second, Yervoy (Ipilimumab), is the one we have decided to try. It has shown good results in some people but still not anything to get excited about. It has a lot of very tough and dangerous side effects. It is a drug that we can get at home but the doctor was very clear that due to the side effects being so tough, that he wants a doctor who is familiar with it to administer it. So at this point we are leaning on coming to Houston to get it. I will have to have an IV port put back in my arm. It is a drug that is given every three weeks and should only be about four rounds. We will come back to Houston in three weeks to have the port installed and do some other follow up issues. We asked about why I have been so sick lately. The doctor told us that one reason is probably due to the large mass under my arm. He told us that as it grows the cells in the center die because they aren't getting enough nutrition and as they die they get into the blood stream and go to the rest of the body. Thus causing fever and night sweats and other issues.

Needless to say it was a tough day for Rebecca and I. We even noticed, for the first time, a sense of defeat or frustration in the doctor. I think we all know that the options are getting slimmer, and with me feeling worse each week it is getting tougher. But we will press on, that is all we can do at this point. I am still hoping they will find a magic pill for nausea and vomiting. Well that is all for now. Been a long day and there is baseball on. Gonna see if I can get lost in the game for a few hours.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath.............

Quick Update

2011-10-05T03:01:00.003-05:00

Well it was another beautiful fall day in Oklahoma. My wonderful wife and I got to go on an actual date tonight. What a wonderful and relaxing time it was. We actually got to go out to eat and to a movie. I have always loved spending time with my wife, but as you can imagine I value it these days even more. Plus with all the craziness of our schedules and the way I have been feeling we don't get to do it much anymore. Great night baby!

Not to mention today was a good day for me. The last week has been rough with lot's of nausea, fever and vomitting. And the typical no energy. We don't know if it is the cancer or the chemo. At this point I don't know if there is any telling the difference. I just know since getting home from Houston, it has been rough. We did manage to take the kids out of school early on Monday and take them to the Tulsa State Fair. What a great day that was. It always brings me great joy, not matter how bad I feel, to watch the kids laugh and have fun. Mom rode several of the rides with the kids, we ate lots of fair food and did lots of sight seeing. (My favorite thing is the people watching, which is a blog for another day!) It was a great day. The kids are doing good, staying busy as always. Lots of sports and school work. Rebecca is good with another crazy work week and taking care of me.

I have to tell you a story. Last week when Dad and I left for Houston we stopped in a small town in southeastern Oklahoma called Atoka. There is a Dariy Queen there where I love to eat. To make a really long story short, as we were leaving, I backed into a car that was pulling into the parking lot. It was a sweet older lady, and I felt horrible. After the proverbial exchanging of information we left to continue our trip. The following day Dad called her. Come to find out she and her late husband were members of the First Baptisit Church in Ada when Dad was the pastor there. After realizing that they each remembered each other, it was a homecoming of sorts. And after an almost 30 minute conversation two old friends were reunited. So I guess sometimes good can really come from bad. Speaking of driving to Houston, Rebecca and I leave next Tuesday to go back. This is the big trip. Testing to determine if the new drug is working, and decisions as to what will be done next. We are anxious as you can imagine. And no it never get's any easier not matter how many times we do it. So this will be a long week and weekend. Thank goodness there is football to watch. We will have answers a week from Thursday and I will let everyone know what we find out as soon as I can.

Hope everyone is doing well and having a great fall!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath................

Acceptance

2011-09-26T03:06:00.002-05:00

I was just reading a blog by a friend of mine about change. He used the example of people being against the changes to Facebook, and used that to talk about how life is about change and we must learn to be flexible and accept that change is going to happen no matter what. The real key is in how we handle that. As you can imagine it really struck home with me. My family has done nothing but see change in our lives for the last two years. What struck me was the part about acceptance because that to me is the key to dealing with change. So l looked up several different definitions of acceptance here is the one I liked best. Acceptance: The act of accepting; a receiving what is offered, with approbation, satisfaction, or acquiescence; esp., favorable reception; approval; as, the acceptance of a gift.

I am learning a really good lesson in my life right now. I know that things have changed. I know that things will continue to change, for better or worse. My cancer is proving to be something very uncontrollable. The last week or so I have started having nausea again, being really tired, having a very sore mouth due to the chemo, almost to the point I am having trouble eating. I am also not steeping well. Again writing this at 3:30 in the morning. I know that my body will continue to change, due to the cancer and all of the chemicals they are pumping through my body. I get it. I understand change that is out of my control better than I ever have. What I have a hard time with is the acceptance part. Usually my acceptance comes with an attitude of I will deal with it but I don't have to like it. What struck me is that all of the definitions that I read, somewhere in the definition, refered to accteing being a positive thing. Like the one above stated, "favorable reception: approval: as, the acceptance of a gift". I don't know about you but I don't see nausea and throwing up as a gift. I also know that having a new boss who you don't like doesn't seem like a gift. Nor do new job regulations or requirements. We all have those people we work with or a family member we have to accept as a "favorable gift". Surely an illness or death cannot be seen as a gift. The loss of a job, a cut in pay, an unwanted move, I could go on and on. It's all about those changes that life brings, want them or not.

I think what God is trying to impress upon me is that if I really want to find peace in all of this, if I want to be happy no matter my circumstances, is that I must accept whatever comes with the best attitude that I can possibly have. It's not easy, nor is it done over night. It is, for me, a process over time and a lot of work. There have been a VERY few times in my life where I was able to do that. And talking to and watching others, I realized those times that I and they were able to do that, those situations became non-issues for them. I didn't even think about it anymore. I just went on with whatever I was supposed to be doing, giving that situation no second thought. It didn't let it "rent any space in my brain". Maybe acceptance is seeing whatever I am dealing with as a gift. Maybe I am to focus on the good things that can come from that situation. I should focus on what I can learn through it that will make me a better person. Maybe I will learn what I don't want to be or act like. Maybe it will help me see the kind of boss I don't want to be, should I ever become the boss. It could teach me to be a better coworker. Maybe a better family member or friend. I do know that if I can do any of this, and it's a big if, I will grow and become a better person. It's hard to see throwing up or being nauseas as gift, but I still have to focus on the good. Like, I could be in bed waiting for the end. At least I can walk to the bathroom to throw up! And at least I can walk to my medicine cabinet to get my nausea medicine when I need it. And driinking a malt or shake when I can't swallow food, well they are never bad things! It's ice cream for crying out loud! Is acceptance a gift. Today yes. Talk to me tomorrow and the answer may be different! But what I do know is this, it is another challenge in life that if I allow it, can make me a better person. Change will come no matter what, the question is what will I do with it? And will I see it for the gift that it can be? Stay tuned..........

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....................

Update

2011-09-18T09:37:00.006-05:00

Well if you live around here and don't love this weather something is wrong with you. Of course the three days of the coolest weather we had here I had to spend in Houston where it was still 100 degrees! But this weekend the rain and cool weather has been great. We truly, like most, needed the rain. It was wonderful to sit last night and watch the thunder, listen to the rain and watch the Sooners beat Florida State!

Several have asked me how I am doing, and more specifically how I am doing on this new drug. The short answer is ok. The long answer is longer, thus being called the long answer. I had gotten rid of the nausea, but it seems to be coming back in the afternoons. I am having some short dizzy spells and light headedness, but luckily I haven't fallen. I am in a lot more pain these days. There are several theories as to why. I feel like there are several reasons, really a combination of many. One, the most obvious, the cancer. Two I think after a year and five rounds of different kinds of chemo. my body is wearing out. After having conversations with my mother and wife, and listening to the things they have read and researched, the chemo. just wears your body out. On top of that having bone and joint degeneration makes me hurt all over. The trips to Houston are getting harder on my body. It usually takes me two or three days to recover from the travel alone. For whatever reason the tests have shown that my liver and spleen are swollen which I am sure attributes to some of the pain. My kidney functions are off and my hemoglobin is still down. I know that may not mean much to most of you, nor to me, but I think they contribute to how I feel. One of the fears we have is your organs can only take so much, and chemo., after a period of time, starts to damage those organs. I think we are starting to see some of that. I don't seem to have many obvious side effects from this new drug. I think my body is getting tired and worn out from fighting the cancer and all of the drugs they have put in my body. THANKFULLY, most days I am able to function pretty well. I do have those days that I can't do anything, but they aren't as often. The biggest obstacle is I still don't have a lot of energy. But as I have stated many times, it could be worse. And I am ever grateful that it is not. Overall on a scale of 1 to 10 I would say that I am about a 5 or 6. GIve or take a little each day. And for those of you who live with pain everyday, I have a lot more respect for you. I am having to learn to just live with most of the pain and it is a tough thing to do.

I also want to take a minute to say a huge thank you to my family. I have been reminded lately how much they mean to me, and what huge sacrifices several of them have and continue to make so that I can not only fight this fight, but get the best care in the world. I have been reminded here lately that this is incredibly hard on them to go through this with me. The bottom line, I may not be here today if not for the love, support, sacrifices, and selflessness of my family. So when you pray for me, say a prayer for my family as well. I am not and have not traveled this road alone and I am so grateful for each one of them. Thank you guys. I love you all!

Well Rebecca and I are going to enjoy our Sunday. It is the only day of the week that we don't have soccer, football, band, school, work, doctor's appointments or anything else. It is our only day to sit on the couch and relax, and today we are going to watch football and chill out. And hopefully refuel for another busy week. I hope that answers some of the questions. And again thank you to each of you for your love and support. We simply couldn't do this without you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

2011-09-01T09:28:00.011-05:00

August the 30th was the one year anniversary of the second worst phone call I have ever received. I knew in the back of my mind the cancer had returned. But for me it was still hard to hear. My life had changed before that day. The first cancer phone call and all we went through that first year took care of that. I was truly living life differently. I had just been elected the Third Vice-President of the Oklahoma State Fraternal Order of Police. A huge honor and responsibility I was truly looking forward to. Things at work were good. Things at home were great with the wife and family. We were working towards hopefully buying a home. The kids were settled in, all was great. Yet somehow I knew in the back of my mind that if that day ever came, if the cancer ever returned, things would change drastically. If I had only know just how good my fortune telling abilities were.

And so the whirlwind began. Surgery, tests, and finally a trip to MD Anderson began what has been more of a journey than I could ever have imagined. One year later, hard to imagine in a lot of ways, seems like forever in others. I wish that I could say that it has been a great journey of self discovery and growth, during a time where I have been able to answer some of life's mysteries, solve long lived problems, and found a peace that passes all understanding. As I stated above, the year after the initial diagnosis, I was living differently. I valued life more. I slowed down a little bit. I didn't take as many things for granted, put my family and friends first, tired to be better at everything I did. But the changes that lay ahead were more than I ever bargained for. Because of the physical part of the treatments and surgeries I had to walk away from work. Something I have never done before. I was a workaholic. I wasn't able to perform my duties as Third Vice-President like I had wanted. It seemed even during those times I felt okay, I always had a doctor's appointment or a treatment or surgery when a responsibility came up that I needed to be a part of. I slowly had to start to give up the things I loved like fishing or playing golf. In the beginning I could stil do certain things like mow the yard, or work in the shop, things that would keep me busy. But slowly over time I have had to give those things up as well. (The one good thing is I have been able to spend a lot more time with the family and that is always a great thing.) Now days I spend most of my time stuck on the couch or in bed. As I have stated in previous blogs I am much more sick these days. Nausea, vomiting, fever, pain, and on and on. It has become very tough for me. Someone who is used to be constantly on the move. is now stuck doing nothing but sitting. And the trips to different states for treatments are starting to wear thin. And treatments, we are on our fourth different treatment, none of which have worked. And as one ends and another begins, it is becoming more difficult to be positive and upbeat that the new one is going to work. A year later, here we are, still fighting, still trying to find something that will work. And as I knew back then deep down inside, it is getting worse.

I share all of that because I made a commitment to be honest about how I feel. And a many days that is how I feel. Frustrated, scared, tired, sick, and simply worn out from it all. People don't call as much anymore. I don't talk to as many people as I used to. I have too much time to sit and think. So what now? That is a question I have asked myself a lot here lately. What do I do now? How do I continue to find the strength I need to keep on fighting? It is a question that is continually evolving. I haven't gotten there yet. I pray a lot more. I lean on my wife and family more than I ever thought I could or would. Then I make a trip to Houston and walk around and see others who are fighting and I realize several things. One, I am being selfish feeling sorry for myself. Two, I ain't the only one in the world in this position. It could be a whole lot worse than it is. I also realize how good I have it in so many ways. God continues to take care of us. Our needs are met every month, the kids are taken care of, even the dog gets to eat. It's all about my focus and what I chose to spend my time thinking about and focusing on. It's not a complicated or new theory. If I focus on the negative, I will be negative. If I focus on the positive I will be positive. It's really that simple, but not always easy. So I have to work a little harder at it, its good for me. I never thought this would drag out so long either. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I expected faster, one way or another. So, and yes I am going to say it, patience is slowly becoming a lesson I am being taught. Notice I didn't say learning. I am not even begin to explain or give any sort of dissertation on patience. As I am sitting here writing this the air conditioner in our bedroom went out. It's always something.

So one year later we press on. We continue to do our best to put one foot in front of the other. Some days are good, some not so good. The lessons I have learned and continue to learn are sometimes easy and sometimes hard, but in the end it's worth it. And as always I must give my wife a huge amount of credit. She continues to be there for me, and take care of me without complaining, not expecting anything in return. She has had to take on even more now that school has started, taking the kids to practice, school, and all their other activiites. She continues to work and take care of things around the house. She is absolutely amazing. The kids are doing well, busy as ever. We won't know until mid October if the new medicine is working or not. It's another round of hurry up and wait. You would think the we would be used to it by now, but apparently not. It's still hard as ever. Thankfully, at least for the time being, the weather has cooled off a great deal and I am hoping I will be able to get out and work around the yard a little. I think some fresh air and cool weather will do me some good. Thank you again to all of you for your prayers and support. We could't do it without you. Hopefully this new medicine will work at least enough to help me feel better. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to focus on the good things in life. Because even in the midst of all of this, there is still more good in my life than bad. And I think it's fitting that I am going through these changes during the change of season's outside. I think for me it's all about growth and knowing that I can change and grow no matter how good or bad things may get. I just have to keep my focus on the good, be open to the lessons that God is trying to teach me, and strive to be the man he wants me to be no matter the circumstances. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, no, one moment at a time.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

Catch Up

2011-08-19T02:44:00.004-05:00

Well I know it has been a while since I last blogged. We are wrapping up a week long stay in Houston that quite simply hasn't been fun. We have been here since last Sunday. The weeks leading up to the trip were crazy to say the least. School started for all three kiddos, so you can imagine how busy we were, (okay how busy Rebecca was) getting them ready for school. During most of that time I was sick, really sick. I ran a fever, had terrible nausea, and was throwing up. Along with all of that had zero energy. My blood pressure was running consistently around 95/45 and all I did was sleep. I ate maybe once every other day and lost about 10 pounds. Not fun at all. The tumor under my arm continued, and continues to grow, causing quite a bit of pain.

The trip to Houston was to be tested for a new clinical trial. And when I say tested, I mean tested. One of the things they found was that I am very anemic, which is part of what was causing me to be so sick. They gave me two pints of blood in a transfusion on Wednesday and so far it has helped a little bit. On Monday we were at the hospital from 9 am to 9 pm. I had meetings with the doctor and nurses, had a bone scan, had blood work, and had CT scans. We were off on Tuesday which was great because it was my birthday. Wednesday was much of the same, being at the hospital from 8:30 am to 10:30 pm. Thursday was 9 am to 4:30 pm and Friday was all morning with and upper GI. And I can say that not only do I feel like a lab rat, but a pin cushion as well. I have never been stuck with so many needles in all my life. I was tested in every way possible, and it absolutely wore me out. The good news, I guess, is that I qualify for and started the new medication. It is in the second phase and they don't know much about it and don't have a lot of results to go off of. What it does in theory is stop the blood flow to the cancer. Cancer likes a lot of blood flow and cannot survive without it. But being so new we simply don't know what to expect. I have to do a lot more work with this drug. I have to keep a daily log of when I take it, and keep a daily journal of how I am feeling and any side effects. I also, for the first six weeks, have to return to Houston every two weeks for check ups. One of the side effects that they watch closely is that it can cause your blood pressure to go way up. So we will see what happens.

I think we would all agree, we each know our bodies pretty well. In the weeks between the last dose of drugs in Nashville, and this trip to Houston, I knew things were changing. The tumor under my arm was growing at an alarming rate, plus not feeling well, I suspected in the back of my mind that the cancer was moving and growing again. When we met with the doctor on Wednesday my feelings were confirmed. The cancer is spreading and growing again. There is new cancer in more lymph nodes under my arm, there is now cancer in my chest cavity, and there is quite a bit more in my lungs, especially my right lung. It's called metastatic, or in transit. And it is quite a bit more. They noted that my liver and spleen are swollen, but show no masses. As I stated above I am very anemic, and am having some other problems like the nausea and vomiting, which they cannot figure out. I have very little energy and not much of an appetite. I have a lot of pain from the tumor under my arm and deal with it the best I can.

We have been doing this long enough now that when we get bad news like we did in the doctors office we handle it a lot better, at least in the moment. I sat down yesterday and read the report again and it finally sank in that the cancer is moving again, and it hit a little harder. Thankfully it has stayed out of the rest of my vital organs, but knowing that it is moving and growing again, fast, worries us. We hope the new drug will do it's job. And I have to be honest, I am tired. I mentioned in a blog a while ago that this was turning into a marathon and I was right. The other thing I don't like is not being able to do the things I was able to not long ago like mowing and weed eating, working in my shop, playing golf, and working around the house. Most days I am relegated to the couch or the bed. And that is tough for me. Some day's I have to dig even deeper to find the strength I need. But, as always we have only one choice, keep going. Not giving up or giving in. We continue to do our best to put one foot in front of the other and deal with whatever comes. I turned 40 last week and turning 40 is usually a big deal, but for me it was and even bigger deal. Much more meaningful. When all this started two years ago, I didn't know if I would still be here to celebrate it. But I am, and now I am old. Or at least that's what the kids say. And I don't know how old I feel, but I feel old! So we embark on our next phase in this journey, not knowing what lies ahead. But we will continue to try and keep life as normal as possible, and fight with all we have. Next week will be a reminder how life doesn't stop. The kids have soccer practice Monday and Friday, Tuesday and Thursday, and Tyler has football everyday after school. We haven't quite figured out how we are going to pull it all off, but it will be fun to say the least! (And it will be that way for months until soccer is over!) Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. We need them now more than ever. I will try and do a better job of blogging and keeping everyone updated.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath......................

Another Trip

2011-07-30T08:13:00.002-05:00

Well for those who may not know we just returned from another trip to Houston. With school starting soon, and not being able to do anything with the kids this summer, we decided to take them with us. They have wanted to go all along, to see what we do, so we decided this would be the best time. And I have to say that they did really well, they behaved great. They loved the hotel room, especially the 10th floor, with huge windows that you could look out and see lot's of Houston. Not to mention the swimming pool. We had a little bit of free time so we were able to take them to the Holocaust Museum and the Museum of Natural Science. Both of which were very interesting, even for me. The Holocaust Museum was incredible. It was a great reminder to me that no matter how bad things can get for me, it could always be worse. Not to mention not being able to grasp how one human being can do those kinds of things to another human being. But that is a blog for another day. Believe it or not, it was actually a little cooler there than it was here, and I mean only a little bit. And it actually rained several times. Okay, I will stop.

On the medical front, not much has changed. The only scan they did was an MRI of the brain. The good news is it was once again clear. They didn't do any CT scans because Nashville had done them so recently. Turns our Nashville didn't so the same scans MD does, and we were all hoping they had done scans. They were able to tell that the tumor in my left lung is the size of a quarter. The tumor under my arm is growing. When we asked the doctor about radiation to shrink the tumor, he stated they didn't like to use radiation because if they do, and the cancer comes back in that area in the future, any chemo. would be less effective due to the radiation. So we aren't going to do any, especially since I have had so much cancer in that area. Basically what is going to happen now is I will again become part of a clinical trial at MD Anderson. It is a drug that is based upon a drug that was created to fight colon cancer. It has been very successful on the colon cancer, and because of the success was tried against breast cancer but was unsuccessful. And it is brand new so there are no numbers to look at, no success or failure rates, we are starting from scratch. So the next step will be they will call me and set up and appointment for a physical. Then, if that goes well, we will get started on the medication. I will have to go to Houston at least once a month, like I did in Nashville, to have test's done and pick up my medication. It too is a pill I will take everyday, and has most of the same side effects the last one did. That's all we know about it at his point. We won't know anymore until we go back down and meet with the doctor in charge of the study. I would be lying at this point if I said I wasn't a little tired. Tired of trying things and them not working. Tired of the side effects that seem to be getting worse. Tired of not working or doing anything. Tired of traveling to Nashville and Houston. But it is still better than the alternative. So we carry on. We are glad to be back at MD Anderson. That is where we are comfortable. And the doctor who is in charge of the study is in the melanoma group with our doctor there, so that makes us feel better. I also like the drive there better than the one to Nashville.

Well that is about it for now. We are getting ready for school to start. I think the kids are ready, which is amazing. Everything else is well, except for this heat and lack of rain. Hopefully we will get started on the new drug sooner, rather than later. As soon as we know something we will let everyone know.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

Back to Houston

2011-07-19T09:38:00.003-05:00

We I am pretty sure that I haven't said this lately but it is hot and dry here. Really hot and really dry. Did I tell you it's hot here, oh and dry, really dry. I cannot believe I am gonna say this but it is making snow look really good, and I am not a big fan of snow. I tried to do some things outside yesterday but it was just miserable and I couldn't stay out there.

I made a commitment to be honest on here so that is what I am going to do today. Last week when we got home from Nashville, I was in a bad place. A really bad place. As I stated in the last blog this is the first time we have never had a game plan. When we got home the reality of it all set in. We are running out of options. No one seems to know what to do and everything we try fails. And I allowed myself to get lost in my head and all of the what if's. Finally on Friday I made myself get up and mow the yard. (And yes it was really hot and dry!) My wonderful wife knows me all too well and knows how to handle me. She quietly supported me, and checked on me, and reminded me that we are in this thing together. We were able to spend and evening together with the kids outside grilling steaks and playing football and it was just what I needed. Then this morning I received and email from an old friend from my childhood days that I have lost touch with. He reminisced about childhood memories and gave me words of encouragement. It was just what I needed. I have had several people who talk about how well we have handled all of this. People have complimented us on our resolve and attitude since this started and overall we have been positive and upbeat. We made a commitment to face this head on with a positive attitude, tried to keep life as normal as possible, done what the doctor's have said, stuck together as a family. And we will continue to do the same thing. We will continue to face this head on with a great attitude, humor, and as much strength as we can muster.

Why I share all of this today is that I am reminded that I am human. I am going to have those "days". I will tell you, this is the most scared I have been through this entire two year journey. I will also say that after almost a year of surgeries and brutal treatments, I have a hard time some days getting excited about doing more. I will not lie, there have been brief moments where I have thought about saying enough is enough. But I can also say that the will to live usually gives me all the motivation that I need to get busy again, whatever the treatment may be. I guess I share all of this because we said we would always be honest about what is going on. And the other reason is to again say thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. It always seems like I get a text message or phone call or email from someone at just the right time. And it isn't about the words that are said, it's about the contact with someone who cares. So thank you. I am much better now, I guess you could say I am back.

On another note, as soon as we got home I got in touch with MD Anderson. After several days of communicating with them we have an appointment next Thursday the 28th. We are looking forward to that and will let you all know what is said and done.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........................................

Strange

2011-07-14T03:53:00.002-05:00

Well we are home after a very long 10 hour drive. I have to be honest, if I never have to make that drive again I won't be sad. It is a long tough drive and you would think that it would wear me out to the point I wouldn't have any trouble sleeping yet here I am at 4:00 in the morning. I am sure the wonderful 10 hours of sleep I got last night are playing a factor in the sleeplessness as well. I guess I need to find balance in my sleep too.

You know the other thing a ten hour drive allows for is time to think. And with the news we got from the doctor yesterday, I had plenty to think about. (Which may also play into my sleep deprivation tonight.) I thought about a lot. Way to much to try and squeeze into a single blog. But two things keep coming to the forefront for me today. The first is that was the first time we have left a doctors office, through this whole process, without a game plan. All of the other times when something didn't work the doctors had another idea or plan of action to try next. Something to look forward to. Okay, maybe not the right words, but at least a plan of action which gave us the ability to keep going mentally and spiritually. Yesterday, nada, nothing, the proverbial scratching of the head. He gave us a couple of thoughts, but his exact words were, I am just thinking out loud and off the top of my head. Not very reassuring. His last words to my wife, because I had already left the room due to frustration about the way things had gone with the nurses and doctor prior to the final conversation, were don't give up. (And let me say this, one thing we have learned is this is our care, I am the patient and the doctor works for me. And it's okay, as long as I do it in the right manner, to express my displeasure with their timelessness, and manner in which they were doing things. And I did just that. And I finally reached a point at the end that I had to leave the room. It's my life we are talking about and beating around the bush doesn't work with me. I am done with my disclaimer.) And give up we are not. But we find ourselves in new territory. A new kind of limbo. No answers, no game plans, no good place to start looking again for a solution.

And it reminded me that I am weird. The biochemo at the beginning could have killed me, but I was eating cheeseburgers, not throwing up, walking around etc. The regular chemo same thing. A few small side effects but not like most. This last one that was supposed to be easy, bout killed me. And I don't look like a cancer patient. My hair has never fallen out, as bad as I wanted it to. I want to be bald. I haven't lost much weight at all. Was hoping to drop a few. Am still mostly self sufficient. I still have days I can mow the yard, weed eat, work on things and enjoy life, dialed down a little. I don't look like a stage 4 cancer patient. Someone said the other day, you don't look like you are as sick as you are. And I don't. And don't get me wrong I am very grateful for that. I thank God everyday that I am able to do those things when I can. But I am just not typical. Nothing about any of this has been typical if there is such a thing. I am just strange and that's okay. It keeps things interesting. Never boring.

What is the most strange though is the not knowing what to do now. There isn't anything to plan for, or prepare for mentally. There are no plans that need to be made in reference to extended stays in hospitals, or treatments at doctor's offices. There are no scans planned in a few months, or doctor's appointments to ready for. Nothing. And it is a strange place to be. And a quite bit scary. There is nothing to take your mind off of the what ifs. There's nothing to keep your mind busy or occupied. As I stated above, it's a new form of limbo. So time to come up with a plan of action. All we know at this point is I am going to try and meet with my oncologist here at home. Bring him up to date and get any ideas he may have. One of the things that the doctor in Nashville suggested was radiation for the tumor under my arm. If it continues to grow we are afraid it will affect the usage in my right arm, as I stated in my last blog. We will also get back in contact with MD Anderson and make an appointment with them to see if they have any ideas. And hopefully we can get that done sooner rather than later. And that is really about it on the cancer front at this point. What I am hoping for at this point is a great amount of rain so that my grass grows really fast every week so I can mow more. Or maybe I will build a bird house. One with a garage door, motion lighting and a sprinkler system. There is the huge amount of holes the dog is finding necessary to dig in our backyard, but I think I will let the kids fix those. There is always golf for anyone who wants to take me, but I cannot promise I can hold on to the clubs in my back swing. In all seriousness, we continue on. Laughing when we can, crying when we need to, yelling a little when necessary, and putting one foot in front of the other. That's all we can do.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Upate

2011-07-13T09:24:00.003-05:00

Well, I just woke up from a much needed 10 hours of sleep. I haven't done that in a long time. And yes it felt good. I didn't know I was still capable of sleeping that long! And in a hotel room. But now I, we, are ready to go home.

For those of you who may not know, this drug that I have been on has been making me sick. Sicker than most I have done so far. And n0t just a little sick, throwing up, fever, no energy, a lovely rash, and on and on. We met with the doctors here in Nashville yesterday and the bottom line is, this drug isn't working. There has been no shrinkage in the tumors. The one under my arm is actually getting bigger I think. So after discussion with the nurse, doctor, Rebecca and myself it was decided to stop the medication. Now normally, or at least up to this point in this journey, we would have an alternate plan, usually given by the doctor, that we would try. This time we don't. He made a few suggestions, but didn't have anything concrete. So we walk away from a doctor with no plan. A whole new feeling for us. We knew this could happen. But here we are anyway, dumb founded. We are leaving today to head home. I think we are going to take a couple of days to process all of this, talk with the kids, our parents and begin making some decisions. We are running out of options, and we understand that with each option we chose now it is even a little more further out there as far as chances they will work. We have to take many other factors into consideration like, distance of travel, finances, chances things will work, availability etc.

I have to be honest, I am not in a writing mood right now. Please don't misunderstand, please. I am not getting down, being negative, or giving up. I have learned a few things along this journey. One of them is after appointments like this, I need a few days to process it all, feel what I need to feel, need some time to rest, then get back on my feet again. And that is exactly what I will do here. Today is just not the day. Thank you to each of you for your thoughts and prayers, we cannot do it without you. I will write again in a few days when I have had some time to wrap my head around all of this. Pray that we have a safe trip today.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..........................

Fear

2011-07-09T14:02:00.002-05:00

If I haven't said it enough the last few blogs, it's hot. Really hot. You would think that after almost 40 years in Oklahoma I wouldn't be surprised by the cold in the winter and the hot in the summer, but yet here I am shocked. The only good thing I suppose is that it slows down the mowing. Except that it is one of the things I actually look forward to doing during the week. I am one of the weird few who actually enjoys yard work.

Because it's hot, and I am the only one home, I am sitting on the couch watching TV. With the wonders of DVR we record and watch many shows, including Everybody Loves Raymond. I just finished watching an episode where Raymond goes in the hospital for a routine surgery and has problems. Of course it scares the family. Amid the humor, the underlying theme of the show is how precious life is and the fear of unexpectedly losing a family member. (His character lived of course.) Back to that in a bit. In our quest to be honest, as always, I must say that for the last week and a half I have been in a bad place. I have been more sick than ever before. It's funny how the first treatment, the biochemo therapy, could have killed me. It should have made me horribly sick but it didn't. I handled it well. The regular chemo didn't make me sick either. This new medicine, which is supposed to have minimal to no side effects, is kicking my behind. I have also been in a bad place mentally. I have been bored with no working and nothing else going on, I haven't talked to or heard from many people, haven't slept much, and worst of all have been pushing the family away. Part of the problem is we leave Monday for Nashville. I have a CT scan Tuesday morning and this will be the first test of whether or not the new medicine is working. Obviously that comes with a certain amount of fear and anxiety. Not to mention that trip alone is hard on us.

