Blah........

Well I am writing from a hotel in Memphis. Again, I cannot sleep. Usually on days like this, when we meet with the doctor's, I don't have any problem sleeping. But as of late I have enjoyed few nights where sleep has found me. Usually it's just the night before the appointments I lose sleep, and last night was no different, so now I face driving home tomorrow with Mom on little sleep. And we are a long way from home, Toto.

We did meet with the doctor's office in Nashville today. It was fairly uneventful and we expected that. This was simply a meeting to find out how I am doing and pick up more medicine. The biggest thing is we return in three weeks and will have a CT scan done. That is big because it will tell us if the medicine is working or not. To say the least, it is going to be a long three weeks. We should also know more after that appointment about switching my care to a place in OKC. I worry as of late because I am not feeling well more and more days. It is probably side effects from the new drug. I have had several days that I have thrown up, felt like I had the flu, and don't have any energy. My pain is about the same but I deal with it on a daily basis. And I have have to be honest, I have been a little down and frustrated with all of this. We are coming up on a year of the second coming of the cancer. Almost a year of treatments, doctor's visits, driving all over the country, surgeries, needle sticks, medicine, sleepless nights, day's in bed, crazy dreams, pain all over my body, fear of the unknown, frustration with the slowness of it all, finances, sunburns, trying to communicate how I am feeling, and the list goes on. I would like to say that I am trying not to complain but I guess that is exactly what I am doing. I am writing this at 3 a.m. for crying out loud. In our quest to be honest, I guess I honestly have to say the last few days I have been really tired of it all, and frustrated with the progress of it, or lack there of. My Mom came with me on this trip and on the way here we had a great chance to talk. One of the things we talked about is how we have managed it all, while trying to stay positive and forward living. I think for me the answer isn't that complicated, it's not rooted in some great spiritual mystery, nor is it something that is found through a search of the greatest books in the world. It's really very simple, just keep going. I also think I have learned that these times, like I am going through now, are okay. In our quest to be honest I must say that right now I am not okay, and that's okay. I am mad that I am sick, I am tired of being sick, I am scared of what I cannot see in the future and I am mad and tired about that. What I must do is feel it, be honest about it, deal with it and move on. But the real key is simply to keep going, to put that one foot in front of the other. And don't get me wrong, it may be a little more complicated but not much. I find the strength to put that foot in front of the other from my faith in God, the love and support of my family and friends, and that hope and trust that God is in control. And I also know that if I keep moving that God is faithful and this too shall pass. I really think that sometimes for God it really is that simple. All he asks of us is action. To move. To not stop. To not give up. And he will take care of the rest. So that's what I am doing. Moving. Action. One foot in front of the other. I may do so with a little grumpiness, but I do it none the less, and that is okay.

That is where I am. I need prayers for sleep. I have found that all of the other things that I deal with, whether spiritual, physical or emotional, are much easier dealt with when I can sleep. I got a prescription for a sleep medicine so I am keeping my fingers crossed. We got moved into the new place last weekend and it is incredible. The kids love it. They finally got a dog and have spent a ton of time playing and laughing with her and it has been a joy to watch. Tyler has already begun to build a fort out in the pasture and I am getting settled in my new shop. I don't think the kids have spent a total of three hours inside the house since we got there. You always have doubts when you make a move like that, or at least I do, and since seeing how much we all enjoy it, those doubts are gone. It was the right move. Every thing else is good. We are waiting to have our phone, Internet and TV set up so if you send me a message and I don't respond just know we may not have Internet yet, but as soon as I can I will. (We don't get the TV set up till the 27th and to be honest I don't miss it yet!) Oh and if you might be wondering about house warming gifts, I could use tools to fill my shop up! Just kidding. (I love Lowe's by the way.) We do need prayers though. As I stated above we seem to be going through one of those periods, and we know it will pass, but we can always use all the help we can get. Thank you again to each of you, we love you guys.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath...................

Drug

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for the messages and phone calls about the new drug that was on the national news the other evening. It makes us feel good and reminds us that all of you are fighting the fight with us.

The drug that they are referring to is the same drug that I have just started. The reason that it is now making news is that it is getting closer to FDA approval each day. Anytime there is any kind of promising new drug that is about to come out it receives a lot of press, thanks to the drug companies. As it approaches final approval, and the drug companies know that it is going to be approved, they began to push it. I didn't see the news story itself, but I am sure that it was a good story. And it is a true story. The drug has shown a lot of promise for a lot of people. One of the positives for us will be that when the drug does receive final approval it will at some point be available at a pharmacy. Which for us means that we will no longer have to drive a great distance to get it. Which is always a good thing. Rebecca found a related article about the drug to make sure it is the same one we are on. In the article, in the last paragraph, it talked about the fact that unfortunately this isn't a curative drug. Which is part of what I talked about in the blog after our last trip to Houston. In short, with my kind of melanoma, the cancer itself has mutated. This new drug is specifically designed to attack and kill the mutation. Where it has shown promise is in many people it is effective at killing the mutation and therefore the cancer. The bad news is that in every case so far, the cancer creates a new mutation to defeat the drug and in doing so comes back stronger than before, thus spreading the cancer further and faster. The problem is there is no drug to fight the new cancer once it returns. What this drug has done for some is simply extended lives. The doctor's in Tennessee told us that this is the hope for me, that it will extend my life. They are already working on drugs that will kill the new mutation, but they are in the very early stages and don't know much about it. But, it does give us hope and that's what is important. I was talking with a friend of mine the other day who has a family member who is fighting cancer. He was sharing with me a story about a woman he was talking to who was losing a family member to this horrible disease. He told me that while sobbing, she made the statement that she had no hope. It broke my heart. Without hope, what do we have. I cannot imagine. We have hope. Thanks to our belief in God, to all of our family and friends, to knowing where I will go should I not make it, I still and will always have hope.

That is a little longer version of where we are. I hadn't gone into detail before now because I didn't think it was necessary to bore you with the details. But with all of the responses we have gotten from the news story I felt it might help to explain it the best I can without losing anyone. Being a few weeks into the new treatment I can say that I have some side effects to deal with. I haven't felt well the last several days. Last Saturday I was throwing up and ran a slight fever. The last few days I have run a slight fever with other flu like symptoms that seem to get worse as the day progresses. My energy level is down again, but hopefully if it goes they way they said, this will end over the next week or so. In spite of it all we are still busy as ever and preparing to move. We found a place with 5 acres that is set up for horses and animals and gives us some room to spread out a little. It will give the kids a great place to play and get outside while hopefully teaching them the value of taking care of a few animals and having other "chores" to do! Plus it gives Rebecca and I something we have always wanted, a place with land to garden, raise a few horses, and a great place to sit in the mornings while we drink our coffee. And yes I hate moving, so pray.

Remember every day to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.................