Future Posts

It is another cold, winter day here in Oklahoma. We had more snow last night but thankfully most of it seems to be melting away on the roads. It's funny, I asked several of the old timers in Collinsville what the almanac said about what kind of winter we were going to have and most of them said cold and dry. Oh well at least they got the cold part right.



A wonderful thing took place last night. My sister, brother, and I converged on our parents house with families in tow. It was the first time we have all been together under the same roof. It was so great to be there as a family, even if it was only for a short time. For those of you who may not know my brother and his wife live in Phoenix and my sister and her family live in Manhattan (Kansas). So it is difficult for all of us to be together. I told my mom at one point it hadn't been that loud in their house in a long time and it was great to hear.



One of the many things that I have learned over the last several months, and have expressed often, is that family is one of the most important things in my life. During my time stuck on the couch at home, I realized that I could never again allow things to get in the way of my relationship with my family. Too many times I see families who allow politics, religion, friends, opinions, different ways of raising children, different choices, and other laundry list of things, come between them. Sometimes to the point of not seeing or speaking to one another. I don't understand. I decided that no matter what, I will not allow that to happen with me and my family. Now, don't get me wrong, I will not change who I am or what I believe when I am with my family. There has been a rule with our family for quite a while now and it is simply, when we are together we will not discuss politics, religion or raising children. Period. Call it what you want, respecting each others beliefs or agreeing to disagree, but that's what we do and it works. We know we don't all agree. Some of us are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. We have different likes and dislikes. Our parents raised us to be our own people and it worked. The bottom line for me is we need our families. I need my family. When I got sick my family was there for me without question. All of those other issues, that just don't matter, were gone and we were left to focus on us. In the end all of those other things don't matter a bit. Family matters, we matter.



To my family; thank you for all that you have done for me through this time. I shutter to think what this would have been like without you. I don't think I could have done it. Each of you have been there for me, unconditionally, with love, prayer and support. This has brought us even closer together and I thank God everyday for that. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Thank You!



Well on the cancer front, the roller coaster has started again. We go to the Oncologist next week for our next check-up. I don't know what kind of testing they will do but I told my wife and mom last night that I am getting nervous again. It's those same old feelings again. I guess it is normal. And I am sure that it will happen every time. I just wasn't ready for it. But it will be like this every three months from now on. Hopefully it will get better. I have also decided that I will write something once a week and try and have it posted each Friday. I will also post as soon as we know what testing will be done and what the results are.



Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to breath.......

Scars

Okay for those of you who prayed for a white Christmas in Oklahoma, it worked. I just finished a 12 hour shift, on Christmas Eve, in about 8 inches of snow. And yes the crazies were out. We didn't want to take anyone to jail on Christmas Eve, or in this weather, but she left us no choice. I never cease to be amazed at human beings and the things they do. One of these day's I am going to write a book. I wish I could tell you about it but I can't. You may not believe me anyway. I am still amazed!

A thought come to me today. My wife Rebecca, our kids and I, had my Mom, Dad and Cousin Tom over today for Christmas. It occurred to me before they got here this morning that this would be the first time I have ever had my parents in my house for Christmas. That, combined with the fact that I am still alive and not sick in a hospital, made today the best Christmas I have ever had. We did the gift thing, yes the kids got spoiled which is a whole other story, then cooked a big breakfast, ate, sat by the fire, and spent time together. I just cannot express how much it meant to me. As you can expect, at some point in the conversation, my cancer came up. Mom and Dad hadn't seen my arm in a while where they did the surgery. They were commenting on how good it looks, and how well it is healing. I then made the statement that I have made many times over the last month, "I am so grateful to be alive and well, and not in a hospital or sick in bed". And I mean it. I am. I never expected, when we heard those words, to be back at work, in the cold and snow, by Christmas. As I said those words I had the same thought I have every time I say it. I hope I don't ever forget. Then it hit me, the scar. I have a huge void on my right forearm where the skin graft is that is just hard to explain. The skin is a different color, there is the void that will always be there and the color is different. People who see it and don't know me ask me what happened. I tell them. The very next thought was the scars on Jesus, you will know him by his scars. If it is you, can I feel the scars on you hands. When I finally went back to work and was able to uncover my arm, my wife and I talked about how it looks, and how people would react to it. It has never been anything that embarrassed me. On the contrary, I have been proud of it. But only now realizing why I am proud of it. And what I realized today was my gratitude is permanently on my right arm, if I allow it.

What is it about scars? Most of us try to hide them. Especially if we feel they are ugly or are in a place that aren't easily hidden. We try to cover them with make-up, clothes, surgeries, whatever the case may be. Some of our scars aren't so easy to see. Some of them are emotional. Some of them we don't want to talk about. Some of them, maybe we have never told anyone. Maybe we think others won't think them a big deal or won't understand. Some of them maybe we don't need to talk about to everyone. But we all have scars no matter their source or whether they are physical or emotional. I think we all have some of both. Not all to the same extreme, but they are there. As I thought about all of this I reflected on the process of a scar. Something bad happened in the beginning. Some sort of damage was done that caused us pain, either physical or emotional damage. Then there was the process of healing. If it was physical, there may have been bandaid's, stitches, medicine, any number of options. If it was emotional, there may have been counseling, talking to someone, support groups, religion, the list goes on. Then, and I suppose this is where I am, there is reflection. Reflection on the lessons learned. As I look back on my life I realize that for many of those scars I wasn't even in a place, initially, to see the lesson's learned. I understand that today I am in a better place to to see them for there lesson's and not there ugliness. What I did realize, on a very simple level, is that I have a great reminder every single day of the gift I have been given. And it comes in the form of something most look at as ugly, or at least hard to look at. To me it is the most beautiful thing in the world. I am proud of my scar. I am slowly learning that if I look not at the ugliness of the scar itself, but look at the beauty of the lesson's the scar taught me, I might just do a little growing. Maybe, just maybe, I won't forget. I know that as the day's pass, and I put distance between me and September 2009, it will get easier and easier to forget if I allow it. That's what I do. I let life get in the way, just like tonight when I was complaining about the weather and having to work in it.

So, I have changed my prayer. Now I pray that everyday I will meet a stranger who will ask me, "What happened to you arm?" Another thing to add to my gratitude list, scars.

Remember everyday to put one foot in front of the other, drink a lot of water, and don't forget to pray................