I have learned something else on this journey we are traveling. We know that more than likely this cancer will eventually get me. It could be months or even years, but with the aggressiveness of it and the statistics, we know what the chances are. You think about it a lot. But you think about it on different levels. Sometimes, like it has been here lately, you get so busy you don't think about it much, and when you do it is a distant thought. Then there are times you think about it from an almost business standpoint. It's about taking care of things in the future, planning. Then you think about it from an intellectual standpoint, the meaning of life, fulfilling dreams, etc. Sometimes, like the last week or so, I think about it without even realizing I am thinking about it. I know something is bothering me but I don't know what. I think it is the minds way of just not dealing with it. And knowing we have the tests coming up I think it was my subconscious way of not dealing with it. Now back to the show. The scene where the nurse comes out to the waiting area to speak with the family, and the wife breaks down in tears, set me off. Completely out of the blue I began to sob. I don't mean tear up, or cried a little, I mean sobbed. Like I haven't done in a long time. At first I thought why am I crying at a comedy? Then it occurred to me, I haven't been dealing with my own issues. Plus I haven't been honest about how scared I am about the tests next week. The tumor under my arm has grown so much it has changed my scars from the previous surgeries to the point one of them opened up in the middle of the night the other night and I woke up having bled through the night. I haven't taken the time to sit down with my wife, like we used to do, and just talked about everything. I have been that person I try not to be, the one who buries his head in life and doesn't deal with reality.

We are scared. One test next week brings many unknowns for us, almost to the point of overwhelming. We cannot make any long term decisions until we get some answers. As I have stated many times before the unknowns are the worst. What will we do if this drug isn't working? If it is working, can I handle being sick like I have been? What if it's working a little bit, but not much? What about work? Will it ever be an option again? What if I can't work? I can't handle sitting around the house much anymore. If it's not working what do we tell the kids? And trust me when I tell you, the reason we try to be so honest with each other and all of you is trying to ignore it or hide from it won't make it go away and just makes things worst. I have proven that the last couple of weeks. We have to face facts and deal with the reality of our situation. And I haven't done it very well. So another lesson learned, at least for now. I would like to say that I have learned my lesson for good, but I know better. We need your prayers next week. A lot will could change in a short amount of time, and we have to trust God that things will work out like they are supposed to. Even if it's not what we want, we have to trust that it's what he wants.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Change

2011-07-02T06:12:00.005-05:00

We have a couple of family friends who are meteorologists on local news stations. I used to tease one of them this time of year. How hard can it be to predict the weather, its hot. Very hot. The comedian Bill Engval even used to say when they found the hieroglyphics on the caves in west Texas and translated it it said, man it's hot. It's hot.

I have learned so much 0n this journey we are on. And I am in the middle of learning even more. For those of you who know we have moved to a new place. The reason we moved is because it is on a little over five acres with a fence and is set up for horses. Also it is the exact same amount of rent we were paying for the last place. For those of you who may remember before I was diagnosed with the second round of the cancer, we were looking for a place to buy with land. It has always been my dream to get back to a place where I can have a few cattle and horses, and it's been Rebecca's dream as well. With this place we can at least have a few horses at some point, the kids have been able to get a dog which they have loved. It has a shop back behind the house that is as big as a garage which I have loved. But I have noticed something, no matter how good it is, its change. And change, no matter good or bad, can be tough on all of us. We are having to adjust to a smaller house. Also an older house. The hot water tank has already had to be replaced, we have had a water leak, and one of our breakers keeps tripping. (I have quickly gotten to know our landlord really well!) We got our first electric bill and I about passed out due to all of the fees, the old house bill combined with the new house bill and the fact that we have window units in the new house. Then the dog got hurt trying to go under a fence and cut herself bad requiring surgery and costing us almost $400.00! And I don't care how hard we try, moving cost money so there has been a financial strain that I hadn't expected. Don't get me wrong, it is worth it the more settled in we get but it is still change. On top of all of that I am still adjusting to the new doctor and place in Nashville. I am having to adjust to a new drug and all of the side effects that come with that. Now there is the possibility that we will again change my care to a new place with new doctor's in Oklahoma City. Not to mention not know what is going on inside of me with the cancer. Not knowing what it is doing. Is it getting better, worse, staying the same? Is it moving, where is it moving to? And that is something I deal with everyday no matter what else is going on.

Change, to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone. I found this definition of change and it pretty well sums it up for me. Earlier this week I had several days of being what I called "locked up". And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But it finally occurred to me everything had or was changing and I wasn't handling it well. I had nothing that I felt like I had control of. And yes I know, we ultimately have no control of anything. But when you are an active cancer patient, I don't think feeling like everything, finances, housing, weather, cancer, being out of control is a good thing. It's just like the doctor. At least when you have the same doctor, who knows everything about your case from beginning to end, you feel like you can get mad at them, or argue with them, cry in front of them. But no matter what there is a sense of peace knowing that they know everything about your case. And I know all of the status quo responses to change. If we don't change we don't grow, change gets us out a ruts, change can bring even better things than before, changes can make us better people, change can broaden our horizons, and on and on. And I agree with those things. And this may very well be one of those times in my life. What I can say is this for sure, change is very scary from a medical stand point. There is a lot to be said about keeping the same people in charge of your care, and changing them is scary. And the other thing I can say is that I am afraid that I have pushed away, or at least kept at arms length, the one thing that I know hasn't changed through all of this and that is family and friends, especially my wife. It was right there in front of me the whole time, the one constant, all I have to do is reach out. So I guess maybe I haven't learned as much as I claim to have learned. I guess maybe it's still hard for me to ask for help. The whole male ego thing, or as some have called it, stupidity. But that, on top of all of the other changes going on in our lives, has been tough for me to handle.

So what it is about change. Fear of the unknown? Out of our routine? I don't know. And I know that sometimes change is good, even if we don't see it at the time. But I think that there are times that change may not be good. I don't believe, for me, that I should change just to change. I think for me change should be thought about and looked at before decisions are made. But then when you do that, how do you know what the right choice is. It seems that more times than not we won't know for a while if we made the right decision or not. AAAWWWWW! That's usually how I feel no matter what I chose. I do know this, I think the most important part of the decision making process is motive. What is my motive, or reason, in making the decision. Is it selfish? Was it too quick? Did I look at all the angles? Am I looking too deep, making too big a deal of it? Then there are times that change happens that I didn't plan on and can do nothing about, like cancer. Change that happens that is completely out of my control. What do I do with those times? Again I think part of the answer lies in the motive. Once the change happens the decisions that I make from there have to be made from a standpoint of right motives. Motives that are best for me and my family. I guess the bottom line, no matter whether the change comes from my own decision or just happens, it's what I do with it from there that matters. It's how I handle it. I must first check my motives. Are they selfish or are they right. Are they what I want, or are they what is best. I have to take all the information I can get, talk with my wife, then make a choice and stick with it. I also must learn to be somewhat flexible. Change sometimes requires me to be flexible which is something I am not good at. I like routine. I like things to stay the same, but I can't always be that lucky. I guess the bottom line is, like so many other things in life, is to find balance. To do my best from pure motives, then deal with what comes. Sounds good doesn't it. I will try to do better. Take things one step at a time and do my best to breath. We will see what changes this week!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............

Blah........

2011-06-22T00:48:00.004-05:00

Well I am writing from a hotel in Memphis. Again, I cannot sleep. Usually on days like this, when we meet with the doctor's, I don't have any problem sleeping. But as of late I have enjoyed few nights where sleep has found me. Usually it's just the night before the appointments I lose sleep, and last night was no different, so now I face driving home tomorrow with Mom on little sleep. And we are a long way from home, Toto.

We did meet with the doctor's office in Nashville today. It was fairly uneventful and we expected that. This was simply a meeting to find out how I am doing and pick up more medicine. The biggest thing is we return in three weeks and will have a CT scan done. That is big because it will tell us if the medicine is working or not. To say the least, it is going to be a long three weeks. We should also know more after that appointment about switching my care to a place in OKC. I worry as of late because I am not feeling well more and more days. It is probably side effects from the new drug. I have had several days that I have thrown up, felt like I had the flu, and don't have any energy. My pain is about the same but I deal with it on a daily basis. And I have have to be honest, I have been a little down and frustrated with all of this. We are coming up on a year of the second coming of the cancer. Almost a year of treatments, doctor's visits, driving all over the country, surgeries, needle sticks, medicine, sleepless nights, day's in bed, crazy dreams, pain all over my body, fear of the unknown, frustration with the slowness of it all, finances, sunburns, trying to communicate how I am feeling, and the list goes on. I would like to say that I am trying not to complain but I guess that is exactly what I am doing. I am writing this at 3 a.m. for crying out loud. In our quest to be honest, I guess I honestly have to say the last few days I have been really tired of it all, and frustrated with the progress of it, or lack there of. My Mom came with me on this trip and on the way here we had a great chance to talk. One of the things we talked about is how we have managed it all, while trying to stay positive and forward living. I think for me the answer isn't that complicated, it's not rooted in some great spiritual mystery, nor is it something that is found through a search of the greatest books in the world. It's really very simple, just keep going. I also think I have learned that these times, like I am going through now, are okay. In our quest to be honest I must say that right now I am not okay, and that's okay. I am mad that I am sick, I am tired of being sick, I am scared of what I cannot see in the future and I am mad and tired about that. What I must do is feel it, be honest about it, deal with it and move on. But the real key is simply to keep going, to put that one foot in front of the other. And don't get me wrong, it may be a little more complicated but not much. I find the strength to put that foot in front of the other from my faith in God, the love and support of my family and friends, and that hope and trust that God is in control. And I also know that if I keep moving that God is faithful and this too shall pass. I really think that sometimes for God it really is that simple. All he asks of us is action. To move. To not stop. To not give up. And he will take care of the rest. So that's what I am doing. Moving. Action. One foot in front of the other. I may do so with a little grumpiness, but I do it none the less, and that is okay.

That is where I am. I need prayers for sleep. I have found that all of the other things that I deal with, whether spiritual, physical or emotional, are much easier dealt with when I can sleep. I got a prescription for a sleep medicine so I am keeping my fingers crossed. We got moved into the new place last weekend and it is incredible. The kids love it. They finally got a dog and have spent a ton of time playing and laughing with her and it has been a joy to watch. Tyler has already begun to build a fort out in the pasture and I am getting settled in my new shop. I don't think the kids have spent a total of three hours inside the house since we got there. You always have doubts when you make a move like that, or at least I do, and since seeing how much we all enjoy it, those doubts are gone. It was the right move. Every thing else is good. We are waiting to have our phone, Internet and TV set up so if you send me a message and I don't respond just know we may not have Internet yet, but as soon as I can I will. (We don't get the TV set up till the 27th and to be honest I don't miss it yet!) Oh and if you might be wondering about house warming gifts, I could use tools to fill my shop up! Just kidding. (I love Lowe's by the way.) We do need prayers though. As I stated above we seem to be going through one of those periods, and we know it will pass, but we can always use all the help we can get. Thank you again to each of you, we love you guys.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...................

Drug

2011-06-06T23:30:00.003-05:00

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for the messages and phone calls about the new drug that was on the national news the other evening. It makes us feel good and reminds us that all of you are fighting the fight with us.

The drug that they are referring to is the same drug that I have just started. The reason that it is now making news is that it is getting closer to FDA approval each day. Anytime there is any kind of promising new drug that is about to come out it receives a lot of press, thanks to the drug companies. As it approaches final approval, and the drug companies know that it is going to be approved, they began to push it. I didn't see the news story itself, but I am sure that it was a good story. And it is a true story. The drug has shown a lot of promise for a lot of people. One of the positives for us will be that when the drug does receive final approval it will at some point be available at a pharmacy. Which for us means that we will no longer have to drive a great distance to get it. Which is always a good thing. Rebecca found a related article about the drug to make sure it is the same one we are on. In the article, in the last paragraph, it talked about the fact that unfortunately this isn't a curative drug. Which is part of what I talked about in the blog after our last trip to Houston. In short, with my kind of melanoma, the cancer itself has mutated. This new drug is specifically designed to attack and kill the mutation. Where it has shown promise is in many people it is effective at killing the mutation and therefore the cancer. The bad news is that in every case so far, the cancer creates a new mutation to defeat the drug and in doing so comes back stronger than before, thus spreading the cancer further and faster. The problem is there is no drug to fight the new cancer once it returns. What this drug has done for some is simply extended lives. The doctor's in Tennessee told us that this is the hope for me, that it will extend my life. They are already working on drugs that will kill the new mutation, but they are in the very early stages and don't know much about it. But, it does give us hope and that's what is important. I was talking with a friend of mine the other day who has a family member who is fighting cancer. He was sharing with me a story about a woman he was talking to who was losing a family member to this horrible disease. He told me that while sobbing, she made the statement that she had no hope. It broke my heart. Without hope, what do we have. I cannot imagine. We have hope. Thanks to our belief in God, to all of our family and friends, to knowing where I will go should I not make it, I still and will always have hope.

That is a little longer version of where we are. I hadn't gone into detail before now because I didn't think it was necessary to bore you with the details. But with all of the responses we have gotten from the news story I felt it might help to explain it the best I can without losing anyone. Being a few weeks into the new treatment I can say that I have some side effects to deal with. I haven't felt well the last several days. Last Saturday I was throwing up and ran a slight fever. The last few days I have run a slight fever with other flu like symptoms that seem to get worse as the day progresses. My energy level is down again, but hopefully if it goes they way they said, this will end over the next week or so. In spite of it all we are still busy as ever and preparing to move. We found a place with 5 acres that is set up for horses and animals and gives us some room to spread out a little. It will give the kids a great place to play and get outside while hopefully teaching them the value of taking care of a few animals and having other "chores" to do! Plus it gives Rebecca and I something we have always wanted, a place with land to garden, raise a few horses, and a great place to sit in the mornings while we drink our coffee. And yes I hate moving, so pray.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................

New Medicine

2011-05-30T20:44:00.003-05:00

Well we went to Tennessee for our second last Tuesday. It was a fast and exhausting trip. We left on Tuesday morning and made it home on Wednesday night at 12:30. The reason it was such a quick trip was Rebecca and I then left on Thursday to go camping for the weekend. It was a great time to get away and forget about things for a while. As good as it is to get away, it's always good to be home.

The visit consisted of a CT Scan, MRI, Dermatologist visit, and Oncologist visit. Along with meeting with the research nurse to pick up the new chemo. (The MRI was much better on me this time!) The scans didn't tell us much. Being at a new place they didn't have the results of the last scan and weren't able to compare size difference. The good news is the cancer still hasn't spread to any other vital area's besides my lungs. They did say the tumor under my arm had changed shape but didn't know about size with it either. I think it has gotten bigger. I will have to start having my full body scans again because the new chemo can actually cause a very treatable form of skin cancer. The chemo will consist of my taking 4 pills 2 times a day for a total of 8 pills a day, everyday. Then going back to Nashville once a month to pick up more pills. I will have scans done every two months. The research nurse did tell us that the drug company that makes the pill is "setting up" or training a doctor in Oklahoma City to dispense and monitor the drug. So there is a chance that in a few months they will be able to transfer me to the new doctor in OKC. I have mixed feelings. It would be great to only have to drive to OKC and not Nashville. On the other hand, I am tired of switching doctors. It seems as soon as we get to know a new one, and they get familiar with me and my case, we switch. But I guess it is still better than driving 9 hours. As I said before they advised us the side effects should be minimal. The biggest being a flu like feeling that will last a few days. Hopefully I will know soon what I will have to deal with.

Again we don't really have much news. It seems my cancer is just stubborn. Not growing too much, but not going away. It's kind of like a toddler who sits and pouts in the corner and just won't do anything. You can't even bribe it with toys! We seem to go through times where we are in limbo, which gets old itself. We are there again. It will be two months before we have scans and know anything again. The waiting is there worst part. I am still hurting most days and just don't have the energy I used to. My sleep is still out of whack which makes things even more fun. Other than that we are gearing up for a busy summer. The kids have basketball camps, VBS, and church camps back to back, almost until school starts again.

Well that is all for now. Don't have much to say, but wanted to give an update.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

My Prayer

2011-05-21T00:28:00.005-05:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for all you have done for my family and I. The way you continually provide for our needs during this time. Thank you that we never go without. Thank you for your love, support and guidance whenever I seek it. Thank you for your promises of peace and joy no matter the circumstances. Thank you for the people you have placed in my life who give me all I need.

Thank you for my wife and the way she loves me unconditionally, stands beside me, takes care of me, supports me, listens to me, holds me and the way she continues to teach me about true love.

Thank you for our children, for their laughter, their smiles, their voices, their love, their energy, their friendship, and the way they teach me to continue to love life the way a child does.

Thank you for my family and they way they help take care of us, support us and stand beside us. Thank you that they listen to me when I need to talk, hear me when I need to cry and set me straight when I am off course.

Thank you for my friends who also stand beside me, love me, support me, listen to me, spend time with me. Thank you they help me take my mind off of things when I need it, share their hopes and struggles, and remind me that we are not alone in this journey.

Thank you for our home. That we have a nice place to live, to be warm in the winter, cool in the summer and a safe place to sleep at night. Thank you that it is a place that we as a family have made life long memories. A place where we share tears, laughter, love, joy, fears, hopes and dreams.

Thank you that I can still function most days, even if not at the level I would like. Thank you, in spite of all, I am still as healthy as I am. Thank you that I can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, laugh, smile, walk, hug my kids and wife, and enjoy a good nights sleep.

Father, as I think about all of this, and look at the world around me, I know that things could be much worse.

We could be broke, but we're not. We could be homeless, but we're not. We could be hungry, but we're not. We could be alone, but we're not. I could be in a hospital, but I am not. I could be in a wheelchair, but I am not. I could be throwing up again, but I am not. I could be bed ridden, but I am not. I could be unable to communicate, but I am not.

God, there are many things that could be worse, but their not.

Thank you father for sustaining us each and every day. Thank you for all of your blessings and love as we continue to travel this journey.

Thank you God for all that we have. And just as much, thank you for what we have not.

Amen

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............................

Bored

2011-05-20T11:21:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here this morning listening to and watching the rain. It is so quiet and peaceful. I am used to this being my time of day to sit and be quiet and reflect, pray, and gain my strength for the day. All of the sudden, out of no where the silence is broken. Catching me completely off guard and totally throwing me out of my groove, a small individual with long curly blonde hair appears and shattering the wonderful silence asks, "what are we gonna do today?". First day of summer. Forgot all about it. What's for breakfast? Is it still raining? Where's Tyler? Where's Mom? What are you doing? Aw summer.

I do have some bad news this morning. This will be the last blog I will write. I know, some of you are probably happy. Some of you are probably sad. I myself am a little sad as well. The doctors said 9 months, they didn't say anything about the world ending on Saturday. I just read about it on the internet. I am always the last to know about things like that. Now I am going to have to change my plans for the weekend! I get a huge kick out of people like that! It has been an interesting week in the world between the world ending and Obama's statements on the Middle East. What an enchanting time to be alive. And those of you who know me really well know that I stay out of conversations about politics and religion. And I am not going to start right now. So I will leave both of those alone! It has been a good week in the Wileman house. Several good things have happened, finally. I won't go into all of it but it has definitely been a nice change of pace for us. And yes school is out and we are gearing up for a busy summer. Basketball camp, football camp, vacation bible school, two different church camps, trips to Nashville and possibly moving somewhere in the midst of all of that. In an attempt to try and keep the kids busy this summer I think we have gone overboard!

I have received a lot of responses from my last two blogs. Thank you to all of you for your input. I speak openly and from the heart and hope it helps give you a glimpse of what is going on. It seems like I go through times when I just don't blog and then I will go through times when I do it almost every day. But the main thing I want everyone to know is that we are doing well and enjoying life and whatever it brings. We have learned so much through all of this, it would take volumes to say it all. And no, this isn't my last blog, sorry. You have to keep putting up with me.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. We love you guys.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, dink a lot of water and don't forget to breath...............

Questions To Ponder........

2011-05-15T09:17:00.004-05:00

I know this is going to sound like a country and western song but, what would you do if your doctor told you that you had 6-9 months to live and they are going to try a medicine that may or may not work? And if it does work it will only work for a little while, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, or not at all? I know I tried to address these questions in a blog not long ago, but I don't really think I did it justice, so I am going to try again.

Let me first say, in our commitment to be ever honest, I think some misinterpret the honesty for negativity. Please don't misunderstand, we are not negative. We have never, nor are we now giving up. We will fight no matter what. But I still hold firm to the belief that we must be honest about where we are. And I share our lives, like I did in the previous blog, so that others can see life doesn't stop no matter what. Not only do we deal with the cancer, we still have to deal with life, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Not only do we deal with life, but everyday those words, you have 6-9 months left if not treated, echo in my mind. I will be 4o in August. I used to joke and say I will never make it to 40. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never joked. But as I approach my birthday, I daily examine my life and the possibility I may not be around much longer. Not something I was planning on at this point in my life. But it does cause my to examine where I am at and the kind of person I am.

Let me first say, I do not spend time looking back. I don't do the if only, or I wish I would have. I believe the past is where it belongs. I cannot go back and change anything, and any time I would spend dwelling on it, or worrying about it, is time wasted. And I also don't live today in fear or in shutdown because my day's may be numbered. I try my best, and I don't always do it well, to enjoy each day that I have and be happy. But being in the position I am now, I do think about the end. One of the things I think about quite a bit, and just shared with Rebecca not long ago is, when we discuss things in the future my first thought is always, will I be here? For example, we were discussing the kids school year next year and all I could think was will I be here. When we talk about Tyler going into high school I think, will I be a part? It makes it difficult to plan for the future. Obviously we plan like I will be here, but to say it's not in both of our minds would be a lie.

Also, being a husband, father, man and provider, I worry about what would happen to my family after I am gone. I worry about their financial situation, worry about the yard getting mowed, worry about the oil getting changed, and worry about the little things on a daily basis that I take care of. Mostly I worry about their emotional, spiritual, and physical well being. I worry about Rebecca and her sense of loss and loneliness, and pray for her strength and healing. And yes, she and I have discussed how I feel about her moving on someday, and how I feel about her getting remarried. (Which for the time being is just between us.) I think about how grateful I am that I met and married her, and thank God she is part of my life everyday no matter how long or short that time may be. What I will say is all I care about is she and the kids being happy with or without me. We have also discussed with the kids the possibility that there may come a day I won't be here anymore, and that while okay to be sad, it's also okay to move on someday and enjoy and make the most of life. (Not fun by the way.) All the while living right now like things are as normal as possible, and enjoying my time with them, imparting as much of me in them as possible. (Whether they like it or not!) We have talked about my funeral, though not in final detail. But Rebecca know they gist of what I want.

I think about my parents and the fact that your not supposed to outlive you children. As a parent now, I cannot imagine what that would be like. I am more thankful each day for them and how they raised me. I try to call them more, almost everyday, and spend as much time with them as possible. Some of the things that go through my mind are, I am glad I am not their only child, and I am grateful they have grandchildren. I think a lot about how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I think about my brother and sister and their families, and am grateful if this had to happen to one of us, it was me. I am very grateful neither of them or their families have to deal with this. I think everyday how grateful I am for my family and their love, strength, and support. And for making sure my family has what it needs everyday.

I think about all of the friends I have made through the years. I am especially grateful for the ones who continue to stick by me everyday, who stay in touch, hang out with us and are there unconditionally. It is from you and my family that we gain much of the strength we need each and everyday.

What I don't think about. And it will be random. I don't think about the end itself. It will come whether in months or years. When eating that doughnut or steak I don't think to myself I shouldn't be doing this. Now, I just do it. I don't think to myself, I need to get off the couch and go run or walk. I just don't! Actually I can't it hurts too much right now. I don't think, I really need to do a will. I just did it. And there ain't much to leave anyway! I don't think, some day I want to drive to Houston or Nashville. Well you know. I am not sad that Oprah is going off the air, I don't care. I don't think, you know I will be 40 in August, I really need to get to the doctor and have an annual check up!

This is but a part, an honest part, of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I bring it up again because I was asked again the other day about what I think about possibly nearing the end. I think about everything you can imagine and then some. I think about how many people would come to my funeral. I think about how long it will be before people don't think about me so much after I am gone. I do think about Rebecca getting remarried. I picture being at each of the kids high school graduations. I think about the IPad 4 or 5, which ever one it would be. Right now, because life hasn't stopped and there is so much going on in our lives, I am overwhelmed and can't seem to think about a whole lot. But if you noticed, like I did, there was one theme that seemed to keep coming back while I wrote this and it's gratitude. And it's true. I am continually grateful. Grateful that if this had to happen to me, this was this best point in my life for it to happen. Words will never do justice to how much I love my wife and how grateful I am for her and the kids. I am grateful for my parents and the way they stand by us, and love me unconditionally. I am grateful this happened to me and not someone else, especially not one of the kids, or my niece's or nephew. I am grateful for my friends and their love and support.

I know this was a little long and a lot of this I have written about not too long ago, but God put it on my heart and I felt led. I really don't want anyone to think the honesty is us giving up. WE ARE NOT! I just felt led to let you in a little on what goes through my head each day. We love each of you and cannot thank you enough for your support. We did get a call from Nashville yesterday and we will be going back next Tuesday for appointments on Wednesday. Hopefully after the appointment we will be starting the new medicine. Oh and do me a favor. We absolutely love it when people leave comments on our blog. Do us a favor and if you do leave a comment, and don't mind, please sign your name to it so we will know who you are. If you really just don't want to we understand, but we like seeing them and knowing who it is.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Quick Update

2011-05-14T10:21:00.005-05:00

It is a chilly Saturday morning. I don't like saying that. It was 90 degrees here on Monday and today the high is only going to be 62 degrees. Gotta love Oklahoma weather. I am not a big fan of heat, but after the winter we had was really enjoying the warmer weather. The cool is hard on the garden and my body!

The saying if it can go wrong it will has truly applied to us as of late. Both cars in the shop, the garbage disposal quit, Rebecca's computer crashed and it's permanent, and our horse and colt died during birth. Last Sunday Rebecca went into to work to take care of a few things and while getting out of the car fell and landed on her elbow. The x-ray's were negative, but it is very swollen and she is in a lot of pain. She is off work until the doctor's release her. She has an appointment with an Orthopedic specialist this coming Monday to try and determine if there is any major nerve or ligament damage. I am not feeling well most days but still try and do as much as I can. I don't share all this to complain but simply to say I have been reminded that no matter what happens on the cancer front, life doesn't stop. All of this, combined with the latest news from the doctor's, had made it tough on Rebecca and I. We are learning each day about simply putting that one foot in front of the other.

The truth is I have been reminded about a lot of things the last couple of weeks. I have been reminded how important the people in my life are. We have had family and friends who have stepped up and gone above and beyond to help us the last several weeks with different needs. We cannot say thank you enough. As I have stated many times this journey cannot be done without each of you. We truly have been reminded that life doesn't stop no matter what we are going through. And I am learning all over again that getting mad about it doesn't fix it or change it. It only makes it worse. I am discovering that I have now have physical limitations that I have to accept, like it or not. So I am learning how to either do things differently or accept the fact that there are some things I may not be able to do anymore. And there have been a lot of things happen that I won't even discuss here.

Combined with all of that, and especially because of the news from the doctor, I am reminded that I have to do my best to let go and trust God. It ain't easy. I have to be honest, I know that on the cancer front, we are running out of options. I have never been so scared. And I am reminded that no matter how bad I want to be, or no matter how hard I try, I am not in control. I haven't learned how to completely let go. I would like to think that I am getting a little better then something happens and I am reminded how I am not. But I still try every day. I do my best to put my trust in God. It's when people like I mentioned above either call or send words of encouragement, or do something to help, that I am reminded how God takes care of us and gives us the strength we need each day. It's the people. It's my family and friends that God uses to help get me through each day. So we continue on, putting one foot in front of the other, and doing our best to trust God. I need to refocus on just enjoying each day that I am given and not worrying about the things I cannot control. So today I will just enjoy the day no matter what it brings and focus on my family.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

News from Nashville

2011-05-02T20:57:00.002-05:00

This is the first blog written from Nashville. I don't think it will make my writing any better. Sorry. I am also tired and a little grumpy so this one will be to the point. I will say that the drive to Nashville is a much prettier one than the drive to Houston. There are also many more interesting places to stop and visit and we have taken advantage of them so far. But as always we are ready to go home. We will leave in the morning and hopefully be back in our bed tomorrow night.

The visit today was good. We liked the Doctor and staff very much, feeling comfortable with each of them. It was good to get another perspective on where I am at with all of this. He basically agreed with the Doctor's at MD Anderson. He said left untreated I have would have about 6-9 months left. He also agreed that the new drug they are going to put me on is the best option we have at this point. As I have stated before the drug isn't FDA approved yet but can be given to compassion cases like me. There are a few hoops that we have to jump through before we can start the treatment. The biggest one being the drug company has to run test's on it's own of some of my tissue samples. That and the other few things that are required will take about a month. So hopefully we will be back here in a month to finish up the red tape and begin the medication. It is in pill form and is one I will take everyday. I have to come to Nashville once a month to get the medication and do testing. The one thing all of the Doctor's have made clear from the start is that this is not a cure. All of the patients who have been on it so far did well for a while but at some point the cancer came back and was usually worse. He did say that they are learning more every day about why that happens and are working on new medications. He told us this drug will hopefully extend my life until new medications are discovered that will work better. One of the good things is that the side effects are very minimal and should be much easier on me than chemo.

One of the concern's that we have had is that I am feeling worse as of late. I am having more and more days where I simply don't have it in me to do much. I am in more pain each day. We knew these day's would come. One of the things we like about this Doctor is that they are helping us address these issues. They spent a great amount of time talking with us and helping us formulate a plan to work on the pain and discomfort issues. The Doctor explained it to me this way. He said it is like my body is constantly on a treadmill fighting the cancer and it never takes a break. Basically my body never really gets any rest. He said the body can only do that for so long before it just gives out. So hopefully if this new chemo and other medications do their job my body will get a break for a while.

As always after these types of visits we are both wiped out. It continues to be an emotional roller coaster. I think the best way to describe us right now would be numb. There is so much going through my mind right now, along with several other things that have happened over the last week, I cannot even begin to put it all in words. We simply ask for your prayers. Hopefully tonight will bring rest and tomorrow will bring home!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...........

Prayer Request

2011-04-26T00:58:00.002-05:00

I just posted a new blog before this one, but this one is much more important. Our family needs more prayers. First of all, my uncle's wife, Leah, has been battling an unknown infection and other associated problems. She still needs a lot of thoughts and prayers as the doctor's continue to figure out what is going on. My cousin Tom, who lives alone in Austin, Texas, lost the sight in his right eye several weeks ago. Further testing has revealed a tumor on his right optic nerve that will require surgery on Wednesday of this week. It will be a major surgery, removing part of his scull, and removing the optic nerve. (I think.) He will be in ICU after the surgery. We also ask for your prayers for Rebecca's brother, Brian, and his family, as he does what our country asks of him in Afghanistan.

When it rains it pours. But, as I have said many times, we cannot do this without each of you and the thoughts and prayers you have continued to offer up for us. We pray simply for peace, guidance, and comfort. Thank you again to each of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath................

It takes a village......

2011-04-25T08:01:00.008-05:00

I am noticing things more these days. Or at least I am paying more attention, escpecially to things spiritual. The things God wants to show me. I don't know if it's the cancer, or just getting older. Probably a combination of the two. But I noticed something this Easter weekend. Rebecca's brother is in the Army and was sent to Afghanistan last week. His wife and 19 month old came down and stayed with us over the weekend for Easter. On Saturday, she and Rebecca left me with Nathaniel while they went to run some errands. I know some of you are shocked, but really, I can babysit! We had a pretty good battle of wills after mom left, but once he realized he wasn't going to win with me he was great. At one point he fell asleep and I thought about the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. And it got me to thinking about my childhood.

It takes a village to raise a child. I know we don't live in villages here, but I really think that it still applies to us today. At least as I look back on my childhood, it applied to me. As a parent now, I realized Rebecca and I are very careful who we allow our children to be around. (It may also have something to do with what we do for a living too!) But we associate with adults who are like minded, have the same values, and raise their children much the way we do. We don't allow our kids to spend the night with a family we aren't familiar with or who do things drastically different than we do. We spend our time with others who have the same values and belief system we do. The people who watch our kids know that they have the right to discipline them when necessary, but we also trust them to teach them the same values we do. I also hope that our kids will feel comfortable talking to them if they need to.

As I look back on my childhood I realize there are many people who have influenced my life and helped me become the man I am today. I understand that my parents had the same values, outlook, and attitudes that Rebecca and I do when it came to the people I was around. Being a preachers kid who moved a lot, there were a lot of people. Not to mention the coach's, teachers and others who influenced me. And as I look back I grasp the value of my parents wisdom in who they allowed me to spend time with better than ever. I guess, like many other times in my life, it took this weekend with Nathaniel for me to really get it.

I am going to do something I try not to do very often. I am going to name names. I don't, not because I don't want to, but because I am always afraid I will leave someone out. So if I do I am sorry. As I stated, there have been many. Jim and Mary Morrison, Rob and Kathy Gandy, Doyle and Faye Jackson, Ken and Laura Lovett, Janice Ogden, Mike Lewis and the list goes on. But there are two in particular that I want to thank. Gene and Katie Reeves. You have to understand. Their son, and my best friend Shawn, spent more time together growing up than any of us can remember. When we lived in Ada, Oklahoma we were together every chance we got. I spent hours and hours at their house and with their family. And I realized this weekend a big part of who I am today is because of Gene and Katie. They taught me about work ethic, honesty, commitment, and more importantly love and the value of family. Gene taught me what it meant to be a man who loves God and takes care of his family. Katie taught me the value of that family, and just like my mother, how a wife is supposed to be. I will never forget the love and acceptance I always felt there. Shawn and I did a lot of things wrong and got in trouble, but I always knew they loved me no matter what. I could go on for hours but I won't. But I want them to know I now realize what a huge part they played in my life. Much of the fight that I have right now to fight the cancer, and the commitment to never give up, came from them. Gene and Katie, thank you. I love you guys.

And it's not just them. It is everyone who has touched my life through the years that gives me the strength to fight each and everyday. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and for all of my villagers, thank you. I am here today because of each of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Random Pictures

2011-04-20T10:22:00.009-05:00

Spring Time

2011-04-20T09:37:00.005-05:00

Well again it has been a while, I know. I go through "moods" I guess, one may call it a time of speechlessness. Bottom line, I haven't felt much like writing. The mood hit this morning, even though I really don't have a lot to say! Things are good at the Wileman's house. I got to see my new nephew a few weekends ago. My brother Jared and his wife Lindsay have a new baby boy, Parker Thomas Wileman, who is the cutest kid in the world! My brother, sister and I and all of the grandkids were at Grams and Papa's house a few weekends ago and it was great to be together. We have been doing a lot of spring cleaning and working in the yard a last few weeks. The garden we built is doing great. (I included some pictures of it and the "herb table" we built.) It has been a far more enjoyable than I ever imagined. It is very fun and rewarding to build something, plant things, and watch them grow as we try our best to take care of them. We have redone all of the flower beds and I have worked on the grass that still doesn't want to cooperate. Rebecca and I spent the entire day working outside yesterday. It's our "escape", therapy, and quality time together and we love it. Even though I will spend the rest of today on the couch in pain, it is well worth it. The picture of us, by the way, is at the Houston Astro's game from the last trip we made down there.

For any who may not have heard, our last trip to Houston was just a meeting with the doctor to discuss the next step. They are sending me to Nashville to Tennessee Oncology. The gist of it is we are running out of options. The doctors in Houston feel the next best step is to try a new drug that is not FDA approved, but is available for compassion cases. (Those like me who are stage 4 and nothing else is working.) The drug is specifically designed to target melanoma with the BRAF mutation that I have. It show's good results initially but from what we have read for most people the cancer comes back and comes back worse than before. The doctors in Houston even warned us about it while we were there last time. So we have an appointment on May 2nd in Nashville. It isn't a guarantee that we will get on the drug. The doctor in Nashville will make that decision after our meeting. So we push on. I think the worst part of this for Rebecca and I is the unknown. Not to mention we aren't excited about starting over with a new doctor, new place, new drive, new hospital, new everything medically. I am definitely being removed from my comfort zone in Houston. We won't go back to there unless this drug doesn't work and the doctor's in Nashville can't help us anymore. So, Nashville here we come.

I am feeling ok. I still have issues from the side effects caused by the chemo. We have had a lot problems with my incision from the last surgery. The glue and tape they use to close it up doesn't like my body. Part of the incision opened back up after surgery and we have been having to baby it to get it to close. More wound care, dressings, gauze pads and time caring for it. You would think that we would be used to it by now! I have such a great wife who does a great job caring for my wounds. I am trying to do more physically to get some strength back. I am getting there slowly but have to be careful not to over do it. The kids are doing good, looking forward to the end of school and summer time. Rebecca is well and still putting up with me, thank goodness! We are getting ready for Easter weekend and time with Rebecca's family. That's all for now. We wish everyone a great Easter weekend and hope you all can spend time with family and friends. That is after all, what really matters.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath......................

Surgery

2011-03-24T16:24:00.004-05:00

Well we are back in the hotel room after being released the day after surgery. I feeling better than I expected. I am swollen and sore, but the pain isn't as bad as I had anticipated. I have another drain tube to deal with for a week or so, and can't say that I am real excited about it. Over all, the surgery went well. There were no complications or problems. The surgeon told us this morning that he was able to remove a little over a third of the tumor. He told us he couldn't remove it all because the end closest to my arm pit had grown around the artery that feeds blood to my right arm thus preventing him from cutting into it. Another part, around the bottom, was lying across a nerve bundle, also precluding any cutting. So there is still some tumor left. One of the reasons for the surgery is so that the T cells from it can be harvested. One of the things they can do is harvest those cells, which means separating them from the tumor, "clean" them up, and then put them back in my body. Once they are healthy and put back, the theory is they will target the bad cells and kill them off. It is a long shot in several ways, but it can be a last case scenario if we get to that point. I get the feeling after the last several days, that it may be the biggest reason for doing the surgery.

As for any further treatment it is still up in the air. We still haven't met with the oncologist. We did speak briefly with his Physician's Assistant on Monday. What we found out is that I do have the mutation they were looking for. (From the biopsy we did here last month.) The good news is that there are two drugs right now that are showing promise in treating melanoma, but only if you have the mutation. (It's official name is V600E, sounds like a motorcycle I know.) Neither are FDA approved as of today, but both can be used for compassion cases like mine. On a side note, a compassion case is someone like me who is stage 4 and other treatments aren't working to kill the cancer. As you can imagine I don't like the term compassion case. But it is the reality of the situation for us. The one that seems most promising for me is only available at three places around the country. The closest to us is Nashville, TN. So there is a possibility we may have to start traveling to a hospital there. Having not met with the doctor, we just don't know anymore. And we don't know when that will be. We are waiting for them to schedule an appointment.

I will be honest. I have been a bit frustrated with the doctor here in Houston as of late. There has not been much communication with us, phone calls have gone unreturned and lots of questions remained unanswered for us. Personally, I don't like going for so long without some sort of treatment, given the history of my fast moving and growing cancer. Especially being here and not being able to get those answers. But we press on. This has definitely turned into a marathon and not a sprint. And I have been more a little more negative about it all here lately. So last night I had to do something I was taught a long time ago. I simply thanked God for all the good things that have happened and all of the bad things that haven't. Like I still feel good most days, am still very functional, I have not had to deal with any infections or major side effects, I still have the same small amount of hair I started with, the same big belly, I don't have to take too many medications, and I am sleeping again. I still have the best family and friends in the world without question. So, today I will try and stay focused on the good and not the bad. One good thing that did happen this week was I convinced them to take the "pick-line" out of my left arm that has been there since October. As of Saturday I will be able to once again take a normal shower, without having to wrap my arm in plastic wrap! It's the small things.

That's what we know for now. I do know that I have a follow up appointment with the surgeon on Monday April 4th. As we know more we will let everyone know.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..........

Raised Bed Garden

2011-03-15T08:42:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday morning Rebecca and I awoke and found ourselves in a very strange place. It occured to us both that we actually had two days with no kids and no plans. Two whole days with nothing, nada, zip, zero, nothing to do. I should have known better. I knew she would have something up her sleeve, and sure enough it wasn't long before she was informing me of a new project.

She has always, even though we haven't done much of it, enjoyed planting and gardening. The problem is we live in a rent house and are limited to what we can do. So her resolution was something called a raised bed garden. We then began look at different examples on the Internet and finally found one she liked. It stands about waist high and is around 8"-12" deep and could be as big or small as you want to make it. After some discussion I was sold and we were off to Lowe's. (Of course it was an easy sell for me because it involved lumber and power tools!) After spending about an hour buying the material, we were home and off to work in the garage on our latest project. On Sunday evening we were able to stand back and look proudly at the finished project waiting to nurture and grow what I am sure will be the best tasting vegetables in the world!

What's my point you ask? Well, it is something even I wasn't expecting. I think I have a good relationship with my wife. We have our moments like all couples do, but for the most part we have a great relationship. What I found was this was one of the best things we have done for our marriage in a long time. First of all, it got us out of the house and away from the television. Even with me not working, it has become so easy for us to sit in front of the TV during our down time and simply zone out. Not communicating or spending any real quality time together. The second thing was it gave us a very attainable common goal, and the satisfaction of accomplishing that goal, and seeing the end result. I think it can help us with our long term goals as well. Seeing what we are capable of when we work together, and seeing how well we work together. We never argued or disagreed the whole time, not once. It gave me the satisfaction of teaching my wife to use power tools, and the joy of watching her discover that she liked working with wood, using tools, and building something. (And come to find out, she is very good at it!) And for someone like me, a male with a very Type A personality, it was good to stand back and not completely take over. And it was good for me to teach someone else something while not trying to control them the whole time. Part of learning to let go and let someone else. It gave us two days of exercising our bodies and minds while enjoying each others company. It gave us the chance to talk like we hadn't in a while. And we did.

So I guess my point is this. I will now look for other common tasks we can accomplish together. Not only did we build something that we can physically touch, and something that we can use on a daily basis, but we built something in our marriage that we can continue to build on. We made memories those two days in our garage, with no one else around. We strengthened our bond, our communication, and our sense of teamwork. And the best part is I got two days of being with my wife. Priceless.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................

Facing My Realities

2011-02-24T12:21:00.009-06:00

I was asked by someone this week to share my thoughts on living and dying. The request was based on the question, if you were told you had a year to live, what would you do? On the surface it seems a simple question. And I think that many times when posed with that question most of us have a simple, almost rehearsed answer. Most of us have a bucket list. Travel, spending more time with family, quitting our jobs, are some of the things I have heard and even said myself. The reality of an honest answer can be quite different. I have learned that over the last year in facing my own mortality. As always, I try to be honest here and this will be no exception.

For me it is a difficult question to answer. I have thought a lot about it since asked, and I don't know that I will share all of how I feel about it at this point. Let me first of all say this, the doctor's have not given me a set amount of time. I have never been told, you have six months, a year, or two years to live. So to honestly answer how I would feel if I had been told I have a year left simply isn't possible. We know the statistics for someone in my position. And I have definitely been put in a position to ponder my own mortality. I can tell you a few of the reasons I don't have a "bucket list". The first is money. I hear people say when answering that question that they would quit their jobs and travel. I giggle when I hear that because that tells me they have money stashed away somewhere. I don't, so travel will not be an option! One of the other things I hear is, I would quit my job. So far, the cancer has taken care of that for me! Do I have a few things I would like to do before I die? Of course I do. Maybe I will get to do them, maybe not. What I will focus more on as the weather continues to warm is playing as much golf as possible and doing as much fishing as possible. Besides my family, those are the things I most enjoy after all.

I think we all have regrets in life. I know that there are certain things that we would all change if we could go back. But we can't. As I have looked back on my life the things that I regret the most are the times I hurt those closest to me. And as I look to my life in the future my goal is to live in a way that causes no more pain to those people. A person once told me the best way to make amends to those we have hurt it to never repeat those mistakes and never hurt them again. At this point in my life one of my biggest regrets isn't what I did, it's what I am not able to do. My wife and I are fairly simple people. We don't care about possessions or toys. Our biggest goal in life is to buy a place with land and a house, in the country, where we could raise the kids and some animals. We had begun working toward that last summer. Now, with me being sick and not working it won't happen anytime soon. Not being able to help see one of your wife's dreams come true is hard. Along the same lines I could see how it would be easier for someone in my position to go out and do or buy a few things on that bucket list. Rebecca and I both would love to have a new truck. But one thing I realized early on is that I still must be smart about how we spend money. I still have a family to take care of and me being irresponsible would not be fair to them. Another reason I don't have a bucket list.

In the final analysis what I think about life and death, and looking at it from a perspective of having a short amount of time left, is really pretty simple. I am a Christian and know where I am going. I don't spend a lot of time wondering about heaven. I know that my pea brain can never comprehend it. When I get there, I will know. For my life on earth and how ever much time I have left, I simply hope for peace and happiness. Really what we all want I think. I am not an intellectual. I am a simple person with simple hopes and dreams. I hope for as much time as possible to spend with my family. When I do think about passing on what grieves me the most is losing them. Period. It makes my heart hurt in ways I cannot describe. What gives me the most joy when I think about living is my family. Period. I think for me it is more an issue of balance. I am learning to enjoy each day more than I ever have, but still do the things that are required of me each day. Paying bills, cleaning house, doing laundry, the world doesn't stop just because I am sick. I try my best to instill in our kids what I have learned and believe, and do the best to help them become their best. I try harder to be the best husband I can be, and show my wife how much I love her. I try to face this challenge of cancer, no matter it's results, with strength, dignity, humor, and resolve. Hoping that it will teach our children how to face life. I try each day, sometimes without doing them well, to be more compassionate, understanding, caring and tolerant. I think more these days about leaving this place better than I found it.

Those are but a few of my thoughts. One thing I am finding is that even the way I think and feel about life and death is, in some ways, an ever changing process. I guess one thing that doesn't change is I try to focus most of my energy on getting well. We have a long ways to go with no guarantee's. But no matter what I will never give up fighting, not only to stay alive, but to enjoy whatever time I have left.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Feb. Update

2011-02-13T08:48:00.003-06:00

Well I am back home this weekend after being in Houston all last week. My parents and I left on Tuesday to go south and beat the winter storm. On Thursday I had all my tests, CT's, MRI, blood work etc. On Friday morning they did a Fine Needle Aspiration (better know as a biopsy) of the tumor under my arm. It wasn't the best trip in the world for several reasons but at least it is over for now.

One of the frustrating things that happened this trip was my doctor's appointment got scheduled for Thursday morning at 9:30, before I had my CT scan or my MRI done. It is kind of difficult for the doctor to make a diagnosis, or give a progress report on how I am doing without seeing any scans. After several phones calls to the nurse, it was decided by the doctor that I would still see him Thursday morning. It was a waste of time. (I did ask what happened and was told whoever scheduled the two day's made a mistake.) Later that day I went to another clinic there at MD Anderson to have my pick line cleaned and the bandage changed. (The pick line is the tube in my left arm that is used to inject the chemo. into me.) It has six stitches holding to my bicep. One of the stitches had pulled out so the nurse had to redo it. So she decided to redo all three on that side. She forgot to deaden the bottom one before she started stitching it. It wasn't that it hurt that bad, it was just another one of those frustrating things. And the biopsy, all I will say is they took a needle that looks like a drinking straw and stuck it in my three different times. Now I have three holes in my side. The biopsy is will be tested to see if my cancer has the mutation I spoke about a few blogs ago. It should take three to four weeks to get the results back.

With the doctor's appointment mistake, they told me they would call me on Friday morning and let me know the results. It's a little too confusing and time consuming to go into too much depth about all the dynamics, but when we met with the doctor and physician's assistant on Thursday we were left with the impression that they wouldn't do surgery. As I told my parent's and wife I was confused because surgery had been discussed at our last appointment. The physician's assistant called Friday morning and gave us the results. The tumor under my arm is shrinking and some of the cancer in it is dying. The ones in my lungs and abdomen area are not showing much shrinkage. Some are shrinking, it is just not significant. The good news is there is no new growths and it hasn't spread anywhere new. And the ones that are there aren't growing. So again, not bad news, just not the news we were hoping for. My cancer is being stubborn. One of the things I did ask the doctor was how much more chemo. can my body take? For whatever reason I am handling the chemo. very well. Most people only get six rounds before the side effects become too much. (To look at me, you would never know I was sick.) He said I should be able to handle at least two more rounds which would put me at eight rounds. So at the end of the phone call, the physician's assistant said the doctor was recommending two more rounds of chemo. About thirty minutes later I got another phone call from the physician's assistant. She told me that the doctor, after spending more time looking at my scans and after more discussion, had changed his mind and was now recommending surgery to remove the tumor under my arm. So the decision was made, the next step will be surgery in Houston. We don't know when it will be. They are supposed to schedule it and call me this week to let me know. We are hoping that it will be before the end of the month. Once I am completely healed after the surgery I will resume some sort of chemo. I have to be totally healed before I can do more chemo. so we don't have a set time frame.

Believe it or not, that is the short version. It was a stressful few days for us, but we continue on. Hopefully the biopsy results will show the mutation and I will be able to switch to a different type of chemo. and see if it will be more effective in killing my cancer. As soon as we have a schedule for the surgery I will update everyone.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................................

Voices.........

2011-02-10T05:57:00.007-06:00

I am sitting in the hotel in Houston as I begin writing this. I am watching the morning news shows and laughing as I watch them talk about the horrible cold weather. It's 26 degrees. Sorry that's not that cold. Some schools are even starting late due to the cold. They are asking people to conserve power here due to the cold. Last week, because of cold weather, they had rolling blackouts here! But I was reminded that a huge part of life is all about perspective and what we are used to. They simply don't have to deal with winter like we do in Oklahoma, and we don't have to deal with winter like they do in Kansas or Nebraska. It is all relative.

I am going to get on my equally sided rectangular object, or soap box. I will be the first to say the technology has, and continues, to transform our lives. Everything continues to change and evolve. Microwaves, TV's, cell phones, computers, cars and on and on. I even saw an advertisement for a car the other day that will now give audible facebook updates! (I think that is going a little too far.) If it weren't for modern technology I may not be doing as well as I am. And I will admit that I am somewhat of a gadget junkie. I like to have the latest and greatest, even though I am not good at using them. As a matter of fact, I really don't even know how to use half of what my computers and phone are capable of. But what I have realized is that one of the downfalls of modern technology is we are losing human interaction. Face to face, voice to voice interaction. Between text messages, email, facebook updates, and instant messaging, many of us choose those as the means by which we communicate. And don't get me wrong, I am guilty as well. Those means of communicating have their place and time. Sometimes they are easier and more convenient. I am one who uses a blue tooth headset because I don't like having to hold the phone up to the side of my head. I ask myself the question, have we gotten to lazy? Do we rely on convenience too much?

For me the answer is yes. I have realized over the last several months that I have come to rely too heavily on these tools. I think it is a sad editorial of myself that I can infer emotions in text messages with the ones I am closest to. I have come to miss some of that interaction with others. What I am learning is that not only do I miss it, sometimes I need it. (Not to mention I am getting really tired of texting!) It goes back to what I wrote about not long ago. We are not meant to be alone. Relationships with others is one of the most important things in my life. I need to take more time to make phone calls and actually speak with others. I need to take more time to have a meal, or share a cup of coffee with those I care about. And sometimes, and there really is no way around it for me, I need to spend time with them, not send them emails. I need to hear their voice, not send them text messages. Sometimes hearing their voice can fix a day gone bad, calm a fear that is getting out of control, give a sense of peace that I cannot find anywhere else, and put a smile on my face. Sometimes I just need to hear a voice.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............................

Running out of titles.............

2011-01-30T09:04:00.004-06:00

Man it is quiet in the house this Sunday morning. The kids are gone and Rebecca is still sleeping. I enjoy quiet much more than I used to. It gives me time to sit, be quiet, and reflect, if I choose to, and I have to be honest, I don't always choose to. I am learning that there are some times thinking too much at this point in my life isn't always a good thing. But I am learning to enjoy it every chance I get.

I was sent the link to a blog this week written by a man who is a journalist and melanoma survivor. (He is a much better writer!) The first post I read was about his struggle to be honest about his feelings. As any who follow my blog will know, I try my best to always be honest about where I am at and what I am feeling. So it was good to read about someone else's struggle to be open and honest. I have to admit, there are things that go through my head almost on a daily basis that I simply don't share with anyone. And I think for a multitude of reasons. One of them being I have learned that some people simply aren't prepared to hear certain things. I shouldn't expect people to always understand my fears or concerns. I also am careful not to share certain things because I don't ever want anyone to think that I focus on the bad in this thing. But for me to not have those thoughts and fears is unrealistic. I have yet to figure out how to be fear free. Fear is after all a God given, self-preserving instinct. I also believe, and this isn't rocket science, that I have to deal with my fears but not focus on them, or maybe a better way to say it is I cannot obsess on them. But all of this got me to thinking, how do I expect others to respond when I ask them how they are doing?

We all do it. When we see someone we know it is natural to ask, how are you? Do I expect an honest answer from them, or do I simply want the proverbial everything is good response? Do I expect the same honesty from the check-out person at the store as I do from my best friend? Am I prepared to be a good listener no matter who needs to talk? Simply put, I don't expect the check-out person to be as honest as a friend. And I hope that my wife will always answer more honestly than anyone else. But the question that I have come to ask myself, no matter who I ask is, do I really want the truth? Am I concerned enough about others to be prepared to listen when I ask? What is my motivation? Keep in mind, I don't think the check-out line at the grocery store is the time or place, but, I still must ask myself if I really care about them. Or am I too concerned about me and my life that I cannot focus on someone else, even for a few minutes.

Many people have asked me if this journey through cancer has changed me and my perspective on life. Simply put yes. It would take years to write about all of the ways. And I am starting to learn that this is one area I haven't done well in. Too many days it has been too easy to focus on only me and my problems. I have not been the kind of husband, father, son, brother, friend, or human being I should be. I haven't really wanted people to be honest with me when I ask them how they are doing. I haven't done much to serve others. So the question now is what will I do about it? Am I willing to get out of myself and focus on someone else, even if for a moment? Will I be willing to listen to someone who may need to talk? Will I do more for others without any expectiation of any reward? Can I get out of my own way?

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............................

2011-01-25T12:11:00.003-06:00

Well it has been a while, I know. I am not sure why. One reason is since the last medical update there isn't any new medical news. I did finish another round, and started on the latest one yesterday. I suppose I could call it writers block, but I am not a writer. The treatments are getting tougher and I haven't felt well most days. But I guess no matter what I call it, the bottom line is I just haven't felt like it. I wouldn't say that I have been depressed, but some days I have been down. I try my hardest to stay positive no matter what but I guess I am also human and this is turning out to be a long process.

I guess God knows what I need when I need it. Over the last couple of days he has brought people back into my life that I haven't spoken to or seen in a while. As some of you know I am a member of the Oklahoma Fraternal Order of Police. I know some people have there opinions of us overall so if you do keep them to yourself! What we are is a bunch of Police Officers who simply take care of one another and fight for what we feel is right. The FOP has been incredible to my family and I during this time. Anything I have needed has been done. They have supported us in ways that still humble me to my knees. I got to spend the weekend with many of them I don't see very often and it was just what I needed. Hearing them and their genuine love and support what just what the doctor ordered. There is no better organization or group of people in the world. Yesterday I was contacted by a family that I have known but not spoke with in years. They shared their stories of cancer, and have already become a great support. Then I received a phone call from an old friend who has been great at staying in touch with me.

I attended a funeral on Friday that was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Her name was Jennifer Mansell. I met Jennifer around 12 years ago. She was a Tulsa Police Officer and a cancer survivor. She battled breast cancer for 10 years and it finally won last Monday night. Cancer again took one of the truly great ones. She was one I could call on anytime and knew she would be there for me. Even though she worked for a bigger department, she never looked down on me or treated me any different than she did anyone else. She was honest, hard working, and loved life. Sitting at the funeral, (which if you have never been to a Police Officers funeral I strongly suggest it, there is no other like it) I was reminded of how tight a bond we have has Police Officers, and saw how many lives she touched during her time on earth. Obviously Jennifer and I have at least two things in common and sitting through the funeral brought a whole new range of emotions for me at this point in my life.

But what I came away with from all of this is the reminder that family and friends is what we have here, period. Money, possessions, toys, none of it matters. I wrote a blog a while ago about God not giving us more that we can handle. I wrote about one of the ways that God does that for me is through all of the people in my life. My family and I cannot do this on our own. God uses each of you to give us the strength we need each day. I was reminded that I cannot isolate myself from the world no matter how I feel. We were not intended to be alone. I have a friend who used to say if God wanted me alone he would have put me on my own planet. He was right. Thank you to each of you for all you do for us. As I have said many times before, we simply cannot do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......................

Update

2011-01-02T18:12:00.003-06:00

Sorry, I should have done this sooner. We went to Houston this week for a scheduled exam and doctor's appointment. We had Christmas with Rebecca's side of the family yesterday at our house. We got back from Houston late Wednesday night so I haven't taken the time to sit down and write.

So the latest. After another wonderful round of CT and MRI scans and x-ray's, we met with the doctor. I won't go into great detail but the visit didn't start off well. The physician's assistant went over the Radiologist's report with us. Based on what she said, there wasn't much change in the size of the tumors. When the doctor came in he asked us if she had gone over the reports with us and if we felt good about them. I obviously said no. Long story short, he explained that the Radiologist compares the last round of tests with the current one, thus showing little change. He then stated he looks at the very first test in October and compares it with the ones done on Wednesday. Doing that, you can definitely see a change in the tumors. The large one under my right arm is showing a black spot in the middle meaning the cancer is dying. The smaller tumors in my lungs have shrank some. The larger tumors have shrank some as well but not much. I also have lymph nodes in my pelvic area that are cancerous as well. The doctor seemed a little more pleased this time with the progress than he usually does. He stated he had hoped for more results but some is still better than none.

He also told us that I came to him with more disease (cancer) than anyone he has ever seen. He then said I have more disease than two or three of his patient's combined. Not what you want to hear from your doctor. But, as he stated, the good news is, it still isn't in any of my major organs, or my spine, or any other place that would change things in a major way. And we thank God for that. So the plan. I will do two more rounds of treatments here in Tulsa. After them we will return to Houston for our normal check up. At that time we will meet with a surgeon as well and will schedule a surgery to remove the tumor that is under my right arm. (Actually it is on my chest area on the right side directly across from my bicep.) This is where it get's technical. Apparently, and I cannot pronounce the name, melanoma can mutate. When the tumor is removed it will be tested for the mutation. If mine has the mutation, they will change me to a pill form of chemo that is effective for treating the mutation. The testing part takes a while, so while waiting to get the results I will do another two rounds of chemo here at home. After the results we will decide what to do next. The final step will be another surgery on the larger tumor in my left lung. There is an outside possibility that if the nodes in my pelvic area don't completely shrink I would have to have surgery to remove them.

So again, not great news, but not bad news. I asked the doctor if he was happy with the progress. His response, he was hoping for more shrinkage. But the best part is there is shrinkage and there are no new growths. So we carry on. I have to be honest, I can't get very excited about more chemo. Each round seems to be a little tougher that the last. But at least we will be home. Keep us in your prayers, as I know you do. I am working on a blog about this last year and the challenges we face this year so I won't carry on too much here. But 2011 is shaping up to be another year of challenges for us. We are going to face it head on like we did in 2010. And I am going to do my best to remember to........

Put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...................

Round 4

2010-12-21T09:48:00.003-06:00

Greetings from the Wileman house. I hope this blog finds each of you well, warm, and done with your Christmas shopping. I know not all of you can be finished though because not all of you have asked me what I want! Just kidding. I still have a few things left to get myself, but I just cannot stand going into stores this time of year. I actually went with Rebecca the other day and was quite proud of myself. I think I really surprised her when I suggested that we finish whatever shopping she had left. I won't do that again I promise!

Well Round 4 is officially in the books. As I stated before we were able to do it here in Tulsa which was great. I went Monday through Thursday for about three hours each day. Then on Friday I had to go in for a shot that is designed to make new cells. It was a difficult week for me. I am finding that each round is a little harder than the last. I still don't have any nausea to speak of, and my appetite remains good, but I had other issues. Basically my blood pressure stayed too high through most of the week, I am having some sleeplessness and joint and body pain. I also am having a disconnected feeling. It's kind of strange and hard to explain but I will just stare off into space, have a hard time getting things to go from my brain to my mouth, and just cannot seem to process things in my head. I am also struggling a little with the whole process. I told Rebecca the other day one of the frustrating things for me is there is no end in sight for all of this. No one can say on this day and time that this will be over and you can get back to living. And I understand that no one can, it just doesn't make it any easier for me. But we plug on. We will go to Houston on December 29th and 30th for the next round of testing. We will then see what the tumors are doing, what the doctor's say and go from there.

I have also been reminded that no matter what, life doesn't stop. I noticed the other day that the back bumper on my car had been hit and no one told us! (Bumper is totaled.) And two of the kids are sick. High fever's, coughing and just miserable. I am doing my best to keep from catching it but I don't have much hope. But we keep on putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best we can. We have so much to be thankful for this season. It could always be worse!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Upate

2010-12-08T18:37:00.003-06:00

Well this one will be short. No ranting or raving about things of the world. No going on and on about the things floating around him my head. I won't wax poetic about high gas prices, the government, health care, the leak we had last week that drove my water bill up three times the normal bill, the fact that there is nothing on TV when you sit around the house most of the day, bad drivers, cold weather, eating out, the holidays, traffic, and........oops sorry bout that. I digress once again.

The good news is we found a very good doctor here that is willing to follow the treatment plan given by MD Anderson. We met with him this week and were very comfortable with him, his staff and his office. So long story short, I will start the next round on Monday in Tulsa. We are very grateful. We will still have to go to Houston December the 27th through the 29th for more testing. They will do a full battery of tests to check the progress of the treatments and then we will go from there. MD Anderson and our doctor there will still be the main doctor and hospital no matter what. But we are going to take advantage of doing as much as we can here. Over all I feel good. I still have no major side effects. The energy level is still not normal but that is to be expected. And we are still grateful for the lack of side effects.

Not much else is new. We are getting ready for Christmas like everyone else. Rebecca has gone back to work and is dealing with a crazy schedule. The kidos are good and definitely ready for Christmas. And one thing is sure, we are enjoying being home! Thank you again for all of the thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, and cards. We can't do this without you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................................

I never would have thought.............

2010-12-01T06:19:00.007-06:00

Wow, I just looked down at my watch and realized it is already December! Where does the time go? And yes, as I get older time seems to go even faster. I can honestly say one thing for sure, when this year began I never, not in a million years, would have been able to guess how this year would end. Never saw it coming, not quite like it has. All I can say is this year has been many things. One of them is the "I never would have thought" year. Let me explain.

"I never would have thought that I would actually work less days this year than I have worked, and still have my job!" Okay, that is one example. I wanted to give you a little taste to help you understand my thinking. I sometimes use the term "cancer fallout". It is actually interchangeable with the term "I never would have thought" when I use it. Now that we are hopefully on the same page I shall begin. I will start with some of the more obvious:

1. I never would have thought that I would end the year as a stage four cancer patient. It's not something you add to your New Year's resolutions or a to-do list.

2. I never would have thought that I would sit on the couch so much that the cushion's would take on and hold the shape of my backside. They did. Enough said.

3. I never would have thought that I would be able to tell you all the good places to stop between here and Houston, TX. Just ask me, I really do know a great beef jerky place.

4. I never would have thought that I would spend so much time in Texas. I am sorry to all my Texan friends but I still feel a little dirty when I get home from there. I have to ask Bob Stoops to forgive me.

5. I never would have thought that I would actually be able to give a guy in Houston directions on how to get somewhere in Houston. It really happened at a stop light, and he lives there!

6. I never would have thought that I would get used to being stuck in the back of the hand with needles. Wait, never mind, still not used to it.

7. I never would have thought that I would spend so much time in doctor's offices and hospital's. It's payback for all those years I refused to go to the doctor. I call it a conspiracy.

8. I never would have thought that I would be on a first name basis with someone at the health insurance company. I am still deciding if I should buy her a Christmas present. Nope never mind.

9. I never would have thought that I would get caught with chewing tobacco in my mouth, in the hospital room at the MD Anderson Cancer Hospital, by the doctor, with my mother in the room. True story! hehehehehehe.....................

10. I never would have thought that I would see so many people, especially in Owasso, Collinsville, and Law Enforcement, do so much for us to allow us to fight this fight with all we have. But you did.

11. I never would have thought that this journey would bring me even closer to people in my life who I care so much about and who care so much about me. But thank God it did.

12. I never would have thought that this journey would actually push some people further away from me. Sad, but very true. (My commitment to honesty.)

I could go on and on. So much has truly happened that I haven't expected. Some good and some not good. It's part of life. But I think what has been most surprising to me is all of the good that has happened in my life in spite of such a bad situation. Some of it is truly funny, and that has been one of the great "cancer fallouts". I have said from the beginning I had two choices that day the doctor told us the news. I could give up and die, or I could fight and make the most of each day. I chose, and still choose the latter. And humor is a huge part of getting better. I love to laugh at situations, and love even more to laugh at myself. I can do some pretty funny stuff and trust me I don't mean to most of the time. And there has been some rough times as well. There really are people in my life who have gone the other direction for some reason. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's making them deal with their own realities, I really don't know. But it breaks my heart. There have been some day's that just aren't good for me. Some day's I have focused on the wrong things, or allowed the negative to control my thinking. I am not perfect. But what I can say is this, one of the strangest "fallouts" for me has been, in some ways this has been one of the best things to happen to me. It has changed my perspective on life in so many ways it would take me forever to write about all of them. Hopefully it is, and will make me a better human being. Hopefully, no matter how much time I have left, I will leave this world a better place than I found it. (I am not saying this is going to get me. Let's face it, we don't know how much time we have on this earth. If the Tulsa Transit ever start's running a bus route, in my neighborhood, in Owasso, and a bus comes by at the exact moment that I step into the street, and it is exceeding the speed limit of 25 mph, and it doesn't brake or swerve to miss me, I could be hit and killed by a bus!) It's possible. It' all up to me and the choices I make. Aw, I think I will save that for another day.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................

Strange

2010-11-28T23:21:00.005-06:00

I am experiencing something new tonight. It is 11:30 and I cannot sleep. Sleep is usually not a problem for me when I am well, and it definitely hasn't been a problem since I started my treatments. But for whatever reason I finally gave up and got out of bed. So I figured it may be a good time to do a little writing.

I find myself in a weird place the last few days. I am not sure quite how to express how I feel except to say I feel somewhat lost. I think part of the problem is I don't feel sick. My family and I are still amazed that I am not having any major side effects from the treatments. Nor do I have any physical problems from the cancer. I have to remind myself sometimes that I am a stage four cancer patient! I guess the biggest issue is that I have very little to do right now since I am not working. I used to think it would be great to be in a position to not have to work. Well I was wrong. And what makes it harder is the fact that I feel fine most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about feeling good, I am very grateful for that. But it makes the down time harder. Another problem is because of the pick line in my left arm, and the lympedema in my right arm, I am restricted to lifting less than ten pounds. I also have to be very careful not to cut or hurt my right arm. That can lead to an infection which would be bad for me. I guess the bottom line is the boredom is getting old. In the big picture of things we are so very grateful that things are good and boredom isn't going to kill me. It's just another one of those things that I call "cancer fallout" that I didn't expect. It's actually kind of funny now that I have talked about it. Oh well maybe it's time to start reading more cause I can tell you there is nothing on TV most of the time!

We got a piece of news today that was a great relief. I haven't blogged about it because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it at the time. Brianna, our nine year old daughter, has a birth mark that had two moles in it that were changing. We took her to my dermatologist before we left for Houston to have it looked at. While we were in Houston her grandmother took her back to the doctor to have them removed and sent off for testing. Of course, under the circumstances, you can imagine our fears while waiting for the test results. They were negative, praise God. I have blogged before about my belief's about God not giving us more than we can handle. I can honestly say I don't know what we would have done, especially Rebecca, if things had turned out different. Thank God we didn't have to "handle" that!

I start my search tomorrow for a doctor here at home who will simply follow what the doctor at MD Anderson prescribes for my treatments. We really would like to stay at home for the next round and any that may follow. We should have an answer by the end of the week. Keep us in your prayers that we will find the right doctor. We will keep everyone updated.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..................................

Home

2010-11-27T07:48:00.002-06:00

Well it is Saturday the 27th of November and I am on my favorite spot. The couch! If I haven't said this enough, it is good to be home! Rebecca and the kids got the Christmas stuff out yesterday and got the house decorated. So I am looking at a beautiful tree, with a fire in the fireplace and the stockings hung on the mantel. Okay, I will stop, I am sounding like a Christmas carol. But it is beautiful and starting to feel like Christmas.

It was great to be home for Thanksgiving. The kids were excited to see us and we were excited to see them. The tradition in our young family has quickly become we spend Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with mine. She has a much, much, larger family than mine and for them Thanksgiving is the holiday everyone comes together if possible. It was great for Rebecca I know. If you don't know, her parents and one set of grandparents, are missionaries in the Philippines. As most of you know her mother flew back to Tulsa when we found out we were going to spend so much time in Houston. While we are gone she stay's at the house and takes care of the kids. Her father and sister were able to come home as well last week. So on Thanksgiving there were around thirty people in here uncle's house for the day. It was a great day for everyone I know. I am just not used to that many people in one house! I wasn't having the greatest of day's physically and one of the fallouts from the treatments is I seem to not be able to handle a lot of noise and people. I managed to stay for a few hours before going home and sleeping.

I share that to say this. I want to say a huge thank you to her parents, Gary and Jeannie, and my parents, Larry and Judy. All of whom have made huge sacrifices to do whatever has been necessary to help my family during this journey. It was not an easy or cheap task for Jeannie to drop everything she was doing in the Philippines and fly home for such a long period to help. It wasn't easy I am sure, for Gary and Rebecca's sister Sandra, to let their wife and mother go for such a long time. And it couldn't have been a bigger help to us to have her here with the kids. It allowed them to stay in their own house and keep as much of a normal routine as possible.

My parents have made two trips to Houston with us, which was the plan from the beginning, to help Rebecca and I while there. They have spent a lot of money on travel and lodging and food, not to mention a sacrifice of their time and routine to do whatever has been needed. They have sat with me in the hospital and during treatments, done our laundry, and been with us every step of the way. They have put their lives on hold for us.

During this Thanksgiving season, and trying to focus on what I am grateful for, I have thought a lot about the sacrifices that both families, and especially our parents, have made for us. I understand it more now that I am a parent. As a parent and someone who is now responsible for and to others, I realize what a sacrifice it has been for all of them. It has also been a tremendous reminder for me of how important family is. All families, I think, have times we may not agree with one another, may even get mad at each other, but no matter what when it comes down to it, we stand together and support each other without question or fail. And family and friends truly are what matters in life. Period.

Mom and Dad, Gary and Jeannie, we will never be able to repay you for all that you have done and continue to do for us. And there are no words sufficient to tell you how grateful we are for each of you. But, thank you very much! We simply would not be able to do what we are doing without each of you and the sacrifices you all have made.

We love you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........................................

My Wife

2010-11-19T08:41:00.004-06:00

I am sitting, once again, in the hotel in Houston. It is a beautiful morning here. It is cool at night, just perfect enough to open the windows and enjoy the cool air. As much as I am enjoying the weather, I am ready to get back to Oklahoma and I don't care what the weather is like there! There is simply no place like home.

The title of this one is my wife. I have been on Facebook the last few minutes chatting with some friends. Both of them, as they always do, asked about Rebecca. As I sit in the quiet in the other room, it got me to thinking. What an incredible woman she is. I realized that some times it is so easy for me to get caught up in my own physical pain, the cancer, and all that comes with it, I forget what she must be going through. She gets as close to cancer as a person can without having it themselves. I have been reflecting back on all that she has done, and the emotions that she must be feeling as we go through this journey. I realized on such an acute level, what an incredibly strong woman she is. She keeps this family running. She makes sure that the kids have what they need, making sure they are in basketball, at practice, have rides home from school, keeps the house clean when we are home, grocery shops, cooks and works as much as she can while at home. With me, she keeps my schedule of blood work and doctor's appointments straight and keeps my medicine filled and makes sure I take them when I am supposed to. She has to flush my pick line everyday and has to change the bandage on it once a week. Just changing the bandage takes about twenty minutes and isn't an easy task. She and my mom had to take two classes at MD Anderson just to learn how to change the bandage! And when they did they had to demonstrate on me that they knew how to change it properly before they would let us leave the hospital. Whenever I take a shower she has to wrap and tape it with cling wrap to keep it from getting wet. Whenever we meet with the doctor's she is the one who takes notes, asks the important questions and then helps me understand what was discussed. She leaves the kids for an entire week each time we have to go to Houston. Never easy for her or them. She is my public information officer, nurse, family CEO, mother, partner and best friend.

But what I have been thinking about more this morning is what she must be going through emotionally. What a strain all this must be on her. But more than that, I tried to mentally switch roles and put myself in her place. I couldn't do it. As a spouse, the worst thing you can hear is that your partner has a disease that could take their life. Especially for two people who are so young and at the beginning of their marriage. (Yes, I said young. 39 is not that old!) I know that her fear is as much as mine has been through this journey. One of my biggest struggles from the beginning has been, this isn't fair to her or the kids. But life isn't fair. But she keeps going, putting one foot in front of the other, and not one time has she complained. Not once has she whined, griped, asked why, or complained about what she is going through. She simply does whatever needs to be done and does it with an attitude that makes me jealous! She is our rock, steady and strong and level headed when the rest of us aren't. She laugh's and jokes with me when I am down, lovingly get's on to me when I need it, calms my fears when I am scared, and gives me strength everyday. She know's me better than I know myself. She has stood beside me, without question, everyday. She is an incredible woman, wife, and mother who deserves all the credit.

Thank you Rebecca for being with me and teaching me what unconditional love is really all about. I love you!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath...............

Before and After

2010-11-18T08:24:00.006-06:00

Good morning from Houston. I am sitting in the hotel this morning as I write. I thought it might be interesting to do a before and after all in the same blog. We'll see how it works.

We had a full round of test's done yesterday. I had a CT Scan, MRI brain scan, X-Ray's and blood work. We meet with the doctor at 11:30 today to find out the results. As I stated in a previous blog, the doctor told us last round that they want to see a 25% reduction in the tumor sizes to continue on with the current treatments. If there isn't that reduction, the doctor stated he would stop this treatment program and look for a different one to try. Obviously the hope is that this treatment is working and we will be able to continue with it. (If it is working we will check into the hospital tonight and begin round 3.) I wish I could say that I am 100% confident that all will go well today and we will be in the hospital tonight, but I cannot. I am praying that it is working, but I cannot help but worry about it. Obviously we had a lot of hope going into this treatment that it would rid my body of cancer. And I know we will be disappointed if it is not working. The other fear is each time something doesn't work, there are fewer options left. I think I do a pretty good job being positive most days, but as we draw closer to the appointment today, the more apprehensive I become. So we are saying a lot of prayers, and hoping for the best. And when I return to finish this blog we will have our answers.

The after. Well the news wasn't the worst in the world, but wasn't the best either. Actually let me clarify, it wasn't what we were hoping for. It was still good in some way's though. It was a roller coaster ride from them time we walked in the office. We alway's meet with a Physician's Assistant before we meet with the doctor. When the assistant came in she gave us copies of the reports from the tests. They were not so good. Then when the doctor came in he told us to ignore the test results because they were wrong. The bottom line is that the smaller tumors have shrunk. The larger ones have shrunk as well. But none of the shrinkage is significant enough to continue with the current treatments. That is still good news. The better news is there are no new tumors, my brain scan was exactly the same as it was before, with no new growth and the one spot they won't even call cancer hasn't grown any either. The treatment's. With the last treatment's there were five different drugs. Three types of chemotherapy, Interluken 2 and Interferon. We originally thought the doctor would suggest an entire new treatment program. Either some sort of clinical trial or some new drug. What he suggested was continuing with the three types of chemo., eliminating the Interluken and Interferon. In his experience and along with numbers from clinical trials, chemotherapy shows better results. In the clinical trials the Interluken and Interferon showed around a 15% success rate. The chemo. showed a 40% success rate. Combining them showed a 50% success rate. Obviously it is different with each person, and it is not as effective with me as they had hoped. The other problem is the Interluken and Interferon are both very toxic drugs and hard on the body. He believe's the success we have seen so far is due to the chemo. So the plan is that we will continue the chemo. We will start the next round here on Saturday. Each treatment is 4 days in the outpatient clinic. (No more nights in the hospital!) The doctor said it could consist of up to 6 treatments, with another round of test's to follow round 2. We will reassess at that point. I will also most likely have to have surgery to remove the larger tumors in the lungs and under my right arm. The best news of all is that we will be able to do the treatments at home, with a few trips back to Houston for follow-up's. We are going to do the first round here simply because we are already here. But we should be home in time for Thanksgiving! So it isn't all bad. Obviously we were hoping for your cured, go home. Oh well, it could always be worse. And we are grateful that it isn't. Thank you for all of your prayers, thoughts and messages today.

Well that is the latest. We will spend tomorrow being lazy and then get started on Saturday. We are both very tired. The last several days have been emotionally taxing, and now that we have some answers we are crashing. We will continue to keep everyone updated as we go.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Soap Box

2010-11-14T11:28:00.003-06:00

Okay, I am going to do something I try not to do when I write. I am going to get on a new soap box. This blog isn't intended to be a place where I preach or judge. But it's also about me being honest about where I am at in life and the lessons I am learning as we go through this journey. We had something happen this week that opened my eye's to something I have been guilty about too many times in the past. But this instance made me realize how much I can hurt someone else. As I write this, I am writing to me more than anyone else.

Have you ever played the game, especially when young, where a large group of people sit in a circle and someone whispers some statement in the first persons ear, then they are to whisper to the person to their right the same statement? The point of the game is each person is supposed to tell the secret to the next person, then the last person in the circle say's the statement out loud. The gist of it is that the last person never get's the statement correct. It's actually amazing how much the secret changes by the time it get's to the last person. The point of the game is to talk about rumors. What happened this week was a rumor. Wednesday morning I got a phone call from our best friend. They were very upset because they had heard that while in the hospital on Monday night for my fever, that I had a brain scan done and they found more cancer and gave me six months to live. And when I say upset I mean upset. I finally convinced them that there was nothing further from the truth. But as I hung up the phone I found myself upset they they were upset, and angry that someone would start that kind of rumor. (For those of you who don't know me very well, I am very protective of the people close to me.) I later spoke with a few other people who had heard the same thing. I had to stop myself from not trying to find out who started the rumor!

As I calmed down I began to think about rumors. I realized for the first time in a long time that rumors, whether started intentionally or not, and I don't think this one was, can be devastating to people. And believe me when I tell you cops are the worst. But it got me to asking questions. Why is it that our culture feeds so much on rumors? Why can't we learn to just keep our mouths shut when it doesn't concern us? Is it that we need to feel better about ourselves to see or hear others in pain or trouble? Is it a center of attention issue, where we want others to listen to us? I am not a shrink and I don't have the answers. All I can do is answer for myself. I know in the past when I have perpetuated a rumor, it was because I wanted to look others to look at me as someone in the "know". I wanted to appear smart and wise with my dissertations that usually came after sharing the rumor. I would cover the rumor with those dissertations to make others think I was doing it because I cared about the person who I was talking about and knew what was best for them. (Even though they weren't there to hear it!) I did find pleasure in others pain or trouble. I did enjoy the "juicy" rumors about others. I am guilty of all of it.

What this is teaching me is this, mind my own business. I have a friend who used to say, "if it is past the end of your nose, it is none of your business". He is right. It is helping me to see that what I say, whether true or not, can be detrimental to someone else. Rumors, true or not, can damage someone's life forever. I think it is why the scriptures talk about the power of the tounge and the necessity to keep control of it. I need to simply focus on my life and responsibilities. It is also helping me to look inward and find out what it is in me that feels the need to talk about others. I need to work on my own insecurities and character flaws. I need to be more compassionate about others in general whether I like them or not. I need to learn to be less selfish every day. I really need to learn to think before I speak. I need not focus on anything past the end of my nose, period.

No the rumor is not true. I had no scans and nothing new was found in my brain. We leave tomorrow to head back to Houston. I have a full battery of test's scheduled for Wednesday and we will know more on Thursday when we meet with the doctor. And please, if you hear any rumors about my condition, call us and find out if it's true. I don't want what happened to our friend to happen to anyone else.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........................

Behind

2010-11-11T12:21:00.003-06:00

Well let me say sorry for not writing sooner. We have had a few health issues since returning home and I simply have had days where I haven't felt like doing much. It's good as always to be home! It's getting harder each time to get motivated to make the trip south. I just don't like being away from home! I am truly a home body.

The last round of treatments went well once again. I did have two days of my first real bout of nausea on the last day. I am really grateful I haven't had to deal with that any more than I have. It is not fun. The side effects were about the same otherwise. On the day that I was released they gave me a shot that is to help encourage white cell growth and to help boost my immune system. When we got to the hotel room that evening my fever spiked to 102. After speaking with the doctor they felt it was probably caused from the shot. We stayed in the room that evening and stayed the next day. My fever broke and by Friday I was feeling good enough to drive home. I felt good on Saturday and Sunday. Monday I started feeling bad and my fever spike to 101.5. We then went to the emergency room, as instructed, and once we got there my fever was almost 103. They took blood, did a chest x-ray, and started me on antibiotics. Of course my fever had broke before they started any medication! They still sent me to Tulsa to the hospital to keep me overnight for observation. After a night of observation and medication they could find nothing wrong. All of my blood work was fine and my fever never spiked again. I am having problems with my right foot and ankle. It is an old injury but in essence I have torn ligaments and bone fragments in my right ankle. I was scheduled to have surgery on it in October of last year but obviously once the cancer was found last year it took precedence over the ankle. The doctors in Houston say that one of the treatments I am receiving can cause joint and bone issues, especially in areas where there were previous problems. The bottom line is now my right foot and ankle are swollen to the point I cannot bend my toes or walk on my foot and hurt all the time. More fun, let me tell you! Other than that, I feel fine now. I am not dealing with any other side effects and am grateful as always for that.

Not much else is new on the medical front. We will leave next Tuesday for Houston. I am scheduled to have tests done on Wednesday and Thursday. We are very apprehensive at this point. As I stated in my previous blog, if the test's show no change in the tumors the doctor stated he will stop this treatment and we will have to look at other options. Obviously we are worried because it would mean that we are running out of options. Keeping with the theme of honesty, it is hard on us right now to even think that way. We may have some big decisions to make next week, so for now we are trying to focus on just being at home and enjoying time with our family and friends. It's not how I wanted to spend my thanksgiving but it also helps remind me that I still have so much to be thankful for! Keep us in your prayers next week. As soon as we know more we will let everyone know.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

The latest from Houston

2010-10-30T12:53:00.007-05:00

Well I am writing this in the hospital room in Houston. I just finished the first round of five and so far all seems well. I did have what they call rigors. They are actually chills from the drug interferon. They make you shake uncontrollably, so hard it makes the bed shake. And once it reaches that point for me they have to give me Demerol. It is the only thing that will stop it. It is a long twenty or thirty minutes. The itching and rash has started as well but it is not too bad, yet. Rebecca and I are doing our best to just have fun, even in the hospital. The nurse was asking a list of questions yesterday and one of them was are you easily distracted? I started staring at one of the monitors. She asked me again, sir, are you easily distracted? I said, sorry that monitor distracted me. She found it very funny. She is one who actually has a sense of humor. We joke with all of the staff and some are more receptive than others. I see it as another challenge, to get all of the to laugh be the end of the week!

On the medical front, I had a chest x-ray yesterday before we met with the doctor. When we met with him the news wasn't what we were hoping for. The good news is there are no new tumors, and the current tumors haven't grown any. The frustrating news was they haven't shrunk any either. The doctor said with this rigorous treatment, they usually see results after the first round. After some discussion he said, and we agreed, that we would go ahead with round two. At the end of the week we will hopefully be able to come home for two weeks like we did last time. Then we will come back to Houston and have a full round of test's done to check the progress. If at that point the tumors haven't shrunk by at least 25%, the doctor will stop these treatments and we will look at other options. PRAY FOR SHRINKAGE!

Pray for my wife and her family as well. Late last her her grandfather, her mother's dad, was rushed to the hospital with a possible stroke. After keeping him over night and testing, they have ruled out a stroke. He is okay now but they don't know what is going on. Pray for my wife this week as well. This is tough on her and she never complains, ever. It's not easy to spend a week in a hospital room when you are not the patient. And don't be afraid to call or text us. If we don't answer it just means we are busy or asleep. And don't worry if you don't know what to say, we don't either. We can talk about the weather, or how bad our Dallas Cowboys are this year!

Well that is all I have for right now. Time to lay back down and rest. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............................

Don't take it for granted......

2010-10-27T16:47:00.006-05:00

Well, from what little I was able to be outside today, it was very nice. The trees around here are starting their changes and are beautiful. I am looking forward in some ways to the drive to Houston tomorrow. I actually enjoy long drives in the car and seeing different parts of the country especially in the fall. But I know too that I will be glad when we do get there and are able to get out of the car.

Don't you just love this day and age of modern technology? Facebook, Twitter, instant chat, comment sections, blogs and on and on. Yes there is some sarcasm behind that statement, but there is also a lot of truth to it for me as well. I have to admit, I do the Facebook thing. Mainly to stay in touch with people who I may not otherwise. And obviously I blog. But I cannot help but giggle a little when I read the things that get posted, especially on Facebook. You can count of the minister's, if you have any as your friends, to post religious postings. You can count on restaurants to post weekly specials. You can be sure some of your friends will always post things they hate about work. Of course, and rightfully so, you can count on proud parents to post pictures of their children. But the thought occurred to me the other day, maybe if we pay attention we can learn about each other by the things we post. It caused to me to stop and think for a minute about the things I post. I don't post a lot, but I do from time to time and I wondered what my posts say about me? I know that we all see posts from people who are constantly negative, some with the world is against me attitude. (I have to admit when I read those right now I want to get on there and offer to trade them places!) Are mine that way? Some are always funny. Are mine? Some of them are constantly those games that every time you level up, or farm your neighbor, or water some animal, or walk some plant they have to post it. I won't even go there. So I went back and looked at mine and yes, it says a lot about me and where I am at right now. They are all cancer related.

Then the light bulb came on and I thought you dummie, you have a blog. What does that say about you? I guess what is really driving this blog is when you are in the position I am in it changes your perspective on life. As I stated in the previous blog, my life will never be the same again. Almost every thing we do right now is cancer related or focused. And hearing the things we heard from the doctor in the beginning of the ordeal makes you stop and look at life and what is really important. I have had my priorities rearranged whether I wanted them to or not. I guess what I really want to say is this, take nothing for granted anymore. I have learned the hard way that there are just somethings in life that aren't as important as we thought they were. My work as a Police Officer in Collinsville goes on without me. Just like it did before I worked there and will do long after I am gone. The Fraternal Order of Police will do the same. It functions just fine without me. Not that I don't contribute to those places when I am well, but I am replaceable. Those places and things don't make me who I am. They are what I do. What makes me who I am is my family and friends, my core beliefs, the way I was raised and my choices in life. But mostly the people. I told my mother yesterday that you know you have friends but since this has happened we have watched people, literally all over the world, start to pray for us, email us, call us, text us, donate their money and time and support us unconditionally and it is amazing. And that's what life is all about. Family and friends. And I am reminded everyday that life is precious. Period. Take nothing for granted anymore. Learn to enjoy life everyday no matter what happens. You just don't know. I have to tell you a story then I will get off my soap box. As I got about halfway through this blog my phone rang. It was the seven year old daughter of our best friends Ron and Rae Sutton. She called to see how I was doing. She told her mother she wanted me to know that she loves . She did it on her own! That's what life is all about. (And yes I cried a little.) Give someone a hug today you normally wouldn't. Call that person you have been meaning to but haven't. Tell your family you love them. And thank God for the blessings in your life.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........................

2010-10-24T11:14:00.004-05:00

Well I want to apologize for not writing sooner. I would like to say that I have been so busy I haven't had time to write, but that is just not true. We have been been busy the last two days, but I have had plenty of time to write. Rebecca however has been busy. She is amazing. Since we have been home she has gone to work as much as she can and taken care of me. Her mother came in this week to help with the kids over the next several months. She has already been a huge help. Today we have nothing on the schedule and hopefully we will be able to rest and refuel.

On the medical front all is well for the most part. I still am having minimal side effects. The only one that has been an issue since being home has been a rash and itching caused by one of the drugs. It was rough the first few days but has improved greatly over the last several days and I am grateful. I have to continue to have blood work done, even while at home. I go to a lab here in Owasso where they draw the blood, test it, then send the results to the doctor's at MD Anderson. I have done two so far and all my numbers have been fine. I am not sure what is going on right now but the last two days my knees and feet have hurt to the point of almost being immobile. We don't know if it is related to the cancer drugs or if it is something else but it has been rough. There is also the typical energy issue. I just run out of gas pretty quick but that is to be expected. I am sleeping well and have found my long lost appetite. As of Monday I had lost around 30 pounds but since then I have put some of it back on with the help of Rebecca's great cooking, doughnuts and cookies and cream ice cream! It's kind of nice to not have to worry about putting weight on. I look at it like a bear feeding in preparation for hibernation. I know that the week I am back in the hospital I won't feel like eating so I am eating now in preparation for my hibernation!

The last two days have been incredible. Friday was the Fraternal Order of Police golf tournament fundraiser, and Saturday was the all day fundraiser at the Silver Dollar Restaurant in Collinsville. Yesterday there was an all you can eat breakfast, Poker Run, raffle, and auction. I was able to go to the breakfast then the auction. It was utterly amazing to see. My family and I cannot say thank you enough to the people who worked so hard to put on both fundraisers. We also cannot say thank you enough to the sponsors who donated money and items to both of the fundraisers and to all who participated. It was truly amazing. We simply could not do this without all of you and your support. Thank you!

Well, will we leave on Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I have to be back at the hospital on Friday at 2:00 pm. (Funny, that actually give you a piece of paper that are called "orders" with the date and time of return!) I have to be honest, right now I am not looking forward to it. I laughed when I just typed that. How could anyone ever look forward to cancer treatments! But honestly I have mixed emotions. I know I have to do this. I know it will save my life. But some days to think about it is overwhelming. I have the typical fears like, will I do as well this time as I did the last? Will the side effects be worse? Are the treatments working? Has the cancer spread more? I know these are typical emotions, but if I dwell too long on them they can be overwhelming. I try to simply focus on today and the gifts I have been given. As my dad said from the beginning of this latest journey, my life will never be the same again. He was right. The trick for me now is how to make the adjustments to accept this as my life now, and how to be and do the best I can, enjoy life as much as possible, and walk through this journey with dignity and honor. One thing is sure, each day is a totally new experience.

That is all for now. I will write more over the next couple of days. I have a lot rolling around in my head that I won't bore you with. I will save it for another day. Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. We cannot do this without each of you!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....................

No Title

2010-10-15T08:57:00.006-05:00

I tried to think of a clever title for this post but so far nothing has come to me. I am writing this in the hotel across from the hospital. Earlier in the week I kept call the hospital room, the hotel room and vice versa. The hotel room is much better, the one I am in now. The only thing better will be when I see the front of our house!

In staying true to my theme of honesty here I have to tell you, yesterday was a very odd day for me. The end of round one. During the week I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital. I was tired of having someone in and out of the room every two hours either poking me, testing me, weighing me, changing my chemo, and on and on. I got very tired of sleeping on the small bed, and not being able to turn over and sleep on my side. Let's face it, after seven days, all of it was getting old. One of the things that Rebecca had to do was learn about taking care of me while at home. I had no idea what would be involved. Obviously my immune system is shot, and will be for some time. So I will have to be very careful when I am out of the hospital. Something like a simple infection could kill me. I cannot shave with a razor anymore, I cannot let my skin dry out, cannot get dehydrated, cannot get a fever, cannot be around large groups of people for very long, and on and on. I guess it was another fall out of all of this I did not expect. When we left the hospital and got to the hotel room I found myself not wanting to leave the room. I found myself wanting, in some ways, to go back to the hospital. As bad as I wanted to get out of there, when I did I realized I had left a comfort zone. But today is better. It's another part of the journey that I will have to be careful when not in the hospital to take care of myself, but find that balance of not going to extremes either way.

I have to say that we are very grateful that things have gone well so far. My body has done well and the side effects, while not fun, have been minimal. I don't feel great, but I don't feel horrible. Rebecca and I went outside today and sat in the sunlight which felt great. For me it was the first time in seven days I have been outside. As I sat on the bench and soaked up the sun and fresh air it occurred to me that this was only round one and there are many more to come. As I started to contemplate how many more rounds of this I will have to endure, I was reminded that all I can do is take this mess one day at a time. If I focus on anything else I won't make it. My little saying that I post at the end of each blog has never meant more to me than it does right now. Literally. Because I have to drink a lot of water, do breathing treatments and walk as much as possible. We will also need A LOT of prayers tomorrow. We just heard from the nurse that we are cleared to go home so we will head out in the morning with my parents. We are going to drive which is normally an eight hour drive. But tomorrow it will be doubled because we will have to stop every hour and a half so I can walk around to avoid blood clots. Please pray for us!!

My family and I want to again say thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers. There is no question that one of the biggest reasons that things have gone so well is because of all of the prayers that have lifted us up and carried us through. We cannot thank you enough. I am living proof that prayers work. Period.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...........................

Wednesday

2010-10-13T12:27:00.002-05:00

Well as a I sat down to write this the fire alarm went off. Rebecca had just left to go down stairs and get some milk, and mom and dad aren’t here. I kinda giggled cause the elevators don’t work during a fire alarm so they won’t be able to get up here for a while. Me, being the cop, walked out into the hallway to investigate and got yelled at to shut my door. Don’t they know I am a…..they might but right now it is meaningless. All about perspective. I still can’t tell you what it’s like outside right now. Looks pretty from the window. They did say that maybe later today or tomorrow I can walk outside. Would be nice.

My post from yesterday turned out to be a little misleading. As the day progressed I felt worse. I spent most of the afternoon sleeping. I guess it finally caught up with me. I didn’t fell horrible, just no energy. The main thing I am dealing with right now is shortness of breath. The way it was explained to me was the drugs cause my body to retain a lot of extra fluid which in turn puts pressure on my body one of the results being the shortness of breath. They have me doing breathing treatments three times a day. Which is a great gesture but not really much help. Right now it is better. In case your curious the parade of folks in and out of the room starts around 4 am each day. From 4 until around noon it is non-stop. Today for example the nurse started at 4 am. Then comes the person who takes my blood pressure, temperature, pulse ox, and weight. Then comes the next person with a breathing treatment. Then the day shift nurse comes in and introduces themselves and goes over the plan for the day. Then another lady came in and took more blood. At some point a physicians assistant will come in and go over where my levels are at and let us know how everything is going. Then shortly after that a doctor will come in and do the same thing. They have all been great. They have made things so much easier. They treat us everyday with kindness and compassion, answer our questions, and listen to us. It makes a huge difference.

So the tentative plan for today is let the last course of drugs go through my body, continue to keep and eye on my vitals and see where things stand tomorrow. I have the catheter in my arm that will stay in place until this whole mess is over. One of the things we will have to be very careful of is infection. It will have to be flushed and cleaned and bandaged once a week even while at home. Which means Rebecca and Mom are having to go to two different classes on how to do it. Then, later today, they will have to actually perform the procedure in front of the nurse before they will let me go. We will be here at least through tomorrow. We may be released tomorrow or Friday depending on how much my swelling goes down. Once released, we will have to come back to the hospital once or twice more to have blood work done to make sure all of my “levels” are stable. It is looking like we will most likely be able to leave for Tulsa on Monday or Tuesday. (As I say that the nurse just took my blood pressure and it was too high so who knows) That’s it for now. I feel better today and am grateful. It has not been fun, but it could have been a lot worse. I will let everyone know more as we do.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don’t forget to breath…………..

Tuesday

2010-10-13T09:09:00.001-05:00

Well it is Tuesday morning here at MD Anderson. The only major even that has happened thus far is that I accidentally poured a 32 oz. cup of cold water on me and my bed this morning around 6 while trying to take medicine the nurse was giving me. That is one way to wake up! I guess that is payback for trying to tease the nurses too much this week. I have been trying to blog the last couple of days but the internet here isn’t so great and it won’t save or publish my post so we are going to try and do this a different way today.

On the medical front all is going really well. All of my numbers from my blood work are perfect. I still have a few small side effects like fatigue, some diarrhea (I knew you wanted to know that), shortness of breath and bloating. Most of them are supposed to stop the minutes the drugs stop. I have had no nausea or dizziness. Honestly the doctors are surprised I am doing so well. I am still getting up and walking around two or three times a day. I will start my last round of treatments Wednesday morning around 4 am. then they will take me off all of them and keep me for observations for a day or two. The will then release me from the hospital on Thursday or Friday, and we will stay here in Houston for a day or two then be on our way back to Tulsa! I know this, without a doubt. The only reason this has gone so well is because of all of the thoughts, prayers and support of all of you. PERIOD! I was just talking to Rebecca and Mom about that. We have people praying for us all over the world and I am a firm believer in prayer. THANK YOU! Its not been easy, but it has been as easy as it could be because of all of you. The other good news it that this usually means the following treatments will be easier as well. The next question will be how is it affecting the cancer? We should know in about six weeks.

My family and I simply cannot thank each of you for all you all are doing for us. It is humbling and amazing. I have thought a lot about this while lying in bed these last few days and the simple answer is there is power in numbers. Not once have I been depressed or down. Not once have I said why me. I realized that I am drawing my strength from all of those prayers, thoughts, fundraisers, messages, phone calls, and texts that we have gotten from all of you. Surprisingly I have been in a great mood each day knowing that this is only temporary and soon I will get to be back to my home and family and friends. There is no greater motivation.

Well today will be another normal day for me of more needles and drugs and trying to eat. I think I may go see if I can challenge someone to a race around the nurses station. Thank you again to all of you.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don’t forget to breath……………..

Machine

2010-10-10T16:10:00.002-05:00

This is the machine that hold all the drugs. I am hooked

to it 24/7. Even have to shower hooked up to it. And when

a bag gets empty it sounds a very loud alarm. Lovely

when your dead asleep

Round One in Houston

2010-10-09T18:20:00.003-05:00

Wow, I have been wanting to write for a few days now but they don't leave me alone long enough to get anything done. I will write more about Thursday another day. There is just too much to cover at this point. I will say that the put the catheter line in my left bicep. They poke a big hole and then take a flexible piece of wire and thread it through the veins. It has to go over the shoulder, past the heart and to the right lung area. The first two attempts weren't good. Let me tell you when they poke the vein with the wire, from inside the vein, it ain't fun. Then a surgeon looked at a place underneath my right arm that we thought was fluid build up from my last surgery in Tulsa. The idea was to drain it to give me some pain relief. Again, poked with a big needle but nothing drained. Which means it is now a hematoma. Which means another surgery at some point to fix it but not now. And yes it was wicked painful. I about jumped off the table.

After all of the tests and scans and pokes and sticks, we met with the Doctor around 2 pm. First, I passed the physical to proceed with the treaments. They did find a small defect in my heart that I don't understand but all of them seem to not be concerned with it. Then, and yes here it comes, they found more cancer in my lungs, both of them. Until yesterday they could only find the cancer in my right lung. And apprenetly one of the spots is of good size. Then, and by this point I had my suspicions, the brain scan showed a small spot. The good news is the radiologist wouldn't call it metastatic. He said it could be a vein or something else. But they are concerned because the spot is visible from every angle in every scan, and it wasn't there in any of the previous scans. So they are changing one of my drugs, to a drug that will penetrate the blood brain barrier and hopefully kill whatever it is. We were the given the "orders" and had to report to the hospital. We were assigned a room and told to come back whenever. So Mom and Dad and Rebecca and I went to eat dinner. We finally reported to the hospital around 8 pm and checked into our room. They started the IV around midnight giving me fluids only. Then around 2 am the chemo. started. Even though it's called chemo and it is, it's also not. I am being given a combination of drugs that are chemo, while some aren't typical chemo. One of them, a drug called interferon, gave me the most horrible chills I have ever had yesterday. I started shaking so hard that I was shaking the bed to the point you could hear it rattling, that went on for an hour. They gave me some medicine to help and the first round helped but didn't stop it. Finally they gave me some more and I was able to sleep for a while and stopped shaking but woke up with a 102 degree temp. Guess you got to give to get! So far there hasn't been much nausea, mostly fatigue and some dizziness. Sleep comes in small spurts due to being checked on or stuck every couple of hours. Today should tell us a lot. They said yesterday that for most day two and three are when the symptoms set in for most people. We are praying they will be minimal for me. The list of possible side effects is just too long to list here, so if I get them I will just discuss them as they come. The nurses and doctors are the best. Each day for me is a new adventure and I am doing my best to laugh and joke with the staff. Some like it, some don't know what to think of me! I love it.

Well I told my family when we left the doctors office yesterday that there has always been some doubt in my mind as to whether or not coming here was the right decision. The cost, logistics, separating us from the kids, and so many other doubts have gone through my mind. And as much as I didn't want to hear that the cancer has spread even more, it was reassurance to me that this is the place we have to be to get the help I need. So I am here, 100%. It is going to be horribly expensive, I am going to be away from home a lot, it is going to be hard on the kids and my family and friends. It is going to be super hard on me physically. But this is where I have to be. Period. I have seen so much already that has changed me in some ways. I met a 4 year old girl with melanoma. It started as a spot on her arm, then moved into they nodes under her arm, hum, sound familiar? My wife and mother met a man with melanoma in his lungs and brains. It's good to know that in that since, I am not alone. I have heard stories from patient's that are absolutely inspiring to me. I see this place now as a place of hope and promise. Along with that, and all of the support from our families and great friends back home, we are going to beat this no matter what it takes. God brought us here for a reason, no doubt about it. Well as I was sitting here typing this the nurses have been changing out the drugs and today begins round two. One of the drugs makes you sleepy and kind of out of it so I will stop for now. Please don't be worried about calling us or emailing or texting us. It is great to hear from everyone. Hopefully we will be back in the middle of next week to see everyone. Thank you again to all of you for you support, prayers, messages and calls. And to those of you who have and are working so hard on fundraisers for us. Just incredible.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to pray.................

Morning

2010-10-05T08:13:00.003-05:00

Well just a quick update this morning. It is Tuesday October 5th. We fly out today at noon on a plane that is part of the Angel Flight program. And what a program that is. They fly patients to MD Anderson in Houston (among other places I think) for free. It is mostly for people who cannot afford to fly commercially or who have to fly back and forth on a regular basis. It is private plane owners and companies who donate their planes, and time to provide a service to others. It is incredible. It is another one of those things where others have stepped up and helped us tremendously during this time. Besides it beats having to go through airport security or the Houston airport any day of the week. Then, thanks to my Texas State Fraternal Order of Police family, we will have a ride waiting on us when we land.

As most of you know by now my parents are going with us. They both came down with the head and chest junk over the weekend and aren't feeling well. Both Rebecca and I started feeling ill last night. One of the rules at the hospital is if you are sick you cannot be around the patient's so we need prayers that we will all be feeling well by Thursday. Yesterday I kept saying, I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick. Mind over matter! No please pray for us that we are well by the weekend. Otherwise we are doing okay. Obviously we are nervous. The fear of the unknown is always the worst. I think we are all ready to get through the first week so at least we will have a better idea of what to expect. There are still many things up in the air like will I feel up to traveling after the treatments. If not, we will have to find a place to stay there in Houston. Not an easy proposition to find a place there that is affordable. Rebecca's mom will be coming on October 18th to stay at our house with the kids. So, we had to send them of to stay with family members last night which was hard, especially on Rebecca. We are going to miss them. This is a very difficult time for them and they need lots of prayers as well. There is not much else at this point. I am going to post blogs as much as possible. Some of them may be through dictation to Rebecca, but we will keep everyone posted as much as possible.

Thank you again for all you prayers, support, emails, and texts. Thank you to all of you who are giving of your time and energy to do fundraisers and help us during this time. Words cannot express how grateful we are. We love all of you guys.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Donate Button

2010-09-30T14:44:00.002-05:00

Two blogs in one day, I know, I know. But it was suggested to us by a new friend that we set up a PayPal account and link it to the blog so it would be easier for people to donate. Again after some consternation on my part, and pushing by family and friends I did. (Rebecca did all the computer work!) It is the donate button in the top right hand corner of the blog. Once again another example of the incredible things others are doing for us right now! Thanks Mike.

Schedule

2010-09-30T07:50:00.002-05:00

My favorite time of day, my favorite time of year. I just dropped the kids off at school, the wife is in bed and it is quiet in the house. And sitting on the porch on a beautiful fall morning with my coffee is just about perfect. Then the dump truck goes by, oh well. Which reminds me, I am going to call the city of Owasso today and see if they will put up some orange barrels, or cones, or signs in front of my house because I think the street we live on is the only street in Tulsa County that is not under some sort of construction! I remember laughing so hard I cried one day a few years ago. They were redoing the State Capitol building in Oklahoma City, and I don't know if it was a real contest or just something the paper was doing, but they were taking suggestions for what should go on top of the dome. One guy said and orange construction barrel! I am still laughing today.

Well we now have a schedule for next week. We leave on Tuesday the 5th. We don't have to be at the hospital until Thursday morning at 8:30. When the nurse called it took her twenty minutes to give Rebecca the schedule for that day. We literally have appointments from 9:00 that morning until 8:00 that night. I get to do everything from a counseling session, to blood work, to scans (yes I get to drink barium) to stress tests, and heart tests and on and on. Then we return to the hospital on Friday morning at 8:30 for my catheter. Let me pause right here for a minute. When I initially heard that word, I called everything off. Apparently it's not the kind of catheter I was thinking about. It's actually a port where they will always inject the treatments. Okay, so lets call it a port, not a catheter. Because, and I told Rebecca, if they try the catheter the way I am thinking I will run out of the hospital and will beat her back to Tulsa! There are just some things where I will draw the line. I have my standards. Then we will meet with the doctor and nurse later that day to go over the treatment plan and will have to be admitted in the hospital before 11:00 pm on Friday. Then the first round will begin. And yes Adam (a fellow Officer from Altus who commented on my last blog) I have been in touch with the Texas State FOP Vice-President who has been incredibly helpful. Again, we are still just amazed at the response and help we are getting from all over the country. Simply amazing.

We are doing good. My brother came to town this week and I am getting to spend some time with him which is always great. Yesterday was a good day. So far, today is a good day. We have a lot to do to get ready to leave but we are also trying to take some time for ourselves and not let it overwhelm us. It has been a wonderful lesson and reminder for me to focus on today, and not worry about tomorrow and things I cannot control. It's times like this that help me see that even when life is normal, I spend far too much time worrying about things tomorrow, or next week or even next year. I have today and I am grateful for that. We still have to do things to plan ahead, that is part of life, but I also don't have to allow those things to become a point of stress for me either. When I do, I miss out on things like helping the kids with their homework. (Yes I was helping with third grade math last night and was totally lost. Go ahead laugh, next time I will call one of you!) I have also realized that when I spend my time worrying or focused on things that I cannot control I can become absent from my own family, even in the same room. So, we enjoy today. Whatever happens in Houston, we will find out about when we get there. Suddenly the word balance comes to mind. No I haven't figured it out, but there is a lesson in that word for me.

Thank you again to each and everyone of you for you love and support. I cannot express how important each of you are to us in this journey. We will keep you posted as always.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..............

Good Morning!

2010-09-28T08:00:00.005-05:00

You know if I could have sat down and ordered up the perfect weather day it would have been yesterday. What an absolutely gorgeous day! I was joking with someone that we had better enjoy this week because knowing how things go in Oklahoma it could be snowing next week. And believe me I am enjoying it.

There isn't a lot of news to talk about except we aren't going to have to move. Things fell into place that will allow us to stay in our home. I am beyond grateful. I cannot express how grateful I am. I also had to sit down yesterday and sign a will, medical and financial power of attorney, and end of life directives. I have to be honest, it wasn't something I was planning on doing at this point in my life but it is part of being smart and prudent. Later in the day I told Rebecca don't take the $637.42 and my two worldly possessions and blow them all in one place! She laughed and reminded me that I am not even worth that much (financially)! In some ways this week has been very surreal. Things like signing those documents was very weired. Trying to get disability. weired as well. But something really amazing has happened to me over the last few days. I have found a new strength and a new frame of mind. Much of the fear that I felt last week has begun to melt away and I am starting to see this as just another adventure in life. And the best part is I know what is causing it. Each one of you!

I have been utterly amazed and humbled at the people who are going far above and beyond to help us. There is already numerous fundraisers in the works, money has been donated, our yard is taken care of, and the list goes on. I have even received emails and messages from people I have never met. What I am learning is that once I let go and started accepting help, I found a new source of strength. When someone calls, writes or texts, I get filled with strength and some of that fear goes away. I could go on and on but I won't. We simply want to say thank you. There will never be any way we will be able to repay all that has been and will be done for us. But I want you to know that each of you have already helped in ways you can never imagine. I feel better mentally, emotionally and physically. I am more ready each day to get to Houston and fight with everything I have. I am less and less scared of the treatments, less scared of the financial issues, and more trusting that God will take care of us no matter what. I have said from the beginning to my immediate family that this isn't just my fight, it's a family fight. Well the fight just got a whole lot bigger because each of you are my family, and we cannot do it without you. THANK YOU!

Well we don't know the exact date but will leave the first of next week sometime. I am scheduled to check into the hospital on October 8th to begin the first round of treatments. Then hopefully I will feel like coming home in the following two weeks. I guess one thing I should request prayer for is the doctor's and nurses at the hospital. As much as I don't know what I am getting myself into, they have not a clue what they are getting themselves into with me. You will need to pray that they can deal with me as well! Oh and definitely pray for my wife and parents as well. I can be a handful! Hey you gotta have fun as much as possible and hopefully I will be able to do that during all of this. I will blog again sometime soon but I wanted today to let each of you know how grateful we are for all that is being done. Absolutely amazing!

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...............

Houston, We have a problem.........

2010-09-23T13:03:00.004-05:00

I wish I could sit here and say that I haven't agonized over this decision, been scared in a way that I never knew was humanly possible, or just completely locked up at times, but I can't. I have done all of that over the last several days. This has and still is an absolutely unbelievable experience to go through. It is well past a journey. But we continue on.

We are going to Houston for treatments. In one sense I am relieved a decision has been made. In other ways I am more scared now than ever before. We also made the decision to move out of our house and move in with one of Rebecca's family members. It's the last thing that I or we wanted to do, but we have no other option. We have no short term disability at work, and we simply cannot stay here with me not having any income. I hate that we have to turn the kids lives upside down like that, I hate that this disease is causing my families lives to change completely with no end in sight, and I hate that I have no control over it at this point. I hate that this has been so completely overwhelming for Rebecca and I. We are having to do our best to make the right decisions with what little information we have. I hate watching my parents go through this. Your not supposed to have these kinds of conversations with your parents. I hate that most likely I will have to walk away from my career that I love. I am too young. I hate that the very treatments that are supposed to help me could kill me. I hate that the doctors agree that I have most likely have mirco-melanoma cells all over my body that we may not find till it's too late. I hate that we don't know yet how my body will respond to the treatment's. Will it make me so sick I won't be able to come home during that time? I hate that my wife and parents, family and friends, will have to watch me go through all that.

If you haven't picked up on it yet I am a little bit angry right now. I have said all along I will always be honest with where I am at. I also share that because I have talked a lot about how for me, shifting the mental and emotional gears is important for me. Well I have shifted a gear now. I think being angry at this thing is a good thing for me. All of the things I just talked about, along with a million other things have been swimming in my head for the last several days. And making the decision to go to Houston, even though it created many more questions, helps me get focused on fighting. And when I get angry and focused usually means you better just get out of my way. I won't stop until I win it. (You can ask the people who know me best, I can be a little more that tenacious when I reach this point.) We are going to make any sacrifice necessary to do whatever we have to, to not only make this work, but to win it. As several of my friends have said all along, I am just too mean to lose to cancer.

We still need tons of prayers. We have so much that is up in the air right now. Big decisions will still have to be made from here on out. It is not going to be easy on any front, but all we can do now is take things one step at a time. What we do know is we will go to Houston and the first couple of days will be more testing. Then I will be admitted into the hospital to begin the treatments. I will be in the hospital for a week for the treatments, then will be out for two weeks then back in a week. This will go on for a minimum of 5 months depending on how well the cancer responds. They told us that it will be up to me and how I feel if I will be able to travel home during those two weeks off. If not we will then face the issues of trying to find a place to stay there in Houston. If you remember, we had talked about the real possibility of me going on permanent medical disability due to the last surgery and the loss of the nodes. We are going to look into that now to see if that will be an option. It would at least, at some point, bring in some income. I could go on and on but I will stop. The important thing for us it is time to fight. And the fight is on. We cannot say thank you enough for all of the help, prayers, phone calls and cards we have already gotten. Those are the things that give us the strength to get through this. THANK YOU!

We don't have anything set in stone in terms of a date, but when we do we will let everyone now. We are going to spend the next couple of weeks packing, moving, and doing what needs to be done now to get ready. I will post more next week. Oh and if you were wondering about the title? I don't think the doctor's and nurses have any idea what they are getting themselves into with me.......hehehehe........

Andy,

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.............

Signed,

Andy

Short One

2010-09-21T13:27:00.002-05:00

We have been asked many times over the last several days by many of you what we need. My normal reaction is we don't need anything. Actually, that is my ego not wanting to ask for help. I am simply not good at asking, and my closest friends know that about me. So our best friend Rae decided to open a benefit account at the American Bank of Oklahoma in Collinsville. (Not Bank of Oklahoma.) And I have to be honest, finances are going to be our biggest obstacle through all of this. So I was asked if I would post this information on here, and after some consternation by me, and encouragement from others here goes. To donate money to the account you may contact the following people: Rae Sutton (918) 951-6529 or Michael Dunning at (918) 629-5776. They can direct you on how to donate. If anyone knows where I can get a new body free of cancer, around 25 years old, in really good shape, with more hair I would be very grateful as well! Thank You!

WOW!

2010-09-20T20:18:00.003-05:00

I thought the last time I wrote was information over load. I was wrong. I didn't realized that you could actually reach a point where no matter how bad you want to think, and I mean about anything, you just cannot make your brain work. It's possible. I actually forgot how to get to the bathroom today, and I was standing in front of the door! And the worst part is it ain't over. If this keeps up I may actually get committed for being comatose on my feet.

This is going to be another long one. I apologize, but to make it understandable there is simply no way around it. We had our appointment at MD Anderson last Friday. When you first arrive the nurse does the initial intake, asking a million questions. Then the Physician Assistant comes in, asks the same million questions, does a brief exam then leaves to get the doctor. This visit, the Assistant came back in and informed us that the doctor was looking over my latest PET Scan, done just weeks ago, and told us that he had found a spot in my right lung that he didn't like. She told us that he was looking over all of the Scans, MRI's, CT Scans done over the last year to see if the spot showed up in any of them. Finally the doctor came in and said those magic words you love to hear when you are at one of the leading cancer hospital's in the world........I have bad news. YAH! What he told us was that there is a nodule in my right lung that "lit up" on the PET Scan and was bigger than it should be. (It wasn't in any other scans.) He told us that in his opinion, he would feel safe saying as percentages go, the chances are 90% that it is cancer. He then told us that if we wanted to have a biopsy done that we could but that it comes with a lot of risks. The biggest risk is the lung collapsing. He stated, and we are in agreement, that doing a biopsy is simply irrelevant. The reason is because the fear that we have had all along is that the cancer would metastasize and it has. And because of that there are most likely micro-metastasized cancer cells other places in my body. Thus it is not very important that it be biopsied because whether or not it is won't change the treatment plan. Upon asking him, he told me he would put me at stage 4 cancer.

We then began discussing treatment options. Actually he and Rebecca discussed them. I was sitting in the corner staring into la la land wondering if I could jump over the exam table and be out the door in less than two steps. What I finally learned the next day was he suggested three treatment plans. Mild, Moderate, and Advanced. Fairly simple sounding names. Don't let that fool you. I did. The moderate is one drug with only a 1% effective rate, would be done here at home and is fairly inexpensive. I would also be able to work during the treatments. The moderate is a combination of two drugs, is only 4% effective, costs around $15,000 a treatment, and would take a minimum of 5 months. Most likely I would not be able to work during that time due to being sick from the treatments. The advanced has two options. Both are a combination of drugs that are about 16% effective, range in cost from $45,000-$75,000 a treatment, can only be done at MD Anderson in Houston, and is physically brutal on the patient. They both are a minimum of 5 months which obviously means I won't be able to work. I also have to pass a physical exam just to see if my body can handle the treatments. It would mean being in the hospital in Houston for one week during the treatments, then off for two weeks, then back again for a week, and so on. The last question that Rebecca asked was what was the prognosis without any treatments. The answer, I have 18 months to live. At that point, while still in la la land and planning my escape, I am pretty sure I started drooling. All I wanted was to leave. When we got home we started looking up the drugs that are involved we found several articles that said once it gets into the lungs the patient has 15-18 months to live without treatments.

So the quandary. At this point we feel the only option is one of the advanced treatments. We understand that the cancer has gone "mobile" and that is not good. Whether or not the spot in my lung is cancer is irrelevant. We have to do something, and it needs to be aggressive. The problems now are numerous. First there is the obvious, money. Not counting the cost of the treatments, there is me not working and trying to maintain our life here. We will have to take measures to down size to the bare minimum financially. Then there is being in Houston for more than 6 months. The logistics are mind boggling. There is travel, food, medicine, and the list goes on. But, and what weighs on our decision more, is the long term prognosis is not good. I called a good friend of mine today who is a Radiologist at the Cancer Treatment Centers of American in Tulsa. After a conversation with him, he spoke with an Oncologist there and both immediately said I need to go to MD Anderson. We are going to go. One way or another, we are going. But, and I don't like to ask, we need help. Please pray that God works things out for us to go to Houston. Please pray that God works things out here at home. Especially, please pray for my family, all of them. The stakes have been raised once again and the fight is on. We are going to fight with every ounce of our beings, and are going to seek out every option possible. I will be honest, I have not had a good day. I have let the fear take over. I have asked why me, what now, what are we going to do? All we can do at this point is put one foot in front of the other, work towards going to Houston, and trust that God will open the doors. We trust that all will be okay.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....................

Latest

2010-09-11T11:42:00.002-05:00

It is Saturday as I write this. I am trying to get it done before 3:00 pm because it is that time of year again! OU football. They play at 3:00 today and once kick off comes, I will be doing nothing else but watching the game. What a great time of year. Cool Saturday's with nothing to do but be lazy and watch football. And for anyone who is wondering, my wife is a huge football fan, especially OU football. Yes I know I am lucky. One of the reasons I married her.

We have a little bit of news. We met with the surgeon yesterday. The first thing is he took the drain out of my arm pit which I am very grateful for. They aren't so much painful as they are annoying and restrictive. The final pathology lab came back on Thursday and he was able to let us know what they said. They took 15 lymph nodes out during the surgery and of those, 3 were cancerous. I think in my previous blog after the surgery I talked about a tumor under my arm that they weren't able to get to through the first incision. It too was cancerous. Also some of the tissue he removed that was around the nodes was cancerous as well. The rest of the nodes and tissue he took out was clear. It's what we all expected. No better, no worse. On Wednesday and Thursday I was very sick. I had chest and head congestion along with aches and pains and couldn't hardly get off the couch. After sharing that with the surgeon, he told us that it is a viral infection and is most likely what caused my breathing problems on the operating table. We know there will probably have to be more surgeries in the future and we were worried about the breathing issues. He assured us that the issues were a result of the illness and nothing else, and that we shouldn't worry about any more issues during any future surgeries. We have not met with our Oncologist here and don't know when we will. We do have an appointment at MD Anderson in Houston next Friday the 17th. We are going to meet with them and see what they say. We will then come home, met with the Doctor's here, and formulate a game plan. If we feel that I can be best treated in Houston, we will do everything we can to make that happen, if it's at all possible.

Again with the hurry up and wait for answers. I think yesterday both Rebecca and I reached a point that we just flipped the proverbial switch and turned it off. We are both worn out and needed to rest. I cannot say enough about my wife. She is incredible. She has taken care of me, the kids, the house, and been constantly on the phone getting medical records and talking to Doctor's office's. Tenacious doesn't even cover it. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. We are shutting it down for the weekend. We are going to rest this weekend, try not to think too much, and hit the ground running on Monday. We really appreciate all of the emails, calls, and texts from everyone. It means a lot to us and gives us strength everyday. We know things will be a little different this time, but the one thing that will never change is that all of the thoughts and prayers we receive are what helps us get through no matter what the road ahead my bring. Thank You!

Post Surgery

2010-09-07T18:32:00.003-05:00

I am sitting on the couch, writing and watching TV. In case you are wondering the show is one of those entertainment shows and they are talking about "Dancing with the Stars". Wow, do we not have anything better to do now days than watch people, called stars, dance? And how is Bristol Palin a star? That is thirty seconds of my life I will never get back!

Well, as I stated, we are home. The surgery went okay. Once I was under, the doctor began and removed the first lymph node. It was then immediately sent to the lab where it was tested and confirmed that it was cancer. He then removed all lymph nodes that he could find. He also told us that there was an area of tissue that didn't look good to him so he removed it as well. After that he began working on other areas of tissue, as we understand it, as a precautionary measure. During that time I stopped breathing, and did so a few times. The decision was then made between he and the Anesthesiologist to stop the surgery. He did tell us that he accomplished what he hoped to but was unable to continue to do more because of the breathing issues. We hope that all was removed and won't have to do another surgery in the same area, but that will remain to be seen. We will now have to watch the issues that come with having the nodes removed. The next step, at this point, will be to make an appointment with MD Anderson in Houston. We are going to try to get it done next week. The Oncologist here will wait on the lab results to come back and we will then meet with her and begin to formulate a treatment plan. As I stated in my previous blog, much more will be known once the labs come back. I am feeling good for the most part. I am in a small amount of pain but it is much better than the last two surgeries. I do have another drain tube in the arm pit that we have to drain once an hour or so, but luckily this time the after care is minimal.

The last two times I have had surgery we made arrangements for the kids to be elsewhere. This time, after some discussion, we gave them the option to go to school or go to the hospital with us. Each of the last two times it was hard on them to not be there through the whole process, which left them with a lot of questions. The hope was if we took them they would feel more part of the process and help answer some of their questions. They each chose to go with us and I am glad they did. They got to be there with their mom and my parents which I think helped all of them. They did great too. They got to watch the IV nurse put my IV in, got to see the inside of the room, and got a great laugh when they saw me in the "gown". It was quiet funny to watch and listen to them try not to laugh out loud when they saw me.

Well, it wasn't the news we were hoping for. It was the worst case scenario at this point. We still have a lot of unanswered questions that will simply take time. We have always known in the back of our minds that this day and others like it could come. As I think I stated in the last blog September 24, 2010 would have been my one year mark. Almost made it. I cannot even begin to express the feelings and emotions we have all felt over the last few weeks and especially today. Scared, angry, numb, hopeful, overwhelmed, tired, we have covered them all. Funny how things change so quickly in life. We face a new challenge, one that brings more to the table than last time. Along with a greater sense of urgency, comes an even greater will to fight no matter what it takes. I have been reminded today as I spent time with family and friends, that nothing else matters but my life with my family and friends. Each of you brings strength and hope into our lives everyday. My outlook is simple, I will fight with everything I have and enjoy each day to it's fullest. And at least if I am going be sick in will be in the fall and not the horrible heat we have had this summer! We will do our best to keep everyone informed as we go.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Short Update

2010-09-05T15:31:00.001-05:00

This one will be short and sweet. I am scheduled for surgery Tuesday morning at 7:00 am. Much more will be known after the surgery and we will post a new blog and let everyone know what we find out. We are taking today (Sunday) to just be lazy and enjoy the day. I told Rebecca today is a time out!

Information Overload!

2010-09-01T18:27:00.003-05:00

Well I am going to skip the weather issues and other anecdotes on this one. It is going to be a long one, sorry. We have been filled with tons of information over the last two days and in the final analysis, I don't know that we feel any better about things than we did before. I will do my best to explain in short and understandable terms where we are.

Let me first cover some points about melanoma. It is probably the least understood cancer, and without a doubt the hardest cancer to treat. Mine was an advanced melanoma. And with melanoma the cells, in the beginning, are microscopic. So small in fact that they can, and normally go undetected by all tests until they reach a certain size. The obvious problem with that is once they are detected they can be a serious issue. For example, one of the questions we had was my blood work. Every time I go to the doctor they do blood work, and every time it is fine. When we asked the doctor about that she said that is normal. It very rarely shows itself in the blood work. The next issue, and really the main issue with melanoma, is a term called metastasis. In essence, it means the cancer cells have begun to spread. I call it going mobile. With melanoma, the statistics are not good. Most don't survive advanced melanoma. And one of the worst things that can happen is that it shows up later in another part of the body. Thus, it metastasizes. It has gone mobile. One of the things we asked the doctor was when it shows up in another part of the body like my lymph-nodes, is it still melanoma or is it lymphoma? The answer was simple, melanoma. She said that once that diagnosis has been made, no matter where it shows up it is still melanoma. When we left the doctor's office yesterday my dad said it best. I will paraphrase, but basically he said, everything I have read about melanoma is, if it comes back anywhere else other than the original site, it is not good. It means that it has metastasized and the fight is on. I don't know a better way to sum it up. Another of the basic questions was, what stage do they consider me. Cancer has four stages, one through four, four being the worst. She has me at stage three. Bad, but not stage four. Stage four is mostly when it gets into organs. Obviously our fear at this point is that if it has metastasized it could be in other parts of my body but has not grown enough to show itself yet. One of the doctor's statements to me was, I understand this is your worst fear come true. Very true.

The next step is surgery. I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday the 7th. What the surgeon will do is take out a lymph-node, do some sort of test where they freeze the node and photograph it. From that they will be able to confirm that it is cancerous. At that point they will do a full node dissection. When they remove the nodes they will be biopsied and from that the Oncologist will be able to determine a lot. They will then be able to tell if it has metastasized. Don't ask me how, that is way over my head. But the information they receive from the pathology lab will determine what will happen next. Another one of the issues discussed was possible treatments. Basically chemotherapy is useless against melanoma. There will most likely be radiation on my right arm and shoulder area. You may remember when we went through round one, one of the suggestions was a drug called interferon. At the time we opted not to do it. It is the only drug, so far, that has shown any affect on melanoma. But it is a horrible drug for most people, with terrible side effects. Our doctor did say that we might have to look at it as a real possibility this time. (We hope not!) There is a new melanoma drug that has shown the best results by far, but it has not gotten final approval by the FDA yet. I think that the biggest thing that has caught me off guard so far was, if they do a full node dissection I will possibly have a lot of problems in the future with my right arm. With the nodes gone, a great amount of fluid will collect in my right arm causing swelling, lymphedema, and infections. One of the biggest contributors to those issues is usage of the arm. I will have to limit what I do with that arm. Not good for my line of work. I won't be able, if those things occur, to fight with people or do too much with that arm. When we brought that up with the Oncologist the first thing she said was that I may not be able to be a cop anymore and that she would help us get on medical disability. We asked the surgeon about the same issue today and he confirmed my fears as well. In our retirement system I cannot medical retire until my ten year mark. I am at six and one half. Not what I wanted to hear. I knew what the end result of the cancer could be, but I never thought I may have to give up the job that I love in the process.

Let me first of all say this. We are not being negative, nor will we EVER give up. Rebecca and I made a few commitments to each other when all of this started a year ago. The first and foremost is that we will always be honest with each other, the kids, and each one of you. I was watching a video clip the other day on the new melanoma drug on MSNBC. The first statement that the doctor being interviewed made was, "advanced melanoma historically is a death sentence". That is our reality. Not that we think that will happen. But we also won't bury our heads in the sand, whistle dixie, and pretend everything will be okay. We have to know what we could face. The fact is, if things go the way we think, this is going to be a greater challenge. We both have to worry about sick time at work. I have some left but it won't last long. The kids still have to be fed, the bills have to get paid, life goes on no matter what. The fear is multiplied this time, partly because we are more educated that we were the last. One of the other commitments we made was that when we get bad news, we give each other a day or two to feel whatever we each need to feel. Whether it is angry, sad, scared, frustrated or any other feeling. We give ourselves that time to feel it, deal with it, and be done with it. We then come back together and say, okay, enough. Now we shift those gears and fight, period. We are pushing in the clutch and starting to shift. It is going to be a long weekend waiting for Tuesday. But, one thing is for sure, we have been through a lot and have learned how to keep going forward and fight with all we have. We have a great support of family and friends who have done and continue to do so much for us. It has been great to have my Mom and Dad with us every step of the way this week. So that is where we are and what we know. And yes I asked the surgeon today if I got the buy three get the fourth surgery free deal and he said no. Oh well, worth a try. We will keep everyone updated as we know more.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breathe.............

Round 2

2010-08-31T10:07:00.004-05:00

Let me just get this out of the way. I am ready for fall. Enough of the heat. And yes I know, in December I will be begging for warm weather. I have tried to water the weeds in the front yard for the last several days to try and green it up a little but I am afraid I am wasting my money!

Well here we are, Round 2. We had hoped that we would at least make the one year mark, which would have been September 24. But we didn't. For those who don't know in July I had surgery for an umbilical hernia. When they got me into the operating room the surgeon, who knows my history, found a lump on my stomach he didn't like and removed it. It was tested and came back clear, but is the kind of lump that turns into melanoma. (And yes I was off work for 6 weeks. I am trying to set a record for days not worked in a year!) A few weeks after my surgery I found a large lump, unlike anything I have had, in my right arm pit, in the area of lymph-nodes. I finally went back to work a week or so ago on a Wednesday evening. On the following Friday I went to see the Oncologist. After examining the lump and the other one she found that I had missed, she told me that I would have to have a PET Scan and to be prepared for the fact the cancer had come back. We got the results back yesterday and they told us that several of the nodes in that area "lit up" on the PET scan and are enlarged. The next steps at this point will be an appointment with the Oncologist today, an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and surgery sometime in the next week. Yes, more surgery. They are going to remove all of the lymph-nodes under my right arm. And off work again. I am going to break that record. I am also going to ask the surgeon if there is some sort of buy three get the forth free surgery, or frequent surgery miles. I gotta get something at this point besides more scars! We don't know, at this point, about any chemo. or radiation. When we went through the first round the doctor's told us that if a recurrence happened in the same area there would be some sort of treatments but it is still too early to know at this point. We are grateful that so far it doesn't appear to have spread any where else. With melanoma, it still could be somewhere else we just don't know it yet. We have learned a lot about melanoma over the last year and each recurrence is very scary because it can spread fast and is so small that even a PET scan won't pick it up for a while.

That is what we know at this point. We are scared to say the least. I think that in the back of our minds we knew this day would come again, we just didn't expect it so fast. I have had numerous lumps and moles removed and tested over the last year and each has been fine, and I think in some ways we just expected them all to turn out that way. I don't care how many times you hear you have cancer, it never gets easier. And having to tell my family and friends isn't much easier either. We are still somewhat in shock and are a little numb at this point. The worst part this time was the waiting to get answers after the doctor's appointment. That feeling of limbo, not knowing, is almost worse for us than knowing that I have cancer. We have talked many times over the last few days that a least if we had answers we can shift gears and get into the fight mode. So that is where we are today. Shifting those gears and putting together a game plan. We most likely will, at some point, head back to MD Anderson in Houston at least for a consultation. I want to always keep that door open and have that tool at our disposal. We will have more answers over the next few days and will post a new blog as soon as we know more. I know that each of you do, but keep us, especially the kids and our families, in your prayers. When we told the kids last night they handled it very well. Later in the evening the each got very emotional with tears and hugs. There is no more helpless feeling in the world. They have been through a lot and it is very frustrating for me to know that they will have to go through even more. Round 2. Time to get the gloves on and fight.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Been a While

2010-07-01T19:31:00.006-05:00

Well, I am good at one thing in life and that is stating the obvious so here goes; it's been a while. I must once again apologize for not doing a better job of keeping everyone updated. I have had several people contact me either through emails, or my parents, or by the phone inquiring about how things are going. Hopefully I will answer those questions. We, like everyone else in the world, have been extremely busy. Rebecca and I were laughing the other day because we couldn't wait for the kids to be out of school for the summer so the schedule would slow down. But quite the opposite has happened. They are, and will continue to be, even busier than they were during school! They are having a good summer though and that is what matters.

On the cancer front. All is clear! I continue to go to my tri-monthly doctor's appointments with the Oncologist, Dermatologist, and regular doctor. If I have never written before about my dermatologist visits I will now. They aren't fun. Since my initial diagnosis and surgery, I have had three different moles removed and tested. All came back fine. And it isn't the four or five shots they give you to numb the area, or the sawing, cutting or burning of the mole that I dislike. What I don't care for is the exam itself. Simply put, it is me, in my birthday suit, with at least three women in the room while the doctor (female doctor) goes over every inch of my body. Uncomfortable for me to say the least. Yes ladies I know it isn't comparable. But I must admit, I am not a small guy and it is just not something I look forward to. I digress. In all seriousness, we are extremely grateful that I am clear so far. And I know that all the exams, tests, blood work and doctor's visits are vital to my health. We are very grateful that we have such tremendous doctor's. I will say that it has been a rough first half of the year otherwise. While not directly dealing with cancer, I have however been dealing with a lot of other health problems. As I stated in my previous blogs I have had very high blood pressure. With medication that seems to be under control. I have adjusted quite nicely to the CPAP (breathing machine at night) and am sleeping very well. I have had pneumonia, along with numerous other small health issues. While those are not large issues in and of themselves, what has been frustrating is I used to never get sick. And as I stated before I am not a great patient. A few weeks ago I notice a "bulge" by my belly button. I had my suspicions and went to the doctor last Tuesday and confirmed that I have a hernia. A umbilical hernia to be exact. I saw a surgeon on Wednesday who told me it needed to be fixed. He also told me that if it filled up with waste could make me septic, or cause an infection, which would lead to bigger problems. So the bottom line is I cannot wait and will have surgery next Friday, July the 9th. It will be out-patient, but will be a fully under, incision in my stomach kind of surgery. What really got me is there is a six week recovery time where I cannot lift or strain that area in anyway. Which is bad for me in my line of work. Not to mention I was hoping that I would be able to spread out my next surgery time to like, oh I don't know, ten years or so! But I guess this is the next adventure that life has laid in front of us.

If anyone has been wondering how I have been doing in reference to some of the things I blogged about before like, patience, perspective, and attitude, let's just say some good, some not so good. It has been easy to allow myself to get caught up in life again. Work, for both Rebecca and I, has been challenging in a lot of ways. But thankfully we are both still employed! There have been other things that have been stressful, but for the most part we continue to stay focused on what is important and that is family and friends. And I have a great wife and family who do a great job of bringing me back to reality at those times I lose my focus. I told my wife on the way home from the surgeon's office that maybe I didn't learn my lesson the first time so I get to spend another six to seven weeks on the couch like a kid in time out! No, just kidding, I think this is just another issue in life. And the most important thing, we are not dealing with cancer. And we thank God for that. I will also have time to do more blogging, and I know you just can't wait. I do want to again say thank you to all of you who have asked how were are doing and for your thoughts and prayers. We simply couldn't have done it without each of you. I will try and post another blog this weekend and let everyone know how the surgery goes.

Remember each day to drink a lot of water, put one foot in front of the other, and don't forget to breath.......

2010-04-01T00:27:00.004-05:00

Finally the sure signs of spring. Warm weather and wind. Wind that foreshadows the coming storms. I love spring time. By far my favorite time of year. I love to sit on the porch, out of the rain of course, and watch the storms lumber through. The thunder, the lighting, and that fresh smell after the rain promising green grass, blooming trees and flowers. And nights slept with the windows open. So much better than cold and snow, especially the older I get. The body is much happier.

Before I get into why I am writing today, let me first give a background. A month or so ago, there was a meningitis out break in a small town called Oologah about eight miles north of Collinsville. (Collinsville is where I work.) Several young children at the elementary school were infected. Three passed away. One was a young girl who actually lived in Collinsville. Several days after she passed away I spoke with her father. Heartbreaking. One 7 year old, Jeremiah , was infected but is still alive. That's the good news for him. The horrible news is he has had to have both his arm's and leg's amputated, and is currently out of state to have his facial reconstruction surgery. This morning several of the local Fraternal Order of Police Lodges came together and put on a fundraiser. The Lodges from Collinsville, Owasso, Tulsa, Broken Arrow, Jenks and Glenpool each set up at different locations in their cities and took donations. I was amazed as we stood in the bank parking lot and watched person after person donate money to his family. Some giving five dollars, some hundreds of dollars, but each giving what they could. It was simply humbling to watch. It gave me a little faith in humanity again. One of the fallout's of being a Police Officer is you become much more pessimistic and extremely sceptical of people. We don't usually see the good side of humanity. At the Collinsville/Owasso location we ended up raising $9700.00, with the combined total of all locations around $40,000.00 Absolutely amazing!

It's been on my mind all day. While we were standing there this morning we talked about how hard it would be to have all your limbs removed. Not to mention the agony the parents must be going through right now. At some point during the day, and for no explainable reason, a conversation I had with an old friend the other day came to mind. We were chatting on the Internet and he said something to the affect of let's have lunch sometime, you have quiet a story to tell. I didn't think much of it at first, and I am not really sure why it stuck in my head, but I think I am starting to understand now. I began to realize that no matter what, life is going to deal us all hard times. Things that, like I stated in my previous blog, are out of our control. Being diagnosed with cancer, losing a job, other illnesses, death, things that happen due to no fault of our own. It got me to thinking about my life. Yes, I have had some rough times. Especially lately. My family and I have been through a lot. But as I pondered my whole life the thing that keep resonating in my mind was most of my hard times in life were due to my poor decision making. It occured to me that there are two types of rough times, those that we have no control over, and those that happen due to poor choices. Most of my "bad" times were created by a poor decisions I had made. I know that most wouldn't find this to be a revelation. Most people figure that out pretty early in life. I guess I knew it as well, I just had never thought about it before.

As I think about it I guess the reason it is on my mind is two-fold. One, make better decisions. Life is going to hand me enough without my adding to it. There is no sense in me adding to my own problems by making bad choices. I have realized over the last few years I have made better decisions. Granted, I still have my moments of brain dead. And some decisions I make, I may have to wait to see if it was the right one or not. Sometimes the only judge of a good or bad decision is time. But I try harder today. The other issue on my mind is pity. There have been times in my life that I have pity partied about situations and circumstance. I now realize, especially when the "bad" time was due to my poor decision, that I have no right to pity party. It's like never brushing my teeth then whining about a tooth ache, or not paying rent then complaining about being homeless. Then, and this is what I was reminded of while raising money that morning, it could always be worse. There are many people out there who have it a lot worse due to no fault of their own. Those children and families did not ask to get sick. They did nothing to deserve it. But it happened. It reminded me how short my memory is. While I was sick, one of our favorite sayings was, it can always be worse. And it can. I guess the main lesson in all of this for me has been, once again, gratitude. How soon I forget. And no matter what happens pity serves me no purpose. It keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me in a place in my mind that blocks out all reason and sanity. It is a poison that effects every area of my life. Bad things are going to happen. We live in a world of sin and imperfection. The key for me will always be, when those times come, how will I handle it. What will I chose? To be as positive as possible and move forward, or stay stuck in pity? Hopefully I will also remember when making decisions not to add to those times!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

Treading Lightly

2010-03-21T02:19:00.007-05:00

One of my favorite movie lines is from the movie Con air. It is about bad convicts who are being transported on an airplane, and while in air, they take over the plane. After taking control, they are playing the song Sweet Home Alabama on a radio. The character played by Steve Buscemi looks at the character played by Nicolas Cage and says, "define irony, a bunch of convicts singing and dancing on a plane by a band that died in a plane crash". I have my own definition of irony. The first day of a long awaited spring, and it's freezing cold and snowing. Gotta love it. Me and my guys got to spend over an hour standing on the highway last night, after people decided to start playing bumper cars on the frozen bridges. Come on warm weather!

I am going to to go in a different direction. They are subjects with which I will tread lightly. Most of you who know me know that I don't get too involved in political banter, try not to rail too much about the going's on in the world, and try to mostly mind my own business in general. But the last few weeks things have happened and are happening in this world that give me pause. The first is Washington. I never cease to be amazed at what they do. I am fully convinced that there is some sort of alien bubble around them that prevents their return to reality. I will keep most of my personal opinions about them, and the health care bill, and the president, to myself. What I will say is as a working, tax paying American, I do not like what I see and hear coming from Washington. We are headed in a bad direction. Then there is the Southern Baptists'. I have mostly lost touch with them and what they do or don't do. But Kenneth Star as the president of Baylor University? Really? I won't even go into that. Then my current favorite is the Tulsa County Sheriff attempting to take control of local Police Departments in an attempt to create a metro department. Make no mistake, it is basically a hostile take over where the municipal officers like me have no say at all. I would love to go into all the details and how I feel about it but that would take an entire book to cover it all. What I will say is that it is simply an attempt by the Mayor of Tulsa and the Sheriff to gain more control and power, and destroy the Fraternal Order of Police in Tulsa County. It will cause good, hard working Police Officers to lose their jobs and their retirement pension for no other reason than power and control by political leaders who are power hungry. The cities we work for are not broke. One of the cities affected has had the best and fastest growing sales tax income in Tulsa County for the last year or more. We as Officer's are very much afraid that we could be unemployed sometime over the next two years, for no other reason than power and money. Period. It is a scary and sobering possibility.

So, I know some of you may be asking, where did this all come from? I came home the other day, after hearing the news about the Sheriff's plans, and after a not so good day at work, and was very scared and angry. My thoughts were two fold. What is it about power that makes people loose touch with reality? The saying power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, keeps running through my head. It seems to me that more and more we seem to be losing the freedoms this country was founded on. I hate to sound like some sort of extremist because I am not, but at some point when do I say enough is enough and become at least more active in saying enough is enough. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. He said something very interesting. He said his wife looked at him and asked him, when was the last time you prayed for our government? It took me back for a moment. I haven't done that in a very long time. I think I will start. I think we all need to. I really will stop before I voice too many of my personal opinions.

The second, and more pertinent thought for me, was control. Another one of my favorite movie lines is from "Day's of Thunder". Nicole Kidman's character tells Tom Cruise's character, "control is an illusion you infantile egomaniac". It always hits me between the eyes. Control. One of the biggest lesson's I have learned in life is just how little control I have. Sure I can control if I go to work or not, or if I wash the car or not, or if I put the trash out. But I cannot ultimately control the weather, what goes on in Washington, or Tulsa County, or cancer. I went through a rough period in life several years ago and one of the biggest lessons that I had to work on was control. I began to understand that I cannot control people. No matter how bad I want to, no matter how hard I try, I cannot control people and what they do or say. I also cannot control life and what goes on. I had to begin to learn how to take care of me and my decisions, and let go of everything else. Don't get me wrong, I am not very good at it. But what I began to learn, and have been reminded of lately, is that control is somewhat of an illusion. And if I spend my time upset, mad, or worrying about things I ultimately cannot control I am waisting my precious time and energy. When you get that "phone all" from the doctor who says "I don't normally do this over the phone but in your case time is of the essence", you have cancer, you learn a lot about control! So I have had to step back, take a deep breath, and do my best to give these things that are going on to God and trust they will work out. Besides if I did have that kind of control I would probably just mess things up even worse. God knows better then me for sure.

On the health front. Not much new. I have had pneumonia for the last couple of weeks and have been at home again on the couch. I hopefully am on the down hill slide now. Unfortunately I think Rebecca has it now! I go to my regular doctor on Monday with some new issues to deal with. I will go to the Oncologist in May for my next check up. Other than that we are very ready for some spring and warmer weather. We are very ready.

Remember everyday, to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath..........

Hello Again

2010-03-14T10:23:00.003-05:00

Wow, it has been a while. In many ways it seems like just yesterday this journey started, and in some ways it seems like years ago. One thing I do know is that I haven't done a very good job keeping everyone updated on how things are going. One problem has been this Blogger site changed it's log in process. For those of you who know me well know that I am computer illiterate and get easily frustrated. I have tried several times to log in but have not been able to. Instead of taking my time and trying to figure it out, or asking for help, I just stop trying! I really don't even know what I did to get logged in this time, but somehow I did. I do apologize for not keeping everyone updated, hopefully I have the log-in issue fixed and will do a better job of updating.

Well, the short version is, everything is clear! I have had three more moles, or bumps, removed and checked, and all came back fine. I had a CT Scan done of my neck and chest area because of a new cough, and it was clear as well. I continue to see three different doctors every three months. The regular trips to the dermatologist have turned out to be very humbling. Keep in mind, as we have stated before in the blog, we are forever grateful for the dermatologist. I truly believe it is because of her actions, and getting us to the surgeon as fast as she did, is a big part of why I am well today. But, and I won't go into explicit detail, but every three months I have a full body scan done to check for any new spots. And when I say full body scan, I mean full body scan. The way the Lord brought me into this world, with three to four women in the room kind of body scan. As Forrest Gump would say, that's all I have to say about that. My arm is healing well. I had my last visit with the surgeon in February and he said it is doing well and will continue to change in color and form over the next year. I did have quite a bit of pain in my arm for the first several months but that too seems to be almost gone. I have no feeling on the graft itself due to the removal of the nerves in that area. I had a new first experience the other day with it. As I was getting ready for work I noticed a small scratch and scab right in the middle of the graft and had no idea how it got there. Reminding me I have to be careful because I can hit it and not even realize that I have done anything to it. I will also have to be very careful with it in the sun. The doctor told me that sunlight can damage the graft if I don't keep it covered or keep sun block on it while I am outside. I told my wife one day that the cancer has seemed to open Pandora's box to a whole slew of other health issues. I am on several new medications for blood pressure and acid reflux. I started having a very hard time sleeping just after the surgery which finally led to me having a sleep study done. The result was I stopped breathing 87 times in an hour. Now I have a CPAP machine that I wear while I sleep. It is taking some getting used to but I am finally able to sleep again which is wonderful.

Speaking of cancer. Two years ago I took part in the Relay for Life event in Owasso. Most of you have probably heard of it. It is a fundraising event for cancer research. Companies and people form teams and ask for donations. Then the teams walk laps for the donations. I have to be honest, the reason I did it two years ago was because Rebecca was on her team from work. And I was there because we were dating and I was there for her. This year, as you can imagine, it means a great deal more to me. We will once again be on the City of Owasso team. I will get to wear the "Survivor" t-shirt and take part in the "Survivor" dinner. And we will walk to raise money. And yes, we may be asking for donation's from many of you. I normally don't like to do that sort of thing. I don't like being pestered by fundraisers and don't like doing it to others, but this is something we feel strongly about. I don't know what it is, but it seems like there are more and more people we know who are being affected by cancer. I know of two people who have lost their battle with cancer just in the last month. One of whom was not much older than me. I will let you know more over the next few weeks.

I did something I haven't done since all this started. I went back on my logs and read them again from the beginning. I know the biggest reason we started this was to keep everyone informed. And yes it was therapeutic for me. But I became even more grateful I did this as I read them. It was such a tremendous reminder for me of the things we have been through. And it also answered some questions for me. One of the biggest is yes, it is easy for me to forget as I put more time between me and the beginning. I really needed that. It has become easy for me to forget some days. I have had more day's than I care to admit that I have gotten caught back up in the things in life that really don't matter. I whine to much about things that don't matter. I have allowed things, people, and situations to rent space in my brain when I shouldn't. I must remember my own words, all that really matters is family and friends. I am going to make an effort to blog again on a regular basis, if for no other reason than to help me stay focused.

Thank you again to each of you for all of you love, support and prayers. May God bless each of you the way he has us.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath......

Future Posts

2009-12-30T10:48:00.003-06:00

It is another cold, winter day here in Oklahoma. We had more snow last night but thankfully most of it seems to be melting away on the roads. It's funny, I asked several of the old timers in Collinsville what the almanac said about what kind of winter we were going to have and most of them said cold and dry. Oh well at least they got the cold part right.

A wonderful thing took place last night. My sister, brother, and I converged on our parents house with families in tow. It was the first time we have all been together under the same roof. It was so great to be there as a family, even if it was only for a short time. For those of you who may not know my brother and his wife live in Phoenix and my sister and her family live in Manhattan (Kansas). So it is difficult for all of us to be together. I told my mom at one point it hadn't been that loud in their house in a long time and it was great to hear.

One of the many things that I have learned over the last several months, and have expressed often, is that family is one of the most important things in my life. During my time stuck on the couch at home, I realized that I could never again allow things to get in the way of my relationship with my family. Too many times I see families who allow politics, religion, friends, opinions, different ways of raising children, different choices, and other laundry list of things, come between them. Sometimes to the point of not seeing or speaking to one another. I don't understand. I decided that no matter what, I will not allow that to happen with me and my family. Now, don't get me wrong, I will not change who I am or what I believe when I am with my family. There has been a rule with our family for quite a while now and it is simply, when we are together we will not discuss politics, religion or raising children. Period. Call it what you want, respecting each others beliefs or agreeing to disagree, but that's what we do and it works. We know we don't all agree. Some of us are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. We have different likes and dislikes. Our parents raised us to be our own people and it worked. The bottom line for me is we need our families. I need my family. When I got sick my family was there for me without question. All of those other issues, that just don't matter, were gone and we were left to focus on us. In the end all of those other things don't matter a bit. Family matters, we matter.

To my family; thank you for all that you have done for me through this time. I shutter to think what this would have been like without you. I don't think I could have done it. Each of you have been there for me, unconditionally, with love, prayer and support. This has brought us even closer together and I thank God everyday for that. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Thank You!

Well on the cancer front, the roller coaster has started again. We go to the Oncologist next week for our next check-up. I don't know what kind of testing they will do but I told my wife and mom last night that I am getting nervous again. It's those same old feelings again. I guess it is normal. And I am sure that it will happen every time. I just wasn't ready for it. But it will be like this every three months from now on. Hopefully it will get better. I have also decided that I will write something once a week and try and have it posted each Friday. I will also post as soon as we know what testing will be done and what the results are.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Scars

2009-12-25T04:30:00.003-06:00

Okay for those of you who prayed for a white Christmas in Oklahoma, it worked. I just finished a 12 hour shift, on Christmas Eve, in about 8 inches of snow. And yes the crazies were out. We didn't want to take anyone to jail on Christmas Eve, or in this weather, but she left us no choice. I never cease to be amazed at human beings and the things they do. One of these day's I am going to write a book. I wish I could tell you about it but I can't. You may not believe me anyway. I am still amazed!

A thought come to me today. My wife Rebecca, our kids and I, had my Mom, Dad and Cousin Tom over today for Christmas. It occurred to me before they got here this morning that this would be the first time I have ever had my parents in my house for Christmas. That, combined with the fact that I am still alive and not sick in a hospital, made today the best Christmas I have ever had. We did the gift thing, yes the kids got spoiled which is a whole other story, then cooked a big breakfast, ate, sat by the fire, and spent time together. I just cannot express how much it meant to me. As you can expect, at some point in the conversation, my cancer came up. Mom and Dad hadn't seen my arm in a while where they did the surgery. They were commenting on how good it looks, and how well it is healing. I then made the statement that I have made many times over the last month, "I am so grateful to be alive and well, and not in a hospital or sick in bed". And I mean it. I am. I never expected, when we heard those words, to be back at work, in the cold and snow, by Christmas. As I said those words I had the same thought I have every time I say it. I hope I don't ever forget. Then it hit me, the scar. I have a huge void on my right forearm where the skin graft is that is just hard to explain. The skin is a different color, there is the void that will always be there and the color is different. People who see it and don't know me ask me what happened. I tell them. The very next thought was the scars on Jesus, you will know him by his scars. If it is you, can I feel the scars on you hands. When I finally went back to work and was able to uncover my arm, my wife and I talked about how it looks, and how people would react to it. It has never been anything that embarrassed me. On the contrary, I have been proud of it. But only now realizing why I am proud of it. And what I realized today was my gratitude is permanently on my right arm, if I allow it.

What is it about scars? Most of us try to hide them. Especially if we feel they are ugly or are in a place that aren't easily hidden. We try to cover them with make-up, clothes, surgeries, whatever the case may be. Some of our scars aren't so easy to see. Some of them are emotional. Some of them we don't want to talk about. Some of them, maybe we have never told anyone. Maybe we think others won't think them a big deal or won't understand. Some of them maybe we don't need to talk about to everyone. But we all have scars no matter their source or whether they are physical or emotional. I think we all have some of both. Not all to the same extreme, but they are there. As I thought about all of this I reflected on the process of a scar. Something bad happened in the beginning. Some sort of damage was done that caused us pain, either physical or emotional damage. Then there was the process of healing. If it was physical, there may have been bandaid's, stitches, medicine, any number of options. If it was emotional, there may have been counseling, talking to someone, support groups, religion, the list goes on. Then, and I suppose this is where I am, there is reflection. Reflection on the lessons learned. As I look back on my life I realize that for many of those scars I wasn't even in a place, initially, to see the lesson's learned. I understand that today I am in a better place to to see them for there lesson's and not there ugliness. What I did realize, on a very simple level, is that I have a great reminder every single day of the gift I have been given. And it comes in the form of something most look at as ugly, or at least hard to look at. To me it is the most beautiful thing in the world. I am proud of my scar. I am slowly learning that if I look not at the ugliness of the scar itself, but look at the beauty of the lesson's the scar taught me, I might just do a little growing. Maybe, just maybe, I won't forget. I know that as the day's pass, and I put distance between me and September 2009, it will get easier and easier to forget if I allow it. That's what I do. I let life get in the way, just like tonight when I was complaining about the weather and having to work in it.

So, I have changed my prayer. Now I pray that everyday I will meet a stranger who will ask me, "What happened to you arm?" Another thing to add to my gratitude list, scars.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to pray................

2009-11-30T00:45:00.008-06:00

Two events occurred in my life Sunday evening that were the kind of events that cause a lot of questions. One was the feel good kind. The kind that makes you sit still and realize that there are people in this world who have God given talents that change the world. The other event was the kind of event that makes you realize there are people in this world who are just the opposite. They have something, I wouldn't call gifts, that do something that changes the world and makes you sit still and realize that there is truly evil in this world. What a conundrum. I, of all people know there are some really sick people in this world. But I guess after having been through all we have over the last several months, I have become more acutely aware of both the bad and good things that go on in this world.

The first was the good one. It was the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 25th anniversary concert. I know what some of you Baptist's are thinking, rock and roll. I know, but the thing was I listened to some of the best musical artist's in the world. U2, Bruce Springsteen, Crosby Stills and Nash, James Taylor, Stevie Wonder. It was amazing. And during the middle of Simon and Garfunkel, my wife brought up the point that music just isn't what it used to be. What followed was a conversation about how music today just has no substance or meaning. What has happened? I know that during their time young men were being drafted and sent to a war that was killing them in record numbers. They wrote songs that had substance and meaning. Agree or not, they wrote about things going on in the world. And the music itself, no comparison to today's music. They had to be able to sing and play music. They did not have all the computers to "clean up" their voices, nothing to help their albums sound better. They could do it all, write it, play it, sing it. Today, most musicians sound terrible in person. It's all about the looks, the shows, the money. And I would venture to say that most of today's rock stars wouldn't have the first clue how to write a song or play an instrument. Thank goodness there are still a few around who can do those things. Music is important to me. I am not sure how to put my finger on it, but music is nourishment, peace, and many other things. I may not always be in the mood for the same kind of music, but I can always count on finding the music I want, when I want it. It helps me cry when I need to cry, laugh when I need to laugh, be still when I need to be still, and sing when I want to sing. Probably why it was said, "Make a joyful noise to the Lord".

The second event was the horrific tragedy in the state of Washington. I am sure all of you have heard by now that four Police Officers were murdered in coffee shop on Sunday morning. Three men and one woman gave the ultimate sacrifice. This event really hit home with me. Most of them were around my age. They were fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, and brothers and sisters to all of us in law enforcement. We are a very, very tight knit group. We take care of one another. Never have I seen that more than in our life over the last several months. I won't go into great detail now, I will save it for another blog, but the men and women of the Owasso and Collinsville Police Departments have been incredible. Even my mom has said several times she cannot believe how tight we are and how we take care of each other. I am now going to get on my proverbial soap box. I think sometimes it is forgotten what Police Officers do on a daily basis. I understand that it is easy to do. I know as Police Officers, we are looked upon as ticket writers, men and women who are a necessary evil. I get it. I, like everyone else, still get that sinking feeling when you look in your rear view mirror and see the cop car behind you. And I do it for a living! Ours is a thankless job. Not a thinkless, a thankless job. When we are called it is usually when people are not at their best. We are called when grown ups cannot solve their own problems. We are marriage counselors, babysitters, mediators, and report takers. We are usually the ones who tell families they have lost a loved one. We respond to and investigate domestic violence, child abuse, shootings, homicides, sex crimes, and barking dogs. We deal with drug users who cannot take care of their own kids. I am part of the Tulsa County District Attorney's Task Force on crimes against children. You can only imagine what we deal with. We see and deal with things most people couldn't deal with. I still have nightmares from time to time about some of the things I have seen. Ever been at the grocery store with your wife and have a person, who you arrested two nights before, follow you around while you are shopping? Ever had someone you have arrested knock on you front door? I have, both. Ever had someone tell you when they get out of prison they are going to find you and kill you? Yep several times. And then there are those who will be the first to file a complaint on us for driving to fast to a call, but then will complain on us when they call and we don't get there fast enough. They want us to arrest someone else for something we can't arrest them for, but when they or a family member do something we have to arrest them for, they fight us. And finally, we as Officers, know every time we put on our uniform and go to work, it could be the last time we see our families. Part of our oath of office is we will lay down our life to protect our citizens. And if need be, we will, with honor. And we do it all with very little pay. Most of us have to work part-time jobs just to get by. My families hearts and prayers go out to the family, friends and co-workers of the fallen Officers. The ultimate sacrifice. I cannot imagine the pain they are feeling right now. I will get off my soap box now. I have spoken my peace, if you will. If you see a Police Officer today, thank them for what they do, buy them a cup of coffee, let them know you appreciate what they do. The last two months has renewed my desire to be a cop. I want to go back and be the best I can. It's one of those core changes I hope I don't ever loose again.

Paul Harvey said it well:

The Policeman

What is a Policeman? By Paul Harvey

A policeman is a composite of what all men are I guess, a mingling of saint and sinner, dust and diety. Culled statistics wave the banners over stinkers, underscore instances of dishonesty and brutality because they are news. What that really means is that they are exceptional, they are unusual, they are not commonplace. Buried under the froth are the facts and the fact is less than one-half of one percent misfit that uniform and that is a better percentage than what you'd find among clergymen. What is a policeman? He of all men is at once the most needed and the most wanted; a strangely nameless creature who is "Sir" to his face, "pig" or worse behind his back. He must be such a diplomat that he can settle differences among individuals so that each will think he won. If a policeman is neat, he's conceited. If he's careless, he's a bum. If he's pleasant, he's a flirt. If he's not, he's a grouch. He must make instant decisions that would require months for a lawyer. But if he hurries, he's careless -if he's deliberate, he's lazy. He must be first to an accident and infallible with a diagnosis. He must be able to start breathing, stop bleeding, tie splints and, above all, be sure the victim goes home without a limp. Or, he must expect to be sued. The police officer must know every gun, draw on the run and hit where it doesn't hurt. He must be able to whip two men twice his size and half his age without soiling his uniform and without being "brutal". If you hit him, he's a coward - if he hits you, he's a bully. A policeman must know everything and not tell. He must know where all the sin is and not partake. The policeman must, from a single human hair, be able to describe the crime, the weapon, the criminal, and tell you where the criminal is hiding. But if he catches the criminal, he's lucky; if he doesn't, he's a dunce.If he gets promoted, he has political pull. If he doesn't, he's a dullard. The policeman must chase bum leads to dead ends, stakeout 10 nights to tag one witness who saw it happen but refuses to remember. He runs files and writes reports until his eyes ache to build a case against some felon who'd get dealt out by a shameless shamus or an honorable who isn't honorable. The policeman must be a minister, a social worker, a diplomat, a tough guy, and, of course, a genius, for he has to feed a family on a policeman's salary.

(Paul Harvey's own father was a policeman, who was killed by a bootlegger on Christmas Eve when Paul was a little boy.)

2009-11-25T09:07:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't written in a while, and now I have "blogged" twice in the last two days. It seems the main theme of our lives here lately has been a day or two of big news, then hurry up and wait. With not much happening in the mean time. To let you know, there is also a new post just previous to this one, so there are actually two new ones. To begin, Rebecca and I went to my appointment with the surgeon yesterday. Going in, I had prepared myself to hear that my arm would require me to be off work for the next several weeks. I did not want to get my hopes up, and we had shifted gears and begin preparing ourselves for that. However, he told us the graft is now fully taken and the skin is strong, and that not only can I begin using my hand and arm again, but I will be able to go back to full duty next week! We are so grateful! I am really looking forward to going back to work. I still have to put ointment on it and keep it wrapped for the next two weeks. Then I will be able to expose it, only having to massage it each night, for a while, with Vitamin E Oil. He doesn't want to see me again until February. What a miracle!

I have been truly humbled yesterday and today. When Rebecca, Mom and I met with the surgeon that first day in his office, I never thought that only two months later I would be going back to work. I fully expected to be undergoing some kind of treatments, sick, and either in bed at home or the hospital. I saw on the news earlier this week the Rev. Billy Joe Daugherty had passed away. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma around the same time I was diagnosed. (For those of you not from around here, he is the pastor of a very large church in Tulsa called Victory. They have a school and Bible College as well.) Since they are somewhat associated with Oral Roberts University, I have met him a couple of times. He passed away while at MD Anderson Hospital in Houston. He had been battling an infection due to the chemo depleting his immune system. His was a cancer, statistically, that is much more treatable than mine. The long term survivability rates of mine are much more dim. My heart and prayers go out to him and his family and friends. But it caused me to realize that you just never know. By all rights I should have cancer somewhere else. Why am I healed and he is not? Why has my extreme, bad case, turned out to be such a miracle and his didn't. Who knows. It will be a question I ask my creator some day. What I do know is that illness and death are no respecter of persons or situations. And truly, bad things happen to good people. The results of free will and living in a world of sin. Mine is a miracle that is the result of love, prayers and support. Many times over the last several days I have gotten emotional just thinking about what a miracle this has been, and how blessed we are to have such great family, friends, and workplaces. I wish I could thank each of you face to face. But no matter what we do or say, we can never repay what we have been given, nor are there sufficient words in the English language to express or gratitude to all of you for the love, prayers, and support.

I wrote about mothers on my previous blog. I wrote about my mother and how our relationship has grown. I feel the same about my father. He has been there for me everyday, step by step. And I cannot thank him enough. I cannot imagine having gone through this without him. He has been here for us in every way imaginable. One of the biggest for me has been being able to pick up the phone and call my dad on those days where my head wasn't in a good place. Just talking to him, even if not about the cancer, always helps me get back to the right frame of mind. My parents have taught me so much about unconditional love and support, and continue to help me learn how to be a better parent. I wish I could express to you how much this experience has changed my family but I just cannot. I try and remember every day not to take for granted that we will always be here, and that life can change that at any moment. Again, what a great time to learn how to be truly grateful for my family. One of the other lesson's that my parents have taught me is that gratitude needs to be an everyday, vital part of my life.

It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday dealings and problems in life. It is easy to allow those things to get me down and frustrated. We have had our share of those things of late. Anna's tooth incident started this week off. After they got home from the dentist Sunday, Rebecca and I were sitting on the back porch and she told me that the dentist asked her at one point if we still have a certain dental insurance. She replied yes to which the dentist answered, "I wish you didn't". I told Rebecca, that is code for get ready for a huge bill. We will probably be paying of medical bills for years to come. Then Monday Rebecca lost her debit card. We had to cancel it. I picked up her paycheck from work this morning thinking we would be able to deposit it today, but no, the city post-dated it for Friday. It's always something. Gratitude. During these times it always helps me to take an inventory of myself and all the things I am grateful for. Amazing how well it works for me. And today, I am thankful to be alive, thankful for my wife, kids, and all my family and friends. Thankful that in this economy I have a good job. I am thankful I have a car to drive, clothes to wear, a warm house to live in. I am thankful that I live in a free country. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital or going through chemo. You know what is funny, today I am most grateful that I am again typing with two hands! Wow what I take for granted in life. Taking things for granted. Okay, I will save that for another day. This post is getting long I know.

Well I will stop now. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We love each and everyone of you. My prayer is that all of you will have the best Thanksgiving ever. And that we all focus on what is important in life, and that's each other. May God bless you the way he has blessed us.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water and don't forget to breath.........

2009-11-23T21:31:00.005-06:00

It was a beautiful fall evening. There was a slight breeze blowing, wafting just the faintest hint of a fireplace from some where unknown. The air was clear, and the sky full of birds going who knows where. I had the grill on, with beautiful chickens, who gave their lives for the best cause, slowly basting. The ribs marinating, waiting to be cooked and devoured. The fire pit was prepared anxiously waiting to warm us up and help us relax. The kids were in the front yard playing. I could hear their giggles and laughter when the breeze would relent. I reluctantly went inside to change my clothes. As I finished I went to the living room and was speaking to my wonderful wife. Suddenly the door opened and we heard the muffled cry of Brianna. I have a rule with the kids, if your not bleeding, you better not be crying. (Only kidding, geeze, get off my back!) As I turned the corner and just began to give my famous saying, I saw her. A bloody paper towel held in her mouth. Blood dripping down her chin and on her shirt. Tears meandering down each check. I froze in my tracks! I shifted into that Type A, cop, I am trained for anything, I will fix anything, hands confidently on my hips with my chest puffed out frame of mind and boldly said, "what happened?" Its like superman had arrived! I began preparing to spring into action to render first aid for any cut, scrape bump or broken bone. Ready to bound to the car and drive to the emergency room. Brianna answered in a paper towel muffled voice, "I knocked out my tooth". At the same time presenting her right hand which contained her tooth, root and all! I bravely turned, looked into her mother's eyes and said, "holy cow she knocked out her entire tooth". I then boldly walked back to the bedroom, thanking God that Rebecca was here and it didn't happen on Mr. Mom's watch!

True story. And it happened Sunday afternoon. You know, I won't go into great detail, but I have seen a lot. Murders, suicides, car crashes, drownings, all kinds of carnage. Doesn't bother me a bit. I will go on one of those calls, then go right to eat. No problem. But there is just something about the teeth and mouth that gets me. I am going to admit something I probably shouldn't. I haven't been to a dentist in over fifteen years. They are mean, pain inflicting, people, who I am fully convinced do it on purpose. I have known several of them over the years who I really like as people, but something happens when they put on the coat. Okay, okay, I know it's not true. And there is one who I am especially grateful for now, even though it didn't start that way. Rebecca, being the great mother she is calmly stood up, took the tooth and put it in a glass of cold milk. She then called the dentist for help. The dentist then told her we should put the tooth back in place. WHAT? PUT IT BACK? I don't even want to look at it. Why on God's green earth would I even begin to know how to put it back. See, dentist's! Rebecca didn't feel comfortable with that idea either. So the now wonderful, awesome, best dentist in the world, met them at her office to fix the tooth. The dentist put the tooth back in place and after a failed attempt to take a mold and make a retainer, put four braces across her front teeth to hold it in place. She will go back in two weeks to have it checked and will possibly have to have a root canal. Anna, (what I call her) has been a trooper. She is a tough little girl. We don't really know all the details of what happened. She was roller blading in the driveway with a metal curtain rod in her hand. Somehow she fell forward and hit the rod. The first thing she wanted to know when she got home was if her brother's had thrown away the rod! She wanted it gone.

But what really got to me, and the reason for this post, is what I observed. It is Thanksgiving time, a time to be grateful. What I watched take place between Brianna and Rebecca was the amazing mystery of the child and parent relationship. Especially the mother and child. Mother's, I would argue, are one of God's greatest creation's. It reminded me of my mother. Rebecca stayed calm. Never got excited. Which in turn kept Anna calm, and yes me too. I would watch them as Anna would hug her and there was something indescribable about it. That mother child connection that is a gift from God. As I thought about it while they were gone, I thought about what I have been through the last several months and how much my mother and father have meant to me. Those long conversations I have had with my mom that are different than ever before. Something about facing my own mortality forces me to focus on the things that are important, and draws me closer to people. I have always been close to my mom. But this has stripped away any last issues I may have had with my family, and drawn us closer than ever. My mom has always been there for me no matter what. But things are different now, better, better than I could have ever imagined. It's a mom thing. Those hugs, the love, the words of wisdom and support, indescribable. It's what I think is God's best example of his love for us. Unconditional, supportive, calming love. God figured out a way to give us the best earthly example, even though his is much greater, of the kind of love he has for us. What an incredible lesson in love. It is another great lesson that I am learning through this tough time. Thank you to all of my family for your love and support. I can't do it without out you.

Mom, thank you. You are the best. I Love You!

I had a brain scan done last week. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't a good experience. I don't know who was more happy to see me leave, me or the radiology tech. It wasn't pretty. But, the scan can back clear. Another amen. I go to the surgeon tomorrow and I am hoping to be released to go back to work. I am not holding my breath, just hoping. I don't think my arm is ready yet. I will post tomorrow night and let everyone know what happens. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.........

2009-11-07T00:11:00.009-06:00

Thought you all might like a few picks of my beautiful bride. I know most of you are asking yourselves, how did I pull that off! Please don't ask too much, it might ruin it. I have no idea how I convinced her. She is the best. And wow is she gorgeous!

I am going to go in a little different direction with this posting. I read a blog the other day where a man, a minister, wrote about the importance of being pruned. I understand pruning. One of the many hats I wore before finding my way in life was landscaping. Some of you may have fountain grass or monkey grass in your gardens. Both of them should be pruned in the fall. They should be cut back, almost to ground level, and then in the spring and summer they will grow back and be fuller and taller. If you want a tree to grow tall, healthy, and give good shade then the branches toward the bottom of the tree need to be cut off and encourage the growth to be higher up the tree. Also, any dead or damaged limbs need to be removed. Pruning. Pruning is a good thing no matter the application. It removes the old and encourages growth and health in its recipient. (Funny, the English language. Prune, the fruit and juice, disgusting. Prune to get rid of the old and encourage the new, good!) The author of the blog, like me, has cancer. If I understand him right he refers to each of these experiences as God's way of pruning. Getting rid of the old ideas and issues and bringing us to a place in life that is basic. Bring us to a place where we start to realize what is important in life. I know what is happening to me is pruning. Sitting around the house not being able to work, having only one hand each day, being told you have cancer, these are the power tools of human pruning!

But as I have pondered this question of pruning I have asked myself is it really God doing this. I can honestly tell you that not once have I asked why me. As my friend Chad said, why not me. I have talked to many of you since all this started and some of you, who know me well, have said when you do something you do it right! A truer statement was never spoken. I don't know whether or not plants can feel. I have my doubts. But I can tell you pruning doesn't feel too good for me. Being told I have cancer, not being able to work, all the pruning happening to me right now doesn't always feel good. I wish I could sit here and tell you everyday has been great, and I rejoice everyday for this gift, but I can't. Some days are just not good. Some days I just want to scream. Some days are great. Some days I think, ok I got it, I understand. And as I sit here I still ask myself is this the direct hand of God, or is this just life? Did God do this, is he just allowing it to happen, or is it just life? I don't believe God "did" this to me. Did he allow it? I really don't know. I don't presume to know what God is thinking. But the question I keep asking myself is, how many pruning opportunities have I missed in the past? See, when they are big events, like cancer, I get it. But I look back and realize how many smaller opportunities I have missed. Driving in traffic, situations at work, people, the list is long. Let me give you an example. Before getting married, I lived alone for several years. I am a very clean and neat person when it comes to my house, almost obsessive. It's easy to keep things clean when you live alone. Marrying my beautiful wife meant moving into a house with four other people. Three of whom are kids. Let the pruning begin! Don't get me wrong, I still keep the house clean, but I have had to learn to not worry so much if things aren't just the way I like them. It's okay if the bed didn't get made. It's okay if shoes aren't put up or there's a few dirty dishes. Honestly it doesn't stay that way for long, but the pruning comes in not getting upset about it. Learning to put things in perspective by what is really important. It's a process, and I work on it daily. But hopefully I will be much more aware of these opprotunity in the future, no matter the size.

Well on the cancer front, we spoke with the doctor's office today and the latest tumor is clear. No cancer. Thank God! Also, after much prayer, talking and reasearch, we have chosen not to do the treatments. We simply feel the risks far out way the reward. I have talked enough about the side effects, but simply put we don't want to risk any long term damage to my mind or body. So, time to get back to life. Hopefully I will go back to work next week and be on light duty. We went grocery shopping today. I need to get back to work, and get a second job!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

2009-11-04T19:30:00.003-06:00

Three kids and me. Five grilled pork chops, one whole fryer chicken grilled, one container of rice and one bag of salad. Dinner time. After dinner, zero pork chops, one half of fryer chicken, one half container of rice and an empty bag of salad. $25.00. Friday payday, priceless, at least for a few days! Man they just never stop eating! Anybody got a mini-van they want to donate? Why you ask? Ever seen the movie Mr. Mom? I am the epitome of Mr. Mom, but now days they are called soccer moms, thus the need for the mini van! And all still one handed. The only thing I am not very good at one handed is folding clothes, but come to think of it I am not good at that two handed.

Well I know it has been a while since I have written. Playing soccer mom has kept me busy! There also hasn't been any news to write about, at least until this week. I have had four doctor's appointments this week. The first was my primary care, the theme of which was my weight and blood pressure. And then he talked some about my blood pressure then my weight. Then we talked some about my weight and my blood pressure. You get the drift. Then off to the Oncologist. I was hoping to find someone with wings, a wand and some pixey dust to sprinkle on us to give us that magical answer we've been looking for. Wait for it......NOPE, just a human like the rest of us. (I must say she was great. Rebecca and I both really liked her a lot.) We talked to her for quite a while. She repeated basically everything we have learned already. No magic dust. She told us that the interferon has a history of very tough side effects, both physical and mental, and that she has never had a patient complete the full round of treatments. At one point she summed up how I feel right now. Keep in mind I will paraphrase, but basically what she said was it's gotta be tough deciding whether to do the treatments and possibly be sick for a year, with not much hope for a good result, or choose not to and just wait for the other shoe to fall. That's how we feel everyday. As I have stated before the best the interferon can promise is maybe a 10% reduction in the recurrence rate and maybe push back the recurrence time by a year. It does nothing to improve the survivability rate. So again with the dilemma. We have not made a decision yet. For me it will be a quality of life issue. The real struggle for both of us is if we choose not to are we going to feel like we are doing everything we can. Or will we feel guilty that we aren't. I have searched for answers in life before and never felt like I got them, not until the decision was made and I was able to look back and see if my decision was the right one. This is one of those that scares me to think time will be the answer. But then again I could be hit by a bus before then! I said in an earlier blog how my wise mother told me welcome to your new life. Well to give you a glimpse I went to the dermatologist's office this morning. One of the things I will have to do is go to the dermatologist every three months, along with the Oncologist. I had my first full body scan this morning. The doctor found a small lump under the skin on my right shoulder, with a mole on the top of the skin next to it. She then numbed my shoulder, cut the tumor out, then stitched the incision. Then told me she was not too concerned but it needed to be sent to the lab to be tested. Great, more waiting to hear test results. But that is what my life will be from now on. Oh and I almost forgot. I went to the surgeon's yesterday for a follow up. The skin graft is looking good. I don't have to wear my sling anymore but I do have to keep it wrapped. I still cannot use my hand and will not be fully released to work for at least three more weeks. So here we are. I have never felt so at a loss. I am afraid to do the treatments. But I am afraid not to. I am scared to let my family down. I am scared to put my family through me being sick and depressed for a year. I am scared of losing my job or my income. Or do we wait. I just don't know.

What I do know is this, each time we face a new obstacle, my resolve to become a better person is challenged. As I have said all along, my perspective on life and what is important is changing. One of those areas is work. I love being a cop. I hope to have a long and enjoyable career. But what I have realized is pre-cancer being a cop was who I was, not what I did. It should be what I do, not who I am. I also can look back and realize that I would too quickly get caught up in the gossip and the small petty things that just don't matter. I would allow what others would do or say to affect me to the point of losing sleep. I made it more important than I should have. Don't get me wrong, some of it you can't help but bring home. Ours is a tough job. The things we see, hear and have to deal with. You have to be a special person to do what we do and keep your sanity. The world is not a pretty place. But if I can change my perspective on work, and keep it in it's place, I will actually be a better cop. Keeping my focus on why I became a cop, to make a difference.

I have been asking myself a question a lot lately, if it all ends tomorrow, did I leave this place better than I found it? Have I done and been the best I could? Right now, today, no I haven't. So my new goal is each day when I lay down to sleep, can I do so with a clear conscience that I did the best I could and somehow made a difference, even if only a small one. Tough challenge for me.

Keep us in your prayers. Hopefully we will find out next week if the new tumor is cancerous. Again with the waiting! I also found out this week I only have ten hours of sick time left, but have to be out for three more weeks. Because of my generous boss, or the "the boss" as I like to call her, and some light duty, I think we have it covered. But if anything should change in the near future, life could get even more interesting. We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath....

2009-10-27T09:32:00.003-05:00

This is a beautiful October Glory Maple tree in our front yard. Being home most days I have had the joy of watching it make its fall transformation. Last evening I walked outside to see the most amazing sunset. The picture does not do justice to what I was able to stand there and soak in. God's amazing glory and the gift of slowing down life to enjoy these pleasures I would normally ignore, gifts that have come in spite of the way they got here. Funny that I am making my own transformations during the time the earth is making hers. I know how I feel about hers, it's mine I am not so sure about some days. Some days I just don't know how to feel. I stood in awe looking at that sunset and was reminded how much bigger all of this is than me. I only hope that no matter what happens, I will never forget to "stop and smell the roses".

We need a new kind of prayer. As I have said the battle we face is both scary and unsure. The one thing I am learning about this melanoma is even the best doctors in the world just don't know much about it. They know even less about how to treat it. I have been doing a lot of reading about interferon, the treatment that has been suggested, and the more I learn about it the less excited I am about doing it. As I said in a previous blog, it is not designed to kill cancer but rather to boost my immune system which they think helps fight any cancer cells that may return in the future. Statistically it is supposed to reduce the recurrence rate from 85% to 70%, and possibly push back the time frame of the recurrence. It won't stop it, or even prevent it. It is a controversial topic in the medical community. My doctors here are suggesting I not do it. The doctors at MD Anderson and another well respected cancer hospital are saying I should. Now if I only had one of those magic eight balls! The problem for me is the side effects can be brutal. I have read many stories where long term mental and physical effects were too much. Some of them, that I won't go into, were at best extreme. There are also those who go through it without any problems, even returning to a normal life during the treatments. All without any guarantee that it will even be effective. One full year of almost daily injections, possible bad side effects, and not a single promise that it will do even the slightest bit of good. Or it may help. For me, the definition of dilemma. Thus the request for a new kind of prayer. Pray for us to have wisdom in making this decision. Pray we will find the guidance that we need. Pray that if we choose to do it that the side effects will be minimal. Pray that Landry Jones will win games for OU. Wait sorry wrong prayer! Seriously I really just don't know what to do. I don't like not having an answer. We are going to meet with more doctors over the coming days and will make a decision soon. As soon as we know we will let all of you know. Please keep praying.

In the mean time I am going to try and keep things slow, and continue to to enjoy all the changes going on in and around me. When I go slower I can smell the roses without cutting my nose on the thorns!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

2009-10-24T06:41:00.003-05:00

Well it is Saturday morning, the day we go home. Rebecca and I talked a lot yesterday and we've tried to remind ourselves that it could always be worse and that a lot of good things have happened. I told her at one point that I am grateful we came to Houston in October, not July or August. I have been here during those months and the humidity is unreal! I am also grateful we had the opportunity to go to a place like MD Anderson. Just that alone is tremendous. There is so much that we are thankful for right now!

I want to say a few things about my post yesterday. I do not want anyone to think we are giving up, or are not going to fight! We are going to fight this with every ounce of being that we have! This is not going to get me anytime soon! (I am not done annoying my wife and mother yet, way too much fun.) We simply feel like we always need to be open and honest about what the doctors tell us and what is going on each day. We also, as a couple, feel like it is important for us to face reality. We aren't going to be morbid or obsess over it, but we also can't bury our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist either. We feel there is a healthy balance. I told Rebecca yesterday that the long term prognosis, although bad, will be a great motivator for me to do the things I will need to do like the treatments and changing my eating habits. And a lot of you know me, I like to be "shot straight", tell me like it is and we will deal with it. Some body said "I wouldn't have had the nerve to ask the doctor what you did", well I didn't have the nerve not to! The fact that at this point there is no cancer to be found is a miracle! I know I have said it and it is true! We are very grateful for that. A lot of people we have talked to have asked what the significance of that is for us now. The best way I can describe it is war. What we did was win a battle, just not the war. But, how do you win the war? Win the battles! Andy 1, cancer 0. I still tell it everyday, you ain't gonna beat me. (I just thought of two or three more analogies I could have used in place of war so here goes. No just kidding I won't bore you but I do have a good boxing one!) My wife and I talked a lot yesterday about how this is going to change our lives on a daily basis, but how not to let it control us. We will hopefully find a healthy balance. I want to make one thing clear that I didn't yesterday. Rebecca asked the doctor if we stay on top of this and catch any recurrences early, can I still have a good thirty or forty years? He said yes, more than likely. There is our focus. Rebecca made a great point yesterday, who knows maybe over the next several years they will find a cure. Amen to that. But the bottom line is the only reason we are here today, and the reason why they can't find anymore cancer now is because of God and all your prayers! THANK YOU! I just cannot say it enough. We could not do this without you guys and your prayers and support. Your messages, phone calls, cards, and words of encouragement give us so much strength. So, to use a term from my generation, game on! We will start making doctor's appointments this week and get busy living, We will let everyone know when the treatments will start.

As I finish this we are home. It is good to be home. We are both sick now which is just great. We have had a long day are are ready to watch some football and go to bed! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...........

2009-10-22T18:50:00.004-05:00

Okay, here goes. We had our appointment at MD Anderson today. We got there around 9:00 a.m. I registered, was sent for blood work, then got back to a room. We had to fill out a medical history questionnaire before we got there. The nurse, physician's assistant, and the doctor all asked me the same questions we answered on the questionnaire! Then the physician's assistant examined me, left, then the doctor came in and did the same exam. Wow. Finally we were able to sit and visit with him. He was very professional, straightforward, and he answered all of our questions. What follows is the gist of our conversation.

As I have stated I have a Clarks Level 4 melanoma that was large, was ulcerated, and vascular. (Meaning into the veins.) Again, the miracle is that we still cannot find anymore cancer. But I had the things that you don't want to find in melanoma. As we spoke with the doctor he told us right off the bat that the recurrence rate for this type of cancer is 80%-85% within four years. The historical peak of recurrence is about 18 months. He told us that with melanoma, the cells are initially so microscopic they they may be missed by tests for a while. Meaning it still could have spread and we just can't find it yet. I will have to visit an Oncologist every three months for the rest of my life. He also told us the recurrence is usually in the same area. (meaning as a melanoma, not after the spreading) The treatment would then be surgery along with heavy localized chemo. and radiation. He then explained to us that anytime this type of cancer got into my liver, brain, or bones, that the chances of treating it would be slim. With treatments I would live about a year, without treatments about 5-6 months. I then asked him the question that's been in the back of my mind all along. I asked him if this would eventually kill me? His response, "yes it probably will". The survival rate of this kind of cancer, historically, is 20%-25%. We then discussed the options. Now, keep in mind, any treatments we do are not designed to kill cancer, only to prolong the recurrence. He suggested the drug interferon. It hopefully will lower the recurrence rate to 70% and push the time back a few years. It will be a full year of injections. The possible side effects are depression, fatigue, and flu like symptoms. We have done some research and it seems to depend on the individual. The interferon is supposed to boost my immune system, in turn allowing my body to fight the bad cells, which is the only thing they know is effective at fighting the melanoma cells. The good news is we will be able to do this at home. No more trips to Houston for now.

Well that is what we face. I have made the commitment all along to be honest with everyone. I also tell you the truth because we still need all the prayers we can get. The doctor also told us the best prevention will be Rebecca and I. We will have to constantly check my entire body for any changes. If we are clear now, and catch any recurrences early, we should be okay. We are both still in shock. I told my mom earlier, I feel like every time we walk out of a doctors office it feels like we have been punched in the gut and can't catch our breath. But for those of you who know me well know that I just need a couple of days to process this, and come next week we will ready to fight for my life. Mom summed it up today. Welcome to your new life. She's right, it changed forever today. I think I am done for tonight. To top everything off, I am getting sick!

Remember everyday, put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

2009-10-19T19:41:00.002-05:00

Well it is Monday evening as I write this. Today is Tylers twelfth birthday and I am sitting on the couch watching him play the new video game we bought him. The only bad part about these games is they are expensive, and he will have the whole game beat in a couple of days! We had a very good evening. After school we took him and the other kids to Cici's Pizza, then to Walmart to spend his birthday money, then to eat ice cream. We decided to wait until we came home from Houston to have a party. We just have too much to do to get ready. It was nice just to be together as a family for his day. It has been so exciting to watch him the last couple of days. He has been bouncing off the walls with excitement. It's been invigorating to be around that kind of youthful energy, not to mention the joy I get from watching the three of them grow. I used to get sad and question God wondering why I never had children. Not anymore. This was part of my destiny in life. This is just where I am supposed to be, and just who I am supposed to be with. What joy and peace it has brought to my life.

We are preparing to leave for Houston. We fly out Wednesday afternoon. Our appointment is Thursday morning at 10:00 a.m. Hopefully we will be back Saturday afternoon, unless something changes. We are again in a place with more questions than answers. We have no idea what to expect. Living that way will teach you a great deal about living one day at a time. You have to make a conscious choice to worry to about the unknown, or stay focused on today. I sleep better when I focus on today. When you are told that you have an illness that could ultimately take your life, it does funny things to your head. I know, imagine that! I have not had depression or anger, nor have I wanted to hide. Quite the opposite. I am ready to fight like no one has ever seen. I even say out loud everyday, cancer you picked on the wrong person! (Yes I really do.) I have heard the feelings will come out in different ways. If so, mine have been manifesting themselves in my dreams. Strange, weired, and some scary. The kind of dreams you wake yourself up from then sit there for a minute and come back to reality. (And for those of you who may be wondering, I quit taking my pain medication a week ago. I don't need a padded room.) The brain is an amazing thing. Puzzling, but amazing. As Rebecca and I talked about it today she reminded me it's probably another result of feeling things are out of control for me. And she is right. So much is past the end of my nose. But what really helps is remembering all of the miracles God has already worked so far. The list is too long for this. Someday maybe I will write a book about all the miracles God has worked in my life and the lives of my family. Amazing! So hopefully tonight I can get some rest. We have another long day tomorrow.

Please keep us in your prayers as we travel, and while we are in Houston. We will post on the blog Thursday night after our appointment. We are ready! We need more prayers! My wife Rebecca's best friend Becca, just found out today that she has Cervical Cancer. She has a husband and three small children. Lets show her what prayer is doing for us!

You want to know how much I love my wife? I have been to Walmart four times in the last three days! THAT is love. The good news is if I have to go through chemo I won't have to worry about my hair falling out, I pulled it all out on our last trip. Hope there aren't any Walmarts close in Houston, I would rather go to the hospital! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

2009-10-16T08:50:00.003-05:00

Well I got to put my new found outlook on life to the test yesterday. For the first time since the surgery, I had my first day back in the real world. I don't think I passed the test. I told Rebecca last night that I guess in my subconscious I have somehow expected things in life to go on hold or at least be smooth while we fight the cancer. Yeah I know what you are saying, I should know better. I got up yesterday and got dressed which was fun one handed. I had to take Brandon to the doctor, so I went to the other side of the house to wake him up. As I walked into the hall I saw the toilet overflowing in their bathroom, and noticed the two inches of water in the floor! So I shut the water off, got Brandon up and went to the doctor for what we thought was a 9:50 appointment. Turns out it was at 10:40. So two hours later we left the doctor. Then off to bank where I had to argue with them, then off to pharmacy where they over charged me $50.00 and another argument, then home to meet a plumber. He fixed the toilet, I watched him, only to have it over flow again later. It still isn't working. There's more but I won't bore you. Point is, and the question I had to ask myself is, how did I handle it? Honestly not too well. But it was also another good lesson learned. I was reminded it's not about what life hands me, it's simply about how I deal with what I am handed. I cannot control the world or others. I cannot control doctors, pharmacies, banks, or anything else past the end of my nose. Truthfully, I don't want to. All I can do is control my thoughts, actions, reactions and attitude. I mess up when I let others rent space in my brain. The bottom line is all those things, days like yesterday, just aren't worth worrying about. Like I said before all those "sayings", don't sweat the small stuff, life is too short, and our new favorite, it could always be worse, really mean something today.

What is important is my brother Jared flew into town yesterday to spend the weekend with me and the family! I am so excited to see him. It is going to be a great weekend. Family is what matters. Period.

When I first wrote this today, we hadn't heard anything from MD Anderson. We heard from them today., We have an appointment next Thursday October 22. It is the initial appointment so we don't really know what to expect. Right now we are in scramble mode to get travel, lodging, work and kid arrangements made! We love you guys!

Remember everyday, put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

2009-10-13T19:54:00.005-05:00

I am speechless. I have gone back and forth since we left the doctors office yesterday about how to write about the kind of day we had. The simple, and only way I know how to put into words what we found out is, MIRACLE! Now I must say first, we are far from out of the woods, and we still have a long and tough fight in front of us. But what we heard was completely unexpected. When I got up yesterday I was fully prepared and ready to deal with the worst. I knew it was going to be a long day with the PET Scan, then having to deal with removing bandages and other physical issues. I was also prepared to hear about how far the cancer had traveled and how big of a battle we had to fight. And as I have said all along I am ready to fight. What happened was we got up and went to the PET Scan in the morning first, and as expected it was miserable. I guess I needed only one needle stick to check my blood sugar and inject me with dye, but two of them stuck me six times before they got one to work! I sat there and thought, I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. When we finally got out of there we went straight to the surgeons office for the surgery follow-up. I had to fast before the scan so by the time we got there I was hungry, frustrated and tired. Mom and Dad met us there and I am so grateful for that. When the nurse called us back, Rebecca and I walked into the room, and as we sat down the nurse said something about the pathology lab report. I think I said something like, oh good it's back. She, the nurse, said very casually, yeah it came back negative, (the lymph node) even the part they took out of your arm is negative. I just began to cry. The nurse then handed the lab report to us and surprisingly, there it was in plain english, negative for melanoma. (By surprising I mean plain english in a medical report!) I looked at my wife and said go get mom. Not only did we have to tell them the worst news, we got to tell them the best so far. All four of us just kind of stood or sat there with tears in our eyes trying to let it sink in. Then the doctor came in and told me that when he got to my lab report he gave out a yell because even he didn't expect that kind of report! Then he brought us back to reality reminding us that I still have a serious form of cancer, with a tough road ahead and a cancer with high return rate. We discussed some of our options and other things, then Mom and Dad left the room and the fun began. The wrap and stitches came off my arm which wasn't fun, and yes I almost passed out. Then the drain came out, praise God! Then the real fun came when he ripped the bandage off of my thigh, and Rebecca and I both almost passed out. I still have to wear my sling and keep my arm immobile for several weeks, but it will be easier now to function and I can shower again! Then when we finally got home I was on the phone with papa (a.k.a. dad) and the other line rang. I recognized the number as the surgeons office. When I answered it, it was Dr. Garber, and he said more good news the PET Scan is clear, it shows no cancer! My jaw dropped. I think I remember a high five with Rebecca! High five, where did that come from?!

Now having said all of that, I still want to repeat what I said earlier, we are far from out of the woods. While we are rejoicing in the miracle so far, we still have more work to do. We made the decision from the beginning to go to MD Anderson in Houston for a consultation. We still are. We want the best people in the world working on this with us and that's where they are. Rebecca called them yesterday and began the process. We have to get them all my records and they will review them, then schedule an appointment. They have already told us to be prepared for another surgery right off the bat. They told us that while most surgeons remove and test one lymph node, they remove and test ten. And most treatments, while focused more on future prevention than killing current cells, will be long and arduous, and will make me sick. The main reason I am telling you this is each of you proved yesterday that prayer works, and God is a big God of big miracles! Without each of you and your prayers and thoughts, yesterday would have never happened. I, by all rights, should have cancer all over my body. But the miracle is I don't!Each of you and this experience has stirred a faith inside of me I cannot put into words, thank you! Mine and Rebecca's prayers, on our own, just aren't big enough. So we ask you keep them coming. We are going to need them even more. We will be going to Houston in the next three weeks and we still face the same challenges we did before. There are going to be financial challenges with the travel and each of us missing work. There may really be challenges with Rebecca missing work. There will be obstacles with the kids staying home and in a normal routine. There may be times I have to stay in Houston without my wife. There will be more physical challenges for me. And the list goes on, so we ask that you keep the prayers coming, without them we can't do it! And the "you know what lady" hasn't started singing yet. What I am telling people about the good news from yesterday is it is not an all clear, but it is the best news we could have got. And we are rejoicing!

I have to share another story with you. I have a very good friend, Ron Badertscher. We lived next door to each other before Rebecca and I married and moved to Owasso. I have known Ron for about six years. His mother, Stacy, passed away from cancer several years ago. Ron is a big part of a non-profit organization called Cancer Sucks! He sent me a message yesterday and told me that he was glad to hear our great news yesterday. Yesterday would have been her sixtieth birthday! He said, "what great news to hear on her day". Truly so. Thanks Ron.

Well on a lighter note. I got to sleep in our bed last night and it was great! I am also going to attempt a shower tonight, and I know a few who are grateful for that! Again, we cannot thank you all enough for all you have done! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

2009-10-12T13:55:00.001-05:00

Well it is day something! I am still sitting on the couch. Same view! All in all, things are still good. No pain to speak of and we are grateful still. I had a rough night, night before last. I have never taken pain pills before and they began to really play havoc on my stomach. Thanks to my brother, Jared the pharmacist, he was able to give me a remedy and I am much better now. I want to say a huge thank you to our dear friend Melissa. She called and came over Monday night. She took it upon herself to come over and pamper us. She exfoliated Rebecca's face and hands. (I think that's what it is called, and no I did not have mine done!) Then she gave us both foot massages! And I mean a full massage with two kinds of cream and warm water. It was incredible! It also has to be one of the most selfless acts I have seen in a long time. It was a true example of putting others first, and giving without expectations. I, for the first time in my life, grasped the full lesson of washing someones feet. Thank you Melissa, not only did we both enjoy it immensely, you taught me another lesson in life. One I truly needed to learn.

Okay, since this blog morphed into me trying to express my feelings and thoughts, it requires honesty on part. Otherwise it will be meaningless. So, today I am not so good. Physically good. Mentally not so good. Part of it is the sitting on the couch and not being able to do anything, and having to rely so heavily on someone else. If I have never been anything else in life, I have been independent. For those of you who don't know me well, I need to be busy. I love being at home, but even at home I am constantly busy. Cleaning house, (yes I like cleaning) working in the yard or the garage, just staying busy. So, on day whatever, I am getting restless. I also go in tomorrow for the PET Scan and I am not looking forward to having to lay completely still for two hours with the bandages, sling and drain. Not to mention just being still for that long. The bigger issue is still the waiting. I guess in the aftermath of the surgery I have had enough to keep my mind busy. But the last couple of days I have regressed into worrying about the unknown again. We are still waiting on the lymph node biopsy and I am really ready for an answer. If it is cancerous it will require another surgery which excites me very little. I just want answers and I am growing impatient. I try not to but it is getting tough. We also see the surgeon tomorrow and I am hoping they at least take the drain out. I will say overall I am still confident we are going are going to beat this thing, it is just one of those days. Fear still creeps in from from time to time, guess it's part of the journey. Keep us in your prayers tomorrow.

My how God works. The kids just got home from school and the house is again full of laughter and energy. Just what the doctor ordered. We love you guys!

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

2009-10-10T20:28:00.004-05:00

Day 4? Well no rain to watch today which is ok. Something about that rain that is so relaxing though. I did have a really good "babysitter" again today. Nothing like mom when you aren't well. And as a good mother does she came bearing gifts! Food! Taco's, cheese dip, bananna pudding and.............LEMON BARS! Praise God! Thank you mom! It really was good, she got to spend some time with the kids today which they always enjoy as she does. I am so very greatful for my family and friends. I have been truly humbled by all of the phone calls and messages I have received over the last two days. They mean so much to us right now, hearing your words of friendship and encouragement is a large part of where we draw our strength. I had to charge my phone twice today! Thank you for your prayers for Rebecca, she slept last night and looks much more rested today. We are going to try and move the recliner into our bedroom so we can at least sleep in the same room. We are still newly weds after all.

I have thought a lot today about the unknowns we face over the next several weeks. I would be lying if I said there was no fear. There is, we are all scared, it is human nature. The waiting and fear of the unknown is still the worst. We speak often that we are ready to find something out, formulate a game plan, and get busy. I was watching the Shawshank Redemption yesterday and was reminded of one of my favorite movie lines, "you can either get busy living, or get busy dying". We are getting busy living. But the main theme that keeps running through my head is how things have already changed for me. So many things that used to be important to me just aren't anymore. Things and people who used to bother me, sometimes to the point of losing sleep, don't anymore. The corny sayings we have heard all our lives like "don't sweat the small stuff" and "one day at a time" actually mean something to me today. My cancer survivor comrade Chad posted a saying on his facebook today, "I used to pity myself for having no shoes till I met the man with no feet". Wow! Life is too short, another one of those over used statements. Life is too short. It's too short to be angry, too short to be jealous, too short to be mean, too short to carry a grudge, too short to not talk to and be with those we love, and the list goes on. One of our new favorite saying's is "it could always be worse", and it could. My hope and prayer is that others can find their "place" without that phone call. I however am way too hard headed to just listen to someone else and learn. I have to be smacked over the head with the phone call just to get my attention. You can ask my parents I have one way of learning, the hard way. My next big obsticle in life is WHEN I am well, I won't forget everything I just said!

Well I will end now. That has just really been on my heart today. Life is all about our families and friends and we love all of you! I have a really big day tomorrow..........the couch and football! It's a rough life but somebody's got to do it.

Remember each day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath........

2009-10-09T16:17:00.002-05:00

Day number 3 I think. They are starting to run together on me. As I have stated before there have been so many blessings each day that it has just been amazing. I was blessed with another today. Even though I am a little more mobile I still require a "babysitter". Since Rebecca had to go back to work my Dad came over and sat with me today. It's always wonderful to spend time with any of my family, and it was special to hang with pop's today. Thanks dad. Do me a special favor, when you pray tonight, pray for sleep for my wonderful wife. She has so much on her plate right now. A glimpse in her life today. She was up early, like 6 am, got herself and the kids ready, dropped them off for school then off to work for a twelve hour shift. While at work not only did she work, she came home twice to check on me and made numerous phone calls to the doctor and pharmacies. (We are having issues with the bandage on my leg still.) She went to two different pharmacies looking for the right bandages. She will then come home after 7 pm, feed us spend time with the kiddos, then help me clean up, change my bandages, change my clothes, empty the drain attached to my arm and get me situated to sleep. Then she works again tomorrow! All the while never complaining once. Not so much as one negative word or frown. She really needs a good nights sleep, and a really long vacation when all of this is over!

Nothing else new to share today. Mom is coming over to babysit tomorrow and I am looking forward to that. I had a rough night last night and am looking forward to a better night tonight.

I hope you all enjoyed the pictures. Never again will I make anyone look at a picture of me without a full shirt on I promise. I was ambushed in that picture! And of course you can now see the kind of sense of humor Shawn, Josh, and my wife have finding it so funny I was in the Women's Health Center for my major surgery! Okay truth be told, I would have done the same thing had the tables been turned. I do believe there is a lot of truth to laughter is the best medicine. I hope each of you are well. Thanks again for all the prayers and support. Until next time....

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath......

Pictures from Surgery day:)

2009-10-08T19:46:00.004-05:00

Right after surgery, he was awake and doing well. I'm guessing Josh or Shawn said something goofy to make him laugh:)

Of course we couldn't resist, this was the sign over the doorway to go to his room:)

Josh was able to get this picture, even though it was the women's health center, apparently alot of surgeons operate out of here, they did an excellent job taking care of him!!!

"Center for Women's Health, MakingWomen's Health a Priority"

2009-10-08T15:10:00.004-05:00

Day 2 on the couch andI am looking out the window watching God water the earth. Amazing how I view things differently now days. I can honestly say I am more relaxed right now, inspite all of the unknowns we still face, and in spite of the wraps, slings and tubes, than I have been in a long time. Not being at work helps a great deal as well. As much as I love what I do, and I am sure that I will miss it before long, I must admit this is a nice break. I still feel good physcially. The pain is still minimal which is tremendous. I am a little more mobile today. We have quickly settled into a routine. Every four hours I take my medicine. I then sit up on the edge of the couch and Rebecca helps me put the sling on my arm. I then get up with her help, and do a sort of waddle limp thing to the bathroom. I then waddle limp back to the couch, where she helps me sit back down and we make any necessary sling, wrap or tube adjustments. The wrap on my leg always slides down when I get up and move around which has become annoying. It is quite a show to watch! The good news is today my legs feel better and I am able to put the sling on myself and get up and then back down without any help! I know it doesn't sound like much but hopefully it will mean my wife can go to bed tonight and sleep without having to get up with me all night. (She has to go back to work tomorrow) Yes I will admit it, its hard for me to ask and rely on someone else for help. But I am getting better. The kids were gone the day of surgery, so when they got home after school yesterday was the first time they saw me in my current state. They did really well. Brianna wasn't sure what to think. At one point she sat down on the couch, looked at my cast and said "that's cool". It was really good to have the kids home. That is pretty much life for us right now. I know, I know, take a deep breath, the excitment is overwhelming!

The latest news from the medical front. We go in next Tuesday for a PET Scan. That will tell us if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. We also hope to know by then the results of the lymph node biopsy. We will then meet with several Dr.'s here to put together a treatment plan, if it has spread. Then we would make plans to go to Houston. Well that is all for know. Time for my four hour stuff! We love you guys!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....

Surgery

2009-10-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

Well here we are, the day after surgery, on the couch recliner my new favorite place in the world! And yes I am pecking left handed. The surgery went great according to the doctor. They took the large piece out of my forearm and I have a very large soft cast on my arm. I have to keep it completely still, not even moving my fingers. When I get up to go to the bathroom, or get up to do anything, I have to put on a sling. They took a large piece of skin off of the top of my right thigh for the skin graft so I have a very large three-layer bandage on it that is taped to my leg and safety pinned to my shorts to keep it from sliding down when I go to the bathroom! I also had a large incision under my right arm where they removed a lymph node to be tested. I also have a drain hose, about two feet long, coming out of that incision. It has to be drained every so often. The pain has been very manageable. Much better than we thought it would be which we are very grateful for! Thank you so much to all of you for your prayers, thoughts, calls, and messages. Thanks to all who were at the hospital, and all who came by the house yesterday, it meant the world to us. And to Josh, your the best! To my wife, you are the best wife and nurse ever. I would never want to do this without her! I am trying to be a good patient! She pretty much has to do everything for me, getting up every four hours at night to give me medicine, cook, feed me, drain the hose, help me get up and down, and the list goes on. She is incredible! I am going to let her finish this blog today because I just took my medicine and feel a nap coming on! But I wanted to say thanks again and we love you guys!

He pretty much said it all... and no I do not pay him to say anything nice about me:) He's doing great, praying the pain continues to stay manageable for him. And he is being a great patient! So far so good... We will not hear any new results for a few days, possibly even early next week. As soon as the doctor hears anything he will call us. We will see him next Tuesday, hopefully the drain will be removed and that will be one less thing Andy has to deal with. I have to say we have been greatly blessed with our group of doctors, the Dermatologist and her nurse Jan has stayed in contact throughout all of this. Jan called yesterday to check on him, even said she had thought about coming up to the hospital to sit with us, since it was her day off, but she was worried we would be bothered since we really don't know her. Of course we would have been honored, but glad she didn't spend a day off sitting at a boring hospital:) It's amazing to us that she has taken the time to encourage us and help in any way she can. The surgeon, Dr. Garber called the night before surgery to check on him, and again last night. He made sure we had all his numbers so we could call any time day or night if needed. This has truly been a God thing, we picked Dr. Kendrick(dermatologist) off a list from the insurance web site with no referrals or information, and in turn she has referred us to the others, to know that God has his hand in every little detail is amazing!! Everything has gone smoothly and quickly and can only pray it continues that way. We are humbled by all the prayers and support we have from all our family, friends and strangers that have been been and will continue to pray for us. We could not have gone through this as well as we have without all that everyone has done for us. Thank you!!!! We have been asked numerous times over the last two weeks if we need anything, right now there really is not anything we need, however, the prayers,visits, phone calls and messages help greatly, so keep them coming;)

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breathe.......

2009-10-05T08:17:00.001-05:00

Well it is Monday morning, the day before the surgery and tests. I must admit, I am not looking forward to it. I told Rebecca the other day that I think I am more worried about the surgery than I am the cancer. I made the mistake last week of reading an article in our local newspaper about a man who went to one of our local hospital's for knee surgery and they performed the surgery on the wrong knee! And no, it's not the hospitial we will be using. Not a good choice on my part.

I have a lot going through my mind this morning, too much to form any coherent thoughts, and attempt to put them on "paper". What has mostly been on my mind is the adjustments I will have to make over the next few weeks. Some of you may have had to make similar adjustments or worse. But for me it is a new experience. It occured to me after the visit with the surgeon. My right forearm will have a large void in it where the tumor will be removed. They will then do skin grafts to help cover the void. It will not completely cover it and I will have a large ugly scar. Which is fine with me, something to brag about later! I will have bandages stiched to my arm, then some sort of soft cast or wrap, then a sling. I have to keep it completely imobile. The way my head works, and I am sure some of you are scared to find that out, is all I could think about was not being able to do the daily things. So think about this, start from the beginning of your day and think about every thing you do from getting out of bed to going back to bed at the end of the day. Some things should be fairly easy. But other things may not be becuase I am not very good with my left hand for anything, except eating which is obvious. So that I don't embarass my mother or mother-in-law or wife, I won't go into anymore detail. I will just say somethings could be interesting.

I have spoken a lot in the blog about how wonderful it is to have such a great support group. And how it seems like God provides me with what I need. I was in a weird place when I got up this morning. The house was quiet, and we have a lot to do today so my mind has been racing since I got up. So I thought I would do a little writing hoping that would help. But midway through my writing my phone rang. It was my uncle. What a God send. It was excatly what I needed. We had a GREAT conversation, and it helped calm my mind and spirit and bring me back a little closer to center. Thanks Lynn. Wow another phone call from Jan from the Dr.'s office. Thank you to you and Dr. Kendrick! More great people who are in our corner! Amazing how God works.

I know that all of you are, but please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It is going to be a long day for all of us. Pray for the doctors and nurses that they will have the best day in surgery they have ever had! We willl post again as soon as we find something out. I will continue to try and post as much as possible. It will be another one of those adjustments for me because it will be left handed pecking instead of typing. (And yes I can type, quite well thank you. Hey I had to get an A in at least one class in school!)

Thank you and we Love all of you!

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....

More than I can handle?

2009-10-03T20:08:00.000-05:00

As we thought and talked about doing this blog, at first I thought it would just be the best way to keep everyone informed of the diagnosis, treatments, and progress. But the more I thought about it the more I realized this would be therapeutic for me to write about what I am feeling and thinking. (I know that may be a little scary!) As I sat down today I giggled a little because the thought came to me, I wonder if this is something like writing a sermon. See, for those of you who may not know I come from a long line of preachers. My grandfather, father, uncle, 2 cousins and my father-in-law, all preachers. I remember dad talking about working on sermons and writing sermons, and I thought wow you spend a lot of time for only 20 or 30 minute sermons. (Dad was always good to get us out of church on time, and home to watch football.) I guess the reason I thought about that is because that phone call that changed my life, has completely changed my perspective on life. Things that used to be important aren’t anymore. And the things that are important are acutely important. God, family, friends, and health. Period.

I have pondered those nagging questions we all deal with at some point in life. And I have also thought a lot about the things I was taught about God. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why me? How much more do I have to deal with? God won’t give us more than we can handle. Hmmmm, really? I had a conversation with my good friend Chad the other night. He is a cancer survivor. I watched him go through his journey and come out cancer free and a better man. During our conversation we talked about God not giving us more than we can handle. I had some what of an epiphany this week while pondering that question. If I had to deal with this on my own there is no way in this world I could get through it. Alone, there is no way. Now, I am not claiming to have the answer to this question, but for me the answer came in the overwhelming support I have from all my family and friends. Did God give me more than I can handle? I really don’t know, I don’t think God gave this to me in the first place. But what I can say is that everyday he has given me the tools and the means to handle it. And it comes in the form of you. God has given us each of you, with different talents, abilities, resources, gifts, perspectives, personalities, support and love, and that simply is what is getting us through. He continually provides for us, even in ways we don’t see until later down the road. It is really wonderful to watch something happen and be able to look back and see that God was orchestrating it the entire time. For example, today we were able to take the kids to the Oklahoma Air National Guard Base in Tulsa. Our incredible friends Jason and Tina, who work there, invited us to go to family day. Tyler, our oldest, is all about military. We were able to spend the day looking at F-16 fighter jets, all kinds of other planes, get face painted, Jupiter jump, eat pizza, pet snakes, (not me I hate snakes!) fish, rock climb, it was incredible. It was one of those acutely important things in life, watching the kids be kids and have fun. It was so great to spend that time with the kids, and take our minds off of what lies ahead, even if just for a little while. Thank you Jason and Tina!

So, does God give me more than I can handle? I really don’t know. But what I do know is he is daily giving me the things I need to handle it. Period.

Remember, everyday put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don’t forget to breath…..

The Beginning

2009-10-02T17:19:00.000-05:00

So here it goes. I would never have thought that I would be doing something like this. I said for the longest time I would never get on facebook, now I am addicted to Mafia Wars! But amazing how things change. As you all now by now, on Thursday October 21, 2009 I received a phone call that will forever change my life, and the lives of the people close to me. I was told I have cancer. I had a tumor removed from my arm the previous week, and the Dr. called me on the phone and told me the news. You don't want to start a conversation with your Dr. by them saying, "I don't usually do this over the phone, but in you case time is of the essence". Then she told me that she had already contacted a surgeon and made an appointment for me because the rest of the tumor, under the skin, had to be removed. I really don't remember much of the conversation after that. The next thing I remember is lying on the floor in our bedroom, in the fetal position, crying like I haven't done in years. My only thought then was, I have to tell Rebecca. That would be my wonderful, beautiful, best wife in the world, for those of you who may not know her. And yes you can argue with me all you want, my wife is the best wife ever!

I then went to her work and told her the news, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. For those of you who don't know her father, Gary Phillips, was at the Mayo Clinic for 8 months fighting a very rare form of cancer. Praise God, today he is cancer free! So, hard on my wife is an under statement. She and I then went and did the next hardest thing I have ever done in my life which was to tell my parents. I will never forget that as long as I live. I have never been so sick in all of my life. The next hardest thing I have ever done was telling our kids. (my stepkids.) All within two days. I cannot begin to put into words how I felt or the things that were going through my mind those two days. I went from I cannot believe I am sick, to I don't want to die, to losing my arm, to going through chemo., to leaving a life I have now that is better than it has ever been before. Then came the wait. The appointment with the surgeon was a week away. The longest week of our lives. The waiting, the not knowing, the dangerous places your mind can go when there are no answers and no direction. The only way I got through it was my wife and kids, my parents, and the best friends a guy can have. I cannot say thank you enough to all of you who have called, texted, and sent messages. You are what got us through. Especially Chad, Josh, Jason, Michael, Shawn and Ron and Rae. You will never know how much you mean to us. And especially to my family, all of you, I couldn't do this without you.

So we finally met with the surgeon yesterday, October 2, 2009. The answers finally came, just not the ones we were hoping for. The doctor then began to tell us, me, Rebecca and my mom, that I have a Level 4 Melanoma. They grade them on the size and depth. The levels are 1-5 with one being the best and 5 the worst. He also told me that the size of mine is 11mm which is very large, and that it is ulcerated. All things you don't want to see in that kind of cancer. He also told us that the survival rate of this kind of cancer is not good because Melanoma is very unpredictable and aggressive. The fear at this point is that it has spread into my lymph nodes, or it has gotten into my bloodstream. (On a side note, I don't always hear things right, and definitely don't remember things well. Plus my head has been swimming. So if I give any incorrect information, I apologize and my wife will correct it at a later point. My disclaimer!) I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday October 6,2009. They are going to remove a large piece of my forearm where the tumor is. It will require skin grafts and my arm will be completely immobile for two to three weeks. They will also test my lymph nodes that day to see if the cancer has spread. If it is found in my lymph nodes, they will do another surgery to remove them. Then hopefully we will have a PET scan done to determine if it has gone into other parts of my body. At that point we will formulate a treatment plan, which will be us going to MD Anderson in Houston.

It is amazing how God works, even through tough times. This is the best time in my life for me to get to go through this. This list of good things is too long to list all of them. As we go along in this blog I will try to share them from time to time. One took place today. I have a good friend who I have lost touch with over the last several years. He is a Radiologist. We ran into each other a few months ago while I was working. We were able to exchange numbers and get in touch again. Today God put him on my heart and I called him. I told him what was going on and he began to give me direction on what to do and told me that he would review my tests and make sure we formulate a treatment plan. It is simply a God thing that I now have a Dr. in my corner who I know has my best interests at heart and will work with me as a friend!

When I woke up this morning I was ready to fight. And that is what I am going to do. FIGHT!

One of our friends told us the other day, Andy is too mean, he will mean the cancer right out of himself! And I will. Please keep my wife and family in your prayers, they may not have to endure the physical part of this, but they will endure everything else I go through. (And I am not a good patient, so they will really need your prayers!)

Remember every day, put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.....